One Sided Conversations

I often find myself in one sided conversations with my parents. I let them do all the talking because I've learned that it's not worth it bringing up my thoughts. They're just going to say they don't agree with me and that I need to do it their way.

Last night I found myself falling into the pattern of listening to my mom explain to me why I need to study all day on Christmas Eve after I told her I planned to study for a half day and visit my boyfriend in the evening.

I didn't say anything to stand up for myself. Nothing about being stressed and burned out. Nothing about how I hated it when she nags me and that it brings me down to hear her disapproval all the time. Nothing about how I have my study plan already scheduled and I had built in enough buffer time to take a break.

I just nodded silently and went back to my room to cry. It must have been an hour of intense crying. Needless to say, I got no studying done. I also made sure to cry silently so that my parents couldn't hear my sniffling.

My friends think I need to start standing up for myself. I need to express my opinions. One sided conversations where all I do is listen and not say what I think is unhealthy for me and for my parents because then they start thinking I am OK when I'm really not. It leads to unreasonable expectations.

I wanted some advice on how to speak up when I know my opinion will get shot down. Is there anything I can do to increase my confidence? My fear of speaking up for myself is so intense...but I don't want this fear to continue controlling my life

I wish to draw attention to your comment about studying. I ask how old are you? School? College?

You do have some resources at hand. Whether high school or university/college there will be counseling services provided. In highschool this is usually a Guidance Counselor. If you are lucky, there may even be a Peer Support system. Even if it is only to vent, these services can help you - whether it be coaching you on how to broach the topic and have a conversation with your parents or referring you to additional help. In some cases, they can advocate for you on your behalf.

I am guessing you are at an age where your need for independence clashes with their 'last ditch' need to hang onto their child. This is diffult on both sides of the equation. As a parent, it was really hard for me to sit back and allow my children to make their own choices. It was all I could do to sometimes even refrain from catching them when they occasionally fell from making a mistake. Unfortunately not all parents feel able to have a hands off approach.

Again, if you feel unable to have 'that' conversation with them, seek out resources that might help or even coach you in doing so.

Regarding this studying thing, I suggest asking your parents what their expectations are on the matter. Inform them of your own needs and make sure you come to the conversation with a plan. I know such coversations went a lot easier in my household when my children did so. You may have to come to the middle ground.

I've already graduated college and been working full time for two years. I'm studying for a four part license exam that is really difficult to pass. Each part has passage rates of 40-45%. I'm currently scheduled to take two parts the first week of January. I've been studying after work and on weekends for 30 hours a week for about a month straight now on top of the usual 40 hours of work.

My parents expectations of me are that I pass every part on the first try. That I don't let any distractions stray me away from studying. And that I don't waste time.

I am 24, which is probably past the age of independence.. my parents are Asian.

Okay I'm a mother of an almost grown up kid and I understand that your parents want the best for you, and this is the way they think you will achieve it. However over-study can be detrimental both to wellbeing and performance.

Maybe you could approach them in a calm moment and explain calmly how you felt when they insisted you study all day when you were clearly tired and needed a break for your own wellbeing. If you feel able to tell them you were so tired and run down that you cried for an hour and couldn't focus to study. You need to give them the full picture to give them the opportunity to understand, they can't know if you don't tell them. If you feel it's difficult to verbalise maybe writing it down in a letter will work better for you, again write factually and calmly.

Good luck with this.

It always amazes me how other people have such obedient children. I could barely tell my daughter what to do st 5 let alone 24. At 24 you aren't obligated to listen to them at all. In fact you can move out

There are two different issues here. The ability to speak up to your parents is one issue. The ability to study in the way that you need to is another. The issues overlap but are two distinct issues in my opinion.

In general with regard to your speaking to your parents. A main way you can build confidence is by getting some experience with speaking up. It is a chicken/egg, Catch-22 problem: you need confidence to speak up, but you get confidence from speaking up. Still, you need to start somewhere.

You could start with "small" things. "No thank you, I do not care for more food." "I am going to the store now, not in an hour."

It is not going to be easy to go against their wishes, even in small things. But small things could be a good way to start. Start with the smallest you can think of.

With regard to the distinct issue of how to study for your exams: I am not optimistic that you will actually get anywhere by bringing up your stress or how you hate the way she is acting. I'm sorry to say that, but here is how I see it: the exam is a short-term issue. Her behavior is a longer term issue. To do your best on the exam, you need to be able to focus on that, rather than to devote yourself to a longer-term project that will involve engaging her on the bigger issues. Therefore, my suggestion is the following:

"Mom, my studying is under control."

Repeat as often as needed. You could vary the words, but not the message.

"I am following my plan."
"I have it under control."
"I am on track."
etc.

If you are able to leave the room and thereby end the conversation, do so.

When you say that you are not okay, what do you mean? Do you feel suicidal now?

(((((connect.the.stars))))) (((((connect.the.stars)))))

Thank you for the detailed insight Bill.

Yes I guess I need to start somewhere although I'm usually the "loser" when it's small things too. "No I don't want more food." Then my dad insists I eat more and forces another piece of meat into my bowl. Silly things like that, do they help build confidence even if nothing happens when I speak up?

Ok, I also figured I should just focus on my exam and not engage her in such a difficult conversation. Her behavior was just distracting me a lot, but if I am able to end the conversation more quickly, I think this approach would work.

What I meant by "not ok" is they have never seen how depression has affected me. They never witnessed me crying so hard to the point I couldn't breathe. They never knew I went to see a therapist for a year. They never understood how I hit rock bottom or how I was able to recover from the fall and become functional again. So they essentially don't understand how I can be triggered by certain things they say -- hence they think I'm doing perfectly fine when I actually have to struggle to control my depressed emotions.

Right now I occasionally have suicidal thoughts, but it has gotten nowhere close to the pervasiveness that it used to be. Please don't worry about me, I don't have any suicidal intentions. I am doing much much better than I used to be.

I am sorry your parents keep making demands on you and continue to tell you what to do. Sometimes this is a cultural thing where parents are trained to believe they know what's best for their child at any age. Parent's like this can get stuck in a "role playing" mentality and as you are discovering for yourself, this is only frustrating you and hurting you because you are at a point in your life where "you" want to make your own decisions.

It's common that a parent/parents get used to telling their child what to do and it can become a habit that can get to a point where the child at any age can become very frustrated to the point where they want to get away from that parent's control.

What you are experiencing in your being frustrated is actually "healthy". You don't want your parents to run you life for the rest of your life. Your frustrations mean you are really ready to be on your own. This last bit where you are probably living with them because of finances and that you need to get this last part over with sounds like it's clearly frustrating you. Well, I doubt you are going to change your parents at this point. Instead, the best thing to do is recognize this as being "their" pattern of behavior that won't change and it has nothing to do with your true "self worth".

I'm really sorry you're struggling so much. I think talking with them is the best solution for now..

Nothing changes until it changes. I know you're really upset at the moment but you need to take small steps to stand up to your parents. You are a grown woman and you can be strong. It's probably a waste of time to argue with them or try to change them. Just calmly do what YOU decide to do and what's best for you and ignore them. If you want to study then study. If you want to go out...go out. So what if your dad puts another piece of meat in your bowl? Just don't eat it. Once you start taking small steps the fear will fade away and it will become easier to take a stand on more serious issues.