[brainy]

Sometimes relationships work, sometimes they don't. That's a reality.

But what I don't get and not trying to get is why at the first, or even a couple of first sign of problems, the advice is "leave him or her." I have a problem with that.

Now I'm not talking about abuse, not at all. Hey, the absolute first even hint of abuse I'm out! There is no thinking about it, no talking about it. NOTHING! I'M GONE!

But what if there is a misunderstanding, hey, even an outright argument? You know what? I'll make it better. What if there's complete silence on a partners part? What then? Does that necessarily indicate you should leave? Why? What if, after talking it over with your "best friend, who knows you like a book, and says "honey you gotta leave that alone." Would you?

What if, because you mentioned that your partner hasn't called you in such and such whatever time, you get the advice that you need to forget him or her because "child he (or she) don't sound they care. If THAT WAS ME, I WOULDN'T DO IT."" Would you? Should you? Should you do your relationship based on someone else's opinion based on what THEY would/could handle or do?

Sometimes I read online relationship so-called "advice" and for the most part I am appalled! Most everything is one size fits all.

For example, let's take the matter of texting. It's a known fact on these sites that, in the case of a man, if he doesn't text, say in a day, then it means, according to them, that he doesn't care or has lost interest. Now I'm not going to say that isn't true, yet is it true in all cases? Not really. Or if he gives a one word response, ok maybe a two word response it shows his lack of interest. Sooo, since that's so according to the "experts" many a relationships has fallen off or failed.

There are so many other examples that could be mentioned that is not allowing people to think for themselves thus handle their relationships according to the way the parties involved sees fit. As a matter of fact, and I'm gonna say it, right here on this site I've already been given advice based on "not me" or "I wouldn't do it" etc. So with that advice this is what I say: WHO CARES!!!?

I say do what YOU feel is best for you and your partner!

If not, you'll find yourself throwing him or her away as if they're disposable diapers!!

PUL-LEASE! THINK FOR YOURSELVES PEOPLE!!

I think it depends on the person and situation.. I do find it helpful to talk to someone I trust to get an outsider's perspective into my situation, but of course, I'm the one who makes the final decision on my life.

I know there are things I'd never put up with that others do, and vice versa.. Some things I know from previous experience to be so hurtful and painful that I wouldn't want to go through them again. I also know there are people who would not walk away if faced with the same things..

In my experience, people actually most often do what they want in the end no matter what advice they get.. That's not to say people shouldn't give the advice if it's asked for. And of course, people are going to be talking from their own personal experience and viewpoint, that's all they've got, and no one can know the person asking better than they know themselves and what they can and cannot handle..

I often say, 'Well, this is what it sounds like to me, and this is what I'd do, but of course, you need to make your own choices and do what feels best for you..' I also usually remind people that no matter what I or they might think someone else's behaviour means, they won't know for sure unless they ask the person in question.. Unless this person would lie, of course.

[Onward2wards]

Advice ranges from useful to terrible, depending on the situation. People can offer a new and useful perspective, and they can bring their own biases in or not know enough about a situation to give a proper reply. It is natural and potentially helpful to seek another opinion when we feel challenged by something, as long as we remember it is ADVICE and not something to follow blindly for whatever reason.

Thanks for bringing this up.

[brainy]

You're welcome! It was just something I feel strongly about.

[Cyllya]

I noticed from other forums where people post relationship concerns... Most posts about conflict or disagreement with another person tend to make the other person sound way worse than they actually are. (I think sometimes they'll make the person sound less bad, but that's less common.) It's not even that the poster is exaggerating or having a needlessly bad interpretation of the events they're describing. I guess it's just because we're getting information about just one small portion of this person's behavior. It seems weird to think that most nice well-adjusted non-harmful people would be verbally or emotionally abusive occasionally, but it seems to be true!

It took me a while to notice this phenomenon about forum posts, so I can understand why other posters so often advise dumping the person the OP is having a conflict with. To them, the other person sounds legitimately horrible.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by brainy

Sometimes relationships work, sometimes they don't. That's a reality.

But what I don't get and not trying to get is why at the first, or even a couple of first sign of problems, the advice is "leave him or her." I have a problem with that.

Now I'm not talking about abuse, not at all. Hey, the absolute first even hint of abuse I'm out! There is no thinking about it, no talking about it. NOTHING! I'M GONE!

But what if there is a misunderstanding, hey, even an outright argument? You know what? I'll make it better. What if there's complete silence on a partners part? What then? Does that necessarily indicate you should leave? Why? What if, after talking it over with your "best friend, who knows you like a book, and says "honey you gotta leave that alone." Would you?

