Is it abnormal if my 10 year old son wants to sleep in the same bed as me?

I agree. Overly smothering a child can lead to it's own set of problems, like codependency, insecurities, and even resentment and embarrassment.

Regarding the peers, it's not so much what the peers themselves think, but how the child sees themselves compared to said peers, and how concerned they might be about what peers may think, say or do. It all boils down to self esteem and the child's own stage of development. At around 10ish, most children begin to pick up heavily on behavioral and emotional differences in their peers. They also begin to compare themselves to their peers as a means of gaging what is normal and accepted behavior. It's all part of child development and psychology.

My brother is a key example of how such a childrearing method can be detrimental and cause rebellion later in the teenage years. He had childhood cancer, and seeing as he was also the baby in the family, he was often heavily smothered and spoiled by my parents. Around 10-13 years of age, he began to develop a sense of entitlement and overall resentment toward society and our family structure. Mostly it had to do with Dad trying to get him to go to his church, which he absolutely began to refuse doing. However, instead of allowing him to explore himself and giving him the freedom he needed to figure out what he himself wanted to be and do, Mom and Dad tried again and again to get him to do things they thought were best for him. He felt overwhelmed, smothered, and just plain oppressed. He began to rebel, wear dark clothing, and color and cut his hair in punkish styles. That in and of itself isn't too bad, however, he began to question authority, skip school, steal things, and disappear in the middle of the night, only to come back days later with no explanation as to where he had been. When he began to smoke cigarettes, Mom and Dad were concerned that he had been introduced to other, more illegal substances. They even took him, albeit grudgingly, to get drug tested.

There's difference between nurturing and being a helicopter parent. Don't be a helicopter parent. Just don't. Allow the child to be independent and instill in him the emotional tools that he can use to be healthier and solve tough emotional problems on his own.

Trust me, I see how you think. Most people would agree with you, I know that too. The clarification and expansion on why a child should care about and base their opinions of themselves on What their peers think only further confirms my stance. People are far too different and with this type of thinking bullies are just doing their jobs to help conformity. People are unique and the stages kids fall into can vary drastically depending on many factors.

I guess I'm a helicopter parent because you are darn tootin I'd go to the restroom with my 7-8 year old girl....and would be standing outside the door for my sons.

I come from a neglect/abusive background so I'm sure that colors my views
dramatically.

I found a pretty neat article in NYT that I think is very pertinent to this conversation. It illustrates the dangers of being a helicopter parent quite nicely.

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/05/12/op...ting.html?_r=0

Yeah, he was visiting and wanted to sleep in my bed.

Well, he was taken out of my home when he was 3 and he used to cry and scream whenever I took him to daycare. He didn't do that before. Only after he went with his dad for a couple of weeks. He used to share a bed with me when he was 3. When I went to visit him last Christmas, he stayed at the hotel and slept in my bed even though there was another bed at in my hotel room.

Sounds like an insecure attachment to me. I'm sorry for both of you, can you consult a professional?

A lot more has to go on to mess up a kid other than occasionally allowing a 10 yr old to sleep with you.

She does not have custody of her son.

So a sleep over and her son " wanting" to sleep in her bed is not a daily deal.....

Joshua's-mommy....enjoy your lil boy, he could easily decide next visit he will want to stay in his bed.
❤️

My oldest son was very sick beginning at age 9....he was in and out of the hospital for years and I would snuggle him in his hospital bed. My youngest is autistic and at age 9, was much like a 4 year old developmentally and he would lay in bed with his dad and I for hours watching TV and we'd all fall asleep sometimes...and he even watched TV with me when I wasn't feeling well and we'd both fall asleep and nap. Nothing weird about it. If my son was feeling insecurely attached, I'd get professional help and would allow him to sleep with me until he felt safe and secure (within reason) but I do realize I'm gauging this on some assumptions which might not be relevant in this case. Lefty asks great questions that I would need to know the answer to but ultimately it sounds like a professional could be valuable in this matter.

If it's just visiting I wouldn't be concerned. He misses you. But I would ask if he sleeps with his dad when he is home?

He said that he sleeps in his own bed at his dad's house.

So he clearly just misses his mommy.

agreed...this is definitely a case of needing some mommy snuggles, the backstory makes a difference in how I viewed your question.

So basically to teach a child that the opinion of others is paramount.

I'm 23 and I can't sleep without a stuffed animal. People know this, and a few have judged me but as far as I'm concerned they can just get over it.

The number of kids I've come across who have had their own private secrets they would not want others to know is pretty high, stuffed toys, bed wetting - all of which would get them ridiculed.

I really don't think shame is helpful given the scenario.

OP I'm sorry you and he have been through the trauma you have, it really isn't surprising he needs to keep you near given the history.

Pushing him away may cause further upset, I think further reassurance from you is probably the best you can do for your son.

the opinion of others does at times serve as a neccesary litmus test. I think this is one of them.

The fact that this child does not live with mom is even more reason to me to avoid this sort of coddling. The boy needs to be given the message that mom is still mom regardless of who has custody and that each parent is equal. This is her responsibility to ensure this is so. Mom needs to parent just as she would should he live with her permamently. At every effort should a noncustodial parent avoid the time they spend with their child turning into a holiday rather than a visit. This is why it's important to establish a healthy routine. It is the parent's responsibility to do so. The non-custodial home should be another home and NOT a vacation destination.

So if parents separate and one parent is unsupportive, the other parent owes it to the child and other parent to be so also?

It's a slippery slope to start telling kids to care about the forced conformity of their peers. There is a name for it...it's called peer pressure. Ever heard the saying "if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you too?" Why not allow kids the freedom (within reason) to be themselves. Why tell a kid their individual emotional needs aren't as important as conformity. In the future your kids might not come to you for comfort when they really need it and instead will follow the behaviors of their peers. This could be horribly dangerous.

you've completely misunderstood and are grasping at straws.

[QUOTE=justafriend306;5342695]you've completely misunderstood and are grasping at straws.[/QUOTE

I could say the same about you but I won't invalidate your point because I do see them, I just disagree.

There is one last thing I want to say. If the OP feels uncomfortable sleeping with her son for any reason, it's probably best not to do it. The child could pick up on that feeling and it could effect them negatively.

This child's gone through a traumatic separation with his mother. I see nothing wrong with some extra clinginess for now. When sexual development starts to become a concern, you'll know it. I hope your relationship continues to grow and be healthy.

It doesn't matter whether the child is a boy or a girl or whatever, no 10-year-old needs to be sleeping with its mother.

I also have read further in the thread and for some reason this child doesn't live with her, which is even more reason not to.

Separation happened years when op lost custody. If he still lives out of state with his dad, how frequent are these visits. Is him sleeping in bed is the only concern?

I''m not sure what you mean. Is this question for me or the OP?

Well, my son doesn't want me to tell people that I give him piggy back rides and spin hugs. So, I don't think that he would want me to tell his friends.