[sk.anytime]

Hi all, thanks in advance for the people who will be helping me work through my issues.

I met a stranger 3 years ago online and we started exchanging messages. At that time she was in a relationship and she was only looking for friends. We started off being friends and spent a lot of time talking with each other online with a basic rule that we are both going to be honest and never lie to each other. We both respected that and continued talking almost daily. 6 months down the line, we wanted to meet in person. She came with her partner and a couple of friends to meet for dinner. We all hit it off and I go back to their place to play board games. I was introduced slowly to her friends group and we all started to hangout every weekend and became good friends. I get close to this girl and we started to become besties. It was purely platonic, honest friendship.

we continue to talk and she started to open up about her relationship issues, I help her work through those issues but they both figured out that their issues cannot be resolved, my best friend broke up with her partner. Although they both remain to stay with the group, they are on good terms but the void between them can be clearly seen in group setting. Few months later, after she grieved and moved on, when we were celebrating our 2 year friendversary, there was a moment of sexual tension between us and we started to makeout. Next day we talk about it. She knew she was not my type and I am not her type. While we were friends she helped me find dates, I talking about what I am looking for a date etc. She was very helpful. We talk about it the next day and decide that we are going to have casual sex and be honest about if who we were seeing other than each other and be honest about when one of us catches feelings.

After about 5-6 months, I started to catch feelings. We both were on same page and made the relationship exclusive, we started seeing each other and at the same time also trying to resolve bigger issues and started working together to a long term future. We are emotionally super compatible, enjoy being around each other, honest, loyal, caring and understanding. We have moments when we are bluntly honest and talk without any filters that it hurts each other so much but we get closer and closer everytime we do that by consoling and reaffirming physically and emotionally.

There has been a lingering thought that is bothering me at the back of my head, I always wanted to be in a relationship that has a healthy lifestlye (we eat healthy, exercise and have a good balance of outdoor activities, have personal and career goals). But the best friend I fell in love with is overweight and has health reasons that are causing her to be overweight. I am supportive and understanding. She doesn't have low self-esteem and is very body positive and confident and is amazing human being. I feel like there is a part of me that is not naturally appreciating her beauty and reaffirming my love through my actions/words. I brought this up with her (while hurting her a bit), I had to because our relationship is built on being extremely honest to each other and communicate, communicate a lot and be vulnerable. She is not promising me that her physical appearnce would change drastically. I am not going into the relationship expecting that she would look differently years down the line, I know that I should be accepting her for who she is, who she was when I chose to be a friend, who she was when I started to have casual realationship and who she was when I asked to be my girlfriend. I fell in love with her but I also cant believe the fact that I fell in love with a person that I never imagined to be considering to date.

I am trying to find if my problem is deeply rooted and would show up big in the future and blow up our relationship causing more pain. I am having trouble identifying how big of a deal it is for me. I need some suggestions to work through this and help me get to a better place and make better decisions.

[Molinit]

Here's your decision. You seem very fixed to this "healthy" type person you want to be with.

Do her a favor and let her go, then you go find that person. Good luck.

[Trippin2.0]

Too much of anything is bad for you, even honesty.

If you can't accept her as is, your relationship is doomed.

[LadyShadow]

If you are "looking" for a healthy partner for your future, you know already not it.

The fact is if you were to build a future and get married etc, this issue would eventually come up later and you would feel like you're "settling."

Never settle.

Good luck.

[Erebos]

I Might be going against the grain a bit here but bear with me.
First off I will agree with a previous comment, too much of anything, even honesty is NoT a good thing. Sometimes the people we love need protected from the absolute truth, especially if it's not their problem.
E.g. my kids dad walked out cos he didn't want to be responsible for them any more. I will NEVER tell them that. There is no need for them to know.

I am sure your girlfriend was already very aware of your 'type' still she was brave enough to take a chance on you.

This issues sound more like you are concerned about external perception. How being with her reflects on you to the outside world. You need to really focus on why this even matters.
You sound like there is the potential for something long term, however you start pulling her apart not only will you lose your partner but your friendship.

You said she is out going and body positive, I can tell you that even if your not overweight those are two bloody hard traits to find in anyone.
I have met plenty of 'healthy' people who obsess over their physical appearance and are still miserable.
Do her a favour and leave her self esteem in tact.
Personally my biggest sense of pride in my relationship is that we bring out the best in each other.
It's funny, I am on the other side of your situation, having always been a size 10 even after 4 kids when I hit my late 30s the weight piled on, despite no change to my lifestyle.
My fella's only frustration is that I don't find it as hot as he does. Thing is he is one of the most body secure people I have ever met.
Which leads me to consider is it a fear for her or yourself?
Have you had to struggle with body image before.
Thing is its her confidence and self belief that attracted you to her in the first place.
Be careful that in asking her to change you don't loose what makes her the woman who turns you on.

