Jealous of my 15 year old cousin.

I don't know if it's wrong to feel this way. My 2nd cousin was born when I was 8. His parents are married and he was born into a traditional family, while mine was anything but ideal. When he was a baby my mother would take my toys and "donate" them to him without permission. My cousin (his mother) always tells me what a bad and horrible child I was, while all anyone ever does with him is praise him. I was shy and introverted, I always have been-which is just not acceptable, in contrast to how he is social and extroverted so he just pleases everyone. When I was his age, I was criticized all the time for being myself while everything he does is just so great.

I was telling my cousin (his mother) that I wanted to take an IQ test (the actual ones) because I was wondering what my score would be and she said "Oh I'm sure you aren't above average, and even if you were, it doesn't mean anything." I know that IQ tests don't measure intelligence and you don't need a high score to be smart, but since I lack in every other area and I do love math, I was wondering if it might be MY special thing. Then she said how silly it was for me to want a piece of paper telling me I'm smart. Really, because if E won an award in track everyone would be going crazy with praise and displaying HIS award and talking about it nonstop everywhere.

See my interests (the internet, math, advocating for mental illness) get judged and shot down, while his (sports, movies, and socializing) are praised everywhere. I just always felt like I was never appreciated for who I was but he gets everything, not just from his parents, but from everyone in the family and people outside of the family. His parents even compare me to him and that age, and basically the difference is that he does the things they like and agree with and I don't. When I was that age I was always told what an annoyance I was, but I get glared at if I politely ask him to lower his voice because I have a headache. If I ever said something smart to an adult someone would let me know it was wrong. When he does it they laugh.

I love him very much and I feel guilty for having this resentment. It's not that he doesn't deserve these things-it's the question of why couldn't I have them too? When I was 5, 11, 15, it was never the same. And it's going to get harder watching him grow up and seeing the differences. Even worse, today I happened to be thinking about it when he said something to me and when I answered I was sort of snappy with him. I apologized and I feel bad about it. I know it's not his fault and I don't harbor anger towards him,just the rest of my family.

Your pain is so very valid.

Nice. I would remember that answer forever.

Stop calculating your worth based on the formulas your family uses.


When you realize their opinions are about as valid and useful as that of a squirrel, you'll find and determine your own self worth.


Which in turn means you wont have any reason to be jealous of your cousin any longer.

Anna - you were saying that you couldn't get away with talking to "adults" the way your cousin does. If you were 8 when he was born and he's 15 now, then that would make you 22, at least. Don't you consider yourself to be an adult?

You can't ever have the childhood you wish you had. That's kind of a shame because I do believe you that something was missing in the childhood you had. But your childhood is over. It was what it was. Now the most important adult in your world is you.

Your past can be mourned, but not changed. Your future is yours to make what you will of it. If you think the adults in your family were non-supportive of you during your childhood, you can bet they will be even less so, now that you are no longer a kid. So don't revolve your hopes around getting pats on the head from any of them. Maybe you're a genius; maybe not. They really don't care. Figure out what you can do that will make you want to give yourself a pat on the back. If you can figure that out, praise from others will be right around the corner. Those others may not even be your family. But recognition feels good, and it doesn't have to only come from family. Some of the biggest achievers never got much credit from their parents.

When I was his age, and his mother was my age. I wasn't allowed to speak to her that way. He talks to me like crap and it's okay though, was my point. I'm not comparing me at age 23 to a 15 year old, I'm comparing me at 15. And I'm sure I will be able to when he's 23 too.

I wish getting over it was that easy, but I'm still partially stuck in childhood for other reasons, which is another story and more complicated.

Anna,
It bugs me so much when family members get into a habit of freely putting us down, comparing us to other family members, sizing up our abilities.

You're 22 now and I understand how pain from the past can creep in. But, how much longer are you going to allow yourself to be subject to their hurtful ways? You need to do your best to move in your own direction and create a kind of life you want. One step at a time.

The best thing we can do for ourselves is to STOP looking to our abusive families for the support and guidance we want. They can't give it. It doesn't matter if they give it to another person and that you should've got it from them. They won't change.

Instead, we can do our best to fill your lives up with the things we like, with supportive people who encourage us to explore our interests.

At about 22, I made my exit from family and extended family who were abusive and dysfunctional so I could create my own life. After awhile I got used to having a peaceful homelife, not having someone put me down, I stuck with my friends and created my own family and my own traditions for the holidays. There were a few bumps in the road, it was hard to make ends meet on my own but eventually I made out just fine.
Best of all I had a peaceful and self directed way of getting back to where I need to be because my abusers were no longer there to hold me down and confuse my day to day existence.

It's time to work on it. You can do it. One step at a time.

Big hugs, Anna!

Sincerely,
Lele

I don't completely relate to this - lucky me, I suppose. But it doesn't matter. I understand what you're going through, and I'm sorry. You have all my support, and the only advice I can give you is... stop comparing. You're amazing the way you are

Yes, you are an adult. What responsibilities do you have. You are capable of walking away from the situation and building your own life. You certainly don't need anyone to decide for you on what choices you make. Yes, this sounds realy cruel but you have it within your power to break free of this mess and put it behind you.

Thanks for clarifying. Now I better understand.

Where did I say anything was easy? Getting over the emotional hardships of childhood is probably the hardest thing there is to do. And probably no one ever does 100%.

I'ld like to tell you that, one of these days, your family will probably regret not appreciating you more for the unique person that you are. I don't think that is likely to happen though. That's why I say, if you want to feel valued, you might want to look for that elsewhere. These people will probably never change - is all I'm saying.

As soon as I can afford to I plan on doing that...I guess I just have to accept that I'm not going to have the family I want.