I'm writing this tonight because I'm having a bit of an anxiety spike following a pleasant afternoon with a friend.

We hadn't seen each other in a long while and tbh I had wondered if this friendship was going to drift away (like so many seem to have over the years), but I'm fond of this woman and have endeavoured to stay in touch. We used to run together years ago, and had some pretty deep conversations over the miles as well as some good laughs, running together can be a bonding thing that way. She's a nice, kind, thoughtful person. I'm always a little surprised people like her want to be my friend.

So after a long time we finally got together and it was good to see her and hear her family news, over the course of the afternoon I did outpour a few of the not so nice things that have befell my family over the last year - some of it was quite deep and dark (mh issues). She listened and gave some considered sensitive responses but she did seem a little floored - maybe I'm overanalysing it.

Trust and disclosure is anxiety making for me, I want to confide but historically have rarely been able to - there are very few people I will trust with the inner me. Then when I do I reproach myself and worry about what I've said. I get myself into such a knot over it sometimes I think it's best to never disclose at all.

[Skeezyks]

Hello prefabsprout: Well... the Skeezyks just keeps to himself. I've never been one to share what I carry around inside. I learned at a very early age (I don't know how) that this was not something one did. A few years ago now, I decided maybe it was time to try being more open. But no one wanted to hear it. So now I'm just back to keeping it all to myself. I hope you are able to have continued opportunities to spend time with your friend. It's a good thing.

[gayleggg]

I too second guess myself after sharing with others. It has caused me a lot of miserable times of worry. But it sounds like you have found an understanding friend. Keep her close because you don't find them often.

In my opinion, it's better to keep your weaknesses to yourself, at least in real life. Keep a good image of yourself in people's mind. People might appear supportive, but I doubt they are not judgmental, even if they don't say anything at the time. Even in the cyber world, I don't think people aren't judgmental. I was here before, and some people were telling me to get real, that more people are worse than me as if my emotions weren't valid!! Others used my posts about my weaknesses against me to tell me when it wan't the place that I'm socially inept!!

Originally Posted by prefabsprout

So after a long time we finally got together and it was good to see her and hear her family news, over the course of the afternoon I did outpour a few of the not so nice things that have befell my family over the last year - some of it was quite deep and dark (mh issues). She listened and gave some considered sensitive responses but she did seem a little floored - maybe I'm overanalysing it.

Trust and disclosure is anxiety making for me, I want to confide but historically have rarely been able to - there are very few people I will trust with the inner me. Then when I do I reproach myself and worry about what I've said. I get myself into such a knot over it sometimes I think it's best to never disclose at all.

I am proud of you for taking a chance. Perhaps she was just surprised and needs time to process the information. I think it is wonderful that she listened! Many people (non PC types) are uncomfortable about speaking of these things.

It is probably a good practice not to overshare but it is also important to have people you can confide in. I think you showed very good judgement.

[Fuzzybear]

Keep your good friend close......

I too am proud of you for taking a chance

Originally Posted by Lonely Warrior

In my opinion, it's better to keep your weaknesses to yourself, at least in real life. Keep a good image of yourself in people's mind. People might appear supportive, but I doubt they are not judgmental, even if they don't say anything at the time. Even in the cyber world, I don't think people aren't judgmental. I was here before, and some people were telling me to get real, that more people are worse than me as if my emotions weren't valid!! Others used my posts about my weaknesses against me to tell me when it wan't the place that I'm socially inept!!

I'm sorry you had that experience on PC, and I'm glad you came back.

Thanks for your reply, I do think we are all judgemental to some degree but in my experience with good friends even though we are aware of flaws there is this overriding love that makes them lessen - if that makes sense. That's how I feel about my friends anyway.

IMO it's easier for people to make snap judgements on the internet, because all we see is it typed up in black & white - not the whole person and their life who we cannot possibly know. I try to be cautious in my responses on here because of that.

Personally, when I tell my weaknesses, my image of myself changes immediately, even if others don't judge me by their mouth or by their behavior toward me. That's why I don't agree that it was a good decision for me to come back, because actually I feel worse now. Maybe others find these forums useful, and that's a good thing. But for me, I don't. It's my issue I guess.

Originally Posted by Lonely Warrior

Personally, when I tell my weaknesses, my image of myself changes immediately, even if others don't judge me by their mouth or by their behavior toward me. That's why I don't agree that it was a good decision for me to come back, because actually I feel worse now. Maybe others find these forums useful, and that's a good thing. But for me, I don't. It's my issue I guess.

It's not for everyone, and at times it hasn't always been helpful for me either.

At least you have learned something useful about your own triggers in this way.

[Open Eyes]

One is always taking a chance when discussing personal challenges with others be it with friends, family members, spouces, or even on a site like this one. That doesn't mean a person is unworthy of getting support and having a presence that will sit and listen. The risk is in "if" the people one tries to trust with a challenge "know" how to be helpful and supportive no matter what the challenge might be.

When people back off after trusting them with private challenges it doesn't mean they suddenly don't like you, instead it often means they don't know how to help you, what to say or how to problem solve with you on the challenges you may be having. Sitting with a friend or individual that is struggling and "helping" that person is actually a skill that a lot of people simply lack, no one taught them "how" to do that.

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by Lonely Warrior

Personally, when I tell my weaknesses, my image of myself changes immediately, even if others don't judge me by their mouth or by their behavior toward me. That's why I don't agree that it was a good decision for me to come back, because actually I feel worse now. Maybe others find these forums useful, and that's a good thing. But for me, I don't. It's my issue I guess.

The reason your image of yourself changes and you begin to feel bad or weak is because often we are told to think it's a bad thing when we struggle and to either "man up" or "put your big girl panties on and just".

Unfortunately, human beings can be selfish, mean, critical and insensitive. Often people only know how to feel good about themselves if they feel they are better than. It never occurs to a lot of people that strength and value can actually come from developing strengths and helping others do the same.

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

One is always taking a chance when discussing personal challenges with others be it with friends, family members, spouces, or even on a site like this one. That doesn't mean a person is unworthy of getting support and having a presence that will sit and listen. The risk is in "if" the people one tries to trust with a challenge "know" how to be helpful and supportive no matter what the challenge might be.

When people back off after trusting them with private challenges it doesn't mean they suddenly don't like you, instead it often means they don't know how to help you, what to say or how to problem solve with you on the challenges you may be having. Sitting with a friend or individual that is struggling and "helping" that person is actually a skill that a lot of people simply lack, no one taught them "how" to do that.

Thanks Open Eyes, that is very true. I'm not sure if she will back off or not, she is the kind of person who gives off 'open' vibes (she was a nurse) and I think she's pretty open minded so I'm hoping she's okay with me offloading a little.

I've decided I won't worry about this, I think ours is the kind of friendship where we will drift in and out of each other's lives (it was a long time since we'd seen each other) but hopefully we can keep an open dialogue between each other when we do meet up.

I really appreciate the support and thoughtful posts - thanks!

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

The reason your image of yourself changes and you begin to feel bad or weak is because often we are told to think it's a bad thing when we struggle and to either "man up" or "put your big girl panties on and just".

Unfortunately, human beings can be selfish, mean, critical and insensitive. Often people only know how to feel good about themselves if they feel they are better than. It never occurs to a lot of people that strength and value can actually come from developing strengths and helping others do the same.

I agree, I don't think struggles are weaknesses either - some people have more challenges than others and we all try to get by in our own way.

Lonely warrior, I read your posts and I don't think you are weak in disclosing as you have done, I think that is bravery.