[Malawicca]

First of all...excuse me for my bad english. I'm in such a mess...such an agony over this. I just had to let it out of myself. Hopeing that some of you guys would read it. Maybe shed some light so i could see more clearly...

So...i'm a 30 year old married women, a mother of two little kidos. So far i've never cheated on my husband, nor i ever did such thing in my previous relationships.
What happened recently rocked my entire world. Amazed, shocked and terrified me. And i kind of feel as it's all in my head...Product of my fatansies and wishfull thinking...Some sick, distorted infatuation that slowly overtook my everyday life...
My marriage isn't great. But it's not bad either. We have always had some issues, but we kind of dealt with it somehow. What just happened in my life made me question everything. Everything i thought i knew...i don't any more.

So, a little over a month ago i had this minor surgery ( hysteroscopy). I met this doctor...and bum...on that exact instant, a felt swept away. This have never ever happened to me before. I was never fast-in-love type...I was always carefull, reserved when it comes to those things...And this guy...he's not even a close to my type of a man. But somehow, he blew me away on first/second time we saw each other. I don't say this to brag, i only say it because i think it's important for you to get the picture better...I'm much better looking than he is. Honestly, if someone asked me if i would even notice this guy outside, on a party...I'd say no way. Plain, ordinary. Just another dude...But somehow, after our first meeting i just couldn't get him out of my head.He was also much more that polite to me. He was very helpfull, very interested in everything i had to say. He was focused on me, he even gave me his private cell phone number so we can talk about a following procedure that i was supposed to have(which he supposed to do).
He's married also, and has kids. Older maybe 7-8 years than i am.

On my way home, first day, instatly i felt ashamed of myself. So lost...so disguised with my thoughts...I felt guilty. But that was it...he got inside my head and soon after that i started to daydream abotu our next meeting, about him(i even cyber stalked him - luckly there wasn't much i could find out there)

Anyway...he did my procedure. After that he made an appointment for me just to come for no reason at all(he still couldn't do my control "afterprocedure" checkup cause i still had my period) Anyway he wanted me to come so he could give me my tissue sample result(from that little polyp he removed). It was negative, of course, and i kind of think he made me come just so he could see me. Even though he was always professional. He also never did or said anything inaproppriate or "flirty"...But he did seemed obviously pretty nervous, clumsy, often tripped on his words...He'd brag about stuff he did&stuff (as he was trying to impress me)

We met 4-5 times during a 40 day period... Every time i saw him i have invested a great effort to collect myself, and appear as normal as possible. I never said anything inappropriate, or did anything that he might even consider to be a hit on or flirting...
Yet, sometimes i think there may have been some super small sings that could let him know i was also a little nervous around him.

The last checkup (he's not my regular gynecologist, only the one who suppposed to get my procedure done) was such an intense mess! I came (and i did tried to look as best as i could knowing he'll have to see literaly EVERYTHING ) On an instant he saw me he got cofused, started to fidget...Was very clearly very nervous. He even stuttered whic even made me become more nervous too. I blushed and couldn't stay as cool and centered as i have always managed to do. I think he could saw the state i was in as loud and as clear as i could saw his. He took me to exam room and did the exam. I prayed God he doesn't hear my heart pounding throught that ultrosound. I mean it was such an intense situation. I think i have never been more embarassed in my whole life. Lying there. Him beside me. Feeling my most intimate parts...CRAZY. After that he tried to keep me in this room for as long as he could. He tried to talk with me about mundane thing...We sat across of each other and blabbed about his job, his interest in surgery, his accomplishments...About a staff he's working with...I mean about a lot of things. So, i stayed inside for almost an hour. BUT neither one of us never tried to get personal (really pesrsonal). We avoided it like plague...He did asked me where i work and where do i live, but that's it.
The only thing he said at the very end before i left the room (and i so wish he didn't because it screwed my mind even more) is "we'll see eachother, we'll hear eachouther and hang out" ...It kind of shocked me becouse there is no way we could ever do that. He lives in another city, we work in different cities...I mean, it's not like we'll ever unintentionally bump into each other...

I said nothing to that...I said good bye and went out.

SO...

From that day on(and it's been more than three weeks)i can't get him out of my head. Just can't... I keep checking his viber or watsupp status(cause it's all i have of him...he doesn't have facebook or any other profile online) I feel so bad. Bad as a wife.Bad as a mother...Bad in dealling with everyday stuff. It overwhelmed me in so many different ways...I can't believe it.
I can't break this insane daydreaming of us....We could never ever be. Even if he would reach me somehow, text me, call me...i'd refuse our contact out of fear. Fear of myself. Fear that i might do unrepaireable ****...

