[byumetalman]

My wife and I have been married for thirteen years and I feel like we are going backwards. She has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. These are not new to me and I knew what I was in for before we got married. Last year we spent time in the hospital because she was comptiplating suicide. All in all a year later she is doing much better but making decisions I thought she never would. She started drinking casually with friends and kept it from me for a little while. A few days ago she came home after work and had gotten her first tattoo with out even talking to me. I know she is her own person but her decisions and views on life have changed completely. I know communication is a big part of this and our mural agreements have come to a stop. I'm not into the drinking or the tattoo and am really struggling on what to do. Please help. Ask me questions don't just judge please.

[Skeezyks]

Hello byumetalman: Well... my wife & I have been married for 37 years. And one thing I can say with confidence is that circumstances do change over time. (In our relationship I've become the one who struggles with mental health issues... who knew?) I hate to say it, but the reality is that my wife & I don't really have a lot in common anymore except that we've been married for 37 years. (Her accomplishment, not mine.)

Like you, I'm not into drinking or tattoos either. (Neither is my wife.) But there are some ways in which I could well be doing some things that would be as difficult for my wife as the things your wife is doing are for you... perhaps more so. (I'll spare you the details.) In my case, I simply chose not to pursue them.

Of course these are the kinds of things couples sometimes seek couples counseling for, if that is something you & your wife would consider. Beyond that, perhaps you may want to consider seeking some individual counseling / therapy for yourself in order to figure out what you feel you must do about this situation. From what you wrote, it sounds to me as though your wife is going to do what she's going to do. And you're correct. She is her own person & has the right to do as she sees fit. But you also matter. And so, it is going to be incumbent on you to decide how much of this you can tolerate & what you feel you must do about it. The unfortunate thing is sometimes couples just grow apart. That's about all I can say...

[seesaw]

Wow, I am into tattoos, but I would expect my partner to discuss with me before going out and getting one...even if just so I could be there to see it. Getting a tattoo is not like changing your haircut, which I would think you could do without your partner's "approval" but a tattoo is very permanent. It just seems to me like she would've discussed it with you at least. Not to get approval, but at least to let you know it's something she wanted.

About the drinking...if she's just having a few glasses of wine with friends, I'm not sure why she would have to discuss it with you, unless you two have some religious beliefs against drinking (I know some people who do) or if you two absolutely never drink. If having any alcohol at all is something totally new, I would think that's a bit odd.

Have you tried to discuss these changes you have seen in her with her yet? Sometimes you have to sit down and have a point blank honest conversation about how things are different and how that's affecting your relationship. Be respectful, and I think this comes off better if you express it in terms of concern for her and your relationship rather than fear or anger about not being consulted.

Good luck,
seesaw

Is she seeing a therapist?

[Crazy Hitch]

Can you discuss how you can rekindle some kind of reconnection with her? How much time do the two of you make to go out together and do things together?

The issue isn't the tattoos, it's a symptom of a bigger issue. Hell - she could go out and buy a Mustang without consulting you using all of your savings, and the issue still wouldn't be the Mustang, but the fact that she's doing things without discussing them with you.

And you need to make sure that the point is not about getting your approval at all. She's a grown woman, and doesn't need it. It's more about the communication that's gone awry.

I got a nose ring on Friday night. I was hypo. I text my bf beforehand and said "Hey I'm going to be late to your place I'm getting my nose pierced." I didn't text him with the intent of him replying with a "Cool!" or "Wtf?" but it was just more of a heads up, or so to speak

PS: the nose ring fell out on Saturday night and I didn't bother to put it back in ... I think my mood had kinda levelled out by then.

[byumetalman]

All of your replies have been point on. She has mentioned the idea of tattoos but always said she would let me know when she was ready. It's not so much that she got one it's not including me because I thought she would want me there.
The drinking was more of a shock than anything. It started casual but seems more frequent.
I don't expect her to ask for an approval; but to discuss things with me. I'm not wanting her friends to disappear because she needs them as well.
We spend time together but it is spent at home watching TV because she wants to zone out and shut off after work. Again I understand why. I'm not the best with my feelings and I know it's a problem and I don't want to be the reason that she slips into another low in life. Thanks for your responses it is helping me try to figure and muster enough confidence into talking to her about it. She is my world and it's not something I would ever give up on.

[byumetalman]

Oh and she hasn't been to her therapist in about 6 months. We did go together occasionally.