[boraz]

She is 20 years old, beautiful, smart, sweet and funny. We are 99% compatible. She says she loves me (not "in love"), that I changed her life, that because of me she is a different, better person, and that she wants me to be in her life. She spent the last 6 month texting and calling me, day and night while I was living overseas. We shared our deepest secrets.

The issues? I'm 38 and she has a boyfriend.

Now that I'm back where she lives things are starting to get really messy, I wanna see her and spend time with her, she wants to see me too but I can tell she holds back, probably because of her boyfriend, who already complained multiple times about me. She cried her eyes out for an hour when, 2 days ago I told her we can't keep doing this and that it would be probably best if she didn't call me or text me anymore.

Needless to say, I'm falling for her, since I have deep emotional issues, and not texting or calling her is driving me crazy, but the rational part of me is telling me she is never gonna leave her boyfriend for me
Am I crazy even thinking about pursuing this?

[Bill3]

How will you know what she would or might do if you do not ask her?

[boraz]

She is 20, I'm 38. She has been with this guy for 3 years. She seems happy with him. I'm not gonna judge their relationship because my judgement is obviously biased. She told me she wants to have both of us in her life. I'm not ok with being the platonic friend, the shoulder to cry on.
I get jealous when I see her posting pictures of them on social networks.
I know this is really toxic and I'm trying to put some distance, but it's really hard.
I really can't believe I'm losing my mind over a 20 year old girl.

[Rose76]

What she is doing is wrong. Her boyfriend is right to object. You were right to have told her what you did. Stick to it.

She knows how you feel about her. That feeling isn't mutual. She's using you. You probably listen patiently to her in ways her boyfriend doesn't. So she wants to keep stringing you along. She's selfish.

The difference in age between my guy and me is the same as the age difference between this girl and you. So I'm not too concerned about that. But I was older than her when I met my guy.

If this girl is telling you that she loves you, but is not "in love" with you, believe her. It's unlikely that will change. If you care about her, then step out of her life. She needs to finish growing up and decide whether to keep her current boyfriend, or move on without him. She needs to cultivate a female confidant.

Meanwhile, at age 38, you are still quite young, and you need to pursue finding a woman who is truly available to you. I'ld recommend you look at women older than 20. It sounds like you have a lot to offer. Evidently, you are empathetic and supportive. Find someone who has something to offer back.

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by boraz

She is 20 years old, beautiful, smart, sweet and funny. We are 99% compatible. She says she loves me (not "in love"), that I changed her life, that because of me she is a different, better person, and that she wants me to be in her life. She spent the last 6 month texting and calling me, day and night while I was living overseas. We shared our deepest secrets.

The issues? I'm 38 and she has a boyfriend.

Now that I'm back where she lives things are starting to get really messy, I wanna see her and spend time with her, she wants to see me too but I can tell she holds back, probably because of her boyfriend, who already complained multiple times about me. She cried her eyes out for an hour when, 2 days ago I told her we can't keep doing this and that it would be probably best if she didn't call me or text me anymore.

Needless to say, I'm falling for her, since I have deep emotional issues, and not texting or calling her is driving me crazy, but the rational part of me is telling me she is never gonna leave her boyfriend for me
Am I crazy even thinking about pursuing this?

I don't know if you are crazy or not. Is there a reason you don't pursue women your own age?

[boraz]

Originally Posted by IceCreamKid

I don't know if you are crazy or not. Is there a reason you don't pursue women your own age?

I just got out of a really messed up relationship with a woman my age. It was really bad and it literally ruined my life. I'm not going to go into details about it, I'll just say that this 20 year old girl started "pursuing" me when things started to get ugly with my ex. She was literally spamming my inbox with pictures and videos of her, sending me voice messages while she was out with her boyfriend, and things like that. The more she got close to me, the more I got away from my ex. I didn't decide to break up with my ex because of this girl, but I would lie if I said this beautiful 20 year old sending me pictures of her didn't affect me.

