[Artchic528]

My mother is an enabler. She allows my brother to drink till he's passed out drunk. A week or so ago, my mother told me she couldn't stand all the beer cans accumulating in his room, so she tasked me with cleaning them all up. Then, tonight, he goes stumbling drunk into the bathroom at 12:50 in the AM, after a huge binder, and I hear loud banging thuds coming from in there. He's unable to even stand upright properly. My first reaction is concern because I don't know if he's hurt himself, and he's just turned on the faucet in the bathtub so I don't know if he's drowning in there or what. My guess is he possibly got so drunk he either spilled beer all over himself, or peed himself, hence the need to bathe.

When I walked in there just now, the toilet was covered in his vomit, at least I think it was vomit, I'm not sure, but it was covered in something vile, and the floor was sopping wet, including the bathmat in front of the bathtub. I just know my mother is going to demand I clean that up too. She's been on me to clean the bathroom for a couple weeks now, but it's honestly my brother's turn to clean it and he's not pulling his weight around the house. I say this to my mother and she claims it's not is fault because he's busy with his full time job now.

I'm so absolutely furious right now I can't think straight. Well, I can think straight enough to type, thank goodness, but I can't do much more than that. I feel like I'm practically Cinderella in a way. My mom thinks I'm a freeloader.

I'm honestly going to flat out refuse to clean that bathroom now. It's not fair that I clean up whatever bodily fluid my brother left all over the toilet seat. Life sucks.

[Crazy Hitch]

Cleaning up his vomit? Eeewwwww no way!

Cleaning up beer cans in his room? Oh gees.....

With regards to the chores you and your brother are expected to do - I think there should be a clear understanding over who does what. Under normal circumstances I'd say 50/50 between the two of you, unless your mother thinks if he's working full time you can contribute more (you don't say if you're working full time too so not sure).

[Artchic528]

I have a small part time job, so I'm home more than he is.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm sorry.. must be hard.

[Artchic528]

It is Mickey. Is there any way I can change this situation?

Would you consider bargaining with your mother to agree on something that you will do on a regular basis to help out? Have an open conversation with her as part of a NY resolution. Tell her you know she thinks you're a freeloader, but offer to (whatever) learn how to cook so you prepare say all the meals for the family during the week. Then she can see you're making a practical contribution, it's one less thing for her to do, you learn a skill that'd be useful when/if you move out, it won't cost you money you don't have and doing that thing means you miss out on the gross stuff so your brother cleans up after himself and gets to grow up a little. Present it like it's a win win all round, and think about how you're going to both do it and say it. So like subscribe to some internet channels on cookery (or whatever you choose), or get some books from the library, do the prep work beforehand. Basically show her you're using your imagination and creativity to help out, grow as a person and learn new things. Maybe start by learning how to make their favourite dishes. Make it your thing. Own this new whatever it is. Good luck!

[Artchic528]

Originally Posted by Little Cat

Would you consider bargaining with your mother to agree on something that you will do on a regular basis to help out? Have an open conversation with her as part of a NY resolution. Tell her you know she thinks you're a freeloader, but offer to (whatever) learn how to cook so you prepare say all the meals for the family during the week. Then she can see you're making a practical contribution, it's one less thing for her to do, you learn a skill that'd be useful when/if you move out, it won't cost you money you don't have and doing that thing means you miss out on the gross stuff so your brother cleans up after himself and gets to grow up a little. Present it like it's a win win all round, and think about how you're going to both do it and say it. So like subscribe to some internet channels on cookery (or whatever you choose), or get some books from the library, do the prep work beforehand. Basically show her you're using your imagination and creativity to help out, grow as a person and learn new things. Maybe start by learning how to make their favourite dishes. Make it your thing. Own this new whatever it is. Good luck!

I find this a fantastic idea, however, I hate to say we don't sit down to family meals anymore. Everyone has their own schedule and eats at different times now. It's just so much more convenient to have everyone just cook whenever and whatever they want.

My mom says my contribution to the household is keeping my room clean and to share in the responsibility of keeping the bathroom clean with my brother, whom I share it with. I was leaning on cleaning it despite it being his turn to clean, but with the mess he left in it, I'm going to have to put my foot down and refuse. I'm not demanding too much to have him clean up his own puke, am I?

[seesaw]

I think you need to sit down with your mom and say "Look, I'm happy to do my chores and my share of everything. But if brother decides to go on a bender and vomit all over the bathroom or something similar to another room, HE is cleaning that up. I'm not his nurse, and I'm not his maid. I'm not cleaning up after his bad decisions."

And put your foot down. There have to be boundaries.

Seesaw

Hmmmm...... OK, don't give up on the cooking thing even though you don't all sit down together. How about making sure you all get one good home cooked meal together, say on a Sunday? Or pre-prepare stuff for everyone, like tapas, or dishes that they can just microwave or reheat? Or do a big serving of say something like chilli, so if anyone gets home and they're tired, they just need to warm it up. Try to avoid the cleaning contribution, not just because of your brother, but because it's more effort to plan and prepare meals. If I had a daughter living at home, I'd much prefer having a decent bite to eat - cleaning I can do quickly and don't have to think about, but food I do.

