Nervous ... Think I'm going to tell my partner I'm bipolar

hazn · Aug 23, 2016, 05:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anna72914

But if someone truly loves you it shouldn't matter that you have a mental illness. Even people without mental illnesses do things their partner can't handle and they leave them because of it. So if they can't deal with you, they can't deal with you...it shouldn't matter if you have a label for it or not. And so far he has been fine with her, so if he left just because she told him that, that would be very closed minded and judgmental on his part.

I think that it's the person's business who they choose to disclose to and when. We shouldn't have to walk around with it written on our foreheads.

I have a different opinion. Love isn't enough, and love is just one part of a relationship. Many enter into relationships in love, yet it at some point, for whatever reason, doesn't work out.

I've heard about how some behave during an episode, and it doesn't sound easy for the person suffering, or for their partner. It's not something small, it's huge. I think you know that if you were to tell them in the beginning of the relationship, they may decide not to pursue a relationship with you... but isn't that the type of person you're trying to avoid in the first place?

I don't think it's fair to label someone who doesn't want to have a relationship with someone who has a MI as judgemental or close-minded. What is there to be closed-minded about? The effects of MI are real, for both the sufferer and their partner. It's not something trivial, it's going to have a huge impact on your relationship, daily life, etc.

Aug 23, 2016, 05:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hazn

I don't think it's fair to label someone who doesn't want to have a relationship with someone who has a MI as judgemental or close-minded. What is there to be closed-minded about? The effects of MI are real, for both the sufferer and their partner. It's not something trivial, it's going to have a huge impact on your relationship, daily life, etc.

Because every person with mental illness is different and to make assumptions based on a label, I believe, is stereotypical. If you're leaving someone because of a behavior, that's different. It's the behavior you can't handle, rather the person has a MI or not. I think having a pre conceived idea about something is wrong. It's like saying because a few people with MI have committed crimes, we all must be criminals, and you don't want to date a criminal.

Of course the person has free will to walk away at any time, for whatever reason. But "limits" to staying with someone if they actually love you would be more of ab*se, or if the person was deceiving you. That's why with marriage it says In sickness and in health.

I'm not meaning to argue, I was just explaining my point.

hazn · Aug 23, 2016, 06:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anna72914

Because every person with mental illness is different and to make assumptions based on a label, I believe, is stereotypical. If you're leaving someone because of a behavior, that's different. It's the behavior you can't handle, rather the person has a MI or not. I think having a pre conceived idea about something is wrong. It's like saying because a few people with MI have committed crimes, we all must be criminals, and you don't want to date a criminal.

Of course the person has free will to walk away at any time, for whatever reason. But "limits" to staying with someone if they actually love you would be more of ab*se, or if the person was deceiving you. That's why with marriage it says In sickness and in health.

I'm not meaning to argue, I was just explaining my point.

I understand, thank you for explaining, Anna

Moogieotter · Aug 23, 2016, 06:42 PM

Miss you, Hitch! You're a catch!

divine1966 · Aug 23, 2016, 07:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hazn

When you tell someone about your mental illness, do you explain what it actually entails? It's one thing to tell someone you're bipolar, it's another to tell them what kinds of behavior they can expect and to let them decide whether or not that's acceptable to them.

It feels wrong *to me* to let someone fall in love with you and then tell them about your MI afterwards. Especially if it's something that is likely going to have a big impact on the relationship.

I understand that you might not want them prematurely judging you based on your MI, but is not telling them in the beginning and waiting until their already attached a good idea? If people were told in the beginning, then perhaps they could make a decision based on logic and what their thoughts are concerning MI. They can then decide whether it's something they can deal with. By delaying it, emotions are going to play a big part in the decision-making.

I don't know, but I wonder if this is the best approach for both of your sakes.

I agree with this. We reveal everything there was to reveal by 3rd and 4th dates. Way before falling in love or getting physically intimate. We didn't even kiss yet. But we knew it's going somewhere as we developed good friendship quickly. Not just health concerns. I don't have illnesses but told him I have enormous financial debt ( it's turn off for many so I needed him to know in case he wants not to proceed etc)

But from what I gathered from others people wait longer or don't reveal until they are involved or even married. It is probably ok but I'd rather people were given a choice to proceed or not. I think it also depends what one is looking for. If it is potential marriage i want to know early

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seesaw · Aug 23, 2016, 08:05 PM

Wow. I definitely don't think someone has the right to know about my PTSD or Depression on the first date or even on the fifth date. It's my personal business. I feel like you tell the person when you are comfortable with them knowing and feel like you can trust them. There is a lot of stigma associated with mental health disorders, and you absolutely have the right to be assessed by you and your character and personality and not some perception of an MI.

