[xRavenx]

My ex broke up with me a few weeks ago. We ended on okay terms, but it was an emotional break up. It was his idea to break up, but I told him I understood. He has a lot of baggage from a past relationship, responsibilities of having full custody making it hard having a relationship now, and legal/financial/emotional issues to sort out. It was really a case of bad timing, and he requested that he needs space and that he can't be in a relationship. I do agree that a serious relationship is not realistic between us, but I'm still struggling.

I started the No Contact rule to try to give myself time to heal, but he contacted me one week into the break up. I did respond briefly to let him know I was not mad at him, because he sent frantic texts concerned about this and that it "seemed like forever" since we talked. He sent worried texts a few days later after that. I called him and explained to him that I still cared about him and was just taking a step back to give him the space he needs and for me to clear my thoughts. Our talk went well. He said he would like to see me soon, and the feeling was mutual. It wasn't a talk about getting back together, but it was clear that we both aren't ready to let go and it was his idea that he wants to see me again soon. We didn't set up anything exact yet, and I know he has a lot of responsibilities as a father where he can't just drop everything at any time.

A few days later, I sent a text to mainly say "hi" and have a light, friendly conversation to show I cared about how he was doing. It went well and ended positively. I decided that I would just let him reach out next since I don't want to push him into anything and so I can try to clear my mind. It's been a little over a week where I haven't heard from him. I would like to see him again, and he indicated that previously, but now I don't know how to interpret the silence between us. I was thinking it's now on him to reach out and that I should maybe go back to not contacting him for a while. Basically, I miss him and want to see him again, but I don't want to ruin our chances or look desperate. I somehow wonder if his pride is getting in the way of reaching out now though since he probably feels he appeared desperate with the frantic texts on two occasions....he might be a little embarrassed. What should I do? I was thinking maybe No Contact for a while to try to work on myself emotionally, but also to show him I'm not clingy. I don't want him to think I lost interest though, and I hope he would still like to see me again as he said before.

[fairydustgirl]

well...this has just been my recent experience. I was seeing a guy since March and he decided in June that he couldn't give me what I wanted (time)...we were both nice about going our ways and I was very cool, didn't email or text or any of that. Well, after a month of no contact, I did send him a short friendly note to stay safe (he's a police officer)...we ended up emailing and agreed to try texting for a while. At first he didn't send me anything so...despite me not wanting to seem desperate, I did send him a good morning a couple of days after the emails. and he has since then been much better about it...we take turns sending the first one. BUT I have a couple of times waited him out and he would finally send me a good night message. Anyway, as of the last few days, he has finally decided he wants to meet up ( I thought it would take longer for him to go there and I was NOT going to be the one to ask ) and has been very friendly and flirty.

SO...even though I have wanted to not be first to say hi, as long as I kept it very light and short, he seems to be ok with it. This particular guy seems to have trouble with being close, he is VERY slow to warm up. He's very sweet, very sexy and when we do spend time together we have a very good time. So I am trying to be patient. Definitely not one of my strengths

[Trippin2.0]

How about sending an image as opposed to text?



A funny pic or GIF, or meme he might enjoy, or an inspirational / motivational one, since he's going through some rough times.


I sometimes send my bf those when he's severely depressed, and silent. Its a good way to let him know I'm thinking about him, without any pressure to respond.


For you it could be that, and a way of keeping communication lines open without seeming clingy or pushy.

[ChrizBolez]

Retaining the initial friendship post an emotional breakup can be problematic. You're still very much invested in him emotionally, which is completely to be expected. The reason you're overly concerned with his lack of contact is because you still crave that close connection he chose to break off from. His silence could just be him being occupied or possibly being confused on what path he wishes to venture with you now. My advice would be to take a moment and let that hefty investment dwindle in size for a bit. Doesn't mean you can't touch base from time to time, but make an honest attempt to also break off from that close connection. Otherwise you may find yourself going all in on your investment in him and feeling let down by his actual investment in you.

Either way, I wish you the best.

[Wild Coyote]

(((((( xRavenx ))))))

Take your time. You will receive answers if you ask in meditation.
Follow your gut.


WC

I would completely avoid doing so. Opt instead for email contact. Doing so provides you with documentation should you later require it.

[kamikazebaby]

He can't have it both ways - don't let him string you along. This was his choice. No future here. Time to move on. (I'd go no contact.)

[divine1966]

Him worrying if you are mad isn't an indication of interest. I worry about if people are mad all the time. He broke up with you. Hoping to see him again isn't productive. He said he wants to see you again, but that could mean tons of things, is he planning on leading you on? Bored? Has hard time finding a date? Wants sex? Who knows. I wouldn't text him.

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[Talthybius]

Well, he broke up with you. Him having baggage or not being ready, that's all excuses if you ask me.

Maybe he has doubts now. Maybe he thought he could get someone else, 'better' in his eyes, but it didn't work out. Maybe he is using you as he transitions into a relationship he does care about. Maybe he just wanted to know you were doing ok so he doesn't feel bad about in what state he left you.