What if, because you mentioned that your partner hasn't called you in such and such whatever time, you get the advice that you need to forget him or her because "child he (or she) don't sound they care. If THAT WAS ME, I WOULDN'T DO IT."" Would you? Should you? Should you do your relationship based on someone else's opinion based on what THEY would/could handle or do?

Sometimes I read online relationship so-called "advice" and for the most part I am appalled! Most everything is one size fits all.

For example, let's take the matter of texting. It's a known fact on these sites that, in the case of a man, if he doesn't text, say in a day, then it means, according to them, that he doesn't care or has lost interest. Now I'm not going to say that isn't true, yet is it true in all cases? Not really. Or if he gives a one word response, ok maybe a two word response it shows his lack of interest. Sooo, since that's so according to the "experts" many a relationships has fallen off or failed.

There are so many other examples that could be mentioned that is not allowing people to think for themselves thus handle their relationships according to the way the parties involved sees fit. As a matter of fact, and I'm gonna say it, right here on this site I've already been given advice based on "not me" or "I wouldn't do it" etc. So with that advice this is what I say: WHO CARES!!!?

I say do what YOU feel is best for you and your partner!

If not, you'll find yourself throwing him or her away as if they're disposable diapers!!

PUL-LEASE! THINK FOR YOURSELVES PEOPLE!!

Your post, especially your last comment, implies that people come to forums to get others to tell them what to do and then always or mostly follow that advice. People need other opinions and thoughts that help them to come to a more objective idea. In any forum online or in real life groups of people that you talk to there will be a number of them that have really good advice and others that are going to lead you astray if you follow their line of thinking

This is where critical thinking comes into play and the ability to discern when someone's opinions and values go against yours, or are somehow inappropriate for the situation at hand. Many factors here to consider, and ultimately following or ignoring advice from any source, online or IRL, you have to make the choice. If someone gives you advice, if it turns out badly the ONLY person that is going to be responsible for it is the one that made the choice to follow bad advice. So what you do always rests on your shoulders.

Now with the idea that there is so much advice out there that says to leave someone at the drop of a hat, due to any small matter that is difficult, I am of the opinion that the modern age we live in is that of the me society and everything is about the individual being happy, fulfilled and satisfied, it is one about quick gratification and self serving mentality and this shows at how easily people do jump to the idea of telling someone to move on so quickly and easily. It's sad really, there is very little advice in general out there that is about loving someone, self sacrifice and supporting another person. the longevity of marriages or lack thereof makes it apparent that we (as a whole, not saying there aren't exceptions) view marriages and partners as a means to make us happy and fulfilled and when that fails we easily drop everything and move on.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by Cyllya

I noticed from other forums where people post relationship concerns... Most posts about conflict or disagreement with another person tend to make the other person sound way worse than they actually are. (I think sometimes they'll make the person sound less bad, but that's less common.) It's not even that the poster is exaggerating or having a needlessly bad interpretation of the events they're describing. I guess it's just because we're getting information about just one small portion of this person's behavior. It seems weird to think that most nice well-adjusted non-harmful people would be verbally or emotionally abusive occasionally, but it seems to be true!

It took me a while to notice this phenomenon about forum posts, so I can understand why other posters so often advise dumping the person the OP is having a conflict with. To them, the other person sounds legitimately horrible.

Which is why I typically try to get a more objective response out of the OP. I never assume everything is entirely accurate but assume it is from the perspective of the one that may be acting as a victim. NOt that they don't feel like they are, they probably do, but without any other input about a situation you have to assume that there is something missing from the equation.

[seesaw]

I do often advise that people in certain situations leave their SO, but it's because the behavior of their SO sounds quite offensive to me and I think people shouldn't have to settle. I'm not talking about petty squabbles, but when their SO cheats on them or is verbally abusive or unsupportive...who really needs that? There are better people in the world.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by seesaw

I do often advise that people in certain situations leave their SO, but it's because the behavior of their SO sounds quite offensive to me and I think people shouldn't have to settle. I'm not talking about petty squabbles, but when their SO cheats on them or is verbally abusive or unsupportive...who really needs that? There are better people in the world.

I agree there are certain things that almost instantly I would say to leave, but some things, like cheating, it's hard for me to imagine forgiving. Also the context of what they are both doing about it, to reconcile, if both are willing, etc. Far too many factors. I don't easily say that but yeah at times I have and do.