Is this selfish?

My husband and I have been having trouble with our marriage this year. We have had many many conversations and arguments this year and still find ourselves not resolving anything. One of my biggest issues is he is selfish and incapable of putting anyone's needs before his own.
This month I made a plan to quit smoking after 20 years. Everyone in my house knew the day. My husband decided to pick that day to discuss his feelings and displeasure about our marriage. I stood strong and didn't smoke. But I seriously thought about it.
So...was this incredibly selfish of him to bring up these issues on the day Im trying to accomplish something very hard? Or am I over reacting? Please be honest. I really want to know.
Thanks

Firstly, congrats on trying to give up the s after 20 years of smoking ... I'm not far behind you - my quit date is about 2 weeks away

On one hand, I want to say yes, how rude and inconsiderate.

On the other hand, is he a smoker? And the other thing is, you have stated that you have had many many conversation and arguments this year, so this wasn't a one off argument picked on the day.

Stress levels are overly high when we try quit, as is anxiety (I've quit in the past) and anything can act as a trigger.

I think you need to discuss a "cooling off" period for the next 3 days, which are the toughest, about not discussing marital issues.

If he did that by coincidence, it's eye rolling ironic. He may have been so blind to you and hardly even heard you say or noticed you were quitting smoking. You are assuming he had the ability to empathize that you were quitting smoking, so would be irritable, and he would have the tact to wait a while to give you stress.

My husband probably wouldn't have put all that thought together about me, either. Selfish? IDK, just not aware or empathic IMHO.

If he did it on purpose, knowing you were quitting, one would think he was trying to sabotage your success.

I have no idea if it was intentional nor will I make any assumptions for something that would not have any kind of resolution. Was it selfish? maybe in the sense that he was not being mindful of your situation and level of stress that day due to quitting.

Keep in mind also you mentioned that you've been having trouble in your marriage, which does imply that there is tension already. To expect someone that it seems you know isn't exactly thoughtful or sensitive in the first place to go out of their way to care about your needs isn't exactly realistic. I would guess that more than anything he is acting in a way that you probably already expected. As such, is it really productive to ruminate about how he wasn't sensitive when it's really just probably him being how he's been for quite some time?

You probably already know the answer to the question of whether it was out of spite, him doing this. I feel like you're asking for people to "nod" and agree with you on how he is, which is understandable but the real question is what are you both doing to reconcile the marriage problems?

Thank you. You cut through all the BS like a hot knife thru butter...and got to the very uncomfortable heart of the matter.
I thought about ur reply all day...thought about the incident between my husband and I several dozen times. Tried to consider it from all angles...then reread ur post and realized one incident doesn't matter.
What are we doing to reconsile our differences?? The answer is nothing I guess. We are at an impasse. And quite frankly...I'm done.
I held out a tiny hope that I could save our marriage. I've been carrying the dam thing myself for 20 years. So I clearly explained his behaviour that makes me unhappy. Things I refuse to tolerate any longer. The things.that he needs to start doing. And told him that these are things that NEED to happen for us to stay married.
Instead of him working to make an effort this is what I got.
1. First he tried to guilt and bully me into being more affectionate towards him. So I reiterated what I needed.
2. He then moped and pouted. Explained how sad he is that we are so diconected. So...I told him what I needed.
3. He then asked me if I was having an affair. (I never have) So...I explained that he still hasn't tried changing his behaviour and explained what I needed.
4. Now we are back to anger. He's now angry at me and saying hes tried everything and can't make me happy.
And I have explained that he's tried manipulating my feelings the last 6 months....no actually changing his behavior.
So what have I done to help our marriage??? Nothing. I've been fixing our marriage, fixing his problems for 20 years. I'm tired. If he isn't going to listen. Or try. Then maybe it isn't worth saving. It's never been a really great marriage. And if I'm being really really honest. I've only stayed the last 5 years for my kids.
So ur right...in the grand scheme of things...knowing my husband acted excactly as I expected him to...doesn't really matter.

It sounds selfish to me.

You know this man well by now. If you see selfishness as a hallmark of his personality, you are probably right. You probably could relate a long list of situations where he displayed self-centeredness. That's hard to put up with in a marriage.

As a former smoker, I say congratulations (!) for every part of your quitting journey that you accomplish. As for your husband's behavior, yes it's dumb, but I assume he's clueless about what it's like to give up smoking. You might start by telling him that quitting smoking is "monumentally aggravating" and please defer all conversations for at least a week. Other than that, "you've already had your last cigarrette," so stay strong.

Sorry for the late reply and thank you for all that you added here. No one can say whether or not it's worth trying to save the marriage or move on but I don't think that's exactly what you're expecting anyway. I will be honest and say that it sounds like you HAVE BEEN trying to save the marriage and doing what you can to verbalize things that you're asking of him, I don't know how long you've been doing that but you're doing your part at least for the most part. I dont' know how you contributed to the situation but usually it's both sides need/want/expect something. I'm going to assume he probably has verbalized some of what he wants but it does sound like he wants what he wants without any work or effort on his part. This speaks volumes.