So he did message you. Did he tell you if he changed his mind? Did you tell him you aren't comfortable with him contacting you as long as he hasn't changed his mind?

You both seem way too old to beat around the bush with text messages.
And if you really want to give him a monologue he cannot interrupt, you can email him. Handwritten letters is a bit too old-fashioned. If you want to talk to him, call him to meet to talk.
Texting 'saying hi', that all seems pointless.

Maybe my post is a bit strange, but I just don't understand the 'It wasn't a talk about getting back together, but it was clear that we both aren't ready to let go'. What does that mean? You both prefer to be in limbo, not knowing where this is going?

Anyway, in the next sentence you say he wants to meet, but apparently you didn't make concrete plans? Why? I mean, he brought it up. So you said neither yes or no, and he dropped the subject? I mean, I doubt he brought it up, you said 'yes', then he said neither 'yes' or 'no', and you both moved on to some other subject, leaving it unresolved?

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by xRavenx

My ex broke up with me a few weeks ago. We ended on okay terms, but it was an emotional break up. It was his idea to break up, but I told him I understood. He has a lot of baggage from a past relationship, responsibilities of having full custody making it hard having a relationship now, and legal/financial/emotional issues to sort out. It was really a case of bad timing, and he requested that he needs space and that he can't be in a relationship. I do agree that a serious relationship is not realistic between us, but I'm still struggling.

I started the No Contact rule to try to give myself time to heal, but he contacted me one week into the break up. I did respond briefly to let him know I was not mad at him, because he sent frantic texts concerned about this and that it "seemed like forever" since we talked. He sent worried texts a few days later after that. I called him and explained to him that I still cared about him and was just taking a step back to give him the space he needs and for me to clear my thoughts. Our talk went well. He said he would like to see me soon, and the feeling was mutual. It wasn't a talk about getting back together, but it was clear that we both aren't ready to let go and it was his idea that he wants to see me again soon. We didn't set up anything exact yet, and I know he has a lot of responsibilities as a father where he can't just drop everything at any time.

A few days later, I sent a text to mainly say "hi" and have a light, friendly conversation to show I cared about how he was doing. It went well and ended positively. I decided that I would just let him reach out next since I don't want to push him into anything and so I can try to clear my mind. It's been a little over a week where I haven't heard from him. I would like to see him again, and he indicated that previously, but now I don't know how to interpret the silence between us. I was thinking it's now on him to reach out and that I should maybe go back to not contacting him for a while. Basically, I miss him and want to see him again, but I don't want to ruin our chances or look desperate. I somehow wonder if his pride is getting in the way of reaching out now though since he probably feels he appeared desperate with the frantic texts on two occasions....he might be a little embarrassed. What should I do? I was thinking maybe No Contact for a while to try to work on myself emotionally, but also to show him I'm not clingy. I don't want him to think I lost interest though, and I hope he would still like to see me again as he said before.

My first impulse related to the silence from him is that take everything into account here - he broke up with you on good terms and for good reason. He is the one that sent frantic texts, as you described sounding like he is kind of regretting his decision. Likely after the last interaction he may be thinking just what you are, confused, unsure of how to proceed etc. Maybe his reaction to such confusion is immobilizing. it is in his court, that is, the ball, but the thing is he did contact you early on. I don't think it's anything to worry about per se.

Going forward, if you mutually agree - yes you should have this conversation - maybe you should take it as it comes and breaking off completely wasn't what either of you really want but need to have space in the relationship itself and go slower? That is completely a possibility. You dont' have to go all in to be together and it doesn't have to be black and white "together or apart". It can be something you're both more careful of taking into account his needs for some space and time. and being a father.

hang in there. be patient for now, I say. Then when the opportunity to speak again, have the "talk" I'm alluding to here hope this helps.

[xRavenx]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

My first impulse related to the silence from him is that take everything into account here - he broke up with you on good terms and for good reason. He is the one that sent frantic texts, as you described sounding like he is kind of regretting his decision. Likely after the last interaction he may be thinking just what you are, confused, unsure of how to proceed etc. Maybe his reaction to such confusion is immobilizing. it is in his court, that is, the ball, but the thing is he did contact you early on. I don't think it's anything to worry about per se.

Going forward, if you mutually agree - yes you should have this conversation - maybe you should take it as it comes and breaking off completely wasn't what either of you really want but need to have space in the relationship itself and go slower? That is completely a possibility. You dont' have to go all in to be together and it doesn't have to be black and white "together or apart". It can be something you're both more careful of taking into account his needs for some space and time. and being a father.

hang in there. be patient for now, I say. Then when the opportunity to speak again, have the "talk" I'm alluding to here hope this helps.

First of all, thank you everyone for your responses. They help, and I'm glad for the support.

