I wasn't sure whether to post this in self-esteem or relationships - both are relevant.

I have long since realised the source of much of my self doubt and anxieties were rooted in my upbringing. This sounds really harsh but although my mother was loving and caring, and I appreciate the loving home my parents gave me (many people are not so lucky), she fussed and 'micro managed' me throughout my young years. It was borne from concern and care but she was an anxious person herself and projected her worries and fears onto me. She gave me many negative messages about myself and my place in the world, and those stuck with me sadly - impacting on my self perception and self belief. The message was I wasn't up to the mark and bad things were likely to befall me.

Recently I started a new job where I work relatively short but busy shifts, the company gives me a 'goodwill' break - it's quite unusual, it's not a legal requirement. Sometimes we are so busy I don't get to take that break - I simply would not get through my work if I did. I related this to my parents, just casually in conversation and they both reacted very negatively. Not that they were concerned about me needing a break but that they insisted not taking my breaks would lead me into trouble with my colleagues. My mother actually told me "People will not like you if you don't take your breaks". I explained it was not a legal break so it was my choice but she insisted. This is a workplace neither of them have been in yet they both insisted they knew better than me! At least my father kindly said "You're a happy kind of person and I think most people would like you", no such mitigation from my mother.

Her reaction really hit a raw nerve, it was like rewind to my childhood, telling me if I did not behave in certain ways I would not make friends. I was a bullied kid and always believed it was my fault for being 'too soft', something she would tell me. She was always telling me where I was going wrong and here I am in my 40s, own home, married, grown up son of my own and she's still telling me where I'm going wrong.

I've had therapy and my T advised me to laugh it off as her being ridiculous (my T literally laughed at some of my mother stories), but my mother is such a forthright person I find it really hard to deal with. I do have a cordial relationship with her but can't really be relaxed and myself with her, I'm always on my guard.

The conclusion my T came to is that my desire to please my mother will never be realised because my mother is incapable of being pleased.

That said, why do I find this so hard to deal with? Why does her insistence my workmates won't like me send me spinning back 30 odd years? I just can't seem to crack this hold she has over me.

I think I just needed to write this down but if anyone has any similar experience then feedback would be welcome.

[Skeezyks]

Hello prefabsprout: 'Thanks for sharing this. I don't know as I have anything particularly useful to offer here. But I just thought I would say... I'm in my late 60's now. My parents are both long-since dead. But stuff that took place between them & me still echoes in my head! Personally, I don't think one ever gets past it completely.

Sounds like mine. It took me years to realize that everything she ever did for me or said to me was only to maintain some sort of control. She's a control freak to the nth degree. I thought she had my best interest, but I wish I could have saw what her agenda was sooner.

She cut me deeply, and I have scars that will probably never heal. I love and resent the hell out of her at the same time.

I stopped trying to please her years ago because nothing will ever be good enough either. I still get a sinister grin remembering all the times when she would spew this garbage about how my actions where a reflection of hers among her fellow church members. Pffft.

I hope you find a way to break that hold.

Originally Posted by The Green Manalishi

Sounds like mine. It took me years to realize that everything she ever did for me or said to me was only to maintain some sort of control. She's a control freak to the nth degree. I thought she had my best interest, but I wish I could have saw what her agenda was sooner.

She cut me deeply, and I have scars that will probably never heal. I love and resent the hell out of her at the same time.

I stopped trying to please her years ago because nothing will ever be good enough either. I still get a sinister grin remembering all the times when she would spew this garbage about how my actions where a reflection of hers among her fellow church members. Pffft.

I hope you find a way to break that hold.

Thanks, me too - I'm actually cross with myself more than her, because I can't seem to break away emotionally. My husband points out I need to let it slide off me - I can sometimes just not consistently.

Sorry you have similar issues, saying your actions being a reflection of hers sounds a very self absorbed/narcissistic thing to say, and very controlling. We are all our own person., no way should anyone ever put that burden onto you.

