[cbova71]

Here's my scenario: My husband has anger management issues and quite frequently will yell at the kids, especially my 6-year-old son who has ADHD (even when medicated, my husband yells at him just because he feels like it or whatever, like if he is in a bad mood, anything my son does or says gets on my husband's nerves, so he ends up yelling at him). He also yells at my 7-year-old daughter who has learning disabilities and is very impulsive (not sure what to do about that, but that is just how she is, and I just have to watch her around the baby and continually remind her if she is being impulsive and to be aware of what she is doing). His yelling really stresses me out, not to mention what it is possibly doing to the kids' self-esteem, etc.

Anyway, my question is this: Does another person's anger display and yelling/raised voice stress anyone else out, or is it just me? He told me point blank last night that he doesn't think his yelling and anger should stress me out. I guess I'm just supposed to put up with it. I guess that's what he's trying to tell me. I don't know.... I just want to know if I'm overly sensitive, or if 4+ years of his anger and yelling are just getting to me as a normal reaction to that sort of behavior.

Well first of all this is chilld abuse and you need to take action to protect the children. This starts with getting yourself some support (church? counselor? therapist?). They can not only offer you emotional support but can be resourceful regarding measures you can take. ie. They can advise you on how to perhaps approach your spouse about seeking couples counseling or individual help. Even talking to your doctor will likely present you with some options. Whatever you do you need to help your children and yourself.

[cbova71]

Originally Posted by justafriend306

Well first of all this is chilld abuse and you need to take action to protect the children. This starts with getting yourself some support (church? counselor? therapist?). They can not only offer you emotional support but can be resourceful regarding measures you can take. ie. They can advise you on how to perhaps approach your spouse about seeking couples counseling or individual help. Even talking to your doctor will likely present you with some options. Whatever you do you need to help your children and yourself.

Thanks! That is exactly what I was thinking too. I have been seeing a counselor who does individual/family/couples counseling. I've got her number, the number for the local women's shelter, and the sheriff's office saved in my phone. I also have bags packed with a couple of days worth of clothes for myself and all the kids in an easy spot to grab and go. I plan to just go because I really need to get out so I can protect myself and my kids. Another thing he does is gaslighting. I have had gaslighting happen to me in a different relationship years ago, so I have been very conscious of exactly what I say and exactly what the situation is. I have even started writing down what was said, who said it, and what was happening at the time, in my journal. Thanks for confirming that I am not crazy, like he's trying to make me feel.

[AbsurdBlackBear]

Yelling and anger definitely stresses me out as well very much so. I don't think it something that should be taken lightly. As justafriend306 said, definitely it is an abusive situation, and the fact that afterwards he tries to make you feel bad about being stressed about it raises even more red flags about the abuse.

[cbova71]

Originally Posted by AbsurdBlackBear

Yelling and anger definitely stresses me out as well very much so. I don't think it something that should be taken lightly. As justafriend306 said, definitely it is an abusive situation, and the fact that afterwards he tries to make you feel bad about being stressed about it raises even more red flags about the abuse.

It just really bugs me that he gets so angry and then he can't understand the effect it has on others and how they react to it. Also, he is probably the most selfish person I have ever met in my entire life! The air conditioner has to be on 77 or he complains about it being too hot in the house (even the kids complain about being too cold, so I know it is not just me). He gets to choose what to watch on TV (if I pick something he doesn't want to watch, he acts like a child and gets up and walks away yelling about how he's NOT going to watch THAT - like a 2-year-old). He hogs the couch (I get about 1/2 of a cushion of space to scrunch up into - my back and legs are in constant pain because of it - and he gets the rest of the couch to lounge on because he "worked all day" - well so did I, so WHATEVER!!). Sorry.... Just had to vent. He's made sure I have no friends and no one to talk to about anything that's bothering me and he sure won't listen when I try to talk to him about stuff....

[Crazy Hitch]

Reality is, his yelling and anger is causing a lasting impact on your kids, and negatively too.

So yes, you have every right to be stressed!

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.

[healingme4me]

Yes, living under a roof with someone that yells at most everything and cannot control their own stressors is stressful. You're not alone feeling that way. Kids do pick up on this. It does affect them. And it does affect you, too.
If you've already established a safety plan, sounds like things have been progressing in the desire to leave?

[~Christina]

Abuse ! Please get help and away from him. You and your children deserve a safe home physically and emotionally. ❤️

I had a little anxiety reading this because that is what I grew up with...

I am so sorry you have to deal with this.

Please know that he is wrong and you are right.

[Bill3]

It just really bugs me that he gets so angry and then he can't understand the effect it has on others and how they react to it.

I bet that he can understand it but he chooses not to.

(((((cbova71)))))

[mugwort2]

You every right to be stressed and your kids too. Yelling , screaming at special needs children is a definite wrong thing to do. It sounds to me this is an extremely unhealthy relationship for you and your kids. Don't want to tell you what to do except to listen to your gut feelings about your rather disturbing situation. Gut feelings are usually right.

[MiddayNap]

Emotions are contagious. A laugh and a smile can spread like wildfire amongst friends who share a connection. Likewise, though perhaps not as pleasant, frustration and sorrow can spread amongst those who are close. Not only that, but he is threatening the mental well-being of your children, which is reason enough to feel stressed.
I do not know either of you, and I've only a bit of information to go on, but if I were to make a guess, it would be as follows:
1) He likely is extremely impatient and "blows up" when dealing with the children because, I assume, they require extreme patience. That would explain why they are the targets of his fury. Not to mention, it seems most people with anger issues are rather impatient.
2) He perhaps feels some sort of regret for his behavior, but attempts to convince himself he isn't doing any harm to anyone but himself. I would guess his line of thinking to be "Am I supposed to not feel angry? Why does it matter to you if I do-I'm the one who's angry!"
I would hope he is aware of the damage his outbursts could do to the children though...
I sincerely think seeing a therapist would help him, as (s)he could help him discover the root of his anger. Having anger issues makes life dreadful for the person affected and everyone around them.
Again, I don't know either of you, so this comment may be useless.

[glitterbutterfly]

I hate being yelled at. It's a trigger for me. It's a dangerous environment for your children and you. You deserve respect. I would suggest talking to a counsellor and finding out what steps need to be taken to ensure your family's safety is put first.