Spouse jealous of opposite sex friendship

The link to the study was requested....I didn't just post it. Then I was even scolded for not posting every single detail of the article, like I should have posted the entire article as well as the finding of several other studies. Our sexual thought and behavior do change as we age (in most cases, not ALL cases....I have to say that otherwise someone will claim I said ALL) im sorry you found the study completely invalid to your situation. I was trying to be helpful. I'm on your side here....no matter how you decide to handle the situation. You also have the option of telling your husband your a big girl who chooses her own friends and will not be controlled by any man, women or child. Let him be the one figuring out what he should do. He won't get many people to agree he should be allowed to choose your friends so he might come to his senses pretty quick.

I'm also sorry I continued with the debate....I just read your request after I posted my replies. I do think my replies were made in the honest effort to avoid misinformation from spreading, part of the natural progression of the topic and were relevant to the topic being discussed. I think people were reacting and feeling I was defending your husband. I wasn't, but I was showing that your husband is not alone or unique is seeing things as he does. I've heard this same story, time and time again. I've actually known men who end up sleeping with their female friends and women who slept with male friends. This doesn't mean we get to choose the friends of people we love. This doesn't mean EVERY person does this and should not be trusted. It just means some people will have a harder time trusting by having this knowledge and acceptance of human nature. It's an insecurity but it's not always unfounded.

That's okay Elsa, I understand you meant to be helpful but I do dispute that study to be proven fact, it was flawed as Red Panda pointed out and not relevant to my demography therefore I don't find it useful.

I do understand that some people (like my husband) will be suspicious of their spouses opposite gender friendships, and I do understand the jealousy and worry he experiences is very real to him even if unfounded. Perhaps I did not explain that well originally.

I have very much appreciated the helpful suggestions, particularly from male perspective, on how best to communicate with my husband. I think we have a challenge in this differing opinion, but not an insurmountable one.

The last sentence of your post makes me very happy. I love happy endings and hope you and your husband have one in this situation. (((Hugs)))

Prefab, I'm sorry your thread turned into a mess.

I hope your able to figure out what will work best for you, husband, and friend.

❤️

it's funny in reading through this, it is now just "...that men think more about sex than women do..." when that was not even the argument originally attempted to be backed by the article. I believe it was more along the lines of supporting the ideas that men think of sex all the time, that they are driven by sex and to be honest what I got out of the whole of things is that men are for the most part incapable of platonic relationships with women (summing up everything in many posts) because our "male parts" think for us and motivate anything related to females that we do.

I find it very anxiety inducing to try to second guess what is going on in others heads.

I can't rule out that despite his mild exterior f is thinking about sex, or who he is thinking about it with, actually I don't even think that's any of my business. None of us knows what others are thinking though, only what they choose to share.

I have a tendency to fret about friendships (with both sexes) as it is, I have to override nagging doubts and worries - for the most part of it I'm doing better than I was. I don't think it's helpful for me to overanalyse things.

Every doctor, friend and even stranger I've met has said "you think too much and that is part of your problem". They have a point but I just can't help it. I analyze everything to death. I'm sorry you are confused and hope you can find a way to just enjoy yourself without worrying about what others are thinking (((hugs)))

Well, your husband is clearly attracted to you and loved you enough to marry you, have a family with you and planned on being in it for the long hall. You know your husband most definitely was attracted to you and wanted to have sex with you too. You were IT for him, so it isn't unreasonable for him to be worried this "male friend" is attracted to you too.

It's not horrific or bad when a man is a bit possessive with his wife or may be concerned this other man is attracted to you, even if you don't feel that way yourself. And that one time he said maybe he should leave you and you can go with F, that was probably a question and him wondering if you were unhappy somehow with him. That means he needs reassuance.

First of all, my apologies to the OP, but I need to clarify something since my post was quoted.

I posted the article, because one poster tried to say that both men and women think about sex the same, as a conclusion from reading the first article. This isn't true in the slightest. However, having said this, this initial impulse of sexual thoughts when seeing a woman doesn't mean you cannot be a friend with a woman, as being a friend with a woman doesn't mean there are no sexual thoughts. Why do you think men approach women? and why men mostly make the first move? You can say many things, but I think sex is a huge part of it, even if you don't realize it (or give it other higher level names), because our brain operates in the subconscious level even when we are not actually thinking about sex.

