[prin969]

I'm just wondering if any of you have problems with anxiety in your relationships? ex. today he asked if I was ok if he hung out with his friend instead of visiting me at work while my client is napping. My brain instantly says "he doesn't want to spend time with me." when I know that's not true he just has other people in his life too. I used to consider myself pretty level headed, of course he can spend time with his friend! But now it's like I FEEL anxious even though my mind wants him to be happy with his friend. How can I not feel anxious?

[divine1966]

I don't believe people need to be spending 24/7 with each other and certainly need to spend time with friends or pursuing hobbies etc But it's a bit different than cancelling on each other in order to see friends. It's ok to cancel to take someone to the hospital. It's different to cancel to hang out with friends. I dont know if I would feel anxious but red flag would go up. Canceling plans is not ok

[prin969]

Well, we hadn't settled on the plans yet. I had invited him but he hadn't said he was coming or not. It was VERY understandable for him to spend time with his friend. The issue is what my brain/feelings or whatever do after he asks to... I want to find ways to cope with my anxiety better.

[Bill3]

How do you cope with it now?

[amandalouise]

heres a thought ... here in america its against the ethics rules, and breach of confidentiality if someone invited someone else to spend time with them while their client was asleep...like a therapist or care taker. usually what happens here in america is the care taker or other person acting in their professional role does not invite others over during work hours. they usually make plans for after work and in a place where it doesnt violate their clients rights to confidentiality.

my suggestion is maybe check with your boss first to make sure that inviting your friends and family over to a clients home or where ever the client is during nap times is not a violation of work ethics and confidentiality of the client.

then since you do understand the person you love does have other friends and family that they may want to spend time with them when you are at work you and your loved one can make an agreement that they will not come to your work, and make a schedule of when you and this person can get together... example maybe your plan can say something like every (name a day that you know you are free from work) so and so and you can do something together. that way you know already when you and this person will be getting together and your mind wont race with thoughts when you are working. because you already set a planned get together when you are not working.

[prin969]

I feel anxious and then try to convince myself of the logical reasons I shouldn't feel anxious and I usually still feel anxious but hope it will pass soon. I also struggle with feeling like I want to do the same thing back. Like, if he doesn't want to spend time with me I don't want to spend time with him. (Even if I do).
If he pulls back at all (aka wants to do something without me) I kind of panic and want to push him away so that I can prove to myself I'm not dependent on someone b/c I hate feeling anxious b/c of him.
I know this all sounds a little jumbled and confusing but he is a really great guy, and I used to feel so much more stable and level headed than I do now (anxiety is a recent thing in my life) which makes this all the more scary and confusing for me... I don't want to feel this way and I know it's not logical.

[Bill3]

Instead of trying to stop the anxiety, you could acknowledge and examine it.

But not let it keep you from your goals.

You could say "Ah anxiety, here you are again. You always show up when he is with his friend." You could then carry on with your life, sort of towing the anxiety along.

And not judge yourself for it.

If anxiety is becoming an increasing issue, would you consider seeing a therapist about it? There are many ways to treat anxiety.

[Crazy Hitch]

Do you have previous abandonment / trust issues from prior relationships / family ?

I'm just trying to see if this is stemming from something much deeper.

[divine1966]

I personally felt anxious in relationships when I subcinciously knew that something is wrong. So my guts were telling me something. When I've met husband and never felt anxious because my guts were not sending me any messages. My guts knew it was right. It is important to trust your guts. Maybe rather than trying to stop being anxious examine what's going on etc are you seeing a therapist? Also how long have you been seeing this person? Is this a new relationship?

[prin969]

The family my client lives with is a family friend and they are totally good with him coming over. It's a very laid back atmosphere not the typical home care scenario. Ex. They often invite me to stay for dinner after work, she borrowed my car once when her's broke down (the mom of the family not the client). That is a good idea to set certain times wherever possible.
I think acknowledging the anxiety and accepting it would be extremely helpful. As of right now I feel it coming and then try to shove it back down before it gets too much and that usually fails. And then I have negative thoughts towards myself b/c I should have been stronger.
We've been dating for a year. But the problem here is definitely with me not him.
I do have some abandonment issues b/c of my Mom...