I have no idea why my mother needs to control others (she does it to my father and sister too) , I know there will be things in her background which have shaped her. I wish I knew the hows and whys she came to be like she is, if I did I feel it would be easier to have compassion and shrug off the criticism.

It took me a long time to figure out she did not always have my best interest at heart too. Other people in my life had pointed it out to me long before I finally realised it.

Mine is too old to change. Plus she never owns up to anything. She's an instigator, but always manages to come out as the victim.

I moved in with mine 4 years ago, after my divorce. It was only going to be temporary, but I'm still there because of her health issues...so I'm her caregiver. I can't afford to live on my own right now...so I feel like a prisoner.

I doubt your mother or mine will ever see the error of their ways. That's about all we can do is to let it slide, even though it's hard. We don't deserve that kind of criticism from our own mothers.

Don't let it get you down.

Originally Posted by The Green Manalishi

Mine is too old to change. Plus she never owns up to anything. She's an instigator, but always manages to come out as the victim.

I moved in with mine 4 years ago, after my divorce. It was only going to be temporary, but I'm still there because of her health issues...so I'm her caregiver. I can't afford to live on my own right now...so I feel like a prisoner.

I doubt your mother or mine will ever see the error of their ways. That's about all we can do is to let it slide, even though it's hard. We don't deserve that kind of criticism from our own mothers.

Don't let it get you down.

Yes, my mother is always the victim too and will never admit she is wrong.

Sorry to read you find yourself stuck in this live-in caregiver role, that must be difficult. I haven't lived with mine for almost 19 years, had a short break away with her last month and after 3 days was very grateful to back home.

You are right, my T said in no uncertain terms I had to reconcile myself to the fact my mother would never change. A few years after my therapy my mother ended up seeing the same T after a referral via her Dr - I often wonder what those sessions were like. Needless to say she did not finish the therapy and thought it pointless.

Thanks. Living here is not ideal, but I am thankful that I have a roof over my head and food to eat.

I give her money and manage things around the house, but her generosity comes at a price. It's "her" house.

She has never been supportive...which dumbfounds me since 2 of her sisters are mentally ill.

I think she gets off on pushing my buttons, and causing misery.

Of course she always claims that there is nothing wrong with her, and it was just in my mind. I know that's not true because my father told me not long before he passed that she was mean and said hurtful things to him.

Her brother is flying in from New York tonight - so at least he will keep her off my ***** for a week. Yeeeaaauuuh.

The only ones who can actually change are us. I think it's high-time we stop letting them bring us down to their level. What do you say?

Your mother is probably miserable, and she targets you. The next time she starts firing off, just remember the source.

[Rose76]

Originally Posted by prefabsprout;5279460,,

. . . . my mother was loving and caring . . . . . .

she fussed and 'micro managed' me throughout my young years. It was borne from concern and care . . . .

. . . . . My mother actually told me "People will not like you if you don't take your breaks."

. . . . . it was like rewind to my childhood, telling me if I did not behave in certain ways I would not make friends . . .

It's honorable that you respect your parents, but I think you are over-generous is your assessment of where your mom is coming from. These comments she makes are born of something other than "concern and care," and there is more going on in her mind than just anxiety for your success and welfare.

I can't guess from what you've shared here just what that is, but I suspect your mom is somewhat malevalent in her intentions, and I think you have trouble considering that possibility. Maybe someone undermined her self-esteem when she was growing up. Your mother sounds like kind of a sourpuss.

At this stage in your life, you've earned the right to contradict her, now and then. It wouldn't be wrong for you to say, "No, Mom, I don't think anyone is going to dislike me for not taking these breaks." I wouldn't elaborate on it more than that, or get drawn deeper into a back-and-forth. But it just might have a healthy effect on the atmosphere in the room for you to put it out there that her premise is challengable. She comes on a bit too sure of herself, when she doesn't even know what she's talking about. That's a subtle form of bullying, and she deserves a little shove-back, when she does that.