The question is: can the relationship continue as a friendship if there are sexual thoughts? If you bothered and read the article I mentioned, it says (based on studies, although it's intuitive from our daily experiences) that the amount of sexual activity of the male is largely limited by women's consent, which implies that they are almost always ready to go if a permission is granted. Another poster mentioned that many of her male friends tried to sleep with her. Is this a platonic friendship? Is this typical or not?

I was just trying to present a male's perspective, in a female dominated discussion in this thread. I don't think a woman can understand how the male's brain functions regarding sex. If you are a male, then you are in a denial in how a male's brain functions for the sake of idealistic way of thinking. Remember recognizing the underlying impulses doesn't mean opposite-sex relationship isn't possible, but boundaries are needed in my opinion to keep things in the friendship category. One-to-one meeting with a male friend is potentially threatening to the husband, that's why I think he is being protective and jealous. He knows how the male's brain functions, because he is a male. Some people choose to ignore these feelings, others cannot do that.

To the OP,

I know others have said it, but your husband sounds very controlling. If a man, any man, husband, bf, brother, father, whomever, told me I couldn't be friends with someone for any reason, I would tell them that I make my own decisions and will befriend whom I choose. I thought marriages were supposed to be partnerships of equals, not dictatorships where one spouse is subordinate to another.

I think couples counseling would make sense for you and your husband. He doesn't like to let you have your own opinion (won't agree to disagree, you've said), won't let you have your own friends...is there any part of your life that he lets you make decisions about?

I'm really just baffled.

Good luck,
Seesaw

In a perfect world all marriages would be all those things but if you live long enough you tend to see many marriages have various degrees of dysfunction while still remaining better than your average marriage. It's an odd fact. I respect anyone who wouldn't tollerate it and support anyone who would.

Thanks for this thoughtful reply Open Eyes, h really threw me with the remark about my going to f, I told him it would be as strange as me suddenly turning up on any of my female friends doorsteps to move in.

I take your point on reassurance, I do kiss him and tell him I love him at random moments which he responds positively to, if you have any other suggestions in how I might reassure him then I'd appreciate any hints or tips.

(Btw for the record I am for the time being seeing f only with other friends as h requested)

Thanks LonelyW, I appreciate you clarifying.

I mentioned earlier in the thread I am aware that f has sexual thoughts in that I have picked up on him checking out attractive women when we are out and about, that in itself I find reassuring (that he is not so focused on me that he doesn't notice women!). H knows we have had boundary discussions, and actually I think I'm pretty watertight there, f and I were always aware that there were extra considerations - so like I said earlier, no hugs, no intimate talks.

I get that h is viewing this as a potential threat, ideally I'd like to reassure him and keep my friend, I'm hoping that the chaperone idea will help although as I explained it is often difficult for everyone to coordinate together.

I would like couples counselling but there is no way h would agree.

I did have counselling myself a few years back and would like to clarify that the failure to agree to disagree was largely resolved with help from my T back then. My T encouraged me to call him out on a number of behaviours, and he did respond and change attitude.

It's so hard to sum up a 20 odd year relationship in a thread, and maybe my focussing on the problems has made things sound worse than they are. For sure all that I've written here is fact but he is also a kind, supportive, generous, dependable and considerate husband and father. The jealousy he is feeling is something I can see he is struggling to control, it must be horrible to feel like that.

I don't personally feel losing my friend will help this long term, but I do think by seeing my friend less and with other people present may be the way to help. My gut tells me if f is a true friend (& I believe he is) he won't mind.

Well, sometimes a person can get uneasy on such a deep almost primal level that it can catch one offguard. It could very well be that your husband doesn't like this F and is uncomfortable with him. Men are very territorial on a very instinctual level and that's just how we are as human beings. I am sure that you have come across people that you just don't like and prefer not to be around them. This is probably what your husband feels about this f person and why he does'nt want you alone with him. I think your husband requests that you spend less time with F not because he is controlling you so much as he is controlling how much F gets to be around you. I think it's his way of marking his territory that is a very basic animal instinct.

