[StewieGG]

This is a difficult situation I am currently in with my boyfriend. I absolutely adore him, he is so important to me and means the world to me. I just am constantly worried he doesn't love me.

I think this stems from my ex, who admitted he lied to me about loving me and that he was only with me to get over his ex, who he loved the the whole time he was with me. I also found tinder on his phone and he was actively messaging girls on there.

My current boyfriend of 2 years is amazing. He is very loving and supportive of my mental illness, he cares about me a great deal and his actions show that he does. So I don't know why I am always having thoughts that he's lying. It makes me feel so sad. I also keep being paranoid that he's cheating on me, because I don't feel like I'm good enough. I feel paranoid of some new female friends in his life, and then feel so guilty for even thinking that he'd cheat.

I don't really know how to resolve this issue. I am desperate to help myself get over this problem

[Medusax]

Ok..this may shock you, but THIS is the reason I married someone I wasn't in love with. I had been hurt in the past and decided to take the path of least resistance.

[Rose76]

I'm glad you realize how important it is for you to get over this tendency you have. It is horribly unfair to your current boyfriend. Keep doing this and you will ruin things for yourself.

I just did a little mental exercise. I imagined how this would sound if you were the male and he were the female. We hear about jealous men who keep their women on short leashes. We think of that as abusive and bullying. Somehow it kinda seems less bad when the genders are reversed. But it really isn't, when you give it some thought.

There is no amount of reassuring that will suffice when someone is obsessed with doubt. You can't just will away your insecurity. What you have to do is exercise some self-discipline. You have to make up your mind that the pain of this insecurity is your burden to bear. Don't put this cross on your boyfriend's shoulders.

Your last boyfriend didn't create this insecurity in you. Stop telling yourself that. You were insecure even before that. You wanted to believe that your last boyfriend loved you because you were so into him. So you went along with the charade, hoping he'ld grow to really love you. It didn't happen. He was not a trust-worthy guy and there were signs of that which you chose to ignore. A guy who would do what he did is not a stand-up guy, and that would have been true in how he handled other matters. The evidence was there, but you fooled yourself into believing what you wanted to believe.

Your real insecurity is that you don't trust yourself to tell yourself the truth. So change that. When you find yourself thinking something about anyone, ask yourself, "How do I know that?" And be stern with yourself. Don't let yourself get away with B. S. answers.

Part of why this world is so fouled up is because of people going around all sure they know something, without ever asking themselves real seriously, "How do I know that?"

Here is your new mantra that will set you free: "I am not going to b.s. myself . . . or take anyone else's b.s. at face value." Become a "fact-checker."

You see those tabloids at the grocery store? The headline will read something like "Hillary Clinton had a gay love affair with Queen Elizabeth!" or some such nonsense. Those tabloids make millions of dollars because so many people are happy to believe whatever they are told. Don't be that way.

Is your new boyfriend a stand-up guy in how he treats others? Watch him. See how he treats animals. Watch if he steals little things in stores. See if he pays his bills. How does he treat his mother . . . his sister. How does he treat the waitress at a restaurant? Learn what his values are. When you know that, you will know what he is capable of.

Hey Stewie, I think it's great you are posting here and asking for help - you recognise that this is not good and that is a big step in the right direction.

I have been on the other side in that my husband has been jealous about male friends/acquaintances in my life - fact is I have never cheated on him in 23 years together. Notice how I didn't say I have never looked at another guy? Well the fact is I am human and of course I have noticed attractive men - but that is quite different from pursuing them.

I like Rose's idea about fact checking and challenging your thoughts and feelings. When we explored my H's jealousy he believed if he felt something then it must have grounding eg he felt jealous so there must be a reason. Except there wasn't. I would have had to have only female friends in order for him not to feel jealous. He didn't want to restrict my choices of friends and so he chose to work on his own reaction rather than restrict me.

I think that you say you don't feel good enough is the basis of these feelings - this is good you recognise that. Have you done any work on your self-esteem/self-compassion? If not then this could help. You can do this yourself with self-help (lots of resources online) or in therapy, and your could include your bf with this, this could be a good way to help strengthen your understanding of each-other too.

[StewieGG]

Thank you for all your replies, you've all been so helpful and I appreciate it. I think I'm going to go to therapy for this, as it's something I desperately want to get over. I will look online for some self help for self esteem too, thank you for these ideas

[Rose76]

It's okay to be a flawed human being. That's what all human beings are - flawed. You tell yourself - "I've got as much right to be flawed as the rest of humanity." That's how you take the pressure of yourself.

If you were perfect, your boyfriend wouldn't love you more. He would be afraid to go near you. He likes knowing that you need him - partly because you do have problems. That's what love is all about.