Am I being selfish or asking too much from my girlfriend

Hi everyone, New here and really looking to get some outside advice. Have read tons of stuff for awhile but finally posting for myself.

Here goes
I'm 27 and my girlfriend is 25. We live together and split the bills for the most part. And, no kids just us and our cat. Im a gamer and I like to have my time on the game to relax. it's my way of relaxing. I work 5 days of the week, I work anywhere from 40-46 hours a week roughly. I wake up at 4 am and get off usually at 2 or 3pm. My girlfriend works 3 days a week (3-12 hours shifts) 36 hours a week. she gets up at 6 am and starts at 7am til 7pm.

Here's where we argue. I make more money than her and I cover more of the bills when it comes to the groceries and personal stuff or for our cat. I'm fine with that and I never bring it up until she throws a fit for me not cleaning when I get home in the afternoons. instead I either take a nap or a I play my game for a few hours. I tell her that she has 4 days off a week can you just use one day to do the cleaning and she does that but then throws a fit later about it. She says that I'm taking advantage of her. I also always pay when we go out on any kind of date or event. I've even told her can you just not give me as much money as you do and just take care of the cleaning. It's honestly not that bad, were two people that work too much to cause any real messes. It's pretty much laundry and dishes that accumulate through the week. She doesn't want me to take less money from her and I feel like it's because she wants to argue about this all the time.

She says all I do is play my game after work and I should straighten up the place instead of leaving it for her and maybe she's right but I feel like If I clean then it takes away from my relaxing time and then when were off together on my only 2 days off vs her 4, I'm not allowed to look at my video game unless she's asleep.

Really looking for some honest opinions and advice. Thanks

Money does not equate to doing chores around the house. Whilst you may think that your monetary contributions which amount to more than hers may exonerate you from housework activities, it doesn't.

But.

The fact that you work longer hours can be taken into consideration.

Sounds like you need a balance.

Too much game time when the house is a mess is not cool if some of the stuff is yours.

You should consider doing chores that you can do whilst your games are on - like throw a load in the washing machine.

No I don't think my answer is going to be a popular one. Just calling it like I see it.

Not saying do all the chores. Just saying give a bit of help.

Could the two of you agree to working together (or in parallel) on the cleaning for a few set hours a week or even half an hour a day? Another thing that worked for me in the past was to split up the tasks----(and change it up now and then)---sit down and each take responsibility for certain routine tasks for, say, the next month or two....eg: doing dishes, taking out trash, cleaning the bathroom...)
This would make it something you both work on....the financial equity may change over time but the housework will always be there. It is only human to bring up perceived/actual examples of "I do this...you don't...etc" when upset. The thing is to prevent the upset from happening.

When there is an issue in an otherwise healthy relationship in my view it is best to stop for a moment and try to be a bit critical of oneself and forgiving of one's partner.

With that in mind I propose to look a bit critically at what you said.

It was jarring to me to hear that in essence you offered her money to clean for you. This approach threatens to turn her from your partner into your maid.

She has four days off but the fact is that she is working a full time job, just like you are. I imagine that working 12 hours is stressful, particularly if she works in a hospital or other setting where critical mistakes can readily be made. I am not hearing you give her equal respect as a full-time worker whose time off is just as valuable as your own.

If you told us that you came home and drank to relax after work for a few hours (how long is a few hours?) many might wonder whether you are misusing alcohol. Is it possible that you are misusing video games to address your work related stress?

Lastly, having a forgiving attitude to one's partner is quite different from your claim that she wants to argue about this all the time. Rather than speculate in a negative manner about her motivation, what if you assume that she is doing the best that she can, just like you are? And act on that assumption.

I do question some of her behaviors as you report them. She is passive aggressive to do the cleaning and then "throw a fit" (a disparaging term) about it later. Your comment about how you are not allowed to play video games when you are together I think is worth looking at. It sounds like you carry a deep resentment about however it is decided that you cannot play on the two days you are together until she is asleep.

She might carry resentment as well about the way you speak about money. When you say that you never mention it "...until she throws a fit" (again a disparaging term) about cleaning acknowledges that you do bring it up.

I would like to think that these differences could be amicably resolved with the good faith assumption on both sides that each is doing the best that he/she can. If not, I wonder if you would consider couples counseling.

My first observation is in how you state what you're saying. In my mind it says quite a bit about your attitude toward your gf, and your feelings toward what you think your role is in the relationship and it's quite honestly not a positive thing.

Statements such as "I like to have my time on the game to relax" Understandable but coupled with the fact that you then go on to point out just how much you feel you work more and you give a schedule pointing out details of your busy life, it begins to make me wonder if you might somehow feel "entitled" to have the right to ask her to do more and that you have the right to more time to yourself. Almost as though the way you state it is as if your leisure time is more "precious" I see no counter point in how you recognize that she needs down time, I see no point where you're giving her grace and an attitude of providing her but more of a competitive nature in your statements.

I imagine that your arguments can be summed up in a debate of one upping each other and stating things like "but I do this... and this... " followed up by the other partner countering with their perspective on how things really are. it's a problem and I won't condescend to make it sound as if your situation is worse than so many others, because the truth is this is the battle of the ages where relationships only last when couples can get past this.