[boraz]

Originally Posted by Rose76

What she is doing is wrong. Her boyfriend is right to object. You were right to have told her what you did. Stick to it.

She knows how you feel about her. That feeling isn't mutual. She's using you. You probably listen patiently to her in ways her boyfriend doesn't. So she wants to keep stringing you along. She's selfish.

The difference in age between my guy and me is the same as the age difference between this girl and you. So I'm not too concerned about that. But I was older than her when I met my guy.

If this girl is telling you that she loves you, but is not "in love" with you, believe her. It's unlikely that will change. If you care about her, then step out of her life. She needs to finish growing up and decide whether to keep her current boyfriend, or move on without him. She needs to cultivate a female confidant.

Meanwhile, at age 38, you are still quite young, and you need to pursue finding a woman who is truly available to you. I'ld recommend you look at women older than 20. It sounds like you have a lot to offer. Evidently, you are empathetic and supportive. Find someone who has something to offer back.

to be honest, she never said "I love you but I'm not in love with you". She always says that she wants to be "my favorite", and she said she wants me to be in her life, I asked her why, and she answered "because I love you".
But I guess it's just semantics.

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by boraz

I just got out of a really messed up relationship with a woman my age. It was really bad and it literally ruined my life. I'm not going to go into details about it, I'll just say that this 20 year old girl started "pursuing" me when things started to get ugly with my ex. She was literally spamming my inbox with pictures and videos of her, sending me voice messages while she was out with her boyfriend, and things like that. The more she got close to me, the more I got away from my ex. I didn't decide to break up with my ex because of this girl, but I would lie if I said this beautiful 20 year old sending me pictures of her didn't affect me.

Yeah, I don't doubt most almost 40 year olds are affected by 20 year olds. But this is not a healthy relationship; it sounds messed up. Pictures and videos do not a healthy, happy relationship make.

[Bill3]

I agree that what is going on now is untenable.

Have you a belief that it could work? Then you can test that belief by speaking with her. If you don't feel able to do that, then you will be wise to move on.

[Talthybius]

The problem is you letting her string you along. Are you sure you act your age compared to her? Seems like you act weak.

You can decide if you want to be with her if she is willing to cheat on her BF. If you are, keep seeing her and make sure she knows you want to see her romantically. Just know that if she cheats on her BF, she will cheat on you.

If you don't want to be with a girl that is in a relationship, tell her to contact you once she is available. Then don't contact her. If she contacts you, ask her if she is single. If not, end the conversation politely.

I don't know her being somewhat of a drama queen, her mistreating her BF, and her walking all over you fit in with your '99% compatible' number. You sure you factored all that in? Never mind the age difference, which may create problems, if not be it what others think or how it is secretly something both of you aren't completely comfortable with.

I lost my mind over a 21 year old girl when I was 17. I lost my mind over a 19 year old girl when I was 32. I know what it is. At least in my case, I know they both are/were honest and good for me. With all that you say, I am not so sure about that.

[Rose76]

Originally Posted by boraz

to be honest, she never said "I love you but I'm not in love with you". She always says that she wants to be "my favorite", and she said she wants me to be in her life, I asked her why, and she answered "because I love you".
But I guess it's just semantics.

She is not in love with you. You are her nice warm security blanket. This is not friendship. This is you being like a spare tire to her.

[boraz]

Originally Posted by Talthybius

The problem is you letting her string you along. Are you sure you act your age compared to her? Seems like you act weak.

You can decide if you want to be with her if she is willing to cheat on her BF. If you are, keep seeing her and make sure she knows you want to see her romantically. Just know that if she cheats on her BF, she will cheat on you.

If you don't want to be with a girl that is in a relationship, tell her to contact you once she is available. Then don't contact her. If she contacts you, ask her if she is single. If not, end the conversation politely.

I don't know her being somewhat of a drama queen, her mistreating her BF, and her walking all over you fit in with your '99% compatible' number. You sure you factored all that in? Never mind the age difference, which may create problems, if not be it what others think or how it is secretly something both of you aren't completely comfortable with.

