Spouse jealous of opposite sex friendship

Thanks for being honest. I don't go out of my way to cultivate friendships with men, but the male friend I am talking of is very non-threatening and brotherly, he is also very supportive of my family life and actually likes my husband a lot. He is mindful of the fact we are opposite gender and is always very respectful of boundaries (we do not discuss sex or my marriage).

If you'd care to share what is it that makes you feel threatened by your bf's acquaintances? Is it their behaviour? His behaviour? Is it your own self-belief? Have you been cheated on before?

I suspect with my h his self-belief is not as sturdy as he thinks it is, he has said often he believes I'm more attractive than him, and when we first got together he was preoccupied that I would break his heart. He hasn't to my knowledge been cheated on, but he did cheat on his ex several times. All of these things I believe have added to his perspective.

Considering what you've just said about your friend, he sounds like a good friend and I think in all honesty your husband needs to be called on his insecurities. For example if he is jealous, kindly and without accusation, ask him what it is that your friend does that makes him feel jealous? If he fears you cheating ask him in what way (again do not confrontational) have you and/or your friend made him think that your relationship is anything more than platonic? Communication is the best way. Be approachable about it and by asking these questions it may force him to think about his insecurities and you may be given the opportunity to better show him and explain those things you just pointed out here.

I know that you may say you've tried this but, I would ask this question then, have you considered how you communicated? Was it in anger, disgust at his insecurity, was it begrudgingly.. Perhaps having a conversation about your friend when the heat is NOT on... as in, in times when things are best between you and your husband.

I dunno if I'm helping but just some ideas.

Oh I am not spending all my time with my family or husband.

I was talking about myself being busy and not having much free time, with little free time that I have seeing a male friend every few weeks would be too much. We only have every other weekend off, so if we spend it with our opposite sex friends we would have no time for each other and household chores and kids and other friends and hobbies etc if I only have free time every other weekend, seeing male friend wouldn't be my priority. If he was a priority I'd better off maybe marry him. Just my thought

But I was talking about myself. You might have more time. I am currently very busy

Thanks for clarification, I can understand that if you have extremely limited time it must affect your social life.

I don't think I said my male friend was a priority though? Several times I have cancelled on him in busy times because I felt I needed time with my husband, and he has always been absolutely okay with that.

Both I and my h are very fortunate to have time, he is retired on good pension, I am part time paid work & volunteer, mortgage is paid off. So normally have a fair amount of time with each other, more than most couples I would imagine.

I don't personally think it's 'weird' to see my friend every few weeks (not that I do these days) for catch ups, f sees other friends same or higher frequency. I think that is a lifestyle preference but not weird IMO.

Thanks for these suggestions s4nd, I really appreciate your input.

I need to not react emotionally to conflict with h, and hands up in the air - I do tend to. I am not generally an over emotional person either but there is something about conflict with h that upsets me deeply. You are right I need to stay calm.

Things are good between me and h on the whole right now, and maybe when we have some proper relaxed time together I can try to discuss calmly and explore his feelings. When things are going good I tend not to want to rock the boat but maybe I need to ease up on my cautious nature and be brave.

H really does not like talking about his feelings however, he even finds it difficult to accept when I tell him positive things about himself and why I love him. He is a stiff upper lip/button it up kind of guy (with an explosion every now and then).

You clearly love the man. Very apparent in how you make provision even for his weaknesses. To me that says a lot about the reason that you probably are both together still and possibly the reason you even put up with anything. I say his as it's nice to see genuine commitment and caring for a spouse here or anywhere on the internet nowadays... but anyway I digress.

Thing is I completely understand how you don't typically like to "rock the boat" when things are good, and I think that's pretty much a tendency many of us have. After all the truth of the matter is, it's easier to be reactive and just address things in the heat of the moment rather than actually think about those things when it's not shoved in our faces. But bottom line, the best thing for any relationships of any kind is forcing ourselves to think about and talk about things that are issues when we are the most clear headed and least emotional.

I believe with all my heart that 90% of conflicts and issues in marriages and relationships repeat themselves because of this brushing things under the rug. We want to enjoy the peace rather than do any work. I'm no better than you, and only can say all of this because as a third party observer it's much easier to see objectively

I encourage you to communicate with him and I pray that you will have the courage and strength to approach it objectively and calmly.

Good luck if you do!