I think you did the right thing in waiting until you felt it was time to.

Seesaw

Crazy Hitch · Aug 24, 2016, 01:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by seesaw

Wow. I definitely don't think someone has the right to know about my PTSD or Depression on the first date or even on the fifth date. It's my personal business. I feel like you tell the person when you are comfortable with them knowing and feel like you can trust them. There is a lot of stigma associated with mental health disorders, and you absolutely have the right to be assessed by you and your character and personality and not some perception of an MI.

I think you did the right thing in waiting until you felt it was time to.

Seesaw

That's EXACTLY it see. I had to trust him truly before discussing this. And it wasn't an easy conversation.

I get the point of what others are saying, but if he truly accepts me, doesn't that mean he accepts me, warts and all.

Crazy Hitch · Aug 24, 2016, 01:36 AM

And stigma - I forgot to comment on stigma.

If I run around telling people I'm bipolar they're gonna assume I'm *crazy*

Artchic528 · Aug 24, 2016, 02:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by seesaw

Wow. I definitely don't think someone has the right to know about my PTSD or Depression on the first date or even on the fifth date. It's my personal business. I feel like you tell the person when you are comfortable with them knowing and feel like you can trust them. There is a lot of stigma associated with mental health disorders, and you absolutely have the right to be assessed by you and your character and personality and not some perception of an MI.

I think you did the right thing in waiting until you felt it was time to.

Seesaw

I agree with this 100%. It's really up to the person to disclose mental health history at their own discretion, when they feel the time is right.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crazy Hitch

That's EXACTLY it see. I had to trust him truly before discussing this. And it wasn't an easy conversation.

I get the point of what others are saying, but if he truly accepts me, doesn't that mean he accepts me, warts and all.

I think so, Hitch. It's not easy telling someone you've grown to love deeply that you've been struggling with MI. I don't even like to talk about it with my own family because it feels uncomfortable, awkward as hell, and I also don't want to worry them or make them feel sad because I sometimes think dark thoughts. I've grown to think that if someone truly loves you and it's meant to be, then they'll accept you, all of you, even the demons and emotional baggage you carry with you. After all, it's not necessarily their responsibility to help you carry that emotional baggage and to help fight those demons, but I imagine having someone actually want to do that because they love and care about you that much would help ease the burden and make the fight that much easier. Or maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic who's also hopelessly naïve.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crazy Hitch

And stigma - I forgot to comment on stigma.

If I run around telling people I'm bipolar they're gonna assume I'm *crazy*

That is also true. I don't openly broadcast on dating sites that I struggle with MI because that would make about 90% of potential partners just run in the opposite direction, without taking the time to get to know me first, and realizing that I'm not just that "crazy" woman, but I also have depth to my personality. I have hopes, dreams, feelings, and am infinitely more complex than any mere label could hope to capture. After all, we aren't defined by the illness we fight to overcome, but rather how we chose to go about fighting the good fight against said illness. At least, that's how I think of it as. It just takes a good person to realize this, and not the other way around. Hitch, I hope your BF is that good person. I really do.

Crazy Hitch · Aug 24, 2016, 03:00 AM

I feel anxious now that I've told him and not at all relieved that he now knows. If he's gonna run ... now would be the time for him to run....he's not gonna run .... I'm rambling...nervous rambling

Artchic528 · Aug 24, 2016, 03:09 AM

I can certainly understand why you feel so nervous. I mean, I don't want to make you feel worse, but I too would worry if someone I cared would behave differently around me if they knew. It's a lot for both of you to deal with.

Why don't you drink some soothing and calming tea, Hitch. Even though I don't particularly like tea myself, the idea of sipping on a cup of chamomile tea just sounds so relaxing. If you can't shake the anxiety, maybe having another talk with the BF and tell him how you feel. I know it isn't easy, but maybe it'll help to ease some of the nervousness you feel over him knowing now.