I lost my mind over a 21 year old girl when I was 17. I lost my mind over a 19 year old girl when I was 32. I know what it is. At least in my case, I know they both are/were honest and good for me. With all that you say, I am not so sure about that.

Everything you say is true. Since we are on psych central, I'm not gonna lie, I have big issues when it comes to relationships. I generally don't trust anyone, but when I do I let my guard down and give them everything, and that's what I did with this girl.
As I said, I was in a pretty bad relationship before (and my ex gf DID walk all over me for 3 years), and most of all I was alone in a foreign country. This 20 year old girl was really close to me in through this bad patch. I don't really know her motives, I just know she was sending messages, pictures, videos, skype calls non-stop. When I came back she insisted on coming to the airport to pick me up.
Yeah I was weak, because she is beautiful, she seems able to read my mind, that's why I said we are 99% compatible. And, I'm not gonna lie, she makes me feel young again. I know she is mistreating her boyfriend, but that's exactly what I did with my ex gf, once this 20 year old one started chasing me. I was texting her and looking at her pics while I was out with my ex (things were already going south tho).
I don't know if I'm comfortable with the age difference. I just know that I'm trying to do the "right thing" telling her not to call me anymore, because I'm older and she has a boyfriend. I wouldn't call her a drama queen, she cried in front of me just because we were at my place when I told her not to call me anymore. I know it's the adult thing to do, but it's killing me.

[Talthybius]

Maybe it's not fair of me to call her a drama queen. We all have our needs and insecurities, including her, and apparently you fulfill a need she has, but I think she is creating too much drama, at least for my, taste, in doing so.

A lot of what you say resonates with me as I have had similar experienced.
I can't say I practice what I preach.

Don't tell her you want no contact because you are 'too old', unless that is what you really believe, which if true you wouldn't be posting this.

I guess I just wanted to raise awareness that she may create too much drama and that she may be walking over you. You are to judge that. I guess you feel that you are not strong enough to be just friends with her. So tell her that you are interested in her romantically, and that she can contact you when she is available. And that doesn't just mean her being single, but also ready for an attempt at a new relationship.

Don't tell her you are too weak to be just friends. You should imply you don't want to be friends. If she doesn't get it, maybe only then literally state it.

Sounds like you may have been friend zoned and that at some point when she does break up, and you think you will have a chance with her, she suddenly tells you she has a new boyfriend.

I think there isn't anything in your post that implies any kind of true romantic tension, or am I misreading that?

[fairydustgirl]

I was 43, met a 23 year old man, he ended up being what I still to this day think of as being the love of my life. I felt for him much how you feel about this young woman. I will never forget him. But I did the right thing, the adult thing, and let him go. because he had not lived life yet, he was still growing up. It was one of the hardest things I have done. doing the right thing is not always the easy thing. There's much more to the story and a reason I am also on pc. he and I were both undiagnosed with mental illness at the time we met, our relationship is what led us both to finding out what our issues were. he has schizoaffective and I have bipolar.

[boraz]

Originally Posted by Talthybius

Maybe it's not fair of me to call her a drama queen. We all have our needs and insecurities, including her, and apparently you fulfill a need she has, but I think she is creating too much drama, at least for my, taste, in doing so.

A lot of what you say resonates with me as I have had similar experienced.
I can't say I practice what I preach.

Don't tell her you want no contact because you are 'too old', unless that is what you really believe, which if true you wouldn't be posting this.

I guess I just wanted to raise awareness that she may create too much drama and that she may be walking over you. You are to judge that. I guess you feel that you are not strong enough to be just friends with her. So tell her that you are interested in her romantically, and that she can contact you when she is available. And that doesn't just mean her being single, but also ready for an attempt at a new relationship.

Don't tell her you are too weak to be just friends. You should imply you don't want to be friends. If she doesn't get it, maybe only then literally state it.

