I dont know how I feel. Gf has horrible family issues ! need advice.

My girlfriend is a sweet girl. I just graduated high school she was a freshman now a sophomore about to be a junior. When I met her, I was in a little sad place after being rejected a bunch and looking for a girlfriend. We are long distance. I met her on meowchat 8 months ago we talked for a while and help each other out with each other's issues. she then got feelings for me and I got feelings for her. I've been in two long-distance relationships before so I wasn't so sure about it but she was so nice I felt like I'd be missing out on a great person. I didn't originally know that she was just a freshman though so I asked her to allow me to ask her parents if it was okay. So she asked her mom if I was okay or not and her mom said I was fine but her father lost it. I tried to call him, speak to him, I made him videos of who I was, and sent him a long email but it turned out her mom and her dad are not the best of people. Her dad had a history of being abusive and her mom was so so. He doesn't like other people who might threaten his rule as an alpha male . Had I known I wouldn't have asked her to ask them but she didn't tell me which is understandable seeing that she has been a victim of them. Her dad called me names and wouldn't speak to me and threatened his daughter to break up so we called it a break but she kept breaking down with just her parents without me and texted me back about three weeks later. A mother later on went to do something pretty violent and my girlfriend told the police and now her mother might be facing time or not and her dad won't do anything but he still tries to get to her emotionally. He tell her how much she doesn't like her how much she doesn't deserve happiness how much she can't stand her and so on. I've been there for as much as I can with also not listening to my own anger about the situation. I was pretty upset about the fact that she didn't just tell me these things before we got into a relationship but I love her so I just let it slide. She can be extremely needy needing me to text her on daily occasions and it can be frustrating when she has habits of lashing out on me over situations that aren't particularly about me. She'll be mad at a friend but if I talk about why that friend isn't the best right now and she'll lash out on me. Sometimes it can be particular phrases that bother her random ones that I don't know. Sometimes it's just if I fall asleep too early she will panic and blame me for the rest of the day. If I don't feel like talking she can kind of guilt trip. Not to say that she's not extremely supportive she helps out with a lot of things in my life family, job ideas, and more things. We don't do anything sexual just wanted to throw that out there. Sometimes she can just be in a particular mood. And recently I just don't know how I'm feeling. I've been trying hard to look for a job just so when she gets old enough she can move out and I'm trying to be her support without getting too involved to the point that makes her uncomfortable. I don't necessarily know what to do or how to feel about moments or problems . Thanks to me she says she is able to be happy and stop cutting. If it happens it takes a rare occasion based off too much stress from her father. Sometimes I don't know if I feel like if I knew the whole outline before I got into this and sometimes I don't know whether or not I'm happy. Usually we have long Happy Talk but every now and again she'll lash out while we're having a good moment and I don't want to yell at her or anything because her situation so it makes it hard to say everything on my mind. I've recently been having dreams I've seen other people but then have a dream where I'm with her and I'll be really happy. I really don't want to break up for anything cuz I want to be there for her but sometimes she makes it hard to be there and to make it worse I live with my mother who is a narcissist it doesn't care about our emotions or anything on an average, I could say these words and tell her how much my life hurts sometimes that she wouldn't even bat an eyelash or care then I just complained so sometimes and not in the best situation myself, I had two people pass away this year. How do you feel about the situation ? I haven't done anything legally wrong so don't worry about that I just want the opinion on what I should do in this situation. It's been 8 months I'm pretty sure we talk everyday for 5 month straight and over these last 3 months I've been feeling like this and kind of so so sometimes I really miss her sometimes she bugs me. She means a lot to me and the thought of her and paying her any problems or anything like that makes me like super angry. For waiting for 2 more years that's the plan. Sometimes I feel like I need to get myself out of the situation I don't want to leave her I really care about her . We work so hard do some work some this time . I don't know where they're not I'm just a bad person he likes a focus on himself . She says I'm always extremely kind to her I'm always looking out for her best interest and I'm always there for her but I don't know . I feel so self- centered. She'll often say I'm too hard on myself or that im trying to hard.
I don't know how to feel about this whole situation. My family likes for a lot. It makes me really sad that I'm not like the same happy person for her that I was the in the beginning. this is an anonymous entry.

Can you edit into paragraphs? Its a bit hard to read a wall of text. Thanks!

Question- have you guys seen each other in person and do you get to hang out with her from time to time or are you two still in a long distance relationship? I only ask so I can understand to what level you two are close with each other.

Okay I'm going to break it down for you and I hope this helps give you a good idea as to what you should do

First of all you should give yourself a pat on the back that you've stuck around for so long. You don't have to; you're not obligated to her.

