[areenhaque26]

A few weeks ago my husband and I had gone out during which time my husband bought a pack of cigarettes under the condition that he would only smoke once in a while or when we went out. He has not been smoking regularly and if I say something then he's defense is that at least he's not a chainsmoker. I'm not bothered about him smoking as much as I'm bothered about him not keeping his word. He keeps telling me that he won't do it but he keeps doing it. I know I shouldn't be checking his pack but lately I've noticed the number of cigarettes diminishing. I don't know how to make him understand that his action is hurting me. What should I do?

[Frankbtl]

Hi areenhaque

Welcome to PC!!!

I'd say that you need to find a good time (when there are no stresses or strains) to tell your husband the true importance of the issue for you.
I may be wrong, but reading between the lines with this:
I'm not bothered about him smoking as much as I'm bothered about him not keeping his word. He keeps telling me that he won't do it but he keeps doing it.
You're perhaps feeling a general lack of trust in him from this, with him saying one thing and doing something else without your knowledge, maybe you feel betrayed by him doing that, maybe you feel he's disrespecting you or not showing you respect by "casually" telling you something and then.........??
Maybe for him that's way off the truth as he sees it, just different perspectives, but your feelings do matter
And the discussion with him doesn't even necessarily have to be confrontational maybe reiterate with him that it's fine that he's smoking, and you recognise it's not even regularly anyway..........it's just that when he tells you...........it makes you feel......because...........and you'd really like him to............Maybe he will "shrug off" some stuff...........different perspectives..........and you can even acknowledge that to him/perhaps even understand or show understanding that things like that aren't as important to him..........but it's about helping him acknowledge/understand your feelings as well.................
And maybe you two can even reach a compromise...........as in you accept that he may not remember to tell you every time but he will try to tell you when...........Just some thoughts.........



Alison

[MickeyCheeky]

I think you should talk with your husband.. explaining why you're worried about this.

Well this is his choice, isn't it.

What you can do, in my opinion however, is to set down some boundaries; like no smoking indoors, etc. I would still have tha conversation regarding concerns you have but ultimately this is his decision to make.

Question: what were his smoking habits before you got married and even before you started dating? If this was something you chose to tolerate then I don't think you should expect him to change now.

Are you prepared for this to be a deal breaker?

[areenhaque26]

Originally Posted by Frankbtl

Hi areenhaque

Welcome to PC!!!

I'd say that you need to find a good time (when there are no stresses or strains) to tell your husband the true importance of the issue for you.
I may be wrong, but reading between the lines with this:
I'm not bothered about him smoking as much as I'm bothered about him not keeping his word. He keeps telling me that he won't do it but he keeps doing it.
You're perhaps feeling a general lack of trust in him from this, with him saying one thing and doing something else without your knowledge, maybe you feel betrayed by him doing that, maybe you feel he's disrespecting you or not showing you respect by "casually" telling you something and then.........??
Maybe for him that's way off the truth as he sees it, just different perspectives, but your feelings do matter
And the discussion with him doesn't even necessarily have to be confrontational maybe reiterate with him that it's fine that he's smoking, and you recognise it's not even regularly anyway..........it's just that when he tells you...........it makes you feel......because...........and you'd really like him to............Maybe he will "shrug off" some stuff...........different perspectives..........and you can even acknowledge that to him/perhaps even understand or show understanding that things like that aren't as important to him..........but it's about helping him acknowledge/understand your feelings as well.................
And maybe you two can even reach a compromise...........as in you accept that he may not remember to tell you every time but he will try to tell you when...........Just some thoughts.........



Alison

I am thinking of talking to him soon about it. You're right that I do feel disrespected and hurt by the whole situation. I'm not saying he has to give me minute by minute update every time he smokes and it's not like I expect him to go cold turkey in 24 hours either. I understand that he's an adult and he has the right to make his own choices. I know that what is a big deal to me isn't s big deal to him and that's understandable. Hopefully we can reach an agreement. I'm trying my best to be accepting of the whole situation but I can't help feel betrayed.