I guess i wanted you tou hear me out. To tell me i'm not completely insane...Deluted. I don't know what this is. Never thought i would have this feelings towards anyone but my husband...
What a mess.

What do you think guys. Am i completely lost it?Should i go to a shrink?How will i ever make myself stop obsessing over him...

He hasn't called me, or texted me. He knows i'm married, have kids...I haven't call or texted him either. Even though at some points of my madness i want to so, so bad. I know i won't. Bit i dream about it...To relieve myself...to get some "closure" to this apsurd chapter of my life...Uggggh

[TishaBuv]

Hello and welcome to PC!

Things must be different in your country, but it's a red flag that he had you come to the office so many times. It seems like he was maybe fraudulently billing your insurance company by seeing you so many unnecessary times.

The comment about 'hanging out' was very strange. Maybe he was feeling you out to see if you would have an affair with him.

Anyway, just stay away. Delete his contact info. Don't go seee him again.

You aren't the first woman to feel vulnerable and fantasize about an affair. You used good self control. Don't beat yourself up.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Malawicca: I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So I wanted to say... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

You received some solid advice from Tishabuv. The only thing I would add is that if possible you may want to consider seeing someone (presumably a therapist of some sort with whom you can talk this through) should you find you continue to not be able to let this go. You haven't done anything wrong. This was simply an unplanned & unexpected occurrence & you handled it well.

The danger here, to the extent there is any, is in continuing to allow this experience to rumble around through your thoughts. In some way or other, you need to find a way to put it to rest. Writing about it, as here on PC, is one way to do that. But if that is not sufficient, then try to find someone with whom you can process what you're experiencing. It's not what occurred here that is problematic (in my opinion.) It's how you are feeling about it... if that makes sense.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[Malawicca]

Oh guys...i'm so happy someone actually read my pathetic story. Thank you so much for every single word.

I can't write this stuf on my country forums. The country just isn't big enough and i have a paranoia that he would somehow read it.
So...yeah, i know i gotta get a grip somehow. I have erased his number 20 times by now...and put it back as many times .

I just CANNOT GET THIS.
I can't figure myself out.
Wtf?
I had a normal life...it was all good and sane. Now...it seems as everything is nuts.
I have this masochistic hope for him to contact me, based on what he said and the way he was acting around me,and i can't let go of that desire...I know if he wanted it he would do so by now. And i know if he wanted me to contact him -if that's the real reason he said that about hanging out...- by now he knows it ain't gonna happen either. So...there's a wall in front of me. I need to let go...I wish i will soon enough. I'll force myself to delete his number for goog. It's such a shame i have it in my head.

[~Christina]

Why was there not a female staff member in the room during exams ? There is a law here in the USA , it's protection for the Doctor and for the patient.

I agree with Tisha all the extra visits and time , here there are levels of care , full exam are billed as $ , follow ups , quicker visits are of course cheaper and most after a procedure are considered post op care. So he could be into fraudulent charging.

I can understand how a for lack of a better word " crush" can send people it to a unknown thought process.

I would say of course delete all contact info and find a new doctor ASAP!

[Malawicca]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Why was there not a female staff member in the room during exams ? There is a law here in the USA , it's protection for the Doctor and for the patient.

I agree with Tisha all the extra visits and time , here there are levels of care , full exam are billed as $ , follow ups , quicker visits are of course cheaper and most after a procedure are considered post op care. So he could be into fraudulent charging.

I can understand how a for lack of a better word " crush" can send people it to a unknown thought process.

I would say of course delete all contact info and find a new doctor ASAP!

Hey there
In our country it's quite ordinary for a gynecologist to be one-on-one, alone with a woman in the exam room. I was in same situation before with some other man obgyn...I realise it's not the best situation neither for doctor, neither for us, but...That's how it is here.

Well, i saw him first time when i came to schedual an operation. Second time i came for the procedure. Third time he asked me to come just to take that biopsy result- negative- even though common sense points out that he could have done that when i came to post operative check up only 5 days later...All he did that time was hadle me this piece of paper and had a conversation with me...
Last time i saw him on my last checkup...

He's not my gyno, luckly...
He was the one that my female obgyn sent me so he could to that procedure that she doesn't do - he works in a hospital, she's in primary care...