All the best for you both, whatever you decide.

[Trippin2.0]

Amen to that! ^^^^^

I want to touch on a very important point made above, body positive is a bloody rare characteristic to find, and oh so attractive. I only know one person who possesses this trait and I wish I was like her. I'm sure my bf even wishes I was more like her, then he wouldn't need to spend so much time reassuring me that I'm good enough.

Funny enough, my friend is bigger than me, I'm naturally petite, with a high metabolism, if I'm not mistaken I'm an American size 2, but with almost zero self esteem. I do absolutely nothing to maintain my weight, in fact I eat like a horse, and my friends apparently envy that, but at 32, I'm still trying to find that ever elusive self confidence / self esteem, won't be surprised if my therapist is tired of it by now either...

Don't take that away from her, its just downright cruel.

I think what is a 'deal breaker' in love/relationships is very different to all of us.

Some people find physical appearance a more important trait than others, you seem from your post to be one of those people. There is no magic formula I know of for changing that within yourself (because we can only change ourselves, we cannot change others).

I think you have a couple of options, you can either compromise and accept your gf as she is which is not your ideal body shape and put that aside in favour of her other amazing traits, or you move on and look for a partner who is a better physical fit for your preference. I don't see trying to change her as an option for the reasons very well expressed by the previous posters.

I would like to add (as someone who is very likely a good bit older than you) that physical appearance changes drastically as we age - in a long term/life partnership it's wise to be aware of that. What keeps older married couples together and happy is not usually the shape of their butts but compatibility and a life time of team work.

My gut says to let her go. She deserves to be loved and cherished for who she is, warts and all. She is living a healthy lifestyle but is still overweight due to medical issues. I can see where this really could end up hurting her down the line.....she doing everything under the sun to be healthy, but if she cannot lose the weight, its just not good enough for you.

There is indeed a thing as too much honesty. It saddens me to hear that you hurt her with your comments about her weight. Believe you me, its nothing she hasn't heard before. (Saying this as someone who has had weight issues myself.) But to hear it from someone who is your partner, your closest confidant? That just hurts even more. She is body positive right now, please don't say anything nasty to her about her weight or how you're not attracted to her because of her weight. If the weight is indeed a deal breaker, which I think it is given your comments, please let her go so that she can find someone who will love her....ALL of her, just as she is.

I think that when a red flag comes up and we sit here and ponder if it would be an issue in the future.....then there's an almost certainty that it will indeed be a problem in the future. Well, unless you can REALLY shift your mind frame and way of thinking that is.

[Lost_in_the_woods]

You are at odds with yourself. Do not impose your own life expectations on another person please!
I think we all have at some point in life, an image of our ideal mate..but, Prince charming... or in your case Princess Charming...is not allows our childhood fairytale image exactly. You have not come to terms with the outward appearance not lining up! But inward it seems this person is your ideal. The stuff that is needed to make a true happily ever after is not on the surface..except for basic attraction. You need to decide what is truly important to you. If you go looking for someone who matches the physical image..what do you think the odds are that they will also be everything else you already have in your current partner? ?..but, if you feel like you are never gonna be truly happy with your current partner either because her appearance is really a deal breaker for you then you should let her go. Only you can figure out what you truly want...but it is not fair to either of you for you to hold on to her if you really aren't certain..down the road you could end up really hurting her if you can't resolve your inner confliction. I'm not saying just leave her...but do some serious soul searching and do not go looking elsewhere til you figure this out!..thread lightly..a heart in your hands is a very valuable fragile thing. Please treat hers with care
-LITW

[FallenAngel454]

I'm kinda in a similar situation. See, I met a guy online about 8 months ago and at first we were friends because he and I were both dating people. I started to fall for his personality. In fact, I started to like him more than my boyfriend.

He eventually broke up with his boyfriend and on August 8th, I did with mine. I asked him out the same night. He accepted and confessed to me that he liked me the whole time but was too shy to tell me.

I love him a lot but sometimes I find his appearance to be a bit unkempt. His long hair is the main thing I don't like about him. He is very fit and in shape and has an adorable face but his hair is just....not good.

I know it sounds super shallow but I cant help it. He always asks what I want him to change about himself and I always say "shorter hair" which he has done but then it grows back and he keeps it that way.