[divine1966]

No way you should clean after drunken brothers vomiting. Wtf?

Saying all that I don't get it how two adults living with parents only have to keep their rooms clean and one bathroom. Who does the rest? Honestly living rent free and only working part time imho means adult kids take care of all cleaning and other chores like vacuum and dust the whole house etc etc with that many people and pets there is a lot to do! Who does everything? Yard work? Mom?

Take on additional responsibilities around the house and then tell mom that vomit isn't your responsibility. Otherwise she might just see it as you are being freeloader like your brother

Your parents are very much enablers. I really can't Imagine!

[Erebos]

Artchic, sorry to hear of your situation . I agree with the ideas mentioned and perhaps if you could draw up a Rota specifying what jobs,your,doing when. That way it would be there for all to see exactly what you were contributing.
I find it's easy for people to forget household chores when there is something more pressing to deal with.But I really think you are well within your rights to say. I Will do these jobs but I draw the line at cleaning up after my brother.
All the best, hope it gets sorted.

[Fuzzybear]

[s4ndm4n2006]

no way you should be cleaning up after him, let alone being responsible for his room. In my house growing up, I was responsible only for my own room, not others, along with the shared chores of kitchen and such.

If someone is so drunk that they vomit or make a mess of the bathroom it should be on them to clean it up otherwise it's simply enabling them more to continue the bad behavior. If your mom wants to enable him, let her do so but she should not include you in this behavior of keeping him in this pattern of drunk behavior.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by divine1966

No way you should clean after drunken brothers vomiting. Wtf?

Saying all that I don't get it how two adults living with parents only have to keep their rooms clean and one bathroom. Who does the rest? Honestly living rent free and only working part time imho means adult kids take care of all cleaning and other chores like vacuum and dust the whole house etc etc with that many people and pets there is a lot to do! Who does everything? Yard work? Mom?

Take on additional responsibilities around the house and then tell mom that vomit isn't your responsibility. Otherwise she might just see it as you are being freeloader like your brother

Your parents are very much enablers. I really can't Imagine!

Divine, I was thinking the same thing! Is that a difference between american parents and our european background? When i was staying with my mother, i did her laundry, folded it and put it away, the vacuuming, the dusting, washed the floors, cut the grass, shoveled the snow, pulled the weeds, and did major projects like scrub the kitchen, dining room, and bathroom ceiling to floor with ammonia. Also washed the dishes, and she was always cooking for her friends and relatives. Made her bed, changed the sheets, did the ironing. Dyed and rolled her hair. Gave her professional manicures and pedicures. And she made me feel like i did NOTHING.

Huh. No wonder my aunt asked me to come live with her!

[Yours_Truly]

I couldn't agree more that you should not clean up after your brother, whether it's beer cans or vomit. He should clean up his own messes and your mom should tell him so. If she wants to enable him by cleaning up his messes, although she shouldn't, that's on her.

I don't know if your brother's drinking is a reoccurring event or not or how old he is. Hopefully, it's teenage experimentation and he'll get through it like most, but the scenario you described is all too familiar and I sincerely hope it doesn't turn into a lifelong struggle.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Take on additional responsibilities around the house and then tell mom that vomit isn't your responsibility. Otherwise she might just see it as you are being freeloader like your brother

^ this... is a very good point and I wholeheartedly support this.

Even if you feel like you do your share around the house, it gives you more leverage when you are able to do something more to show that you are doing your part to emphasize you're not, as divine put it, "freeloading" and trying to get out of work.

Keep in mind always though that it is not your house and you are living under a roof where someone else is taking care of the bulk of things financially and go to her with gratefulness not bitterness when you bring it up.

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Divine, I was thinking the same thing! Is that a difference between american parents and our european background? When i was staying with my mother, i did her laundry, folded it and put it away, the vacuuming, the dusting, washed the floors, cut the grass, shoveled the snow, pulled the weeds, and did major projects like scrub the kitchen, dining room, and bathroom ceiling to floor with ammonia. Also washed the dishes, and she was always cooking for her friends and relatives. Made her bed, changed the sheets, did the ironing. Dyed and rolled her hair. Gave her professional manicures and pedicures. And she made me feel like i did NOTHING.

Huh. No wonder my aunt asked me to come live with her!

I don't know about that. When I go to stay with my mom for vacations, I cook and clean for her and our family. I help around the house, etc. I don't think this is an American vs European thing. Just a particular family situation.

Seesaw

[Rose76]

Your mom and brother are going to be doing what they do forever. Any chance of you ever getting out of that house?

Yeah, definitely let your brother clean up after himself. There's no reason, either, for you to ever be in his room.

On the other hand, is your brother kind of supporting you to some extent? Like - does he contribute a lot of his earnings to maintaining the home?

[stolemyheart87]

Just clean up after him, and let him continue to drink, he will learn from it and regret it later. Or try talking to him and your mother and get it all sorted out?

Offer to take on an alternate chore.

[TishaBuv]

When I was your age, I was cleaning up after a 3 and 1 year-old. Explosive diarrhea, vomit, a bleeding head wound that covered me as I scooped my kid up and ran to the ER. You get the idea.