[4mygrls4ever]

I've been married for going on 30yrs. We have 4 children with 1 adult daughter and one of her children and one teenage daughter living at home. I'm 48yrs old and have always been a sahm. I've worked part time jobs here and there but my husband has always been the main financial provider. I have many issues that I want to discuss and get some input on. I don't want to bombard y'all with all of the issues so I'll try to narrow it down to the most important ones.
I feel so tired and so betrayed and don't feel I can take much more of the way things are in our family. Here's a quick background on my husband. He's a disabled vet. He was hurt many years ago when he was in the Military but wasn't able to receive any assistance with what happened to him. I met him right after he got out of the Military. We married and he entered into his career which happened to be with the Government. After working in his career for going on 20+ yrs the injury he received while in the military started affecting his ability to do his job. He was forced to medically retire and went on disability.
All throughout our marriage we have gotten into some really bad fights. We both hurt each other. Ever since he medically retired the fighting has gotten worse. I have my own mental issues that doesn't help our situation but I got help and continue to receive help with my issues. My Husband has gotten worse mentally and I try to be understanding about his situation. I know he's in pain physically and mentally everyday.
Here's some of the issues I have with my Husband that I don't know what to do about: I have always felt that he is ultimately the one in control over what happens in our marriage and to me. There was a very bad incident that occurred between me and his Dad, Step Mom and one of his sisters. My husband and are were fighting really bad and he was scaring me with how he was behaving. I didn't know what to do to stop what was going on. I called his Mother and told her about what was going on and she spoke to him. He convinced her that he was fine. He did that with everyone. I then called his dad and step mom out of desperation. I hoped that his dad would be able to get through to him. That phone call is my biggest regret. As soon as his dad answered the phone and heard my voice all I was able to get out is your son needs your help. He started on me saying what does he need now? He then went on to make all kinds of accusations about us spending all kinds of money and going to visit family members but never going to see them. I tried to explain things but they wouldn't listen to me. They just kept yelling at me and wouldn't stop. I finally had enough and reached my breaking point. I hung up the phone. Later that night we get a phone call from his sister. Both me and my husband picked up separate phones. His sister proceeded to ask him why did I call his dad and mom and yell at them. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I spoke up and said that is not what happened. She yelled at me to hang up the phone and that it was none of my business. My husband also told me to hang up. He hung up the phone. That started a nasty fight between his sister and me. I felt so betrayed. Me and his sister have always got along good. I couldn't understand why she wouldn't give me a chance to tell her what happened? She called me all kinds of nasty names and accused me of keeping him from seeing his family. The truth was that he didn't want to see them. He had bad memories growing up with his dad and step mom and step brothers. He did have a decent relationship with his Mother though. And his Mother and other sister live closer to us which made it possible for us to see them. Anyhow, that was over 2yrs ago. Back then I had to beg him to defend me with his sister and say something to her about the horrible things things called me and accused me of doing. When he finally talked to her it wasn't about what or how she treated me but all about the abuse he went through while growing up.
The problem I am having with my Husband is that he doesn't communicate with me. He hears what he wants to hear and then accuses me of just criticising him all of the time. He doesn't stand up for me unless I ask him to. When he does stand up for me he acts so nice to the person that hurt me. It makes me feel like I'm being stabbed in the back by him. We are now fighting constantly. I want to leave my marriage but I can't. He says I can do whatever I want to do. But, since I have been a sahm for so long and haven't had a job for a long time and to make matters worse my brain doesn't work the way it use to. I feel mentally and physically like an old woman. I don't function like I use to. The other thing is for all of my adult life all I have ever known was being with my husband. He has always financially supported me. We have had some good times together and he has supported me emotionally. But now all he does is act cruel to me and then the next day act like nothing happened. There's other issues that happened recently. His niece disrespected me horribly on fb. He talked to her briefly about it but again he trivialized it like it was no big deal. She hurt me deeply. I am at a point of where I just can't take anymore stress or sadness in my life. I am so tired and fighting so hard to not allow my mental illness to take complete hold of me and end me. He knows how I am feeling and doesn't act like he cares. I just don't know what to do anymore?

[Molinit]

The issues are so longstanding and so many that I have no advice on how to fix it. What I would advise is for you to see if you can have a consultation with a divorce attorney to see where would would stand financially if you left.

