[SarahK]

My boyfriend (well, my now ex-boyfriend) broke up with me a few months ago. We had taken a short break, at his request, in February, but got back together. Then, a few months ago, he said the relationship wasn't working for him and he ended things.

Background: I had been laid off from my job and was really struggling. He eventually told me that he broke up with me because my depression over that was too much for him to handle.

All I want to do is “fix” things. I'm so sad and can't seem to move forward. I can't stop replaying everything over and over in my head and wishing I would have done things differently. I am so mad at myself for causing the breakup with my sadness.

We had tried to be friends after the breakup, but then he decided we needed more time apart. That was four months ago. I think the ball is supposed to be in his court. Still, I constantly want to reach out to him. The only reason I don’t is that I’m afraid he’ll say he doesn’t want to see me at all and I’ll feel even worse.

There's no one else around I feel as comfortable with as I did with him. It kills me that he's not in my life. I want him to know how much I miss him, but I don't know how well that will go over. I know he's done a much better job of moving on that I have.

Is there ever a time to ask for another chance? Will doing that just push him away? Is there a good approach for getting a guy back in your life?

Any advice on how to feel better? I read books on breakups. Try to meditate. See a therapist. But nothing seems to work. I still cry every day. I feel like I’m being torn apart.

[Hairball]

Sarah,
Let me ask u a question, do u really want to be with someone that will leave when u are down and dealing with something? U deserve more than that.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

I agree with hairball. I'm bipolar and my bf has stuck with me through the darkest depression to dangerous highs and two trips to IP. He's been there and supportive every step of the way. And if someone did leave me for being down, I'd never want them back in my life because eventually you're going to get sad or depressed again and then what? I know you miss him and it takes time. But you deserve someone that's supportive and loves you no matter what.

[Bill3]

I am very sorry for your loss.



It sounds like you are grieving this major loss. How does your therapist try to help you and how helpful have you found her/him during this time of intense grief?

[divine1966]

My therapist suggests staying busy and not indulge in too much idle time. Are you staying busy? I am sorry you are struggling but you are better off without this guy

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm really sorry Try to find some distractions.. maybe that could help? Idk

[Shazerac]

sorry you are so sad.

This guy breaking it off from you when you were so down does not bode well. Maybe you could talk your therapist about why you want him back. I Know there is an empty spot in your heart right now but it will get better.

[fairydustgirl]

I'm so sorry you are going through so much pain...I am in that place now, it's only been two weeks but I know it's going to get worse before it gets better. I've been through this before, 10 years ago. I always think, if I could survive that, I can survive anything.

You will too. It will get better. I don't have any good advice as to make it all better. In my case, it took 7 months, therapy and medications to get to a stable place. There was no going back to the relationship so no choice in moving forward. It's all one step at a time, one minute at a time. Until you get back to a stable place where you can breathe again.

All my best to you. Prayers for our healing hearts

[SarahK]

Thanks so much for all the caring responses.

I have talked about this with my therapist for what seems like forever. But, Shazerac, I think your idea is a good one. I need to discuss / try to figure out why I want him back. I’m very focused on the idea of getting him back, but maybe I need to figure out why I so strongly don’t want to move on. Of course, just writing that down stresses me. I hate the idea of not being with this man. I’m not comfortable with many people and I was able to relax and be myself around him. I’m afraid I’ll never find that again.

I do think me being depressed was hard on both of us. At the same time, he’s been depressed before (in fact, I was with him when he went through a really hard time) so I thought he would understand and give me time to get better. Like many of you said, I shouldn’t want to be with someone who didn’t stick with me during my own hard time. But what I usually think is, “Why didn’t I do a better job dealing with things? If only I had hadn’t let myself get so sad, I wouldn’t have prompted the breakup.” I also spend a lot of time thinking, “People get back together. Why can’t we?”

I’m not sure how I know when something is really over. I’d love advice on that.

