[ladytiger]

Hello. I have been doing some thinking a lot lately. I have been friends with a guy for a long white now, a few weeks ago we were at an event together, went to ihop, and we kissed twice in the parking lot. Last night, we kissed in the parking lot at another restaurant told him it's been a long week and I really wanted to see him.

He was asking me about what kind of relationship I am looking for. I had some writings on what I don't want and what I want in a relationship. I haven't gone back in them lately to read or change them. Why am I still having a hard time about what I want in a relationship? After years of being told I don't have wants/needs/boundaries just suck it up for whatever treatment comes. I told him my dating life is pretty limited I kept my single on and off for a long time.

I am still trying to figure out who I am this is something that was discussed with two former therapists but never had the chance to go in depth about that topic. He told me what he wanted in a relationship he said I don't want to be married again, no more kids (has 2 grown kids), he wants to have relationships with people he is up for anything down for whatever I really like how he said that and he said take it from there he has no expectations.

My goal is trying not to have expectations either. For not having a lot of dating experiences in my life, how do you figure out yourself and what you want? My relationships in the past were just toxic and sexual hoping something would come out of it. It was emotionally draining and abusive I have this tendency to go finding abusive people to be in relationships those were my "relationships" and my previous relationship with my ex wasn't healthy either. I still attract negative people/relationships into my life.

I am 30 and this guy I am talking about is 58. People have it clear what they want in a relationship still fuzzy for me. I told him last night I feel like I am overthinking and analzying how is it gonna look. I am still weak in picking up bad traits from people I may know it is bad but cutting them out is still hard for me to do as I have "accepted" that mistreatment for so long.

Anyway, relationships are still fuzzy. Any suggestions?

[divine1966]

Is this the same guy who is into polyamory?

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[ladytiger]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Is this the same guy who is into polyamory?

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Yea. My question is about knowing yourself and navigating relationships.

[unaluna]

I was once or twice in a similar situation. I made a better decision the second time. Its rough when it seems like you only have one choice - this or loneliness. But if you had a choice between this and something or someone you REALLY wanted, would you settle for this guy? If the answer is no, then dont waste your precious time with this guy.

Growing up the way we did, our parents convinced us that what we wanted didnt matter, we werent going to get it, and we better be grateful for what we get, and my mother actually told me, afterwards you force or trick him into giving you what you want. I guess i wasnt cute enough to force anybody.

Slow down and look around for what you really want. Not something fancy - but somebody who believes in you, who treasures you, who sees the good and strength in you.

[divine1966]

I think it's important to listen to one's guts. I often refused to listen to my own inner voice even when I knew what's right and what's not. If you are questioning if somebody is right for you then he probably isn't. Do your guts tell you he is a good partner? If you still aren't sure after long time then likely he isn't

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[ladytiger]

Originally Posted by unaluna

I was once or twice in a similar situation. I made a better decision the second time. Its rough when it seems like you only have one choice - this or loneliness. But if you had a choice between this and something or someone you REALLY wanted, would you settle for this guy? If the answer is no, then dont waste your precious time with this guy.

Growing up the way we did, our parents convinced us that what we wanted didnt matter, we werent going to get it, and we better be grateful for what we get, and my mother actually told me, afterwards you force or trick him into giving you what you want. I guess i wasnt cute enough to force anybody.

Slow down and look around for what you really want. Not something fancy - but somebody who believes in you, who treasures you, who sees the good and strength in you.

We are taking things very slow we both agreed let's see where it goes. I have a great feeling about him settle? I'm not getting married him and I get along so great. I can see myself with him. The thing is my decision making has always been poor what I want/need has been made 4 me and figuring out things 4 myself. I feel no negative energy from him. When I listen to people who talk about what they want and don't want it comes out natural for them 4 me I'm all over the map.

He gave me stuff to think about such interesting topics. So yea like you said we have choices...

I never knew what I wanted. I did get what I needed.

Sounds like non-advice and I will admit that it is. I just guess that what I am saying is that if there are expectations, that's where the difficulties start.

[ladytiger]

Agreed. Trying not to have expectations I just enjoy my time with him.

[healingme4me]

He sounds like a free spirit. If you're conflicted about your needs he's probably for a season/reason, not a lifetime.

So, perhaps go with the flow and keep your options open. Don't tune yourself out of the fray by keeping him your main focus is what I'm trying to say. He sounds like a wants his cake and eat it too, type, and you sound like you are in an uncertain phase of your life.