Also, you should probably consider updating or gaining skills to take into the job market, because whatever support you are legally entitled to will not cover all your expenses, especially since your husband is disabled and probably not making what he once made.

Have you considered taking a full-time job (since your youngest is a teen)? Perhaps being out of the house will keep you from getting overly involved in what's going on with him or what his family is doing or not doing.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Kathi: I'm so sorry you find yourself to be in such a difficult situation. I would have to say that it is my impression (sadly) your situation is similar to many sahm's who find themselves in abusive marriages. From what you wrote, it doesn't sound as though physical abuse has been an issue. But, from the sound of it, emotional abuse certainly has.

Of course, as I'm sure you realize, there's really nothing you can do about what has happened in the past. What's done is done. The question is where do you go from here? Again, based on what you wrote, it sounds as though your husband is probably not going to be interested in addressing his issues. Perhaps he doesn't even see that he has any. You can't make him change if he doesn't want to, or doesn't see that he needs to.

You wrote that you want to leave your marriage but can't. I do understand your circumstances. It really puts you between the proverbial rock & a hard place. And I don't know as I have any particularly useful suggestions for you either. I wish I did. My thinking is that perhaps, if you're not already doing so, you might want to see if you can find a therapist you could see... hopefully one who has some specialization in working with women in your situation. Such a professional could help you to figure out what you want to do & how to get there. I think you indicated you live in Louisiana. I don't know what kind of mental health resources are available to you where you live. If you live in a more urban area, your options may be greater. If you live in a more rural area, your options may be limited.

Did you know there is a national domestic abuse hotline? 1 (800) 799-7233

http://www.thehotline.org/

You might consider, if you can, calling these folks & talking with them regarding your situation. They're experts with regard to these kinds of situations. And they may have more to offer than we can here on PC, although we're certainly glad to offer whatever support we can.

I send hugs your way with the hope that you may be able to find a path through this most difficult situation.

I think that you and your husband really could benefit from marital counseling. It will help the two of you communicate more effectively and potentially repair the relationship. If I were you, I would make this a major priority and while I wouldn't give an ultimatum ... I would tell him I love him, that I want to work together to improve the relationship, and that a counselor can help do that.

I think you getting outside family involved exacerbates the problems you have in your marriage. I would discontinue this behavior immediately, let him know, and find a good marriage counselor.

In counseling, you may learn the marriage cannot be repaired and it may be in your best interest to obtain a divorce attorney. If one or both of you do not want to try to repair the relationship, I think you may want to think about the future of your children and yourself. Seeing a divorce attorney for a free, confidential consultation will help you learn what divorce would entail.

Best wishes, take care of yourself. Good luck.

[4mygrls4ever]

Thank y'all for replying to my very long post. I know that it had to be a hard post to read with how long it was. I realized when I was reading the replies that I didn't include some very important information. When I said I had some mental illness issues, I didn't say what it was or what it has caused me to go through. I have Bipolar. I get extremely depressed and can't function. I am on meds for it and do see a therapist. I have been in the hospital a couple times and have been in outpatient intensive group therapy. When I mentioned that I was getting help with my issues that is what I was referring to. I have been in therapy for a long time and have been working on my issues. It just seems everytime I take a step forward in getting better, I get slammed back down. My husband is also in therapy. He is diagnosed with ptsd along with his physical problems. He is in therapy and the VA hospital. We have also gone to marital counseling at the VA hospital. I decided to not continue to see the marriage counselor because I felt that she was directing most of her attn on my husband and the physical pain he's in all the time and it made me feel like she was taking sides. His side.
I also didn't elaborate on what I meant by my husband and I fighting really bad. It's behavior we both engaged in the past. We did get physically abusive with eachother in the past. I don't get that way anymore though. He hasn't physically hurt me anymore. But, I do know that he could if he got mad enough so I am careful not to let things get to that point. That sounds terrible I know. There's 2 reasons I am very careful not to let it get to that point. I don't want to get hurt, though I can handle it physically. I also don't want him to get hurt. He has bad back problems and bad Diabetes 2 problems. I don't want him to cause more issues for himself by getting hurt attacking me.
I am sorry for my posts bouncing all over the place. It's hard for me to stay focused on one thought at a time. I also tend to over explain things. It's a problem I have about wanting to make sure people understand exactly what I'm trying to say.
I really apreciate all of the input I received here. I don't know exactly where I'm going to go from here or what i'm going to do?