I've been thinking a lot about my ex lately.. When we broke up, he wanted to remain friends but it didn't really work out, so I haven't seen him in a long time. He's contacted me now and again to ask if we could meet, but I've turned him down..

There's also another person I once considered my best friend whom I walked away from when I realised she didn't really want to be around me anymore.. Ever since, I've been scared to death of running into her by accident.

I've now realised that in both these cases, I feel ashamed that these people left me/didn't want to be with me anymore!

My dad abandoned me when I was a kid, and I think that ever since, I've felt I have to do everything I possibly can to avoid being rejected again - because it hurt so much the first time..

My former therapist said that when children are abandoned by a parent, they're bound to think it's their fault - so, abandonment creates shame. I think shame is probably the hardest emotion to experience - feeling like you're bad and shouldn't exist..

Lately, I've started to understand it wasn't my fault that my dad abandoned me - it was about his own problems. And now I'm thinking maybe it's the same with other people?

Although I do know I made it impossible for my ex to stay with me.. But I couldn't have done anything differently - I did the best I could with what I knew then. I can forgive myself for not being perfect..

I think it's also how life is.. People come and go and it's not always about us.. So it's pointless to feel shame. Sad, yes - maybe even angry, but not shame.. I'm not a bad person because these people left.

That is true. We do the best with what life has given us, that includes the bad parenting we received.

Shame is not a good emotion. Neither is guilt. Ex-catholic saying this.

[healingme4me]

I like how you wrote, "people come and go and it's not always about us."

Unfortunately, for many, things happen to us in our childhood and it does create a sense of shame. And it's not something that can easily disappear. Coming to terms with shame, that's a large step. Seeing it for what it is, is a big deal.

The topic of shame had been a major point of discussion through my years online prior to even venturing into PC. Can be elusive to identify and address was where that last left off.

Thanks for this post. I needed to be reminded of the topic. Evoked a thought process in reading.

Originally Posted by healingme4me

I like how you wrote, "people come and go and it's not always about us."

Unfortunately, for many, things happen to us in our childhood and it does create a sense of shame. And it's not something that can easily disappear. Coming to terms with shame, that's a large step. Seeing it for what it is, is a big deal.

The topic of shame had been a major point of discussion through my years online prior to even venturing into PC. Can be elusive to identify and address was where that last left off.

Thanks for this post. I needed to be reminded of the topic. Evoked a thought process in reading.

NPD board for one place.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by ValentinaVVV

NPD board for one place.

Why there?

I mean I'm more of a depressive type. More likely to see me cry in private. Used to be a cutter as a teen and well I fit the Borderline Personality Style as opposed to disorder. I've a ton of empathy. I do know how to stand up for myself. If my words are biting, then that's the self defense technique. Probably affected by being an Aquarius. I've learned how to roll with the punches. Stopped taking things personally on a day to day basis, not that that doesn't stop me from taking things personally at times. I have a lot of melancholy moments. Gradiose, not close. I do better in support roles. I'd rather see others shine than myself. Hence the long ago, months long discussions about shame.

I am not suggesting you. You brought up shame and they were discussing it the other day on NPD board.

[Rose76]

You show real wisdom in what you say about how people come and go and that can be about what's going on in their lives. I've had to accept that myself. I tend to never break with anyone I've connected with, but I've had people drift out of my life. It can feel awkward to run into someone you considered a friend, who now doesn't bother with you. That happened to me recently. It's best to just hold your head up, smile and greet the person cordially. Afterward, it won't feel as bad as you think it's going to.

Being friends with an "ex" is something I don't think ever works out, or hardly ever. Ex-partners who have children together often do achieve a working friendship, as they need to collaborate with regard to the kids. In the absence of kids, it's kind of pointless, I think. One party is usually more hurt than the other. Then there may be a tendency to compare the relationships that each gets into, and that's not healthy. Also, future partners really don't like an ex hanging around in the wings. I never minded my boyfriend being in contact with his ex-wife. (They had three children together.) But he sure would not have liked me being in contact with some ex-boyfriend from my past. That, to me, makes perfect sense. I wouldn't do that. I think you are wise to turn down meeting up with your ex. It's not healthy for him to be trying to hang on to you in some capacity, or to be posing as a source of support to you, when the relationship ended in a way that left you hurt. You both need to move on.

Look at your experience with your ex-bff as a learning experience. You see now why it would have been better to have wound down the friendship in a less abrupt way. But you were hurt, so you ended it how you did.

It is harder to be the person left than the leaver. But being a "leaver" may say something about a person that isn't real admirable. Some people cultivate relationships to serve some short term purpose. Then, when that purpose is over, they drop you. I've been dropped a few times by people like that. I think it says more about them than it does about me. I try, now, to be more alert to why someone is being friendly with me and not see their interest in me as being on a higher plain than it deserves to be on.

I hope you do find new relationships with people whose regard for you is based on real warmth and affection. We all need that in our lives, and it can be tough to find.