"Interrogate your hidden assumptions."-Cornel West

[ladytiger]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

He sounds like a free spirit. If you're conflicted about your needs he's probably for a season/reason, not a lifetime.

So, perhaps go with the flow and keep your options open. Don't tune yourself out of the fray by keeping him your main focus is what I'm trying to say. He sounds like a wants his cake and eat it too, type, and you sound like you are in an uncertain phase of your life.

"Interrogate your hidden assumptions."-Cornel West

He said things could change depending on how long we are together nothing Isn't forever. I'm not looking for the one neither is he. There are some things I'd like to have in a relationship but right now it's not ideal.

I'd like to have a relationship with someone where we spend time together have sex have intelligent conversations etc be respectful of each other and our time. That's why I said dating experience is rather limited on knowing my needs and wants. I'm gonna write down needs and wants so I can narrow it down.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by ladytiger

He said things could change depending on how long we are together .

To me, that's a dangling a carrot expression because it opens the idea that change is possible. What needs changing if it's a go with the flow open ended relationship. It's placating. As opposed to stating the/his obvious of not wanting a more serious committed relationship. If you're a good girlfriend, maybe I'll change my outlook type of expression.

"Interrogate your hidden assumptions."-Cornel West

[ladytiger]

I told him I don't want a bf and he doesn't want a gf we are both free agents that's the journey I want to start on I have no desire for a long term committed relationship not at my age. Neither does he. We haven't decided on anything taking it slow and still discussing

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by ladytiger

I told him I don't want a bf and he doesn't want a gf we are both free agents that's the journey I want to start on I have no desire for a long term committed relationship not at my age. Neither does he. We haven't decided on anything taking it slow and still discussing

Use a condom every time. I think you can do better than this guy who sounds like he has figured out you won't kick for more than the sex he wants to have with you. It might help you "figure out" what you want when you realize that good relationships--of any kind, share many of the same traits: mutual respect; honesty; trust; and fair exchanges--pleasant conversations; good value for a dollar (in business relationships); sharing with one another---time, confidences, needs, wants, etc.

You're only 30? Why wouldn't you want a boyfriend? A nice respectful honest man close to your own age you could go places with; do fun things together; maybe fall in love?

I'll go back to what I wrote before: use a condom every time. If he is into sex with everyone and sundry, your chances of contracting HIV go way up.

[ladytiger]

Originally Posted by IceCreamKid

Use a condom every time. I think you can do better than this guy who sounds like he has figured out you won't kick for more than the sex he wants to have with you. It might help you "figure out" what you want when you realize that good relationships--of any kind, share many of the same traits: mutual respect; honesty; trust; and fair exchanges--pleasant conversations; good value for a dollar (in business relationships); sharing with one another---time, confidences, needs, wants, etc.

You're only 30? Why wouldn't you want a boyfriend? A nice respectful honest man close to your own age you could go places with; do fun things together; maybe fall in love?

I'll go back to what I wrote before: use a condom every time. If he is into sex with everyone and sundry, your chances of contracting HIV go way up.

Agreed he does take testing seriously i saw his results and I showed him mine. I don't want to be tied down to another person and be considered one unit. Reason being it would drive me nuts 10 yrs of a previous relationship and to get a boyfriend would be asinine to me. I just don't want to feel like I am gonna babysit a guy like I did with my ex.

Fall in love? Not looking for love at age 30 I don't want what other people want. sure love is nice to have but right now I don't really care it's about me finding myself and getting to know myself so I don't see the point in falling in love and getting a boyfriend. Things can change when I get close to 40, but right now it's about me. I made this decision after 8 months of learning about myself. I am just going on another journey in my life when it comes to relationships. I want to practice relationship anarchy meaning being autonomous and being free to create relationships as i see fit without being tied down to what society wants.

[divine1966]

Honestly society doesn't care what relationships we have. We all have different preferences. You should do what feels right as long as no one gets harmed.

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[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by ladytiger

Agreed he does take testing seriously i saw his results and I showed him mine. I don't want to be tied down to another person and be considered one unit. Reason being it would drive me nuts 10 yrs of a previous relationship and to get a boyfriend would be asinine to me. I just don't want to feel like I am gonna babysit a guy like I did with my ex.

