[Blues066]

My girlfriend and I had been in a long term relationship for over 6 years, she decided she wasn't happy anymore and that we had grown apart over the years and she needed to work on herself, and we needed to be apart.

We had been talking some and communicating after the break up, talking about what could have caused us to grow apart, possibly 2nd chances...this and that...but suddenly yesterday she told me that she is done with women and it just doesn't work for her anymore.

Now I find out, she is talking to some guy that lives 4 hours away from her, she "likes" him as she says and his feeling is mutual for her, but she says she doesn't know where it is going to go. because she isn't ready for a relationship, she wants to work on her for, herself....she says...

First how does someone who has been a lesbian all their life, 32 yrs of their life, never been with a man, and has stood firm they had no interest in men, suddenly they are done with women, and wants to be with men?

Second, how do I wrap my mind around the fact that my ex is now wanting flip over to guys...I don't think she was talking to this guy before we broke up but I am not sure... if not we've only been broken up 2 months, and this is really quick for her to already like this guy or have a crush as she put it...

I'm just having a hard time getting a grip on it...I know I need to and move on its just hard.

[LeeeLeee]

Hearing her news is understandably shocking and all of your feelings and questions are valid. I bet it was like re-opening a wound that had maybe just started healing. You were together over 6 years - it's a long time. It is hard to heal in the beginning.

Unfortunately, reviewing all the details of her thought process will not likely amount to the most important thing at this stage which is YOUR HEALING. It's easy to get caught in that thinking/re-thinking/reviewing/ruminating "loop" as one therapist calls it. There is nothing we can do to bring them back and we need to let go.

What are some ways you've been coping with the breakup so far? Here are a few things that helped me.

Participating in the forum and chat: This forum is a wonderful place. So many resources to help you through and so MANY wonderful people. One helpful thing I'd like to recommend the article on Grief The 5 Stages of Grief & Loss | Psych Central

Therapy: If you're not in therapy, it might be helpful to find the right one.
There are many wonderful helpful people on YouTube.. Alan Robarge spoke directly to what I was going through and he generously has SO many videos on his channel.

No Contact: There is also a book called Getting Past your Breakup by Susan Elliott. She ALSO has a ton of videos on Youtube.

In the link I posted here, she talks about NO Contact. I can attest that truly going no contact with my ex is the thing that catapulted my healing. I took him OUT of my consciousness and I had no where to look but forward. It brought a lot of relief to truly let go - no just friends, no just facebook friends, no texting, no demanding answers, no needing closure, just NO MORE him in my consciousness.

Friends, Journal and being your own best friend: Typing my thoughts into a freeform word document journal on my computer took a lot of pressure off. At first it seemed like automatic writing, hardly made any sense, was poorly spelled and punctuated..I used it to get the grief OUT of my body. It's really hard to talk to friends about this because they might not be able to listen. It's a lot to ask of someone, I think but even the right friends have limits. I decided I would have fun with my friends and work through my grief with a therapist and with some self directed healing. One important thing I explored was self comforting, going to the spa, staying grounded and not demanding too much of myself for awhile. Be good to yourself.

I really hope you find some relief soon. It is hard but FEEL YOUR FEELINGS. Seek help when you need it.

If you would like to private message, please feel free.

Sincerely,
Lele

[eskielover]

Add to the breakup & the grief that you go through from that, sort of blows the theory that one is born that way & can't change & that it's not a choice that people make.

When our belief system is messed with on top of feeling the grief that is normal from a breakup where there has been a close emotional connection, it just seems to magnify the pain.

I'm sorry you are going through this pain. I think the suggestion of no contact is important because keeping contact alive only continues the pain. Sometimes the only closure we have is walking away from something that didn't work.

Though my experience was in a 33 year bad marriage, I know for me that walking away was the only thing I could do to keep my own sanity. The closure I got came from finally understanding what made the marriage bad which happened on my own completely away from him.

Life with relationships is always a challenge any time we open ourselves up to be vulnerable to another person there is always the chance for hurt. Sometimes all we can hold onto are the good memories & then continue on with our own life after we have successfully gone through the grief process & learned what we can from the relationship we had.

[PlannedObsolescence]

Is it so different than heterosexual male decides he is now into men? It happens all the time. People change. Maybe her biological clock is starting to really roar inside and she is very conflicted over having children.
While she is saying that she needs to work on herself, you should also being saying the same to her. Don't give her the satisfaction of knowing that you are grieving. Make her wonder.

[RoseOfSharon]

I have always - since puberty - known I was bisexual. Sadly, many people do not accept bisexuality exists. I felt pressure to simply be gay/lesbian. That is not, however, who I am.
I have no way of knowing whether your ex is bisexual as well, but for anyone bisexual the balance can shift.
The biological clock does indeed starts ticking (well, it didnt in my case).
CSA can also affect our sexuality.
I suspect you both have considerable healing journeys to make - and indeed these may best be made separately, without torturing yourself about ehat she is doing.
I wish you all the best with that.

The sexuality/ shift happens to hetero couples all the time. Makes sense it would happen with gay and lesbian couples, as well.

[fairydustgirl]

My father decided at 62 that he was gay...he and my mother had been married 40 years at that point. I don't know the why of people shifting their sexuality...he had been a serial cheater with women for years prior...I just know that it does happen. They separated for a number of years but found it was too expensive to divorce. now in their elder years they live in the same house again like brother and sister.
I think maybe if it's going to happen, it's way better to happen when you are a young person and both partners can move forward (albeit not without pain) in their lives.

I wish you the best.

[~Christina]

My husbands first marriage ended when after 18 years of marriage and 3 children. She decided she was a lesbian.

It was a huge blow to him, she said she always knew once she had kids she would only want to be with a woman.

Life can get so twisted and painful at times. I hope your able to move forward and find love again ❤️

[Inaccurate]

I would let her go and not contact her. Then I would let it go psychologically, no matter how hard it sounds. If she comes back to you after this experience then you will have to decide whether to take her back or not, but I wouldnt count on it.

"Let it go" = the wisest words when it comes to attraction/relationships.

Yes, it wont be easy, yes it will hurt, but time will heal this. Time heals everything.

[Blues066]

I am coming to grips with it so to speak, but I believe a lot of her reason for deciding she wants to be with a man, is all for the wrong reasons, not because it is the "right" thing for her, but pressure from her family, her family were always "ok" with us and everything, but they always would have preferred her to be with a man, they never acknowledged me as her girlfriend, I was her friend. They "accepted" her whomever she was with so to speak, and said they loved her, even if she was a lesbian, but they still preferred her to be with a man, and live the normal life, what they felt was normal, and have a normal life and give them a grand child like her brothers did. so I think she was feeling the pressure and has decided to conform to their wishes. She is the type that will not go against what they want or will not speak her mind to them she will just go along with it, I firmly believe she will see one day it was the wrong decision, maybe not, but I believe she will. It was her decision, now she has to live with it.