Hi. I just found out that my boyfriend is paying (half) of all household costs in addition to the mortagage and support payments.

It is my belief that things like lawn/yard maintenance ought to be paid by her. Similarly things that she decides to do on a whim, like paint the interior of the home to better suit her decor or have a professional put in a garden. I will add that she has no physical barrier to doing these things herself. Furthermore she doesn't contact my boyfriend to discuss these decisions beforehand. She simply presents him with all these bills and he pays half.

Is this normal? This certainly is not how things worked after my divorce. I got a pay out and was left entirely to my own devices.

[divine1966]

Oh the topic I can relate. It is all decided by lawyers and judges. My husband pays substantial alimony to his ex. Their kids are long grown but she doesn't work. Or work part time minimum wages. She is our age and healthy. Judge awarded ex substantial spousal support but said she has set number of years and then alimony stops. We both work hard so she does not have to. Oh and she has college degree too. Still wouldn't work

It also depends on number of years people were married. And it's no matter who filed for divorce. In our case she did


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I get permanent alimony and we divided our assets in half. None of the bills back and forth.

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by justafriend306

Hi. I just found out that my boyfriend is paying (half) of all household costs in addition to the mortagage and support payments.

It is my belief that things like lawn/yard maintenance ought to be paid by her. Similarly things that she decides to do on a whim, like paint the interior of the home to better suit her decor or have a professional put in a garden. I will add that she has no physical barrier to doing these things herself. Furthermore she doesn't contact my boyfriend to discuss these decisions beforehand. She simply presents him with all these bills and he pays half.

Is this normal? This certainly is not how things worked after my divorce. I got a pay out and was left entirely to my own devices.

It's not 'normal' in the US as far as I know; but people can and do make all kinds of arrangements over and above whatever the law requires. It could be that your boyfriend regards the improvements as improving the living space of his child(red)--I assume there are children? Or are you saying there is just the ex-wife? Because if so, I would suspect she is not an ex-wife, but a still-married-to-him wife.

[BipolarMama31]

Before my husbands divorce was finalized and they were just separated he paid for half of everything like your bf is doing.
But when it was finalized, she got the house and everything in it in exchange for him not paying alimony.
But he did pay half mortgage and repairs and stuff for about a year and a half until it was settled on. But that was okay, because his name was on the house, so if it ended up being sold, he wanted it in nice condition. But she just refinanced into her own name and he now only pays child support.

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[healingme4me]

Unexpected expenses seems amiss. Typically agreements include payment schedules. I'd imagine similar outside the States?

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[divine1966]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Unexpected expenses seems amiss. Typically agreements include payment schedules. I'd imagine similar outside the States?

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But unless they are not divorced and are actually still married , unexpected expenses ( like lawn or yard maintenance) aren't ex's responsibility. It's nice when exes help each other but I have never heard of obligation to pay unexpected household expenses for ones ex

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Thx guys. He's actually asked her to produce a doctor's note to document why she is unable to do these things herself. I agree. She has chosen to remain in the house. That comes I believe with maintaining the house. She probably doesn't even know how to start or plug the lawn mover in. She's far from being physically unable to perform these things herself. It is my opinion she is either just being lazy or purposely taking advantage of him.

[divine1966]

Are they still married? Their kids live with her? It seems that there is something fishy going on. Mowing lawns isn't really something exes do for each other. How long they've been divorced ( if they even are)

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separated several years, divorce being finalized. She seems to be unable to lift a hand and do anything herself. She isn't crying that he rush over and do these things but will drop a receipt for him without even advising him of her perceived neccessity for discussion. There have been things he could have done or had done far cheaper. Meanwhile, I have not moved in. This is a point of contention for me preventing me from doing so. I feel as though she is controlling my life too. There are no children involved thank goodness. I understand she was very high maintenance in the relationship. Oh she's since announced she can't do the housecleaning either and has dropped him a bill for professional cleaning services.