Originally Posted by Frankbtl

Hi areenhaque

Welcome to PC!!!

I'd say that you need to find a good time (when there are no stresses or strains) to tell your husband the true importance of the issue for you.
I may be wrong, but reading between the lines with this:
I'm not bothered about him smoking as much as I'm bothered about him not keeping his word. He keeps telling me that he won't do it but he keeps doing it.
You're perhaps feeling a general lack of trust in him from this, with him saying one thing and doing something else without your knowledge, maybe you feel betrayed by him doing that, maybe you feel he's disrespecting you or not showing you respect by "casually" telling you something and then.........??
Maybe for him that's way off the truth as he sees it, just different perspectives, but your feelings do matter
And the discussion with him doesn't even necessarily have to be confrontational maybe reiterate with him that it's fine that he's smoking, and you recognise it's not even regularly anyway..........it's just that when he tells you...........it makes you feel......because...........and you'd really like him to............Maybe he will "shrug off" some stuff...........different perspectives..........and you can even acknowledge that to him/perhaps even understand or show understanding that things like that aren't as important to him..........but it's about helping him acknowledge/understand your feelings as well.................
And maybe you two can even reach a compromise...........as in you accept that he may not remember to tell you every time but he will try to tell you when...........Just some thoughts.........



Alison

[areenhaque26]

Originally Posted by justafriend306

Well this is his choice, isn't it.

What you can do, in my opinion however, is to set down some boundaries; like no smoking indoors, etc. I would still have tha conversation regarding concerns you have but ultimately this is his decision to make.

Question: what were his smoking habits before you got married and even before you started dating? If this was something you chose to tolerate then I don't think you should expect him to change now.

Are you prepared for this to be a deal breaker?

I understand that it's his choice and because of that I have never suggested that he shouldn't do it because then he'll do it behind my back and I don't want that even though I do feel like that now since he didn't keep our agreement. We had an arranged marriage and I didn't know he smoked until a few weeks into our marriage because even then he never smoked (he's open with me and I do the laundry so if he was smoking behind my back I would know) and when I asked him if he wanted to continue he told me it was something he tried but wasn't interested in continuing and it wasn't until a few weeks ago that he started smoking again and now he's doing it all the time. You're right that I should just set some boundaries and if he wants to continue doing it then just accept it. I keep asking him if he's going to buy more once he's done with his current pack and he keeps telling me "I don't know" but I know very well that he will and I just need him to be honest with me and not say one thing and do another. That's my only dilemma- how do I get him to understand that what he's doing is bothering me? I've tried talking to him and he thinks the issue is with him smoking and how much he's doing it and not about him not keeping his word.

[areenhaque26]

Originally Posted by justafriend306

Well this is his choice, isn't it.

What you can do, in my opinion however, is to set down some boundaries; like no smoking indoors, etc. I would still have tha conversation regarding concerns you have but ultimately this is his decision to make.

Question: what were his smoking habits before you got married and even before you started dating? If this was something you chose to tolerate then I don't think you should expect him to change now.

Are you prepared for this to be a deal breaker?

Also to answer your question. I'm not going to get a divorce over smoking. My ex husband used to smoke also and it was something I got used to. I love my husband too much to leave him because of smoking and I also don't want to be those wives that dictate every aspect of their husband's lives. For me the smoking isn't an issue because when he smoked in front of me the first time, I was completely indifferent and I wasn't bothered by it all.

[healingme4me]

Maybe tell him that whether he does or doesn't isn't your concern. You want to feel that you can trust him to be a man of his word, even if he's internally battling between wanting to and not wanting to. It isn't your intent to be his keeper.

[ReptileInYourHead]

It's fine to be concerned, but you must be honest too. Does his smoking bother you? If it really doesn't then let him smoke however he wants.