Wow, lots of view points and obviously we can never all agree.

I suppose I am sour on this owing from personal experience. My ex had plenty of female friends. It was obvious he allowed some of these friendships to grow into something more than mere acquaintanceships. I believe the line was crossed when he turned to them as confidants. That is something I believed reserved only for the main relationship.

How do you feel when you are unable to communicate with this friend - especially for extended periods of time? Do you feel a sense of urgency to talk to him when things happen in your life? DO you feel euphoria or elation when you do so. Now, how do you feel about these things regarding your partner? Your female friends? Does the prospect of ending this relationship give you a sensation of grief?

Finally, your partner should be the number one in your life. I truly feel that you ought to respect his concerns and take a break from this relationship.

Thanks Open Eyes, yes I think it is primal with him. I'm not sure if he doesn't like or does like F as he has said both things at different times and switches between.

If you don't mind me saying, that is out of line - you are telling me a person you never met, to take a break from a friend. Not suggesting, but telling. That is not in PC guidelines. Maybe take a moment and think how you might feel if you posted about a personal situation and someone on here told you what you should do.

I have already answered your questions btw, they are mostly the same as earlier.

Btw my husband is and always has been number 1 in my life (and he knows this) - remember you do not know us and all we have been through together these last 20 years.

I'm truly sorry if your ex sneaked behind your back and told his friends personal things that he shouldn't have, that is not okay, but projecting this onto me isn't okay either.

I think justafrirnd said that she "truly feels" you ought to stop this relationship. It is just how she feels. I didn't see her saying you should do something, just how she feels.

It came across very instructive to me. I don't see how she can truly feel anything about someone she is responding to on a thread.

I thought it was no different if people post about their situation and ask what people think they should do. And people respond saying "they think"you should do this or that. "I feel" you should do this or that might not mean true deep feeling but just something person "feels" about the situation. Now I am not you. So if you are upset then your feelings are valid. I just don't see how total strangers could instruct you. They could only express their opinions. I thought thats what people did. It's just a variety of opinions. People often express their opinions based on their own life. They don't know you. You will do what you feel or think is right.

It was the tone of the whole post, questions she had already asked and I had already answered being asked again, did she not believe me the first time? Telling me my partner should be number 1 when I had already stated he was, an implication that he wasn't number 1 if I didn't give up a perfectly platonic friendship.

As for the purpose of this forum I believe it is to support, and if necessary inform (if people require further help from 3rd party professionals where to find those). It's not to advise because we are not qualified to give advice, we are not professionals and even if we were this is not an advice setting. She is not alone, I have seen other threads where people have done the same, I even had one well meaning person on another thread telling me she thought I should leave my husband, over something different. It's not appropriate or helpful in my opinion. People do not know the full situation.

To finish on a positive note what I do find helpful are those who have suggested various approaches to discussion with my h, and those who have explored why he feels as he does.

I think people are going to have all sorts of suggestions, some that you won't like. Just remember you can take or leave whatever advice or opinions you want. Remember that we do not know you personally or know the whole situation, so you can only know what will work best for you.

Gosh, I just wish to point out I clarified my position from the onset that I knew it would be controversial. I also clearly indicated my tone and viewpoint stemmed from personal experience. That this wouldn't be everyone else's experience I thought would be self explanatory.

The point of a forum is to exchange thoughts, ideas, and suggestions. It is the nature of a forum then that people have opposing opinions. Disagreement is going to happen.

At the risk of encurring further wrath here I think it neccesry to raise the following point. If we make a post looking for answers we must be prepared for those we are not going to want to hear. I think that comes with the territory. Whay ask something in the first place if all you want to hear is agreement?

When someone does offer critisism or alternate viewpaoint that is not being rude, it is actully ensuring the discussion remains healthy and real.

Yes, I was critical, but constructive criticism is what makes and propels honest discourse. To trounce upon differing opinions, to infer they should be disallowed is actually contrary to democracy.