I don't want a relationship with my mother

My mother left when I was 3. We would see her most weekends, a lot of the time she would be asleep or have her boyfriends over. She was always angry, probably because of the depression but it's hard to understand that as a child. She would call me fat, ***** about my father who I lived with and always fight violently with my sister who moved in with her. My older sister became a drug addict and prostitute before she died of a heroin overdose. My mother tricked me out of about $5000 that was left to me, wrote a suicide note whilst sitting next to me and took me with her to jail to visit a man who had beat the crap out of her, telling me he beat her because she wanted to spend more time with me.

All of these mistakes can be forgiven, but what cannot be forgiven to easily is that I have a life that's not bearable. I have bipolar II which I think is environmental as there's no known history of it in my family. I have disordered eating, I push everyone away, I'm obsessed with weight loss and I'm always secretly criticising others. My mother taught me to hate, to hate my father and family and just everyone. I try to control it but it always creeps back slowly. I'm also incapable of being in a relationship or initiating romance. My mother tried to crush my confidence and it worked. She made up lies saying my dad was a molester and it's stayed with me. I end up hating all of the men I've been with.

She's calmed down a lot over the years, maybe since her parents, who were not nice people, passed away. Also since my dad died. She's probably being well medicated, and her boyfriend has finally decided to stay for good. I've also grown up a lot and she's learned that she can't control me, so maybe giving up that power has calmed her.

My trouble now is that I don't want a relationship with her. Having her in my life has caused me a lot of pain and damage. She can no longer affect me but I still feel no affection toward her and I'm still angry at how difficult it is for me to function. Worse is that I hate her boyfriend who is very sleezy but at the same time I don't want them to break up.

I know if I cut off contact it would break her heart, anyway, what good reason do I have if I can't be further damaged by her?

Do you think I have a moral responsibility to continue a relationship with my mother? Is it possible that if I finally give up I could become the person I want to be? Am I just continuing a pattern of pushing people away like I have always done? Am I being selfish?

It's not like the movies where if the parent screws up, the kids yells at them and they stops talking for years. It's more like Shameless with Frank the alcoholic dad. Even though he's a terrible father, he's family so they never cut him off.

I think you should think of yourself, first.. because no one else will. If your mother is being/has been toxic and you don't want to have anything to do with her.. well, yeah, I'd say cut contacts. Especially because you mentioned she's doing just fine right now, so.. I don't see why you should feel guilty.

But this is just my opinion, and it must be YOUR choice - do whatever you think it's the best for yourself I'm really sorry that you had to put up with all of this... abusive parents can really destroy one person's life. Do what you think it's right, take care of yourself, and keep moving forward

You are under no obligation to keep in contact with your parents. It isn't selfish; it's self-preservation. My parents were toxic and I maintained minimal contact with them up until before my mother died of cancer.

So you don't that's all. You just don't. Mommas a big girl. She'll be just fine. Don't worry about it.
My mother was a cause of my being raped by one of my stepdads. She told me "hold still, he won't hurt you." What kind of **** was that?
So when she died I felt nothing as in NOTHING. Oh yeah I cried but had to get real.with myself because I knew it wasn't real. I don't miss her. As a matter of fact, I didn't go to the funeral. I went to the viewing but only because I felt it was expected of me. As I looked at her lifeless body I felt "bye *****."
But no more nice girl. **** it!
She died of alheimers. During my once in a blue moon visits I actually laughed, inwardly, in her ****ing face when she became disoriented at the nursing home. Oh well.

Regardless of what anyone else thinks, feels or says ... If you don't want to have a relationship with your female parental unit, then you don't have to have one with her ... I've had absolutely nothing to do with my toxic family of origin in over 20 years ... It wasn't an easy choice to make, but it's most definitely been the best thing I ever did for my own physical and emotional well-being!

Sincerely,
Pfrog!

Simply, no you have no obligation.
I do wonder when you say there is no history of MI in the family, and then describe your mother's behavior...
Is there an adult/carer in your life that you can trust, can talk with?
If your mother's heart is broken, it will not be your fault...
and you never know what time will bring.
Do what is best for you, what nourishes you as a person, and the rest will take its own place. Easier said than done, but true.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs for all your losses...)))))))))))))))))))))))))

I've often thought the same thing and I've asked her, but my mothers description seems to fit more with borderline personality disorder and deperession, which my sister was diagnosed with. Also whatever meds my mum is on now is working. If she were bipolar, they wouldn't be enough to treat her, maybe make her mildly numb which was my experience.

The actual diagnosis may not be important, but there are psychiatric/emotional issues that get in the way of making good choices/building healthy relationships. When it comes to medication, each person responds individually, effects/response differ, and many of the medications used are used for multiple reasons, we often don't even know why something works, or does not. The field of matching medications to genetics is a new and interesting one. (eg: HepC: a genetic test can tell which, if any, medication you are likely to respond to----& each person is unique...)