Is my boyfriend a loser?

This post reminded me of it with 'loser bf' and the cat.

In OP's case, her bf is a user, not a loser. I hope you put your needs first. You only have one life. Why be used and abused?

I don't think you're being unfeeling or cold; it's just all you have known and what you feel you want, etc. What took me a very long time to learn (and I'm not so sure I've completely learned it yet :-) is that there is no "right" or "wrong" way to be? Because you like something or live a certain way does not make someone who likes something else or wants to live some other way, wrong or lazy or bad, etc.

I would look at how you developed/learned your attitude, why you did, etc. I still remember my therapist asking me to spend the week meditating on the emotion "disappointment" and I found disappointment popped up all week :-) The big issue that helped me was my husband decided to go to the race track instead of doing the dishes before he went, "his" chore. I told him I was disappointed he was doing that and he explained his back was killing him and he could not comfortably stand and bend to do the dishes at that time and was going to the track to, hopefully, distract himself from the pain! Well, that was quite different than the scenario that was in my head, what my own head had decided about my husband's choices? I loved my husband did not want him to hurt, wanted him to do whatever he could to feel better, etc. so then, what about the disappointment (at not getting my way? at things not being done the way I wanted/liked?). I realized my stepmother had made the rule, 40 years earlier :-) that you had to do the dishes right after you eat? Why??? What does it matter in the larger scheme of things? It matters because it had been drummed into me growing up is all.

I had already learned (which you might want to consider, the opposite) that I could live with this man who provided well, was the love of my life, and I could take the trash out OR I could provide not as well for myself, not have a love in my life, and take out the trash Either way, the trash has to be taken out. Either way you are going to work hard; why not relax and enjoy that you have a loving house-husband too? Otherwise, you work hard, are alone, and do the chores. Do what you want for you and relax about trying to get others to do what you want. If you want something a certain way and asking them to do you a favor and get it for you (you are responsible for getting what you want, no one else is) doesn't work -- they don't do it or don't want to do it/flat out say, "no" turn you down or whatever, then you have to do it yourself. I wanted the dishes done at a particular time to be comfortable so that's on me; I did the dishes while he went to the race track and I hoped and prayed he would feel better. If you care when the cat gets neutered (asking a guy to have a cat's balls cut off could have unconscious ramifications? :-) I would take it myself?

The OP has been with her bf for seven years.

At some point one needs to call a halt and move on. I don't know if this is the moment for that, but I do believe that seven years is a long time.

Yep. 'Me against the world attitude' Is exactly what my partner seems to suffer with too. I also find my man seems to be entitled. Not sure if this applies to yours. The constant excuses of why he cant do something gets old.. in the past 4 months of his unemployment I expected him to help with the kids and chores 50/50. Some days his excuse would be that he was so tired and his back hurt so he couldnt, or that he had other things he wanted to do that was important.

In your case, you may feel that he has to help out because you are working full time and paying his way. He SHOULD be trying to take some of the work off your shoulders.
Your best bet is to sit down when there is no tension and discuss how you feel, taken for granted and overworked by the looks of your posts. If he agrees and you can come to some sort of agreement that works for the both of you, great! You can both go from there and help your relationship grow. If more excuses come up, he seems to lack the empathy of your situation and doesn't at least try to understand, you know there is a problem.
Best of luck to you.

Okay, I didn't read all the replies, but let me tell you a little story. In undergrad, I majored in dance. Then I got into a very prestigious grad school for dance, and I got my MFA in dance, and yes, went into some debt to do it. THen danced professionally for awhile, but I couldn't make ends meet. I went into a related arts administration field, and had a steady paycheck, but I still worked in dance as my passion, but not for the money. After a time, I pursued my career in arts administration and have not only thrived but made a good career for myself. My love of dance and my contributions to the art form are still there, and I still do it, but I support myself and I don't rely on someone else to fund my dream.

Your BF is lazing around, doesn't sound like he's really doing anything to actually work on his music, btw, and using you to support him because he can't get work in his field. I couldn't get work in my field and even if I could have, it wouldn't have paid enough. I knew that going into my career and knew I was going to have to be creative to continue to be an artist and not live with my parents my whole life.

He says you don't support his music career (did I read that right?) but it doesn't sound like he supports his music career either. Like what is he actually doing to make it happen? I know LOADS of artists (all kinds, musicians to actors, etc.) who teach, give lessons, work in marketing and promotions, or do something related to pay the bills, while they work on their performance art. That's practically the story of how it works. They teach in after school programs or get a teaching certificate to teach in schools or have a solid wedding band, and that's how they make ends meet while they do their edgy REAL art stuff.

So, my point is, I don't think he's really trying at all to make it as an artist. Artists who make it have 10% talent and 90% effort. They are business people first and foremost and know how to promote themselves and network. It's not necessarily because they are the most talented (in fact that is frequently NOT the case).

Okay, so on to the next point...I think you know what you need to do. You sound miserable. You do not sound like you really love him. You sound like you have serious doubts about whether or not you will have a future with him. Change is scary, but I think you will be happy if you follow your gut and plan for your future and the kind of man that you really want to be with. It sounds to me like you are a hard working, successful individual who goes out and gets what she wants. Pity on the man who gets in your way...so why are you letting this loser get in your way?

And the cat thing? Yeah, that sounds like the story of your life. 10 times, 10 excuses?

I don't know about his emotional feelings about you, but he certainly doesn't respect you.

Short answer: KICK HIM TO THE CURB. YOU CAN DO BETTER. AND WILL. IN A HEARTBEAT.

Seesaw

Obsidian, the OP has been picking up the cheque for the last 7 YEArS.
Reasonably how many more years of her life does she give this guy before he pulls his head out of his asse?

She has done Nothing but support him. There in lies the problem, he has forgot how to look after himself, and has lost the pride that goes with being a provider and supporter for your family.
Seesaw has it bang on, if you want to be in the arts you have to fund it first.
How many people aspire to be actors? Thousands but they have to run other jobs in the meantime.And in the end we might never even know who they were, because they can't all be famous.

I don't understand why if he loves production so much he isn't earning, to get software and a sound desk. Why he isn't out there Sampling local talent and running up free demo''s for them.
He is going to fall behind with the programs (software)etc. If he doesn't keep a hand in.

None of this is the OP's responsibility. It is never acceptable to expect another person to support you, especially if your a fully capable adult. Certainly not for the best part of a decade.

And one more thing,who'd pay for his therapist, that he needs?
Take a guess.

Anyway enough grumbling. We may just have to accept a differing of opinion on this one.

For crying out loud, "Making It Big In Music" is a child's fantasy with the likelihood of simultaneously winning an American state lottery and being struck by a meteorite. It's not a pragmatic or remotely realistic life strategy for an adult. Sweep the leg.

I love it when someone says I have it "bang on."

I didn't read the whole thing, so I might be missing something. But from what I read, you are thinking your boyfriend might be a loser because he is not a good provider. So do you think of stay-at-home moms as losers also? Or is it different for a man?

I suggest you read the whole thing.