H can come home late and it's fine, but not if I'm the one coming home late!

This is quite a story, so stick with me.

2 days ago was my company picnic. I asked H 2 weeks ago if he wanted to get off work early and come to it since he only works about 15 minutes away. He said "Nah, you go ahead and go without me. Last time it was kind of boring and you'll have more fun if you don't have to tote me around". Well no, actually it would be really nice to have you there since most people bring their spouses, but whatever. I'm sure he never gave it a second thought. So I wasn't even going to remind him of it because I figured I'd just go for the snacks and drinks and leave when they were going to serve the meal and I'd still be home before him and he'd never know any different, but I sent him an email from work the morning of saying "Forgot to mention to you that it’s our picnic today. I have no desire to stick around for the meal, just the snacks and drinks. I’m sure I’ll still beat you home tonight." He responds with "Grab a plate for me too". I don't know if he was trying to be funny or what (because if he wanted a plate he should have come!) but I told him "As I said, I’ll be taking off before the meal is ready to go. We’ve got brats to cook for dinner at home!" and he responds with "Okay sounds good".

The reason I was skipping the meal is so we could have dinner together at home because or else I could just hear from previous times "Oh you didn't bring anything home for me? Great thanks for thinking of me! Now I have to find something to eat for myself." I could just see it. I get home at 6:30, about 15-30 minutes before I expected him home. 7:30 he still wasn't home. 8:00 he still wasn't home. 8:30 he finally calls me all upbeat and the first words out of my mouth to him are "Don't tell me you are still at work" (I knew he wouldn't be). He goes "Well kind of. I had to deliver a motorcycle to one of the customers and I asked my coworker if he wanted to follow me and then we'd stop and have a beer and then he could drop me back off at the shop. We went to the pub and ran into a guy I know and we started talking motorcycles. But now I'm back at the shop and on my way home." I was furious! I skipped the meal at the picnic to have dinner with him. He knew I was going to be home before him and that we were going to have brats for dinner. I could have hung out much longer with my coworkers. Oh AND the place we had the picnic was about 4 blocks from my work and the pub they went to (that they always go to) is LITERALLY 3 doors down from where I work! I could have easily met him if I had stayed and eaten at the picnic but he tells me "Oh I thought you were going to be leaving for home at like 5PM before I even got off." He didn't even try and call me. Not only did he not try and call me about that, but he didn't even bother to call me and tell he was going to this pub. He's just 2 hours late getting home but it's not a big deal to him. You can be damn sure it would be a big deal if it was me! Then he went on about how the guy he asked to go to the pub with him was so grateful for him asking him to go because he doesn't know anyone here. That's great, but I expected us to be having dinner together. I at least should have gotten a call before you made the decision to go there so I wasn't sitting there waiting to have something to eat. If I had pulled this stunt, you can be sure I'd be hearing about it for days about how I didn't call and came home late. I'd probably even get "Oh were you with your boyfriend?"

He finally gets home about 9PM and after 5 minutes I tell him I'm tired and going to bed. I WAS tired, but I was more irritated than anything and he could tell. He then tells me he's tired too and going to check his email, log into his game and see what's going on and he'll be in shortly. Well anytime he tells me he'll "be in shortly" I can pretty much take that as that's the absolute opposite of what he's going to do. Sure enough, I wake up at 11 and hear the video game. He didn't even seem to bother to try and keep the noise down. I shut the door and turn on the fan to block it out. He doesn't come to bed until almost 1AM! Okay you know you already irritated me by not coming home until later and not letting me know, and then you irritate me again by spending nearly 4 hours playing your stupid video game! Thanks for spending 5 minutes of your day with me! God I want to throw that computer of his out the window! He will sit there for hours on end playing that. Maybe come and sit with me for 30 minutes before he has to race off and play again. Nothing else gets done around the house.

And this is why I never am able to tell him I'm upset by his actions because of how he reacted last night. He comes home and within a minute or two he says "Oh you were mad last night weren't you?" Apparently he thought I was going to say my usual of "No it was okay" and I say "Yes, I was a little irritated." He goes "WHAT?! Oh because I didn't ask you to meet up with me afterwards?" I say "No, because I thought we were going to have dinner together and that's why I left the picnic early." He goes "We have dinner together EVERY SINGLE NIGHT! I left my phone in my backpack which I had left at work so I couldn't call you until we had gotten back from the bar. It was all very impromptu and I thought you'd be gone from the picnic by 4PM". Okay the night before he told me he didn't call because he thought I'd be gone from the picnic at 5, and now he's saying 4. I say "The picnic didn't even START until 4!" He goes "Fine whatever". And obviously this whole thing wasn't "impromptu" because you told me the night before that you had asked your coworker to follow you to the customers house and then you'd go to the bar afterwards. You KNEW this before you even left work and you couldn't call me??

Then for the next 30 minutes I heard "Well are you cooking so we can have that meal together?" "I'm going into the computer room but you let me know when it's ready so we can eat together because I wouldn't want to miss it". "Good thing we've got a 3-day weekend to eat together". After that I said to him "Please just let it go" and he goes "Oh now you don't want to hear about it huh?"

This is EXACTLY what happened 2 years ago when I came home about 1 1/2 hours late from an after work party. Same circumstances of not having my phone on me and not being able to call him. Oh my god, was he LIVID about the fact that I didn't call. He didn't let that go for days about "Make sure to come home tonight" and "Don't get so drunk you can't find your way home". The exact same thing he did the night before but when he does it, it's no big deal and I'm making a huge deal out of nothing, but I do it and he will make sure to remind me of how I f'd up for days!

What an unfair situation! Is this ADHD-related? If not, ask the mods to move to the Relationships forum. All you need to do is click the triangle on your post. On the left.

Well he hasn't officially been ADHD diagnosed but I sure think he has it.

Maybe so, but a combination of typical male behavior and lack of communication.
My apologies in advance because not all males act this way---just sayin'.

(By the way, the way you described the situation, you remind me of my sister!)

Your husband at least owes you an apology! Sorry you went through this. One thing is for certain sometimes men don't think about women's feelings. Not all men but some. They get so wrapped up in what they are doing they don't stop to think how it will affect the woman. Of course this is no excuse. And since you coming home late two years ago upset him so then he should be able to understand how upsetting this is for you that he did not consider your feeling before he acted.

Are you afraid of your husband? It comes across that way.

If I went to work picnic I'd stay there as long as I wanted. I don't see any need to rush home and be there before him.

Most certainly I see no need to actually eat together every single night especially if I have an option of having fun at a picnic.

Then he plays video loud but rather than telling him you are just closing the door. Why not tell him to turn it off or keep it quiet.

Why not tell him the truth that you are very upset or angry not "little irritated).

I think you are married to a loser and you are giving him way too much power! Take your power back