One thing must be kept in mind is that men and women approach things differently, especially when it's about the opposite sex. The important question you need to ask yourself is: are you willing to jeopardize your marriage because of this "friendship"? I think opposite-sex friendship is a complicated topic. You always hear how opposite-sex friends (especially from the male side) try to get out of the "friend-zone". It's difficult not to develop emotions when things get very personal (again especially from the male side). At the end, what matters in this issue is not what I or others think, but what your husband thinks, because your marriage depends on you and him only, and you (and him) only will suffer the consequences.

Yes, many males friends I have known have wanted to sleep with me.

How many have I slept with?

None. Because they are my FRIENDS.

I have remained friends with people I have dated, but I have never slept with a man who I wanted only as a friend.

Thank you for your support and kindness s4nd, I very much agree about brushing things under the rug causing future conflicts.

Thanks, I appreciate your input, but my friend (no inverted commas) has shown no desire to be out of the friendzone with me he has however spoken of females he has feelings for other than me.

Yes you are right it is only about us and my husband and I need to talk rationally and calmly through this, I don't share your pessimism that there are consequences to be suffered however, I am optimistic that we may come through this challenge with positive results.

Why the quotes around friendship? You're assuming, that because the friendship involves a man and a woman that it cannot be just a friendship which to me, is rather simplistic and presumptuous. Fact of the matter is there are males and whether or not you want to admit it, females that do inappropriately try to get into relationships with married people. Yes, they are out there, and yes some of them begin as friendships but in no way can one assume that in most or even many of them that this is the case.

Do you ever wonder why you "always hear" about these cases? do you ever ask yourself why that is, especially on a forum that isn't about how great our relationships are but one that is about people that are having troubles with them. This forum by it's very nature isn't saturated with people's posts about how great their husband, boyfriend, family member, or friend is so great and how it's all so problem free. You're on a forum for solving issues, naturally the negative stories are there. Plus on top of that 99% of people that have normal friendships or relationships don't get on forums to talk about how normal things are. We get on forums, on blogs, or even in real life and talk, ask and discuss the problems in life more loudly than the norms. Because that is human nature. You don't hear about the normal friendships between males and females because frankly, normal, positive and good things bore us.

In no way is this a reflection of the fact that it is NORMAL for a friend of the opposite sex to try to get us to cheat with them.

No, actually it's not. personal and close relationships do not automatically involve either side or both wanting to get into the pants of the other or become romantically or sexually involved. It is a matter of choice and I hate it when it is assumed or implied that we have no control over who and when we are romantically involved with someone. It's called self control, and having an intact moral compass.

I also notice the bias here. the fact that the idea that repeatedly it's mentioned that more often than not it's from the "male side" I call bs on this. Males are no less capable of controlling themselves than females and although males are more carnal about sex than females are emotional about it, we are not mindless drones that are driven by the lower regions in our bodies.

Are there some guys like this? yes. again, I will say, we hear about them because the nice guys that don't do this aren't being talked about on forums because they (we) are just being the decent men that we are expected to be.

In which way did I miss any of this? I don't remember even covering those topics let alone arguing to the contrary. I already stated it was more common in youth and would naturally decline with testosterone dropping as a person ages.

For a typical male in their sexual prime (this goes for women too). Based on statistic alone, the more people of the opposite sex you encounter and spend time with in a day, will increase your chances drastically of having sexual thoughts of someone other than your partner. For some men this will be lower, and for some it will be higher.

You originally argued that typical men think of sex constantly and that it is scientifically proven fact and then you provided that link. Red panda analyzes that said link isn't proof of anything discussed on this thread. I think she did an excellent job explaining. You did later admit that it might be true only about very young males (college age is 18-22) and you later stated that you might be wrong on the whole thing. I don't know what you mean in your response to red panda but she is right on target here

I meant to say if something happens out of this (God forbid), only you and your husband (and son) will suffer (I'm not sure even this conveys what I want to say, since English is not my native language).

We can agree and disagree on many things regarding opposite-sex friendships as an abstract topic, but I think for this particular instance, only the husband's feelings (beside yours) count. What others think of opposite-sex freindships in general, and how others' husbands deal with a simialr situation, is irrelevant. You can take the inputs from here and try with your husband rationally, and hopefully he will internalize the situation and be convinced of the way you see things.

Good luck

You're correct: you did not cover those topics. But the article you linked to support your own claims did.

someone had asked you for scientific evidence to back up your claims. You provided one study. And you ignored the majority (not all) of the article (which is called cherry picking).

I decided to point out all the information that you had left out as not everyone will read the article, as I felt it could be damaging to the OP or others to believe that the article supported your claims in previous posts. So I opted to demonstrate how the article actually points much more towards "there isn't that much difference between people that we could find out" than otherwise.

The last thing anyone here needs to hear is "science says men think about sex all the time!" When science does not say that.

