(Almost) conclusion to my relationship issues

Other post discussing this is here: Why does he do this to me?

Note to the reader: I've decided to share this because I feel that the people who have listened to me so patiently deserve to know that I have taken their advice to heart and am trying to move on with my life now. Thank you!

Well, tonight I had my last private conversation with "the Boy" in person... just the two of us... before he leaves for home Saturday.

It was a good ~3 hour conversation. I asked him all sorts of questions - stuff I had always wondered about him, and then I got down to what I wanted him to know...

Everything about him that I like, everything about him I'm going to miss. How much it hurts that he's leaving (which he already knows) and how much my life is going to change because he's gone. He welcomed it at least, so it wasn't like I was ambushing him. Almost started crying, but managed to contain myself.

Then I gave him advice and talked to him about his flight and then ... oddly enough, I gave him relationship advice since the boy clearly needs it. Everything from what sort of qualities he should look for (I do know him pretty well) and what he should do on a (typical) first date. I give relationship advice to all of my friends when they ask for it.

Then I asked him to tell me everything I should be looking for in a guy. Also he expressed how much our friendship means to him. I asked him if there was anything about me that I should work on to change, and he told me once again that I shouldn't change because although I am not perfect, that I should only change for myself and never for anyone else. He gave me a recommendation for a friend of his (a guy I also happen to know) if I wanted to hang out and talk to another person. So maybe I will do that.

That's all I needed to decide something...

I told him I loved him. I really did. But I told him that I realized I don't want to date him, and never want any other relationship with him than the one we have. He's my best guy friend that I've ever had. We've had fun, and we talk and we just generally like to hang out.

I love him, but I won't consider dating him. I've got to grow up, he's a lovely person (and so much more) but the chemistry for that sort of thing just isn't there. He's leaving, and he's probably going to come back a changed person who has hopefully dated someone (he expressed an interest in doing as such), or perhaps find the "One".

With all of my previous experience with guy friends and the fact that I somehow manage to have feelings for the ones I'm close to. I should also know that people leave, and it hurts like hell but you eventually get over it. I will. Like some of my friends have told me, I can do this.

I know I latch onto people who are nice to me and are just generally nice people. Something that desperately needs to be changed. I don't want to be clingy, and I don't want to hurt anyone and I don't really want to push anyone away anymore.

I search for companionship and whatnot in the wrong places. Blame this on any number of things, but I'm owning the problem finally.

I know that our relationship is going to be changed by the distance change, and yeah I'll probably be mopey for a while but I'll be fine. I can't live my life hoping for something that won't happen. I can't live my life waiting for someone to save me from myself ... I can't live my life waiting for love to find me.

He promised to keep in touch with me, and he gave me his parents number (where he is staying for the next 2-3 weeks until he leaves the country) so I can phone him whenever. I will keep in touch with him and do whatever it takes to make this friendship work. I will not lose someone who is this important to me, unless he decides at sometime that he wants to let me go.

And so ends my relationship problems and whatnot. His going-away party (that I planned and invited people to) is tomorrow night and then he's gone by Saturday.

Much love to everyone for putting up with me through all of this. New to this kind of thing.

((((((((((((((((((((( Christina & Friend ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

It sounds to me like you have taken good stock in yourself and realized a number of important things. You are a smart woman and I can see that you will work through all of this and become a better person for it.

It sounds like the two of you have a wonderful friendship. What is in your hearts and souls, distance will not ever take away. You may both grow, learn and mature, but the basis of your friendship, love and respect will always be there for you both to draw on when you need it.

*Gentle Hugs*
sabby

Absolute, I agree with every word that Sabau wrote. I think you have come a long way emotionally, in maturity, since you started writing about this. Brava! And keep going.

You have grown so much! You deserve every good thing life has to offer.

You are going to make the right man for you so very happy one day!

I am very proud of you Christina!

((((((((Christina)))))))

such a strong beautiful person!

wow! that's all i can say! you rock!!!!

good for you canders

Big Hugs to you. That conversation and your strength took alot of courage.

You Go Girl!

