Disinterest in any relationship, not asexual

So I find myself absolutely and entirely uninterested in getting into any relationship involving a partner of either the same or opposite sex. I had some type of longing for sexual intimacy during my early teenage years but they subsided by the time I was 16 to 17 years old. Due to my past with alcoholic parents, high anxiety in my youth, crippling and suicidal depression without too much outside help, I have grown to be extremely emotionally self-sufficient and the thought of a relationship, both the act of acquiring one and maintaining it, just seems like a lot of trouble for little gain.

Although I'm by no means asexual. I'll be very clear on that. I entertain the idea of sexual partners yet lack the means to acquiring them. I also feel no compelling need to such an end. It is an "it'd be nice if", not an "I must have" situation.

I don't even really know why I felt like I wanted to post this here. Maybe just to vomit out feelings never shared? I guess I'd like to know if anyone ever felt similar, or had some deeper insight to donate. Either way, it's here now. Say something, or don't, it most likely will change little.

I have similar experiences. I don't have time to go into details right now. PM me if you want.

I don't know how old you are now. I always felt like I was more sexual than average, but I had conplete retraint. I never flirted with any girl. I remember vividly kicking a girl who was interested in me when I was like 14. I always thought they were making fun of me. I even have a new memory that I didn't have for a long time resurface just right now. I am pretty sure at some point two random girls who shared only one class with me, one of them had written a letter. Like some kind of love letter. They were all giggly. I was 100% sure they were playing me for a fool. They might have been, I am not sure. I didn't even want to accept their letter or read it or talk to them. The teacher told me to pin it down at a public notice board. Not sure if that is where it ended up, don't remember there. What a prick was that teacher, looking back.

I wouldn't talk to girls ever on the rare cases I was going out. My friends knew I hated girls. Guys would ask me why I wasn't interested, they all knew, and I had all kinds of excuses. I even had my brother tell me once, "Just only have sex with them if you don't want a GF".

Well I am going into details. Thing is, I fell in love with a girl as a young adult. That was an experience both incredibly painful and shaking me fundamentally, about everything. It took 8 years to recover, I had to reinvent myself as a person 3 times. As the years passed, my life became empty of all social contact. I had no desire to relive being in love, at all. I feared it, even when I had 0 people talk to me, ever, except for my father. Even then I feared falling in love again.
I had no education or job at that point, reaching age 29. And no desire to ever be with someone.
I did have very strong sexual fantasy. I would masturbate 1 to 3 times a day, based on cute and innocent sexual fantasies I created 100% in my mind. No visuals/porn. I would imagine a complete repertoire of real woman with real personalities and quircks inside my mind.

At some point I realized I either had to live with 100% intensity, or face a crippling depression that might lead to suicide eventually. So I went from someone who had to follow education meant for children with learning disabilities or mental retardation to a top student in a top50 university. Apparently, my youth was already being ****ed up by something before the age of 8.

Even as I reshaped my life and was succeeding professionally, I still had zero movement on the relationship sphere. As I finally was able to find some kind of life that was actual worth living and actual possible to achieve, I had some desire to in the distamt future have a life partner and children. But nothing was happening. I was making huge improvenents way faster than I could have imagined years earlier in my professional life, but still zero in the relation sphere. And the true reason is that while I see myself have a relationship in the future, I had no desire or drive or push to make me act on it right now. All woman I met left me cold, and I seemed to leave them cold. I didn't look out for them, and I didn't go out to meet them at events where they are actually looking to have fun and enjoy themselves. I didn't make an effort to connect to woman to see if that coldness would go away if I got to know them better (and all woman I meet are too young for me anyway or are my teachers).

Well, ill leave it at that.

It may be kind of ironic that I 'hugged' you after this post. But anyways I felt the same way for a while, you just have to find someone who's on the same emotional/mature level you are who's looking for the same thing. Maybe you're interested in casual relationships or ones with laid back people who are not emotionally reliant or draining, since you mentioned you don't want to change your emotional self-sufficiency.

I have not dated or anything since the x and I split up. That was nine years ago.

All of your feelings are worth exploring. You want to be your best, most peaceful and content self right? You want to experience joy and happiness. if you're doing the work and exploring your heart and mind you will have a great life no matter what you decide. Keep your mind open to possibilities. Hugs.