In my mind, I keep giving him the benefit of the doubt. Just like I think I could do better, I think he could do better, too. He’s a recovering alcoholic (he’s been sober about two years) so I think he still sometimes struggles with how to handle challenging things as a sober person.

My ex-boyfriend and I knew each other for 13 years before we became a romantic couple. We very rarely fought. I don’t know how he’s ok with just cutting me out of his life. I want to contact him all the time. I keep thinking that talking things through with him will make me feel better. But the male friend I told about this says it will only set me back. And this friend says contacting my ex will just push him away, that it will make me look pathetic. Do you guys agree?

Bill3, I haven’t found much that seems to help with this intense grief. Others here have suggested keeping busy, which is what my therapist also suggests. But, no matter what I’m doing, something will trigger my brain to think about this man. I can’t get away from these thoughts. They are almost constant. And the thoughts make me so sad.

Fairydustgirl, I’m sorry to hear you’re also going through a hard time. Trying to live one step at a time, one minute at a time is excruciating.

[Bill3]

I keep thinking that talking things through with him will make me feel better. But the male friend I told about this says it will only set me back.

I agree with your friend. It seems to me that talking with him will further inflame your intense desire to reunite with him, at a time when he has given no sign that he wants to reunite. (This is why I do not favour trying to be friends with an ex.)

And this friend says contacting my ex will just push him away, that it will make me look pathetic. Do you guys agree?

He was unable to accept your depression and neediness. Coming back and giving out that you desperately need him seems to me to be likely to remind him of why he broke off with you.

I haven’t found much that seems to help with this intense grief.

It is hard to say this to you, and I expect hard to hear, but four months is not a long time when it comes to intense grief. I am sorry to say that you may just have to live through it for longer before you can get some relief. When my father died, for example, it took over six months to regain any sort of basic normalcy in my life.

There are therapists who specialise in working with clients who are grieving. If your therapist is not such a person, and if you can find such a therapist in your area, what would you think of a meeting so as to see whether he/she might be able to help you?

[SarahK]

Thanks, Bill3.

Yes. I would likely be drawn to him if I could see him. Of course, in my mind, he'd be drawn to me as well and realize we had a good relationship and want to try it again. This is what my brain is thinking these days, as crazy as it seems. And even though it may be crazy, it seems plausible to me. People get back together. Why can't we be among them?

I can't stop keep thinking none of this would have happened if I had handled my depression over my job loss better. Doing that would have been so much easier than losing my boyfriend, too. I'm really mad at myself for this.

I do fear what you say -- that if I reached out to him and he thought I was still sad, this might push him away even more.

But as we sit here at the beginning of a new year, I'm obsessed with the idea that it's a good time to reach out and ask for bygones to be bygones. I want to say, "It's a new year. And I'd like to have you in my life." Do you have thoughts / advice on that?

I'm not sure if my therapist is an expert on grief. She's empathetic and wants me to make an effort to move on. I really like her. But maybe I need to consider someone who works only in grief counseling.

I hope you can see what I can see...that you went through an exceedingly difficult time and this man chose to leave you over it.

He isn't good enough for you.

[Bill3]

But as we sit here at the beginning of a new year, I'm obsessed with the idea that it's a good time to reach out and ask for bygones to be bygones. I want to say, "It's a new year. And I'd like to have you in my life." Do you have thoughts / advice on that?

Well honestly SarahK I would suggest that these are things to say to yourself, not to him.

Do continue with therapy and see if you can find a grief counselor.

Healing will come over time.

(((((SarahK)))))

[Curry]

Hi SarahK,

The first thing I thought when I read your post was that I hope you tell yourself that you are just lovely and perfect the way you are right now. You don't have to improve or fix or be less in any area. Nothing defines you, certainly not a period of depression.

I have just met someone after my husband left me. I love my husband and always will but he always had a problem with me or himself or the world or with our kids. The new guy I met is gentle and leaves room for me to feel and to be who ever I want to be. Take care of yourself.