[203032]

My son is 19 he lives with us because he is going to college. He can't drive, so I drive him to school. We pay for all his expenses. I fix his meals and do his laundry. His doctor wanted him to take a urine test for a new medication he was going to be put on. He refused. He got angry with me and refused to go to college if I did not call his doctor. He didn't go to school for two days. I have told him he cannot live here if he does not go to school. He will have to get a job and move out. I am afraid I might have to call the cops to come and get him. I don't want that, but he is making himself impossible to live with. I don't like having to give in to his demands so that he will go to school. The school will not let him attend if he does not live at home or on campus. He says he will not live on campus unless we pay for the high priced dorm rooms. He calls me crazy and unstable. I am just trying to stick to my guns and not give in to his blackmail and manipulation. Should I have to? He wrote a paper on urine and I just do not know what to think of it. Should I be worried. This is the urine essay.
1. Urine is dusgusting. You cannot argue otherwise. Thus, Urine Tests, by nature, are disgusting.
2.I have dignity and will not lower myself to that level.
3. Urine tests are profane, and I have the courage to resist.
4. There are alternative ways to test anything that can be tested through urine.
a. If I am incorrect it should be noted that that the liver was the only organ that was in danger of being damaged, and the test for this is a blood test.
5. Such a test invades my right to privacy. Thus any such test would go against my personal beliefs.
6. In refusing this test I hope that I am an inspriration to others, and that eventually the barbaric practice may stop.
7. I refuse, because I believe that any man, corporation, government or society which deems the pastime of playing with pee is not only proper, but is somehow for the betterment of society, is demonstrating a sickness to which I will become no enabaling co-conspirator. It is wrong, and thus I protest."

I am not giving this to his doctor. He sounds like the unabomber of urine. I did call his doctor. I don't imagine she cares anymore that I do about his anti-urine beliefs. He is some how blaming me because society demands urine tests. Why should I have to give his doctor the anti-urine speech?I wanted to stay out of it and let him handle it with his docor, but he refused to go to class, so I called her. She will not be in until Monday. I just do not know what to do. I guess If I am crazy and unstable as he says, he can leave to get away from me.

[bptoo]

Hi, welcome to the forums.

After I read your post I had one question that jumped into my mind and it's kind of blunt, so I hope you'll forgive me if you find it out of line. Here goes...

Do you have any reason to believe that your son's urine might test positive for something he doesn't want you to know about, possibly illegal drugs? I REALLY hate to come off sounding suspicious, but it's very common for a doctor to ask a patient for a urine sample and it seems strange for your son to be so adamant about not doing this.

Again, I'm sorry if I'm off base in asking this and I apologize if I've offended you in any way.

bptoo

"A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart."

[203032]

Yes, I wondered that too. I am pretty sure that is what the lab tech was thinking too, when he refused the test. My son went away with friends for the weekend and I wondered if he was worried about something he did showing up on the test. Maybe they smoked pot or something. I don't think the doctor could report him for drug use, could she?

[heidu]

I was thinking the same thing when I read the post. It sounds like a tough situation you have on your hands. I also don't want to be blunt or rude but your son is 19 and therefore capable of making his own decision. I understand that you want him to go to school but you shouldn't have to bribe him or cater to his selfish and inconciderate demands. It doesn't sound like he is very appreciative of what you do for him. I say let him skip school and go with your idea that he has to move out and get a job. There is just no reason you should have to take abuse of him saying your crazy or unstable. That is just wrong. He's old enough to take responsibilty and make his own choices right or wrong. I am sorry he is being difficult and treating you in such a disrespectful way.
I'll shut up now!! I hope you can figure out something that is good for both you and your son.
Heidu

[heidu]

I don't know who the doctor would report anything like drug use to unless he is on probation or something like that where he has to report it. As far as I know the doctor can't even tell you because of patient confidentiality since your son is not a minor.
I don't even know if that is something that would show up on the test unless it was an overall blood test. Drug tests, I believe are more directly related to finding certain drugs and may not even be involved in the testing he is having. Not sure if it would come up or not.
Heidu

[bptoo]

Oh no, the only time something like that would be reported would be to the person or company/agency requesting the test. It wouldn't automatically be given to the authorities or anything like that. That would be a direct violation of Doctor/Patient confidentiality. But, if they did or do a blood test they can find out that way just as easily, I think it's just less expensive and time consuming to do a urine analysis.

I wish you could just ask him bluntly if this was the issue at hand, but it sounds like he's very defensive right now. I wish you the best of luck with this, you have some real tough choices to make. It's hard being a parent sometimes isn't it?

Best of luck,
bp

"A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart."

[203032]

I don't really think he wants to quit school. He just uses this to get his way. The college has actually put us in this situation, because we had to agree to let him stay at home if he doesn't live on campus. I moved him on campus at the beginning of the year, but he came home. I took him to the dorms and he wouldn't get out of my car. He wouldn't sleep there and they were charging for the room. I signed the agreement to save the money they were charging on the room. They have really fancy private dorm rooms that he would like us to pay for, but we can't afford it.

[rmm5497]

I don't want to sound harsh but what really struck me is that your son is 19 and you say you fix his meals and do his laundry. Why? It sounds like your son knows that if he pushes he will get what he wants. My soon to be ex-husband's parents do EVERYTHING for him this way and it only served to enable his manipulative behavior. He's used to having everything done for him or for everything to be made easy for him so when it appears that he may have to do something or that something may be difficult he lays a guilt trip on whoever he wants to solve it for him. It seems to me your son is 19 and you need to let him sink or swim on his own. Ultimately he's not going to feel good about himself if your doing everything for him anyway. I'm not trying to be harsh, I'm really not but I've seen where this type of spoiling leads and it's not going to get better unless you really put your foot down.

[Zenobia]

I have to agree with BP's question of whether your son is hiding something by not getting the urine test.

I am rather disturbed by the way he reacts toward you and your VERY REASONABLE demands. Yes, I wanted to make sure that you knew that what you are requiring of him is absolutly reasonable. I think that there are two possiblities. Either he is playing you for a sucker or he has some sort of mental illness that needs to be treated. The urinephobia. The refusing to get out of the car. And the fact that you are afraid you are going to have to have the police help you get him out of the house. These things are sending up a hundred red flags at the back of my head. I think before you do anything you might want to go see a therapist to get a handle on what is happening with your son. When I had my break down my husband went and saw a therapist just so he could have a qualified professional help him understand what was happening to me. A therapist would be able to sort out what is happening and give you some real life solutions.
Take care,
Zen

<font color=blue>I was always looking outside myself for strength and confidence but, it comes from within. It is there alll the time.--Anna Freud