Her lashing out at you is her way of saying she loves you. I know it's stupid but it's the whole idea that we get mad at the ones we love. For example if something goes wrong at work, my dad for no reason will try to pick a fight with my sister and she knows that he's not mad at her but he's just frustrated about something. From what you said, she comes from a very abusive family and if she's self harming or was means that she has a lot of pent up anger and since she can't take it out on her parents you're the next best thing. When she complains about a friend then just listen and don't offer any advice unless she asks you or ask too much questions because all she wants is someone to vent to and nothing else. Trust me us girls LOVE to vent and since she can't do that with her mom then she does it with you because she knows you'll listen.

Don't pay too much attention to what she does because right now she's all over the place. The stress of dealing with her parents and school and then being in a LDR can take a toll on people and she's only what 16 17? Anytime she gets upset then just listen to her and distract her; dont let her dwell on it too much because then you're going to start having pent up anger and you're going to slowly start resenting her. Every couple fights; what matters is how far and long you stretch it.

Make a plan with her about moving in together. From the looks of it neither of your parents are going to care if you fall off the face of the earth (sorry I wish you guys had better parents) she's legal to work so don't take all the responsibility on yourself. Does she have a job? If she doesn't, then talk to her and tell her that you're thinking that if you both work and save up money you'll be able to move in together by end of next year. Set a deadline and make a step by step plan as to how are you guys going to save up your money for the apartment and also how are you going to afford the expense that comes with living on your own. Under no circumstances should not going to college be an option for either of you. You're both young, get your degree especially you. Find a way where you both can go to college and still be able to support each other financially.

As far as her need to constantly be in contact with you is her way off fighting loneliness. She's only being clingy and needy because she's never had someone care about her the way you so in a way she's scared that if she doesn't hold onto it with dear life she'll lose it. So just text hear throughout the day and when you can't then just let her know that you'll text her in an hr or when you can. If she hates you going to sleep early then let her know before you go to sleep that you're tired and you're thinking about going to sleep and that you'll text her first thing in the morning.

Lastly, if something she does or says bothers you don't tell her right then and there. Tell her when she's in a good mood or if she tells you herself that she feels bad about what she did then don't right away say "it's okay" but admit that it did bother you but you understand that she did it because she was upset and that if next time you two can talk about it rather than getting mad at each other because you don't like fighting with her. This way she'll realize that what she's doing is hurting you but also that she needs to be responsible for her actions.

Hope this helps

I'm afraid she is just a typical product of an abusive home. Emotionally stunted and unable to cope with things in a healthy balanced way.
This isn't her fault, but nor will it change any time soon. God knows what another two years of living with that kind of emotional abuse will do.
Long term, even if you make it through and she is able to move in with you, she has a lifetime of learned behaviour to undo. It won't disappear because your together,the messiness will intensify cos she will be in a strange place with no one but you to turn to. You would need to ensure she had a job or college to look into so that she could socialise outside the relationship.

Not sure I agree with the previous post, waiting til she is in a good mood to point out the issues might begin to feel like a punishment. Especially since your unsure of her triggers and just what sends her spiralling out of control.

Yes she probably is lashing out at you because your all she has, but guess what, that's not ok. Nor are you expected to sit there and take it.

Your still young yourself and have things of your own to deal with. Your not expected to carry this kind of burden.

You said yourself if her age and mental state had been known to you in the first place you doubt you wld have got involved. This may well become something you resent as the relationship continues, and your anger builds.

I can't tell you what to do, all I know is that the quicker you decide if you love her or just feel sorry for her and obligated, the sooner you can start facing your decision.
Whatever that may be.
All the best, and remember your feelings, needs and wants are valid too.

I agree with Erebos, I used to be very permissive with one of my big sister because she had a more difficult childhood but I became aware that I was not responsible of that. It's not ok to accept abuse.
I would say to talk to her in a calm way and explain your feelings and if she doesn't want to make any efforts you decide to pursue the relationship of not

I think you can continue to be her friend, but you are both very young and have had abuse in your pasts. I think it's best if you both consider getting help (therapy) for your abuse.

I also think you are too young to be thinking about getting a job to support someone else right out of high school. You need to go to university and finish your education as well as does she.

If she reacts poorly to this and doesn't want to be your friend, there is nothing you can do. But you have to do what's best for yourself at this point. You have no responsibility to her.

Seesaw

alot of what you said has helped me talk to her better thank you but im still un sure about things. No we havent met in person, It was a app called meowchat. We dont to hang out and yeah we are .