[TishaBuv]

Nothing good was going to come of it anyway. He's married with children, you're married. It was only going to be an affair. You don't need that.

Get your husband a pair of scrubs and play dress-up in bed, lol.

You were vulnerable because you're bored and longing for excitement and glamour. Just enjoy the fantasy in your mind and forget about creepy doctor IRL.

[divine1966]

He sounds like a creep. Forget him please as soon as possible

I know how you feel as I was obsessed with a guy when I was in a relationship once and I found out of sight, out of mind helped for me, it's also helped me recently with another guy whose number I added and deleted several times too. Every time after he texted me I deleted it so that I couldn't contact him. Obviously this guy is married with children and you are married so it's the best thing you can do. However remembering for me and fantasising about what could be or have been isn't always helpful for getting over a person either in my experience. Keep yourself as busy as possible and try not to do things that remind you of him. Obviously going to the doctors and dealing with medical problems is not going to help but obviously you can't avoid that. I think for years after being around this guy I was obsessed with I still sometimes thought of him and even in a long term relationship didn't want to rule out being with him which makes me feel ashamed. But I can assure you you are not alone and if you feel you need professional assistance to get past this then fair enough. I maybe should have done that as I never talked to anyone about it for 10 years. Hopefully you can focus on other things soon enough but if you're anything like me and are a perpetual daydreamer it probably won't be as easy as it could be.

Also don't worry about your English, I bet most of us can't speak a word of Croatian, I know I can't!!

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this... but yeah, stay away from him :/ I know this isn't really helpful to you since you're already trying... but I think that's the only thing you can do
Be strong

[Malawicca]

Oh guys...thnx for your supportive words.

See..."Perpetual daydreamer" is one word that perfectly describes me. I tend to do that a lot, throughout my entire life. Daydreaming.

I think this habit prevents me from getting healed. It constantly drives me back, down the road and i can't seem to pass this miserable mile

I don't know. I even admire this man for not "pursuing" me after we had such a chemistry...Someone said he seemed like a creep. Well, it's obvious i'm creeper because i'm the one who still think's about him...

I don't know what he feels. I don't know if he was ever tempted to call me or text me...What do you guys think?

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Malawicca

Oh guys...thnx for your supportive words.

See..."Perpetual daydreamer" is one word that perfectly describes me. I tend to do that a lot, throughout my entire life. Daydreaming.

I think this habit prevents me from getting healed. It constantly drives me back, down the road and i can't seem to pass this miserable mile

I don't know. I even admire this man for not "pursuing" me after we had such a chemistry...Someone said he seemed like a creep. Well, it's obvious i'm creeper because i'm the one who still think's about him...

I don't know what he feels. I don't know if he was ever tempted to call me or text me...What do you guys think?

You aren't a creeper because you are a vulnerable woman in doctors office. He wouldn't be a creep if he simply met you elsewhere. What makes him a creep is that he is in a professional capacity and if he did make passes on you then he violated you and ethics of his job. And he is a gynecologist! No decent doctor would pursue his patients.

[Malawicca]

Originally Posted by divine1966

You aren't a creeper because you are a vulnerable woman in doctors office. He wouldn't be a creep if he simply met you elsewhere. What makes him a creep is that he is in a professional capacity and if he did make passes on you then he violated you and ethics of his job. And he is a gynecologist! No decent doctor would pursue his patients.

I understand.
Well, the only thing that he did said ( which didn't sound quite aproppriate was the thing about us seeing each other and hanging out) And he did say it at the very end of our appointment.
It shocked me so much that i just couldn't say anything articulate ...I just said thnx and goog bye (went out)
And after i sat in my car my heart started racing, my mind was flooded with those words...What did they mean?What did he acctually mean by that...Oghhhhh

But i feel like a creeper because i still can't let go. It's like my mind constantly pulling me back thinking about him, looking at his avaliable pictures & stuff...Wondering if we'll ever meet again.

It's so awkward...

[TishaBuv]

Try to put that energy to spicing things up with your husband. You were probably vulnerable in the first place because you are unsatisfied and bored in your marriage.

[Malawicca]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Try to put that energy to spicing things up with your husband. You were probably vulnerable in the first place because you are unsatisfied and bored in your marriage.