Sounds like you may have been friend zoned and that at some point when she does break up, and you think you will have a chance with her, she suddenly tells you she has a new boyfriend.

I think there isn't anything in your post that implies any kind of true romantic tension, or am I misreading that?

I don't know if there is any kind of true romantic tension. Do you think sending me picture of her legs, ***, naked back, or her face sending me kisses is romantic tension? I honestly don't know. Whenever I said something like "I like girls with dark hair", she was like "oh ok I got that", or "Girls with nice nails drive me crazy" and she would send a picture of her perfectly manicured hands. I don't know maybe she is just an attention seeker. But I've known her for a year now, she doesn't do this with other male friends (because she doesn't basically have male friends).
Ok I have to be honest once again, I told her I don't want her to call me because I'm too old, but the truth is, I don't like being put in second place.

[boraz]

Originally Posted by Rose76

She is not in love with you. You are her nice warm security blanket. This is not friendship. This is you being like a spare tire to her.

I think you are right. And I don't like being a spare tire to anybody...

[BipolarMama31]

My husband is 13 years older than me. And we are perfecr together. I have no issue with age.

I think you said it best when you said you dont like being put in second place.

Thats exactly what she is doing.

Id say she is emotionally (at minimum) cheating on her bf. Why would you want someone who does that?

I know it feels exciting and fun, but it sounds like drama.

Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk

[Rose76]

This girl was in the market for a man she could exploit long before she met you. Young women don't normally send nude pics of themselves to male friends. She sent them to you because she figures you're lonely and that you will hang on in the hope that something intimate will develop between you. She read you right, didn't she?

She is not a nice person. You two are not 99% compatible. You should cut her off not because "it's the right thing to do." Cut her off because she is wasting your time. All she offers you is frustration and, eventually, real pain.

At age 20, she figures she's got lots of time to play head games with men. At age 38, you can't afford to waste your time on women who use you. Learn to move on quickly, when a woman is not a good catch. Move on and keep dating new women. That way you maximize your odds of finding someone decent.

[c0wpuggz]

don't do it...
i've been played in that game. SOOOO not worth it.

[divine1966]

I agree with rose. Nice women don't send naked pics of themselves to men while having a boyfriend

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[boraz]

Originally Posted by Rose76

This girl was in the market for a man she could exploit long before she met you. Young women don't normally send nude pics of themselves to male friends. She sent them to you because she figures you're lonely and that you will hang on in the hope that something intimate will develop between you. She read you right, didn't she?

She is not a nice person. You two are not 99% compatible. You should cut her off not because "it's the right thing to do." Cut her off because she is wasting your time. All she offers you is frustration and, eventually, real pain.

At age 20, she figures she's got lots of time to play head games with men. At age 38, you can't afford to waste your time on women who use you. Learn to move on quickly, when a woman is not a good catch. Move on and keep dating new women. That way you maximize your odds of finding someone decent.

Yeah, you are right. I can't afford to waste time. I guess she read me right, and I fell right in her mind game.
Thanks guys

[boraz]

Ok I have a question. How do I move on? As I said I have issues when it comes to relationships, attachment and the likes. I can't take this girl out of my mind.

[Bill3]

I can't take this girl out of my mind.

I would not expect her to come out of your mind right away, given how much communication you had with her, and the depth of feeling you experienced. It will take time.

[Rose76]

Originally Posted by boraz

Ok I have a question. How do I move on? As I said I have issues when it comes to relationships, attachment and the likes. I can't take this girl out of my mind.

I think you have to crowd her out. 38 is young. It's even younger in a guy than it is in a woman. Maximize your odds womanwise. The more opportunities you carve out to meet women the sooner you will get a date.

It's okay for her to be in your mind. That is inevitable for a while. But remind yourself of the not so attractive features of her character and personality. Reread what others have said above about how she comes across to objective observers . . . not so charming.

Even if you are going to stay semi-involved with her, start pursuing other options.

[LeeeLeee]

I have an idea: Leave her alone and find someone single, and within a few years of your own age.