How to deal with mother...

Okay, so I'm going to ramble around here for a bit to get the whole story out...sorry if it's not chronological.

Growing up my brother was my tormentor and one of my abusers (I also received abuse from my father and mother). He tried to molest me once. And then, when he start high school, he got into drugs, became addicted, and regularly threatened me with physical violence and death threats, in addition to the actual physical violence. I don't actually remember him hitting me in the face, but I remember him grabbing me by my shirt and lifting me up with one hand while sticking his curled up fist in my face, threatening to kill me (over wanting to sit shotgun). This kind of abuse and violence from him was regular. When we went to high school together, he regularly would hit my head if I walked by him in the halls. He was a bully and an abuser.

Needless to say, we have never been close. A few years ago, I met a very nice girlfriend of his who asked why we were never close. And his answer was he had no idea. I just remained silent. I knew exactly why. This is the person in my life who frequently showed me hate and threatened to kill me all those times. He wasn't like a brother to me, he was like some demon I shared a house with. I have another older brother too, and our relationship is nothing like that with this brother.

My mother likes to paint this brother in a saintly light. For example, she has a step son now, and she's very hard on him. When I try to remind her, don't you remember all the trouble B got in when he was in high school? All the drugs? The violence? And she claims she doesn't remember any of it. I don't know why but this really hurts me that she doesn't remember that. My mother is not elderly, she's only 61, she works full-time, she's very active.

My brother mooched off my dad for a while until he finally went to a technical school. Not only did my dad force me to go to my brother's technical school graduation, he never required the same of my brother to go to my HS or undergrad or graduate school graduation. My dad didn't even show up for my grad school graduation. My successes never mattered. But for some reason I'm supposed to celebrate my brother's minor successes while my major accomplishments go mostly unnoticed by my family. My dad has never even said he's proud of me. If I show him something I've done, all he does is find fault with it. Anyways.

So about 18 months ago, my brother got into a serious motorcycle accident and almost lost his leg. He's had like 20 some odd surgeries to save his leg. He's been on disability ever since. He's not in any kind of financial straits or anything because the other driver's insurance is paying for everything.

My mother and father and other brother ran to his side. I understand this, he was in the hospital, it was necessary. He needed their help. The following Thanksgiving, my mother posted on Facebook how she was especially grateful that B was alive and had survived the accident.

Now, maybe I'm being petty, but the same year that B had his accident, I was hospitalized something like 7 times for depression and PTSD. And they weren't short stays. I spent a month in a residential treatment facility trying to find the will to live. I went through an intense partial hospitalization program. In short, I came very close to dying that year. In large part, because of the abuse of my brother. And my mother has never said one word about how thankful she is that I'm recovering from my illness.

My illness doesn't matter.

When my B was recovering at one point, I was driving through town and wanted to stop in for a visit, on my way to a job interview in another city. He refused to see me, because of my service dog. Also, my father and I had another falling out (I have continually tried to mend the relationship with my father even though he doesn't deserve it and continually abandons me). I know that my father probably has told lies to B about what happened, and so B is siding with my father and not having contact with me. I do owe my father some money for helping with my medical treatment from when I was hospitalized all those times, but we agreed that I would start paying him back when I could. He knew it wouldn't be right away, and even though I can't start yet, I'm trying to get through 18 months being back to work then going to start making payments towards paying him back and getting rid of that debt. So my asshole brother doesn't want contact with me. This doesn't necessarily bother me except it does sting a little that I've tried to be the bigger person by wanting to come by and see him during his recovery and then this asshole has the nerve to treat ME like I'VE done something wrong? Whatever happened between my father and me happened between my father and me. It's not his business. Of course, I assume he believes, like my father, that I don't really have depression or PTSD, and that I was just self-harming and trying to commit suicide to get attention.

At this point I have cut him out of my life. My mother doesn't understand that I don't have contact with him nor do I want to know anything about him. To put it bluntly, I don't care. I don't care about his leg, I don't care about his accident. Sure, I'm glad he's alive, but I'd say that about anyone who survived an accident. Life is always better than death.

My point is, I've been holding onto the hurt I've felt about that Thanksgiving post for a year now. It really hurt me that I had nearly died many times in that year, and yet she could only post about how she was grateful about B.

I made it through an extremely dark time in my life with basically no family support, and then my family can't even be glad I'm alive?!

I don't want to cut my mother off, she's the only one in my family that I'm not estranged from. I no longer speak to my father or either of my brothers, because of the family trauma and rampant untreated mental illness in my family. In fact, I just started having contact with her again some months before my brother's accident. I had stopped having contact with her because she was excessively abusive one holiday when I came to visit her and refused to acknowledge the things she said or did, and I told her that I wouldn't have contact with her unless I knew she was receiving treatment for her problems. Time passed, she sought help, I kept my end of the bargain. But I wouldn't be around her any longer and allow her to abuse me.

To be honest, I'm realizing right now that the healthiest times of my life have been when I had no contact with most of my family.

So what do I do about this pain that I feel about how my mother has responded to B's situation and mine? I sort of want to confront her about it. I kind of want to say, do you remember when you posted this? It really hurt my feelings that that was the only thing you were especially grateful for when I just spent a year being hospitalized 7 times and put all these scars on my body.