In response to this particular post....I agree, and this is what I am thinking, that it doesn't have to be 'together and apart.' After a little over two weeks of me not initiating contact and giving myself space, he called me and asked me out. After having time to put things into perspective (it's been a month since we've been broken up), I decided for myself there are different things going on in his life that make it where I don't want a serious relationship with him since he isn't even legally divorced yet and lacks stability emotionally and other wise (yes, I know it probably wasn't best to get involved in a newly separated person in the first place, although we do have a connection). Moving forward, I decided not to get involved with someone separated again since people often think they are ready, but they aren't.

I will go out with him to see how it goes, but I refuse to put my life on hold. I do have feelings for him, and he expressed he has feelings for me. I'm interested to see what he has to say over dinner. That being said, I plan to keep it brief when I go out with him and not dive into anything, especially since I'm not ready for that now. I even went on a couple of dates with others during our time apart just to enjoy the company of someone new without committing to anyone right now. I'm feeling happier overall. I look back and think there was too much pressure before we broke up, and it put a strain on our relationship. It seems we still want to be a part of each other's lives and need to just take a step back for now.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by xRavenx

First of all, thank you everyone for your responses. They help, and I'm glad for the support.

In response to this particular post....I agree, and this is what I am thinking, that it doesn't have to be 'together and apart.' After a little over two weeks of me not initiating contact and giving myself space, he called me and asked me out. After having time to put things into perspective (it's been a month since we've been broken up), I decided for myself there are different things going on in his life that make it where I don't want a serious relationship with him since he isn't even legally divorced yet and lacks stability emotionally and other wise (yes, I know it probably wasn't best to get involved in a newly separated person in the first place, although we do have a connection). Moving forward, I decided not to get involved with someone separated again since people often think they are ready, but they aren't.

I will go out with him to see how it goes, but I refuse to put my life on hold. I do have feelings for him, and he expressed he has feelings for me. I'm interested to see what he has to say over dinner. That being said, I plan to keep it brief when I go out with him and not dive into anything, especially since I'm not ready for that now. I even went on a couple of dates with others during our time apart just to enjoy the company of someone new without committing to anyone right now. I'm feeling happier overall. I look back and think there was too much pressure before we broke up, and it put a strain on our relationship. It seems we still want to be a part of each other's lives and need to just take a step back for now.

The world would have us believe that we need everything now, we need all of it or nothing and that everything should be done iwht "carpe diem" in mind. Truth is some things, especially the best things for us, take time to cultivate. There isn't much of courting any more in today's world. nothing wrong with having romance, dating and seeing someone without completely committing to them until you're both ready to take that commitment on fully. But until you are that doesn't mean seeing each other should be out of the question.

On another note, it could be that you're good for each other but the stages of life you're in are not right for commitment yet. Him being in a place of flux with relationships and commitment says nothing bout whether he will be the right one for you at some point to be with in a more committed way. You know that there is enough between you that you both don't want to cut it off, he just isn't ready.

I get tired of hearing when people just go separate ways because one isn't ready for a full commitment yet. why does all of it have to be now and 100% or nothing at all? Love and marriage, commitment etc does not come instantly nor should it.

I hope that you continue to have enjoyable time together and you can accept where each other are right now. At worst in this case it will turn out to be a lifelong friendship and even if so that's not a complete loss either.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

I believe being "buddies" directly after a breakup is a bad idea. It was a breakup for a reason, so, break up. Maybe a year down the road when both parties are healed. I'm friends with an ex but it took us awhile to get there.

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[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by RxQueen875

I don't believe being "buddies" directly after a breakup is a bad idea. It was a breakup for a reason, so, break up. Maybe a year down the road when both parties are healed. I'm friends with an ex but it took us awhile to get there.

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assuming you meant being buddies is a bad idea since you said you dont' think it is... but anyway

to each their own and depends on the couple. I typically try not to make any general statements or sweeping conclusions. For the most part, many times you are correct but when dealing with a specific person or people you gotta take into account both of them.

They didn't break up in a bad way but amicably, they both feel things for each other still and I don't think it would be a bad thing in this particular situation for them to be in contact.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

assuming you meant being buddies is a bad idea since you said you dont' think it is... but anyway


to each their own and depends on the couple. I typically try not to make any general statements or sweeping conclusions. For the most part, many times you are correct but when dealing with a specific person or people you gotta take into account both of them.


They didn't break up in a bad way but amicably, they both feel things for each other still and I don't think it would be a bad thing in this particular situation for them to be in contact.

Sorry I fixed it. Thanks for letting me know.

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[divine1966]

Him still being married is kind of an issue here. At least it would be for me

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[ComfortablyNumb5]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Him still being married is kind of an issue here. At least it would be for me

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Oh I missed that part. If he's still married I would cut contact until divorced is filed. I understand you want to be there for him but he needs someone to talk to about his issues, and by that I mean someone professional, not a recent ex where feelings may get In the way of him getting fair care from an outside source looking in.

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