Unfortunately I have cheated, well not really. I mean I didn't sleep with anyone but I just kinda flirted with other guys who are slightly cuter. I felt really guilty about it so I stopped and told him what I did.

He initially got really upset and almost dumped me over it but later forgave me. I don't flirt around anymore though. I'm trying not to let something as superficial as hair bother me.

But as for your situation, it seems a little more extreme than mine. Your issue can definitely affect your relationship in the future if you let this bother you for too long. Body image is VERY sensitive to girls and many girls end up with an eating disorder if they feel like someone is making negative comments about their weight.

It's especially painful when it comes from a significant other. Someone that they love and trust. My suggestion is not telling her about her weight but instead, working out with her and maybe join a gym together. Encourage her that you want to help her be healthy, not because you are unhappy with her looks.

She will feel more confident if you do it with her rather than having her go by herself. Both of you will feel MUCH better this way!! Good luck

I think you have the right to find someone who fits your life style. If both of you have different life styles, like eating and exercise habits, and way of thinking regarding the future, ... etc, probably you will have many challenges. In a friendship you can have different life styles, but in a serious relationship both of you will affect each others.

[Artchic528]

Beauty is only skin deep, my friend.

[toolman65]

If i read your post correctly, she has been roughly the same size the entire time you have known her. It didn't stop you from becoming friends, then lovers, then partners.

Why is her size suddenly such an issue?

Are you sure her weight isn't just an excuse to leave her?

[PandorasAquarium]

So here's the thing about life and longterm relationships; you will change. So will she. So will the next girl you find. There is no 'perfect' woman. She will just be perfect for you, her imperfections and all.

I'm not saying you should do anything except think about this from a different perspective. Maybe try to imagine the ghost of your future self.

Ask yourself, ifyou let her go, in ten years do you think that all those traits you love in her will be the 'could have beens' that you miss? How deeply would you regret losing her? Staying 'friends' no matter how close you were will become nearly impossible when life drags you both on down the road to other lives, partners, etc. So the odds are you will lose her friendship if the weight is something you can't get past.

That said, if you truly cannot get past it, then do her a favor and set that girl free. You're not going to do her any favors by staying and feeling resentful that you missed out on your elusive perfect girl.

Speaking of the dream girl... maybe you'll find her. Maybe she will be exactly who you're looking for. Then maybe she will come up against a medical issue and gain weight or something even more tragic. When my husband met me, I was 4 sizes smaller, athletic, active, ate healthy, and loads of fun. Then, I was diagnosed with a handful of chronic illnesses. Between chronic debilitating pain and stupid medications, as well as aging metabolism, I started gaining. I fought it. I eat like a bird, try to exercise, fail, and then feel awful. I want my hurband to have that same woman he married so badly that I struggle with self esteem something fierce now. There is only so much I can do about it. Beyond that, I know I'm aging. There's no stopping it. I've got silver hairs on my temples that recently started to appear and crows feet. I have no idea when they arrived, but they're here now. Tomorrow I'll probably discover some new sign of aging. My husband is aging too. It's life. I have to remind myself that I secretly like seeing him change and knowing these years have been together. He just gets better. Seriously. So why would I be so hard on myself for things I can't control? Maybe because of the culture women fight. After 29, it's over. Paradise lost. At least I have a man that still sees me. Not the archetype he's 'supposed' to want. He loves me, as is.

There is no greater external boost to a woman's self esteen than knowing the man she adores finds her absolutely alluring.

You can fight it all you want, but no organic smoothie or kale salad is going to stop it. Your bodies will change. So will your dream girl's.

Aside from that, do you know how hard it is to find someone even half as compatible as it sounds like the two of you are. I hit the jackpot with my man and I'm cringing a little as he snores right this second. Nobody is perfect. There will always be something that irks, bothers, bores, worries, or otherwise stresses you out with your partner. And you just be honest (except about how she looks in those jeans - she always "looks spectacular."), and be vulnerable, just the way you seem to be, and try to appreciate all those idiosyncrasies that make each of us unique. And if the day comes where something tragic happens, though I pray it never does, and that person is drastically altered, you try to accept it and find the person beneath. Is my husband my absolute dream archetypical man that I wanted as a young woman? Nope. And I'm eternally glad for it so many years later. He is perfectly imperfect, just like me, and that makes us a perfect pair.I hope you cane to love the so-called imperfections to.

You yourself are only one prescription away from a body negative situation, friend.

Originally Posted by Lefty the Salesman

You yourself are only one prescription away from a body negative situation, friend.

Or one disorder...

Or one disease...

We can't always control these sorts of things in life. They sort of just happen despite our best intentions.