I applaud the suggestion of getting a doctor's note. If it does turn out she is incapable of doing these tasks on her own, there exist programs for doing these chores for the physically disabled for either free or subsidized rate(s)

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by justafriend306

separated several years, divorce being finalized. She seems to be unable to lift a hand and do anything herself. She isn't crying that he rush over and do these things but will drop a receipt for him without even advising him of her perceived neccessity for discussion. There have been things he could have done or had done far cheaper. Meanwhile, I have not moved in. This is a point of contention for me preventing me from doing so. I feel as though she is controlling my life too. There are no children involved thank goodness. I understand she was very high maintenance in the relationship. Oh she's since announced she can't do the housecleaning either and has dropped him a bill for professional cleaning services.

I applaud the suggestion of getting a doctor's note. If it does turn out she is incapable of doing these tasks on her own, there exist programs for doing these chores for the physically disabled for either free or subsidized rate(s)

The divorce should solve a lot of these issues. What he legally owes her should be laid out in the divorce and he should make sure his lawyer knows what all he has contributed so far. You don't say how old this woman is. I don't recommend any "doctor's note" stuff except for how the settlement will be done. If she is claiming some sort of disability, that should be made a part of the legally enforceable settlement. They've settled into a push-pull kind of dance; for your sake, you're going to want to know if they will be done dancing when the divorce is finalized. Personally, I wouldn't want to be involved with a man who was dancing attendance on another woman.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by justafriend306

Hi. I just found out that my boyfriend is paying (half) of all household costs in addition to the mortagage and support payments.

It is my belief that things like lawn/yard maintenance ought to be paid by her. Similarly things that she decides to do on a whim, like paint the interior of the home to better suit her decor or have a professional put in a garden. I will add that she has no physical barrier to doing these things herself. Furthermore she doesn't contact my boyfriend to discuss these decisions beforehand. She simply presents him with all these bills and he pays half.

Is this normal? This certainly is not how things worked after my divorce. I got a pay out and was left entirely to my own devices.

Support isn't typically itemized or detailed. There is child support, based on things other than specific needs like food, shelter and clothing, it's based on simply the age of the child, number of children finances of parties and age of marriage. Nothing is laid out to specify what should be paid for because it's a specific amount that is decided on.

Same with spousal support. If they are doing it this way it's up to them, if he doesn't think it's fair, then it's up to him to use the court system to decide how much the amount should be. what she uses the money for is entirely up to her. She should not be saying "I need a new ____ give me $xxx"

That being said, has he voiced his own concerns about what he is paying or is this your concern? First off, this doesn't concern you nor is it really your place to decide. if he has a problem with it, then that's one thing but outside of that I would leave it be. On top of that you're his girlfriend, not even his wife, so really probably best to stay out of it.

[divine1966]

This issue is only due to them still being married. You kind of had to specify that in your op. My response only applies to divorced people. I symphatized thinking that judge was unreasonable.

In your situation though your boyfriend is still married and chooses to do things for his wife such as yard maintenance. It's certainly not something you can blame anyone but your BF for. It's his choice.

It's always problematic when you date married people ( separated or not), it's never a good idea IMHO

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[BipolarMama31]

I knew my husband when he was separated and going thru the divorce/custody stuff.
I stayed out of it completely. It was his fight to be had.
But i can say that for the time from separation to divorce he did pay half the mortgage and other things for the house. But once it was finalized in the divorce, she got the house and no alimony. And he was no longer responsible for the house and got off the mortgage.
But if it went a different way and the house had to be sold and split, he was ok with paying bc he didnt want it trashed or not kept up with. Or had his credit hurt bc of late payments.

But like i said, our relationship was new, and i had no part in what happened in the divorce negotiations or custody or child support. That was all him.


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[TishaBuv]

From what I understand, they look at what you have been spending for the past two years and that is what they assume you'll continue to spend.

[divine1966]

Honestly when there are no children, divorce wouldn't take several years. Why are they separated for several years and maintain that much contact with each other if there are no kids? The whole arrangement wouldn't work for me. Sounds suspicious

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[Moogieotter]

Hi,

Sorry you are stuggling. How serious is your relationship? Are you sharing finances and/or living together?

Please advise. Thanks,

moogs

[BipolarMama31]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Honestly when there are no children, divorce wouldn't take several years. Why are they separated for several years and maintain that much contact with each other if there are no kids? The whole arrangement wouldn't work for me. Sounds suspicious

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I agree. Too much support for 2 people who are trying to build separate lives. I would have tons of red flags if this was my bf.
I totally understand remaining friends with an ex, but not to the point of remaining to financially support them.

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