Thoughts?

Seesaw

Hi seesaw....I have lots of thoughts on this matter and you already know I can empathize with your experience. I'm very sick right now so I will come back and reply later. For now I just want to give you a big hug and tell you how sorry I am that you went through this and continue to battle the aftershocks (((hugs))))

Thanks, Elsa. I know it was a long post. I just wanted to try and give as full a picture I could of why I was feeling the way I do about it.

I'm sorry to hear how painful this has been for you, seesaw ...

I was abused by my parents and siblings for 33.5 years and developed C-PTSD as a result thereof ... My mother and her favorite son were my primary abusers, but my father and other two siblings also contributed their fair share!

I no longer have contact with any of my family, but when I first went into recovery, I tried to get them involved in the process and eventually had to just let them all go because they refused to see how the things they did contributed to me developing my condition ... Also, they continued being manipulative and abusive too, which only served to undermine my recovery process!

You mentioned you wanted to confront your mother, and I can see the importance of that, but keep in mind that most likely she will not come around, and she may even get defensive and say some pretty hurtful things that will only serve to wound you more.

If you decide to confront her, try to remember to use "I" statements instead of "You" statements and do your best to not allow her to sidetrack you from the point you are trying to make ... Write it out and rehearse it to a mirror or a friend (or your support pup even) ... When you feel you are ready, perhaps y'all can meet one on one in a quite corner of a cafe or restaurant or park ... Somewhere you feel safe and on neutral ground.

I remember the last meeting with my parents, and while it didn't turn out as I had hoped, it sent the message loud and clear to me that the only one I could save from that living hell I grew up in was me, and it was then I started focusing more on me and my recovery and less on them and their unwillingness to even try being less toxic and abusive!

I still suffer the ravages of a loveless childhood and it can be so excruciatingly painful at times that I almost wish I'd never survived it ... But, here I am, and for the most part I'm glad I did survive it and didn't become it ... I just wish I didn't have to battle all the demons it imparted and bestowed because no child deserves to endure it ... Much less have to spend the remainder of their lives trying to overcome it.

I wish you the best, and again, it really hurts my heart to know that you are having to wrestle with these things as well ... It leaves a big old hole to the bottom of the soul ...

If you ever get a chance to read this book by Pete Walker, it will help explain how toxic parenting can also set up a pathological sibling rivalry ...



I've read three really good books on all this, and while I've gained much knowledge and insight, sadly it hasn't made the recovery process any less painful.

Sincerely,
Pfrog!

Thanks, Pfrog!

You are welcome, seesaw, and I hope the best for you!

Pfrog makes good suggestions. Focus on how you feel and explain that to your mom. Avoid outright blame and focus on resolutions. Definately use "I" statements instead of "you"

I think you need to be completely honest with your mom and find out where she stands. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

I think it's important you confront with your mother.. or at least I don't really see any other solution..

You can do it!

I am having family dynamic problems myself. I'm disowning them.

Sending good thoughts and prayers your way. My only thought on how to repair communication with your mother is to involve a third party- a therapist. It seems a kind and unbiased T could do a lot here, maybe? I'm very close with my mother and brother but my father, who still lives with them, has always been abusive to me. I work around it by pretending he doesn't exist as much as possible, since I'm NC with him. It's awkward and my mom and I have words over it once or twice a year but for the most part it works.

I guess I will never understand why children always want to beat a dead horse when it comes to their family. It took me a really long time to distance myself from my abusive mother, but I finally broke free. She died and I was relieved and happy. I never confronted her, the fear was too great, but she had to have known what a crappy mother and person she really was.
If confronting her will help you, then go for it I guess. But, at some point you will have to accept what she really is...probably a narcissist and someone who shouldn't have procreated.
As a parent, I love both my daughters equally and I believe most "normal" parents feel the same. Yours didn't love you that way and I am sorry for you. But until you accept the fact that you can't change the past and the future with them looks very bleak, you will not be free to love and live your remaining life happily.
I don't mean to sound cruel and I hope you can see where I am coming from. I wish you all the best in eliminating this source of pain from your life. I don't think therapy will fix this, but it may help you to find a resolution to your angst.

Every once in a great while I still re-discover a few tears while pondering myself and my "daddy", and I can easily understand why you, SeeSaw, do not want estrangement from your mother. I was never able to get back to the place with either of my parents where I could trust them with "Daddy!" or "Mommy!" and a hug from me like when I was young, but I did ultimately "forgive and forget" in at least the simplest sense for the sake of their own dignity as quite-fallible human beings. My mother was never able to see her errors because she refused to believe her own parents ever made any, and the best my father could ever offer was to admit something like "I suppose some of the things I did back then might be considered abuse today." Grieving for them was my only salvation there, and thus will it ever be.

I am so sorry. My t said that sometimes we have to accept that some people are too unhealthy and will never change and there is no point in trying. She also says that it's ok to limit interaction with toxic people. Some things are just how they are and we have to accept. It's very sad but you have to worry about your own health and peace of mind first. Hugs. It's tough ��