Fall in love? Not looking for love at age 30 I don't want what other people want. sure love is nice to have but right now I don't really care it's about me finding myself and getting to know myself so I don't see the point in falling in love and getting a boyfriend. Things can change when I get close to 40, but right now it's about me. I made this decision after 8 months of learning about myself. I am just going on another journey in my life when it comes to relationships. I want to practice relationship anarchy meaning being autonomous and being free to create relationships as i see fit without being tied down to what society wants.

If you want to have sex with old men as some sort of societal protest, I still suggest using a condom. Every time. An HIV test he had done awhile ago may not be reflective of his status now.

[divine1966]

I agree with ice cream kid. Sexual anarchy so to speak often comes with a price: std or worse. Test results will only reveal that much unless he tests daily. His test result will not reflect his last night escapades for example etc so yes use condoms every time

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[healingme4me]

Sounds like you've figured out what you want/need from relationships, despite your limited experience and prior toxic experience.

If you don't mind my asking, was this sorting out heavily weighted by your friend's input?

"Investigate your hidden assumptions."-Cornel West

[Bill3]

I am puzzled as to.how there are "no expectations" here. It sounds to me as though he has definite expectations as to no children and no actual commitment to you. Will this be an "open relationship" in actual practice, and if so is that part of what you yourself want in a relationship?

[ladytiger]

Originally Posted by IceCreamKid

If you want to have sex with old men as some sort of societal protest, I still suggest using a condom. Every time. An HIV test he had done awhile ago may not be reflective of his status now.

Lol had to laugh at societal protest. You test every 3 months. We haven't had sex period you can stop talking to me as if I'm 13.

[ladytiger]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I agree with ice cream kid. Sexual anarchy so to speak often comes with a price: std or worse. Test results will only reveal that much unless he tests daily. His test result will not reflect his last night escapades for example etc so yes use condoms every time

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I agree however when did I say we already had sex? We haven't. Reading in way too much of my post and what I'm asking

[ladytiger]

Originally Posted by Bill3

I am puzzled as to.how there are "no expectations" here. It sounds to me as though he has definite expectations as to no children and no actual commitment to you. Will this be an "open relationship" in actual practice, and if so is that part of what you yourself want in a relationship?

You sound so offended. He's 58 doesn't want anymore kids has 2 grown kids why does he need kids and commitment to me? I want zero kids and commitment I want deep meaningful relationships zero monogamy. It's called polyamory geez people go read!

Yes that's what I want been saying that I'm calling myself solo poly.

[ImmerAllein]

Ladytiger,

I can tell you what not to do, from my vast plethora of dating failures !

DON'T set rigid expectations of what you want ! A relationship is way too complex to describe in words, which means that trying to explain to a perfect stranger what you're looking for is a futile pursuit ! It's not like a recipe for cornbread that is a finite unchanging entity. Relationships, expectations, needs, desires, are complex and dynamic !

My suggestion: Go with the flow and see how things unfold. Anytime, you feel forced to do something and your gut tells you no, throw up a red flag. For instance, if you are forced into premature sex, or some behavior of his that hurts you.

That is really the best way to go about it, in my opinion. If you set rigid expectations, you are constantly then, in your mind, checking to see if the relationship matches those expectations. No fun !!! You're not enjoying the relationship. The relationship becomes very restricted and stale.

A healthy relationship, I think, starts off with no set expectations (except maybe some boundaries, like about sex), the partners slowly learn about each other ... habits, likes and dislikes, common interests, etc.

Anytime you're unsure of the relationship, check in with your gut !

[ladytiger]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Sounds like you've figured out what you want/need from relationships, despite your limited experience and prior toxic experience.

If you don't mind my asking, was this sorting out heavily weighted by your friend's input?

"Investigate your hidden assumptions."-Cornel West

When we were talking I was telling him about sorting what I want and don't want. I've been writing on things I don't want this is nothing like monogamy. For me I'm not emotionally available I have been with him.

I mean I don't know how to answer your question

[TishaBuv]

You answered your own question by saying you want someone to spend time with, have sex and good conversation with. So, if this man fills that role, you've got someone to see.

Personally, as soon as a man would drop the polygamy crap on me, I'd kick him to the curb. It's like he's telling you up front he just wants many partners and not to be tied down. Why do you want to be one of many? For me, with sex, I want to feel special and loved-- not used.