[esndrs82d]

Hi, this is going to be a little long, but I think it's necessary. It'll help to understand the situation a little bit better.
I am married, and have been for 5 years. My husband and I have been together for 10 years. We have also split up about 10 times. Every time that we split up, it was over something stupid. We argue and fight constantly. We've even been in counseling because the stress and fighting got to me so badly that I tried to commit suicide. I honestly couldn't handle it anymore. At the time, I felt like it was my only way out. My counselor told us that we would probably be better off it we weren't together. He said that there are just some people in this world that don't need to be married. My husband didn't want to listen to him. I should have.
A few of the times we fought, I was going to leave and just call everything off, but he threatened suicide... I couldn't leave him. This pretty much happens at least once a month or so.
A couple of months ago, he decided that he wasn't happy and that he didn't want to be married anymore. I'm in college right now and am almost finished, but he doesn't want me to quit school. We finally decided that we shouldn't be together and that I would leave once I graduated. We lived here in the same house. He went out and did whatever he wanted to do. He would leave and stay gone for a day or so at a time. I just sat here like I always do, but this time I tried to act like it didn't hurt and like it didn't bother me at all. About a month after my husband and I made this decision, I met this really great guy online. I told him about my current situation and he understood. He was always there to listen to me when I had a problem and I have been there for him. We talk all of the time now. I really care a lot about him.
Now for the problem.
About a week ago, my husband told me that he was wrong. He told me he loved me and he didn't want me to leave in December. He wants to work things out. My online friend and I have gotten very close. In fact, I think I've even fallen in love with him. I honestly don't know what to do now. I love my husband and desperately want things to work out with us, but I can't handle all of the arguing and the threats anymore. I really do think I'm in love my the new guy I've met, but am scared of that too.
I don't know what to do. I'm open to any suggestions that anyone might have.

[darkeyes]

Hi esndrs82d,
Welcome to the forum, I'm glad you dropped by. You'll meet a lot of nice people here that will be able to give you insight to your problem(s), I see such wonderfull things happen here
Let me tell you my feelings about your situation, online relationships like what you mentioned can be great but can also be of a fantasy nature, I feel that is not the right word but at the present time I can't think of the right word I want to use, maybe infatuation? You see it is natural through written communication that our mind's, yes and even our hearts can create a picture of this "wonderfull person" but not really knowing this person, so this you must be very careful about.
My opinion on your relationship with your husband, gee, if he is opposed to any form of counselling, that is a major problem.
Of what you have told us this relationship does not sound stable enough to last, I personally could not stay in such an arrangement, plus if both of you are suicidal over each others parting, both of you definately should seek therapy as individuals helping yourselves to become stable individuals which in turn will enable you to perhaps establish a stable relationship amongst yourselves. Without any professional help I cannot see anything changing regardless what either one of you are telling each other at the moment(s) you are calm, cause as we all well know what is going to happen the next time, etc.??? Life is too short to be miserable, and today woman do not have to remain in a miserable marriage due to depending on the man's financial support like many years ago, so if necessary flee young lady!!!
My parents for my whole life have had a horrible, abusive marriage, mom never had formal schooling, 8th grade education so stayed with him, but her entire life she has been miserable which made my brothers and my life miserable, probably the main reason the 3 of us have had mental disorders and still go to therapy.
So what the main thing I want to stress if you both can't agree to make this work for sure, it is best you part, go seperate ways, you have no kids right? You are young, you both have lives to live and it should be to the fullest. Don't wrap your heart around an online relationship yet, stay friends, but try to get some individual counselling if your husband is not going to go for it, still do it for yourself. Sorry about the length of this reply. Take care and let us know how things go.
"darkeyes"

[Zenobia]

I am glad you joined us. This is a great place to come to get advice and support but in the end the decision is yours. Now for my advice. Like Darkeyes said online relationships are part fantasy. It is very easy to get on the computer and be somebody for an hour then return to your normal self as soon as you click off. I pretended I was a transvestite for 3 weeks one time in a really raucous chat room. It was a lot of fun. No one there was who they said they were and all of them were quite convincing in their roles. Even if you are playing yourself on-line it is often a picture perfect representation of yourself that has been touched up and enhanced. So I feel your on-line relationship should have no part in your decisions regarding your marriage. I know that is hard to do--BP I am still debating whether or not to tell you the story --but your husband is real life. You know him and all his faults and all his good qualities. He deserves to have you make your decision based your real life relationship and not have to compete with someone who doesn't have the pressure of being there when he has something else he wants to do. Once you made your decision about your hubby then you can decide what to do about your friend. Believe me I know how hard that can be.
Take care,
Zen

<font color=blue>I was always looking outside myself for strength and confidence but, it comes from within. It is there alll the time.--Anna Freud

[heidu]

I want to tell you about online relationships. I am married because of one. My husband is NOT the person I met online. Nothing like him at all. He is a good and decent person and I don't think he wanted to lie or be decietful but he was being what I wanted him to be and it's really easy online. I thought because I was being honest and being myself he was too. Big mistake. My husband and I always said "it's like a fairytale but it feels so real". It was a fairytale. It wasn't reality at all. He even kept up his online persona until we were married and now I am getting to know the real him. It has been hard and has turned my whole life around. I was sure and left America to be with him and I regret it. I would never believe that it wasn't exactly what I thought it was.
I too think it's best to deal with your marriage and worry about the online thing later. Your marriage is real but the online thing may not be. Also, about getting counseling. There is no way you can make a marriage work if you both aren't ok with yourselves. It doesn't sound healthy that you use or mention suicide when there may be a break up. I think counseling together is essential but also individually.
I wish you the best and welcome to the forum!
Heidu