ABT

thanks (((((((((((((((((everyone)))))))))))))))))

I just got back from the going-away party I planned for him. It was nice. I gave him a photo album of pictures of all of his friends, so he remembers what we look like. Also gave him some money so he can buy something nice for himself (he's a bit broke). It was good. Hung out with him and some other friends, got some good pictures of just the two of us ... didn't do much talking, but there's not much left to say. Hugged him goodbye and got a bit teary-eyed. Don't think he noticed though, which is good. Probably seeing him tomorrow and saying goodbye to his parents because I've met his family and they seem to like me and I won't be seeing them while my friend is away.

So ends another chapter in my life. Seems surreal at the moment. Going to write him out a letter telling him everything I said yesterday ... so he remembers that I do care about him.

And you'd better believe I will hound him to keep in contact!

I just need to say again how proud I am!

You are such a beautiful person!

Oh sweety....the chapter is not over yet....it is still unwritten

One never knows what life will bring to them. There are opportunities galore, doors open and shut all the time. And many times, just when you think it's the end....voila!!! you find it's only just the beginning.

I'm so glad you had a good time at the party. I am so impressed with how you are handling everything. I know there will be some sad moments....and that's ok. You will find a way to work past them and move on to bigger and better days! I have faith in YOU!



sabby

He's gone.

I'm

I did get to say goodbye again and he said he'll miss me. His mother thanked me for being his friend.

Now I just get to be hurt.

((((((((((((((((((( Christina )))))))))))))))))

I'll sit and cry with you and give you a big ole hug if you want.

When you are ready, think about all the fun times you had together and all you have learned from each other. You have a special friendship and that can never be taken away from you. He will be forever in your heart and soul....

*Gentle Hugs*
sabby

dont "hurt" yourself canders, is all i want to say, take that has you will, you know what i am saying canders, pm away at any time.

thanks ((((((((((((lovely people))))))))))))))

I did some crying. Then a lot of sleeping. Not very much fun, but this is good right? Nothing self-destructive.

thanks

Crying and sleeping are good Canders......

I hope with each passing day you feel better and stronger.

Hugsss
sabby

You did good Christina! Real good. Now please be gentle with yourself and give yourself plenty of time to heal. Don't rush your feelings. Let them flow. And cry when you need to or want to. Wash it all out.

You did real good! You are a very strong person.

how you holding up babe?

That's how I feel.

((((((((((((((((((((((((Christina))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Better days are coming hon.....with each passing day I hope you feel stronger and find some peace and happiness.

Hugsss
sabby

He's not going to phone me, is he?

I wait up for two whole hours when I should be sleeping, and he's not going to phone.

My friend said he was staying over at his place tonight and would have the Boy call me. He still hasn't. He's in the %#@&#! CITY and he's not going to phone me. Probably only here until tomorrow. But he's HERE. And I don't think he's going to contact me.

Dammit. I'm pathetic. Here I am a sobbing mess about a boy who doesn't care about me the same way I care about him ... and all I want right now is for him to be here. I just want a hug again. I want to see him again.

Crap. Now the crying is worse.

Love's a *bleep*. Life's a *bleep*. Boys are stupid. Remind me to never ever care about one this much ever again, please.

Why me. What did I ever do? It's not fair. I know life isn't supposed to be fair, but I really wanted him to be here. Now he isn't. Yes, I'm self-centred.

I miss him so much. It hurts too much inside. He's only been gone what - a week now? I can't do this. I just want to see him again.

Actually right now I'd settle for hearing his voice.

And nobody is around IRL for me to beat up or force them to hug me. Haha.

Emo Christina out.

((((((Christina))))))))

I'm no boy, but I'd hug you if I was there.... I'm so sorry. Boys are stupid. They really are. If it helps, he probably isn't doing it on purpose, but knowing that won't make it any easier I guess.... Nothing wrong with being emo anyway haha.

You didn't do anything to deserve this, but you know that hopefully... I hope this will get easier for you. I've not had the same kind of experience so I can only imagine how much it hurts... I guess it would be similar to a breakup with added hurt... and breakups suck.

Hope you feel better,
Meander

((((((((((((Meander)))))))))))))) Thank you, so very much.

He didn't phone last night. He showed up here at Carleton at about 10am and we hung out (and I bought him lunch) and just talked until he just left now (1pm). I think I will go be sick now. %#@&#!. This hurts. A lot. I can't cry. Not here. Need to be good and contain it until I can deal with it tomorrow or the next day. Why why why me. It wasn't much talking, we've said all that needs to be said... but dammit, I should have thought up something more to say than "I miss you".