I have male friends on FB. I met them without their partners or spouses. I have made it a point to become friendly with the wives and GFs. So they can learn to know me and trust me.

I have never slept with these men. I grew up with 2 brothers and have 2 sons. Since I was young, I have always had a lot of male friends even some best friends.

A lot of my male friends and I share a very nice, open intimate friendship. The men are happy to hear a woman's point of view. And I am happy to hear their's.

I didn't think I was required to cover all points of the article or write a college dissertation on the topic. I did not cherry pick from my perspective but appreciate that you see it this way. None of the extra points you made even remotely invalidated the actual contextual meaning of what I've written or the opinion I presented. It's possible we are getting our wires crossed here cause I'm just not getting it. I may be dense, I concede to that.

Look, perhaps I'm a seedy, Pervy little Jezebel here but I've found myself attracted to people other than my husband. Haven't acted on or indulged in the thoughts but they have been there. All of my female lady friends over the years have too....and they aren't perverts. Im just saying it happens...and from the responses on this threat I think it happens more than people realize.

I did only post the one study. It gave reference to more but you will see the one I posted had better controls than previous studies. I was satisfied with the study in that it seemed unbiased and intelligently executed. Is it all there is to say on the subject, no. Is it more evidence than a 1 person study or a thread on PC, probably.

All the points you made regarding the article are accurate except saying I missed them or failed to point them out. I didn't miss them, I just failed to see their relevance and still do.

The study I showed is scientific proof in a way. You of course need to analyze the controls used in the study to see if you feel confident and some people won't. Studies can be poorly conducted but usually they provide insight into these social science issues. They are our only real way to obtain facts on such subjects. The good thing about facts is, they are true whether or not you believe in them. I'm not saying it's perfect, but it is evidence. "Proof" might be a strong word...Evidence would have been better but we are splitting hairs. I still think my posts are misunderstood. I'm being as clear as I'm able and see my points very clearly from my side of the clean. They seem accurate and I still don't see how I made any claim to the contrary on any of the points Red Panda made. Words are being put in my mouth. I said it was more prevalent in younger males in a post long before posting that article....seems that is being forgotten.

Also, I could have used a different word than constant, though the study does show a constant pattern. Constant can be once a day, once a week....anything which repeats consistently....but again, we are splitting hairs and I bet nobody cares for the English lesson.

Actually the study under discussion says clearly that men think more about sex than women do. This is also another article that indicates the same thing. Our brains are wired differently, because our investments in having sex, from an evolutionary point of view, are different.

Okay OP here. I know the people who posted links to articles and studies are trying to be helpful but these are small scale studies of a different demograph to mine. I am an individual as we all are and for the record I don't think about sex often, I am not in the first flush of youth. A study of college students isn't relevant, my son is that age, how he interacts is completely different to this old fogey and her old fogey friends. Who I am is a complex mix of my experience and genetics, we are individuals and far more than study statistics.

Thanks to the people who have read what I have written and responded to me as an individual, that has been helpful.

I am kindly asking that posters do not go off topic and turn this into a debate, there are plenty of other online forums where they can do that.

This reply sums up how I feel about my diverse friendships, I live in an all male household I am quite comfortable with male company. My college education was in a male dominated course. I am very used to associating with men.

I agree the different perspective is a positive aspect of opposite gender friends.

This is the exact point I'm making. I agree.

Like I said, some things are facts whether or not all people believe in them.

To put it plainly and hopefully avoid confusion here is my position in a nut shell. Is the OP's husband being controlling? Yes. Does this mean that HE doesn't make valid points? No. he IS a man and he's giving a MANS perspective. Is it ALL men's perspective? No! And I never said it was. Is it a perspective which many men share? Yes. Does this mean the OP is being abused? Not necessarily. Is what the OP's husband is doing grounds for a divorce....only the Op can decide. This is pretty much all I was saying and I fail to see how this prescriptive is wrong but I do accept and recognize that we all have our own unique perscective based on our experiences and education.

In my college speech class we often had "debates". I would intentionally select the position I didn't agree with to argue. Why? Because I preferred to explore the side of something I didn't already see. Chose to exam the angel which went against the grain of my learned value system. It was a good strategy and taught me a lot. I do see the other side of this....the passionate claims people are making to defend their side of this. The uncomfortable nature of the discussion we are having. We all have our biases and need to protect previously held ideas. I've learned more about human nature via this thread. Thanks to everyone who shared an opinion. I grow as a person by putting myself in your shoes for a moment and seeing your perspectives. (((Hugs)))