Old friend reappeared

Recently someone who was once a very close friend has started talking to me on social media and wants to be friends again. Our friendship ended when I was hospitalized for being suicidal and she told me how ashamed she was that anyone might know we were friends after that. She was the only friend or acquaintance I had told so it wasn't like it was common knowledge. I was incredibly hurt by her reaction and we were unable to get past her feelings about my mental illness.

She's now shocked that I hadn't contacted her because how could I have thought that she wouldn't want to hear from me. She says she has many fond memories of our friendship and apparently zero recollection of why we stopped being friends. I've since been diagnosed with a few other things besides depression, but I've only mentioned that it's still a major issue for me. She ignored my comment.

My dilemma is this; I don't know that I want to be friends with her now. It's very hard for me to just act like nothing bad happened or to ever trust her to not behave like that again. It has been a long time and I don't see the point of stirring it all up again, a confrontation would help anything and I don't need closure or anything like that. I also get the feeling that she's lonely and I'm just convenient. She wants sympathy for her problems but I'm not comfortable sharing mine because I don't trust her to not be judgmental. For now I'm keeping a little distance from her and evading topics I don't want to get into.

Anybody else been in this kind of situation? A 'friend' who isn't really a friend ?

Yes.

The way I see it you have 3 options.

1. Have a "friendship" with her where you only talk about pleasant, trivial things, since she doesn't want to be there for you through thick and thin. She is only a fair weather friend.

2. Blow her off. Don't say anything to her about the past, but just keep telling her you can't get together or don't have time and eventually she will move on and leave you alone.

3. Remind her that you were hospitalized for depression and she made it clear that she couldn't handle being your friend through that bad period for you, and that you don't want to invest in a friendship with someone who won't be your friend in hard times as well as good times. And then see how she responds. It's entirely possible that something in her life has changed and she has new perspective now and feels badly that she abandoned you. Or she's a self-absorbed jackass.

I personally vote for option 3. I'm all for being blunt and honest with people if I can. But then again, you may not want that drama right now, so option 2 might be easier.

Good luck,
seesaw

Yeah, I think you should remind her of what happened exactly and why you stopped being friends.. it's weird she doesn't remember. Be careful

Yes this has happened to me too...except my friends didn’t believe me when I told them I was depressed...then things went downhill from there.

hi there
i am in kinda of the same dilema right now... i have a good friend who stopped talking to me for like 10 years when she moved to the States, and than suddenly when she moved back to Canada and wanted to be friends again... 9 years late i don't feel like i have anything in common with her anymore.

i agree with Seesaw go with option 1 or 2... if you can't do 3, but a true friend would not make you feel ashamed of your depression.

Good luck.

Hmm. I favour Seesaw's option 3 personally.

I haven't been in that situation myself but do have a friend whose male companion could not deal with her cancer diagnosis and disappeared leaving her to go through treatment alone. Some people are not strong, they cannot deal with these things, he simply wasn't capable of providing support. Afterwards he came back and she forgave him. He had his own weaknesses and struggles and she weighed the whole picture up and took him back - however he did apologise and acknowledged the hurt his abandonment caused her.

I personally would be very wary of anyone behaving as your 'friend' has. Lack of acknowledgement or apology is troubling to say the least.

Friends who are there for only the "good times" are not friends at all, imo. If it were me, I'd ignore her. True friends are there when you need them the most. Not just when they need you.

Thanks everyone! I kind of felt like I was maybe being overly sensitive about this person. Forgive is a lot easier than forget, and trust is even harder. So far she hasn't shown me that she deserves my trust.

As suggested, I've been sticking to the light topics with her and being incredibly vague about any chance of getting together. Honestly though, if she's just a shallow, fair weather friend then I don't think confronting her about the past will accomplish anything. I'm not going to get any satisfaction out of it if it only confuses her.

At this point I think I'm going to just be open about all my issues as they come up; depression, GAD, OCD, psychosis, everything, and just she how she reacts. If she freaks out and runs then it's a problem solved. If she shows any kind of willingness to try to understand or at least accept me, then maybe we can be more than superficial 'friends'. I'm betting that she throws bible verse memes at me and runs though.