[Jasmina]

I met a man June 2016 through a dating site - he lives in NY and I live in Ohio. We hit it off really well. Almost too well. We both shared the same ethnicity which made it even better. At the time, he was going through a bad divorce due to his wife of 5 yrs cheating on him more than once with the same guy. There was definitely a physical attraction between us. But more importantly, a close friendship. Months after his divorce I went to visit him. Let's just say we hit it off even better. It brought us much closer. Things got really strange after I returned to Ohio. He put up this huge wall. So I left him alone. We went on as usual, him contacting me on a regular basis. Then this past February he disclosed to how difficult it was for him when I left. He missed me so much that it hurt. He said the loss was too much to bare and he wasn't sure if he could do it again. Seeing me again would only make things more complicated. We talked about whether we could be just friends. He told me that he had lost 2 very close friends because they became romantically involved. He never spoke to either one of them. I meant too much to him to risk losing me altogether if we were to give it a shot at romance. After this we remained very close with a little flirtation and weak moments where our feelings for one another couldn't be ignored. I think I had the harder time with it. But it wasn't so bad bc the closeness never changed. In fact we grew even closer. I knew he would always be there no matter what happened. I questioned how our friendship would change if either one of us found a partner. His response was that I was a permanent and very important person in his life. I was his best friend and the closest he had ever come to truly caring for someone. Well, things went well. I gave up on the fact that we were just friends and would never grow into anything romantic - bff's. I was open about dating other guys. Which he seemed to not mind except for the occasional, &quot;be careful with that one&quot; or &quot;if he says he loves you too quickly, he's after only one thing&quot; speech. He was open about dating. But he wasn't quite ready for that. Yet he was lonely. Which I understood. So here we are going about our business, growing closer and learning more and more about one another. My feelings for him were there. But I pushed them to the side. Then this past summer, almost a year from meeting, he goes to see his family overseas. He called me from the NYC airport prior to leaving and left the sweetest message to say goodbye. He would find some way for us to communicate. Well....he did. And we did almost everyday. He said that every woman he saw that looked like me was a reminder of me. So what does he do? Starts getting romantic with me again. I was reluctant and thought it was only bc he was in our ancestral country. It would be natural for me to enter his mind. We toyed with the idea of me traveling to NY this fall. He missed me so much. <br />
When he returned, we continued to talk about arranging something or where we could possibly meet in between or he come to Ohio. Then he put the wall up again. He was afraid if I came there that things would get complicated. He was not in a healthy place to even have a relationship with me. If we did, it would only destroy all we had gained. It was better to be friends. Anyway, this is getting long. So I'll wrap it up. <br />
A month ago he tells me he lied about going out on dates. He wasn't ready to tell me bc he knew I had feelings for him and it might hurt me too badly. He was afraid I wouldn't want to be his friend bc of being hurt. I was mad. Not because he was going out on dates. But bc he lied after I was open about going out with other guys. It almost sounded like I was the only one with the feelings. Which would be bs. He also didn't want to talk about it with me because it seemed wrong knowing I had feelings. He even said he loved me deeply. Whaaat? Then a week later I noticed he was different with me - not as gentle or sweet. So I asked if he had met anybody interesting. He said he had been seeing someone he met on a dating site. I told him it was great that he had found someone. I was happy for him. His response was that they weren't that close. Nothing near to as close as we were. Anyway, since then, I have lost that trust we established. He has been treating me differently than he ever did. I knew him to be with me in the way he was from the moment we met. He promised we'd always be best friends. But everything he has said for over a year now - how important I was to him, how I was the only one he could count on, etc... Now I feel betrayed bc he took those little things away from our close friendship making it into nothing but acquaintances. So now it seems I have been replaced with a stranger. So much invested. For what? It didn't take romance to destroy our friendship. It seems to have been ruined and brought to an end by betrayal. I am beyond devastation and pain right now. Am I wrong to think I was wronged? This was a person who I could count on and he wanted to be that person. I feel used and hurt. I miss what we had and cannot understand why he'd do this. I just want my best friend back. I almost want to implement the 'No Contact Rule' so that he realizes what he's lost.
I'm so struck with grief right now. I don't know how to deal with this loss.
Thank you for reading ....

I knew he was seeing others before you even got to that part. He lied...who knows how much more he lied about. The hot/cold behavior he is exhibiting will drive you mad with the physical distance in play. You need to do what is right for you. You have a right to feel hurt and you have a right to protect yourself however you see fit. (((Hugs)))

[seesaw]

I would go no contact. I have been in the exact same situation. The best thing you can do is cut him off and move on. Look for men in your area.

