[rdgrad15]

I have a casual friend that has very on and off communication. She will days, weeks, or even months without responding to texts, giving off the vibe that she doesn't care anymore. She gives off the vibe that she doesn't want to be friends, but then suddenly want to hang out or invites me somewhere. I've never understood why she does this. I don't get it. I always thought if someone really doesn't want to be friends with you, they will stop texting or talking to you and that is it.

That is final. But with her, she will go a while but then respond or something. Although sometimes she will respond with one word answers, obviously showing disinterest. I've apologized if I ever bothered her. She responded by saying she is busy and that I don't bother her. The thing is, no one is so busy that they can't respond to a text for days, weeks, or even months. Sorry but that is just a lame excuse in my opinion. A few hours to maybe a day is understandable, I am guilty of this every so often.

I will intend to get to a message at a later time once I finish doing something and then totally forget. Very rare but it happens. But I feel like my casual friend is just making up excuses. I understand that she probably just doesn't want to be friends anymore. That is fine, I respect that. But I don't get why she will suddenly talk to me like she is totally interested or invite me after acting like she could care less for so long. Sometimes I wonder if she really cares about me but is horrible at showing it or if she is just contacting me out of boredom and invites me out of obligation or as a last resort.

Any possibilities to this? I've talked to her about it but it doesn't change anything. Just confused that's all. During the period where we are making plans to hang out, we could be making plans to hang out in a few days and then like a day or two before out planned day to hang out, she just stops texting. It is the most annoying when I am trying to figure out what time she wants to meet so I can appropriately figure out what time I should catch the subway and bus.

I also ask if we are still hanging out in the event of a sudden change of plans. There has been times when she didn't respond at all and left me hanging, and also times when she cancelled last minute. I find this disrespectful. If she wants to cancel, have the courtesy to let me know. I called her out on it before and she would get mad. Once she bailed out and I called her out on how she could have easily let me know and wished she had told me before I made a two hour trip to meet her. She actually changed her mind and saw me for a bit but I could tell she was mad with me.

I felt bad in a way because I knew she was hanging out with me out of obligation. I hate that. Either people hang out with me because they want to or not at all. I told her we don't have to hang out if she doesn't want to but just figured it would have been polite to tell me before I made a two hour trip. Any suggestions on why she may be acting this way? I know she most likely is a bad friend, and I can see it but I just don't get why sometimes she will suddenly act all interested and then suddenly drop off days, weeks, or even months at a time.

Do you think she is just doing this stuff out of politeness and maybe even out of boredom and talking to me as a last resort when she has no one else to turn to? I don't want to appear clingy but at the same time, I want her to respect me. Just feel confused and don't get why she acts the way she does. I wish if she doesn't want to be friends with me, that she would just stop talking to me completely. I'd much rather her not talk to me at all and leave it at that than act like she doesn't care about me one bit and then suddenly talk to me like we are best friends.

Like I said, I get everyone, including her, has busy lives. But there is still no excuse to treat someone like they are nothing and say they are too busy to even text every so often but then act like they really care and text like as if nothing is wrong when they are feeling bored. She has always been this way, but ever since she dropped out of the college I graduated from, she got way worse and just acts like she could careless about anyone including me. I just wish I knew how she really felt and whether or not she really liked me as a friend or just someone to talk to as a last resort when she is bored, or even out of politeness.

[MickeyCheeky]

Yeah, it's pretty confusing to me too. And I'd be annoyed too..

What did you say to her exactly when you talked her about this? If she gives vague answers, she may just do all of this out of pity/politeness, like you said.

Or.. maybe she's just like that It can happen.

Still, I think you really need to talk clearly with her about this.. and making her understand how that makes you feel exactly.

Good luck!

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

Yeah, it's pretty confusing to me too. And I'd be annoyed too..

What did you say to her exactly when you talked her about this? If she gives vague answers, she may just do all of this out of pity/politeness, like you said.

Or.. maybe she's just like that It can happen.

Still, I think you really need to talk clearly with her about this.. and making her understand how that makes you feel exactly.

Good luck!

I agree with you. Well she has always been like this even when she did attend the college I graduated from. Just not as extreme. But when I did talk to her, I told her that I think it is rude for her to bail out on me at the last minute and not tell me ahead of time. Also, when she attended the college, she would exclude me in group situations. I called her out on it. She would kind of force an apology but never changed.

She really didn't care. If anything, that caused her to do it more. She actually distanced herself even more when I called her out on her behavior. Then the end of the year came and she started treated everyone like crap. Talking bad about everyone behind their backs. She dropped out and wanted nothing to do with anyone from the college. I am the only person from that college she still talks to.

I do agree with you that she is probably doing it out of obligation, politeness, or even boredom. I just don't get why she has to do it. And if she does genuinely care, then why does she have to act like she doesn't? I do agree with you and yes it is very annoying. I almost considered ignoring any texts I receive from her and cut her off completely but at the same time, I hate cutting people off if they truly like me.

But given the way she has treated me the past three years, most likely she doesn't really care for me. She has called me her best friend before but I know for a fact that is a lie. She also has problems telling the truth. She will not tell someone if she is mad at them. Instead, she will back stab them constantly until she feels better. She told me a few times that she has an image to maintain, which sounds really fake to me.

[Bill3]

After three years of such experience with her, it seems unlikely that she will change.

You have the option of no longer making arrangements to see her. You have the option of moving on to those who are more reliable.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by Bill3

After three years of such experience with her, it seems unlikely that she will change.

You have the option of no longer making arrangements to see her. You have the option of moving on to those who are more reliable.

I agree. Yeah I could wind up doing that. Just cutting her out due to flaky behavior.

[xRavenx]

I can understand it's confusing to try to make sense of her behavior. You may never get the answers from her as to why she's so inconsistent. Regardless of what the reasons are, her inconsistent behavior and perceived lack of interest in the friendship is enough reason to scale back on reaching out to her....especially since you tried bringing this issue to her attention, and she failed to attempt to make changes.

It would likely be healthier to begin to shift your focus on to others who are for most part, consistent and show more interest in the friendship. If your friend makes changes, it is up to her to show you through her actions. Since she hasn't after all this time, it's probably best to just move on, let her reach out if she finds the friendship worth sustaining, and turn your attention elsewhere. Just my two cents.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by xRavenx

I can understand it's confusing to try to make sense of her behavior. You may never get the answers from her as to why she's so inconsistent. Regardless of what the reasons are, her inconsistent behavior and perceived lack of interest in the friendship is enough reason to scale back on reaching out to her....especially since you tried bringing this issue to her attention, and she failed to attempt to make changes.

It would likely be healthier to begin to shift your focus on to others who are for most part, consistent and show more interest in the friendship. If your friend makes changes, it is up to her to show you through her actions. Since she hasn't after all this time, it's probably best to just move on, let her reach out if she finds the friendship worth sustaining, and turn your attention elsewhere. Just my two cents.

I agree. She just doesn't really care. And even when we do hang out, she seems uninterested and awkward. I agree, I may just scale back and not bother reaching out to her. The whole thing about her having too much anxiety or just too busy is more of an excuse in my opinion. She is not really that busy, she only works on a few days and when she does, it is only for half a day, usually a late afternoon to early night shift. No one is so busy that they can't respond to a text for a month or so.

She claims to get anxious, and someone else said the same thing, but I think it is still partially an excuse since she was never this bad. Yes she was always inconsistent, but there was a time when she was just a tad better. She socializes well too so she can't be that anxious. I get anxious too but I don't flake out on people the way she does. Just excuses in my opinion. I hope one day she will treat others well and show she cares but right now, she doesn't.