[bellaviolet]

i only have a couple close friends, whom i've known a long time and am comfortable around and feel no tension at all with. well recently i've started spending time with a few of my coworkers, and i notice that they make a lot of comments about how tense i always am and stuff...... i find it very hard to relax and be myself around them, even though they are all very open and try to draw me in. they'll be sprawled on the bed, and i'm standing to the side clutching my pack until one of them says "you need to relax a little, come sit with us". last night one of them said to me, "are you not comfortable here? would you rather be at home?" i didn't know how to answer. i spend so much time at home alone that it feels like its my place to be, and it feels unnatural to be social (plus i'm not very good at it). at the same time, i was really enjoying spending time with them, yet i was there 2 hours before i was finally able to loosen up a little.... its frustrating because i want to be more comfortable in social situations and with new people, and i like these women, but its just so hard for me to just relax and to get close with people. i don't get it.

[Direction]

I can relate...other than I don't have really any one IRL seeking my friendship...guess I've built my walls to high...I have alienated the few people that have reached out IRL and here...

Right now I'm feeling it...I can offer a hand to hold for comfort.

[MyBestKids2]

When I was in a residential facility, one of the couselors asked if he could put a ladder up to my wall, I responded "Nope, because theres a roof".

[dorsey555]

bellaviolet,
I can relate, sometimes when I'm around people I can't wait to go home and be alone, where I don't feel that tension. I lived a life of high anxiety, it was all I knew. Recently my pdoc perscribed an anxiety med, busbar. I've been on it for 3 weeks and I've had some rough days, but I feel so much more comfortable in my own skin and around others. Maybe a lot of our tension and difficulty is chemical. Sometimes I think, "happiness is the result of stable brain chemicals." It's not that simple, but then it feels that way sometimes. Go at your own pace. The fact that you are "showing up." Take baby steps and be gentle on yourself, you're worth it.
dorsey

[Wants2Fly]

I can relate to your situation, Bellaviolet. I don't have a solution, just a hug.

(((((((((((((Bellaviolet)))))))))))))))))

[debbie_tabor]

I know the struggle bellaviolet. I say that if you like them then persevere, and it will most likely get easier over time. The meds could help too.
It gets easier slowly. I met up with people from where I used to work and felt SO comfortable with them. It had felt really difficult for a looong time while I was there.
Good Luck!

[beautifulconfusion]

bellaviolet,

First off -- major kudos for putting yourself out there & spending time with new people. I hope that over time it will get easier for you... keep trying, you're already doing great!

I'm a bit of a recluse myself -- on all but my best days, just the thought of being around anyone other than my 2 best friends terrifies me! So I guess I don't have much to offer in the way of advice.... just encouragement & good wishes...

Oh, one other thought.... try to keep in mind that it's your social anxiety that is making you feel uncomfortable, it's not because you're inferior or weird or unworthy (it's taken me YEARS to figure that one out... still struggling, obviously! lol) You're a good person who is worth knowing, and you deserve to have friends & love in your life! Good luck, I'm wishing you all the best...

[debbie_tabor]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Oh, one other thought.... try to keep in mind that it's your social anxiety that is making you feel uncomfortable, it's not because you're inferior or weird or unworthy (it's taken me YEARS to figure that one out... still struggling, obviously! lol) You're a good person who is worth knowing, and you deserve to have friends & love in your life!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

That is a REALLY GOOD point you made BC. This is the crux of the matter with social phobia, and it's taken me a while to work out too.

[bellaviolet]

thank you direction...... *takes the offered hand*........

[bellaviolet]

((((mybestkids2))))

mine has a roof too. it gets leaky sometimes when i'm feeling bold..... then i have to patch it up and make it watertight again.....

[bellaviolet]

dorsey.... boy, i feel you. sometimes i feel that way around those closest to me, even my brother: get me home where i'm safe. i have major trust issues, plus self esteem problems so i expect everyone to not want me around. stupid and pathetic, i know. i've never been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, just depression, but i do have major anxiety alot of the time and if i were to actually be brave enough to see a t/pdoc an anxiety dx wouldn't surprise me.

anyway thank you..... i want to keep trying, i just seem to psych myself out myself constantly, thinking people don't really want me around....

[bellaviolet]

(((((((((((wants2fly))))))))))))

thank you for the hug........ i can always use those......

[bellaviolet]

thank you debbie....... want to keep trying....... hope i don't shoot myself in the foot......

[bellaviolet]

beautifulconfusion....... thank you......... good point about the social anxiety, i try to tell myself that but too often i still end up feeling inferior and weird and unworthy....... that's why i'm almost always alone. my feelings were hurt last night when my best friend of 5 years wouldnt let me help him clean up after dinner..... that's just how ridiculous i can be.......

[eskielover]

Bellaviolet,

Let me just add another point to the socialization issue. It is something I went through when I was younger. I was working in a new place & wanted to fit in & socialize with the people I worked with, thinking it would be a nice place to socialize since I didn't have friends & usually stayed pretty much to myself.

We worked from 6pm to 6am & afterwards they would drive to a house close to work. They had pot, & liquor & that was their socialization. Now, I didn't fit into that scene at all, but I could have forced myself to fit in because I felt like I wanted to fit in so bad.

What I am trying to say, is that you have to be ok with the socialization that is going on in the group you are with before you ever will be comfortable with the people. It isn't something you should force yourself into if your values don't match those you are socializing with.

I am sure those people saw me as an uptight young female....& that is exactly what I was because I didn't fit into the scene I was trying to get involved in. I had to know myself & my values & not go back into that socializing just because I felt I needed to.

Take care of yourself & your feelings first & then if you feel comfortable being around what is going on, then you can be comfortable with the people.

Hope this makes some sense,
Debbie

[bellaviolet]

thanks debbie........ i do like these people, & we have things in common, i am just so unsure of myself and can't seem to be assertive at all. i'm like the omega wolf, the lowest ranking pack member. anyway thats how i feel alot of the time. i know its wrong but damned if i know how to fix it.

[uhusti]

I am finishing my PhD in psychology so I have a lot of experience with people dealing with this type of problem. The statement below is based off of the assumption that you enjoy the company of your coworkers.
Sounds like you may have social anxiety disorder, and may suffer from agoraphobia (fear of certain situations). One of the best treatments for this type of disorder confronting and conquering. Meaning, do not shy away from uncomfortable situations, place yourself in them and figure out ways to deal with them effectively. For example, if you start to get nervous try to redirect you thought process and tell yourself that you are thankful and relieved to have friends and the opportunity to enjoy dinner with them. Try to make the most out of all situations and live life to the fullest.

Good luck