Sorry,
seesaw

[~Christina]

Block him across the board and grieve the loss of the relationship thenmove forward.

Remind your self that he was not honest and you deserve so much better ❤️

[Jasmina]

Thanks everyone for the advice. I know what all you say is true. But it's difficult to cope with this loss.
After rereading my initial post, I realized I made a mistake and possibly left a few things out.
I met him June of 2015, not 2016. So we've been communicating for over a year. Maybe I said it somewhere. But I just wanted to make that clear. This is the reason I'm having a difficult time.
I also didn't emphasize that he knew I was going out with other guys. Therefore, he had every right to date. I had moved on from any hope of a relationship developing until he brought all those feelings to the surface again when he came on strong while vacationing overseas. We discussed this. He apologized for his immaturity. I got over it. Then he confessed about being dishonest about going on dates from a dating site. I was only irritated by this bc he didn't tell me when I'd ask, just as he would ask me, if he met anyone special. It was stupid. I got over that as well. But after calling him out on not talking as much and a noticable change in his behavior toward me was met with the response, "that's because I'm also talking to someone else", I was devastated. Why should this change how he's been? So now she's taken my place? So.... he didnt see me as simply a friend or else he would've never said such a stupid thing.
I apologize if I'm repeating myself. I appreciate all the support. I miss the closeness we built over the past year. I depended on him so much as a dear person in my life. We spoke about friendship and how important it was. How much we both meant to one another. He knew about the betrayals and broken friendships both male and female I went through. After he said he lied about dating, I asked him to promise me one thing, that he always be honest with me no matter how much it hurt. He said "well I already failed at that". I don't understand this.
I hate to say it bc it's immature and unhealthy. Yet, I'm human. Lol. But I am implementing the NC rule to give myself time to heal. But I also want him to miss me and realize he's thrown a good thing away - that he has screwed up. I've always been too scared to attempt NC. So I'm not sure how it works - which sounds ridiculously obvious.
Jasmina

[sticky_boy]

He is a loser and you need someone in your neck of the woods.

[Jasmina]

Originally Posted by sticky_boy

He is a loser and you need someone in your neck of the woods.

Thanks sticky_boy for reading. I appreciate it. Of course he's a loser. I see this now. I should've kept my emotional distance when he told me he had sold drugs before and still smokes. I don't know how much this factor plays a role in my situation or even at all. Lately, I've had the nagging feeling the he may be selling again. I wasn't into all that. Yet accepted him since it was a part of who he was. Which I always thought was addiction. Hmmm It just isn't me. He was and is obsessed with it (wax).
Question:. Why keep me around for that long, not to mention the distance, if I ultimately meant nothing? I'm not sure what he got out of it.

Originally Posted by Jasmina

Thanks sticky_boy for reading. I appreciate it. Of course he's a loser. I see this now. I should've kept my emotional distance when he told me he had sold drugs before and still smokes. I don't know how much this factor plays a role in my situation or even at all. Lately, I've had the nagging feeling the he may be selling again. I wasn't into all that. Yet accepted him since it was a part of who he was. Which I always thought was addiction. Hmmm It just isn't me. He was and is obsessed with it (wax).
Question:. Why keep me around for that long, not to mention the distance, if I ultimately meant nothing? I'm not sure what he got out of it.

He kept you on the line and ensured you'd be there if he ever really wanted you and was able to live a robust life away from you when he chose. He had the best of both worlds. I don't know if his drug use and dealings had anything to do with it. I've known some sweet dealers and some who obviously had psychopathy or NPD. You said it isn't you and you don't sound like you want that in your life. You have the right to make that choice and it appears you are seeing many things in a new light. (((Hugs)))

[MickeyCheeky]

You deserve a lot better.. I'm sorry you're hurting

[Jasmina]

Thank you all for the support. It seems he has chosen NC to use on me. Lol. I hardly hear from him after we spoke. To make it worse, I told him my mom had cancer. He hasn't even been there for me. Funny... I was there when he went through his divorce.

Originally Posted by Jasmina

Thank you all for the support. It seems he has chosen NC to use on me. Lol. I hardly hear from him after we spoke. To make it worse, I told him my mom had cancer. He hasn't even been there for me. Funny... I was there when he went through his divorce.

((((Hugs to you and your mom)))). What a jerk he sounds like. (((More hugs)))