[RoseOfSharon]

I question many of my thoughts and responses to people, generally assuming it is me with the problem...so would like some thoughts.

I have just been away for the weekend. On return, my wife said that she 'had to text me to get a reply from me'. Not strictly true, as I texted to say I had arrived, and would have texted each evening had she waited for me to do so.

I feel her statement indicates controlling behaviour on her part. While reasonable to expect an arrival text, should one force a reply text by texting? In my books, no. But I might just be being overly sensitive right now...

Plus mother behaves similarly...

Thank you, folks.

[t0rtureds0ul]

Is it not controlling of you, to expect her to accept txt messages from you on your terms when you dictate? Maybe she misses you, was worried, couldn't wait to hear from you, and hoped you would feel the same eagerness to contact her as she did you? Are you confusing controlling for enthusiastic?

[RoseOfSharon]

I was away on a course, not just socialising, and very busy physically and mentally from 9-6pm. Emotionally exhausted as well by the work, but still with every intention of texting her. I would not have let the day go without texting. No, certainly not unreasonable for her to look for a message. It was her comment that I found concerning, the 'had to'. No one should be manipulating anyone into texting.
Perhaps my response to your reply torturedsoul has clarified my own thoughts on this.

[TiredPilgrim]

I think it might indicate some impatience and possible manipulation on her part. Whether or not there is also a trust factor on her part that is or is not 'deserved' is something you will have to think about. I perceive the mention of 'had to text you to get a reply' as a form of manipulation, indicating any number of possible issues.

If my spouse were away, I would certainly expect a text from him at some point during or after 'work' when he felt he was physically and mentally prepared to do so. If I did get concerned and text him, it would likely be a matter of several hours after his 'day' was done and I would have sent a query text. It would have been phrased as a query about health or stress, not a 'prompt' or guilt trip attempt.

[Trippin2.0]

If my brother or bf takes too long to send an "I'm safe" text, yes I prompt them by texting first.


And yes I feel I have to, no its not because I'm manipulative or controlling.


Why then?

Because I worry, naturally. Add the fact that my brother has been in two motorcycle accidents and my bf sometimes drives home alone at 3am and both of them are easily distractible = forget to text me, and its no wonder I "have to" prompt them at times.


In other words I do it to decrease the amount of time I spend anxious.

[RoseOfSharon]

Thank you, TiredPilgrim. You heard me correctly, that it was the comment made once I was home that bothered me, not the text of enquiry received - which was indeed fully understandable.

[TiredPilgrim]

It may be her own anxiety that is getting the better of her, as trippin suggests. I don't get that feeling from your initial post, though. I get the feeling that she is attempting to 'prompt' or 'elicit' emotional responses that she expects, and within a certain time frame. Whether or not that is healthy is something for you to think about, balanced against what you know of your behavior and hers.

I think you sound like a fairly self aware person, and you seem to have a good grasp of what your potential faults/blind spots are. I would trust your 'instincts' or feelings about her behavior. If you feel like she is attempting to be manipulative or controlling, you might think about what there is in the relationship, if anything, that might have prompted this behavior. Or is it a long-running behavior you have always found a way to 'deal with'?

Sometimes in long-term relationships we get used to dealing with certain behaviors in certain ways, and it can be difficult to see when that is happening, and even more difficult to change it.

Trust your insights.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by RoseOfSharon

I question many of my thoughts and responses to people, generally assuming it is me with the problem...so would like some thoughts.

I have just been away for the weekend. On return, my wife said that she 'had to text me to get a reply from me'. Not strictly true, as I texted to say I had arrived, and would have texted each evening had she waited for me to do so.

I feel her statement indicates controlling behaviour on her part. While reasonable to expect an arrival text, should one force a reply text by texting? In my books, no. But I might just be being overly sensitive right now...

Plus mother behaves similarly...

Thank you, folks.

She is communicating to you that she feels like she's not being thought of. There is far too little evidence in your statement to jump to any conclusion that she is trying to control you. I feel your questioning this is more of a reflection of your aversion to being controlled and possibly that you've dealt with it in the past and are ever vigilant against having this happen again. Of course this is my perspective on very little information you've stated here but that's what I get out of it.

I don't think anything in what she's said is "forcing a reply" at all. She simply stated that she has to text you to get you to say something. She did not give any ultimatums here stating that you must text her x number of times at such and such time. Nothing in what you've said implies this at all. If you are leaving out other information that would illustrate her need to control you then it would help to share that but honestly from what you've said, no. I think you are reading into it too much.

[healingme4me]

It's hard to say based upon one expression which could be semantics in considering if it's controlling, manipulative or guilt inducing since it could be matter of a factual statement. It could be leaving out, (You must have been very busy or tired), I had to text to get a response.

Based upon the fact that your mom is/was controlling this could be hypervigilant of you. At the same time, if there's a pattern, a history with your wife of behavior, this statement could add up with other issues.

[RoseOfSharon]

Thank you, all. Yes, hypervigilant certainly. Yes, there have been other incidents, but none on a big scale. I think I can conclude that while there may be a warning bell, it is nothing major to get worked up about.