Sooo, so true. I was sitting duck waiting for a bullet.
I need to bring my focus back on my marriage. My husband, like he knows something is off, tries theese days. He really is more carring and more tender...That's why i feel even more guilty.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by Malawicca

Sooo, so true. I was sitting duck waiting for a bullet.
I need to bring my focus back on my marriage. My husband, like he knows something is off, tries theese days. He really is more carring and more tender...That's why i feel even more guilty.

There is nothing to feel guilty about. Don't feel guilty just because you fantasized about a relationship with someone you found attractive because he has a glamorous career. You even said he was nothing to look at. It's so common for someone to feel discontent with what they have and daydream about an unrealistic fantasy. This guy definitely acted in a way that fed in to your imagination. He probably would have had an affair with you. You don't need that. Why be the other woman?

Just let it go. I encounter plenty of flirtations and cheating opportunities. I just move right on, not interested in cheating. But a little fantasy doesn't hurt anybody.

[Malawicca]

Ugh...the guilt comes from thinking that i didn't actually DO anything just because i didn't have the opportunity. If i could see this guy again, i honestly can't say what would happen. And it's so scarry...I can't believe i could be so easely swept away...
We live different lives, we're physically separated. And i feel like it's the only thing standing between me...and adultery

You think he'd do it to?
I dont know.
He didnt contact me...

[~Christina]

Just say no. The guilt you would feel even if it never went past talking would be enough to tear you apart even further.

If this doctor had any morals or even just a single strand he would never nor should he ever act this way. He's using his position as a Doctor to probably do this to loads of women, no offense but I doubt you are the only woman he has done this too.

You said he just isn't your type.

As Tisha said spice up your marriage, he is a guy that is your type or you would have never married.

I felt that way too with the guy years ago, I didn't know what would have happened if we had met again, and a big part of me wanted it. The fact is the more you fantasise about someone, the more if it ever happens it will be a disappointment anyway. Think of this guy realistically. If he is willing to put his children through a potential disruption at home if his wife ever discovered he was having an affair he's not worth it, not to mention the pain he would cause his wife. I know children often blame themselves for marital problems. They should be his priority. Remember he was the one that suggested you hang out, you have done nothing wrong. It's normal to feel guilty though, it means you have a conscience and it stops you from going there. But in reality as long as it's just in your head there's nothing to feel bad about.

I know it's hard to forget someone, I'm trying right now, but try not to cyber stalk him or look him up, that won't help. The only way to detox from someone is to totally cut off any connections or potential contact with them. I only wish I could take my own advice, lol.

It doesn't matter if he would or wouldn't have an affair with you, he's off limits.

I might be missing something but his appointments all sound reasonable. He might be a chatty sort or trying to make you feel more comfortable by explaining his expertise. He might have said "we'll hang out again" meaning he expects he will see you again sometimes and you guys can pick up on chatting. It's very possible this doctor did not share your feelings and is just very extroverted and likes to brag. You being attractive probably intrigued him if he's not gay but he might not have been obsessing about you as you were him. Your obsession with him is not healthy but not entirely uncommon either. I've had several female friends tell me of their own obsessions outside of marriage to feel it's an uncommon phenomenon. Still I think it best to drop the fantasy and do your best not to contact him unless it's a medical emergency. You can even tell your regular OBGYN that do to no fault of his own, he triggered you and you would prefer referrals to another doctor if possible. I'm glad your results were negative and hope you continue to have a happy and healthy life with your loving family. If you were happy without him before, you will be again given time.

[Malawicca]

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

I might be missing something but his appointments all sound reasonable. He might be a chatty sort or trying to make you feel more comfortable by explaining his expertise. He might have said "we'll hang out again" meaning he expects he will see you again sometimes and you guys can pick up on chatting. It's very possible this doctor did not share your feelings and is just very extroverted and likes to brag. You being attractive probably intrigued him if he's not gay but he might not have been obsessing about you as you were him. Your obsession with him is not healthy but not entirely uncommon either. I've had several female friends tell me of their own obsessions outside of marriage to feel it's an uncommon phenomenon. Still I think it best to drop the fantasy and do your best not to contact him unless it's a medical emergency. You can even tell your regular OBGYN that do to no fault of his own, he triggered you and you would prefer referrals to another doctor if possible. I'm glad your results were negative and hope you continue to have a happy and healthy life with your loving family. If you were happy without him before, you will be again given time.

It is possible. Maybe im totally deluted. I dont know...Right now everything seems possible.
Although he didnt say well han out again. He used exact sentence : well see each other, well hear eachother, well hang out. And to it was really weird because it could never ever happen. Unintentionally.