It bothers me that in more than one point you bring up money and bills and how you pay more than her, pay for the dates. It bothers me because in a true love relationship, one does not chalk up points for themselves to use at a later point in persuading the other to do something more. it's great that you take care of bills and pay her way, but honestly this should be not a game of "if I do this more, then I'm entitled to ask her to... [insert task of choice]. I'm sorry but that's the wrong way to approach a relationship.

I also do not like that when you mention how she handles things it's "she throws a fit"

Take this analogy. I'm a parent and I point out to my kid that I pay for his roof, his food, his everything, he should do more around the house and basically tell him he should be thankful. Does it work? I can tell you without a doubt it NEVER EVER EVER works. Same goes for a spouse, or other SO in a relationship. If we make it seem as though we are doing so much more than they are and try to use this to motivate them to do more for us, it will have the same result. Turn the tables to yourself. What if the more often she gave you sex, that she used that in order to get you to do something more? What would you do? YOu would dig your feet in the dirt more. it's a human reaction. Stop using your caretaker "status" to get her to contribute more.

This honestly goes much deeper and far more needs to be addressed here but honestly I think it's going to take a change of heart on your part to start. Do things for her, pay for things for her, and take care of her, via bills etc because you want to. Leave it at that and that, my friend is how you love your gf. never bring up how much you paid for this or that or the other thing... and make comparisons.

I just wanted to point out that I missed the thing stating she was doing 12 hour days. My ex (who lives with me still) does 12 hour days and I will say right now that it is a far longer day and more stressful than an 8.

If everyone picks up after themselves this rarely becomes an issue.

Everyday take a walk through you're house and pick up things out of order. Both

Dishes? It takes probably less than 15 mins to wash a sink of dishes, dry and put away daily. She wash you dry type deal.

Basically offering to pay her or have her pay less if she does the cleaning ? That would infuriate me .

Laundry ? Toss a load in , both of you.

Mind you all of the about chores can be done by both. Anyone can spend 15 mins daily to keep a home clean.

If daily chores are taken care of by both then get on the game, she can do whatever she wants.

Do you both take care of the cat? Litter box ... etc ? That's a a daily chore.

Mountains out of molehills can lead to no good for both.

In your case...I would pay someone to come and clean once a week.

You're happy, she's happy...

Sounds like it's an issue mostly on the days she's working. Knock off the game an hour before she gets home, gather up the dishes and wash em( or stick em in the dishwasher) pick up clothes. Cast an eye around and note what she will see when walking in the door and just straight'n. Go back to the game.

Since you asked your GF to not contribute by as much money as she does to take care of cleaning instead, it sounds reasonable what sophiesmom suggested to hire someone using the "extra" money she contributes.

If this doesn't work, here is another suggestion: you contribute (monetary-wise) more by your own choice. Doing more in cleaning for her would be her own choice (I assume she does her own cleaning, but not you). If you expect her to do more cleaning because you contribute by more money but she doesn't want or like to, then I would suggest to split everything including costs and cleaning 50-50. This way you both feel you are equal, regardless of your respective income.

Didn't read all the responses. My brother and his wife had this issue. They made a list of all the household chores, how long they take to complete, and assigned them out according to how much time they take and who has the most time. He was working full time and on call, she was working barely even part-time and was a new mother.

Having the chore responsibilities split up and agreed upon helped meet off any arguments. I think you could sit down with her and do the same. Doesn't mean you get out of doing chores, just means she may do the more time consuming chores, while it's your job to do some of the quicker ones, like emptying out the dishwasher each day, while she does the laundry and vaccuuming, or whatever.

Good luck,
seesaw

How do you get along otherwise?
To me it seems like there are deeper issues than gaming and cleaning.

Also, it just seems like you both aren't fond of doing the cleaning....so how about alternating weeks..and that would solve that problem.

Then if another problem arises..than I would think it is time to look at the relationship.

Sorry I don't get how this is an issue there is only two of you. All you have to do is pick up after yourself. Do your own laundry. Whoever cooks the other does the,dishes. You take hoovering, she takes dusting and surfaces.
Cat litter, you do the days she is doing 12 hr shifts. She does the other days. One day each the weekend.
Job done.
You still game she still does whatever. And you go out on weekends.

I love gaming, have four kids am a single parent and still game.
It's doable.
If she is still spitting feathers after a fairway split.

Then the problem is something else.
All the best.

I like sophiesmom's solution the best so far....it is something I wish I had done at a time when I could have and it really would have made things so much easier---and it gives someone the job who wants it.

I wanted to post back to everyone and say thanks. over the last couple of months I have been trying different things that were suggested and also very busy with work. Some stuff has worked and some has not. Right now I'm going with the flow and trying to help out more with chores and gave my games up for the most part besides a couple hours a week now instead of once a day. Thanks all have a blessed day

That's awesome!

Good stuff,glad to hear it. All the best.

I may not be qualified to answer this because I suck with relationships, but I will give my 2c anyways, because why not.

Your girlfriend seems to be the selfish one here. I mean, you're the one that seems to be paying for most of the expenses AND you work more hours than her so she should be the one doing the cleaning; not because she's female but because you are clearly the one contributing the most to your household.

Personally, if it were me, I would be out the door. Then again, that's why I don't do well with relationships; I have a low tolerance for people's BS.

EDIT: didn't realize you found a solution. I'm too tired for PC lol. Still though, as a gamer myself, I wouldn't give up my games for anyone but I hope it goes well for you.