[milianoart]

Hi there,

firstly thank you for this website, it helps to talk about issues.

Long story short, I have a friend she works with me for the past 3 years. We got to know each other as friends, (she is married 28yr old with son 2yr), I am 43. She started reaching out to me a lot for help , advice and comfort cause her hubby well in plain just doesn't give a damn. He told her she wanted the kid and its her problem. Well cutting it short , over 2yrs we admitted having more than just friends feelings. She told me openly she is inlove with me and I too felt the same. She started getting her divorce in place , before she told me this, and did it out of her own. Long story short this divorce never took place apparently he kept tearing the lawyer papers up, and it came to the point where I don't do the cheating or deception thing. I told her I can be her friend I am to deep in my feelings she needs to decide and I moved on. Well she contacted me the next day begging me to wait and told me she is getting a court date and I just need to wait a little longer. So, now its 3months I haven't heard from her, I see her at work everyday but she just completely wrote me off, in the sense she just didn't follow up and never met me to discuss our future. I took this as a clear sign she just wasn't committed and decided to cower and not go through with it. My question and problem, I see her and I love her and her so much, but it hurts and has started affecting my work and I have become very cold towards her. I treat her with professional respect, and courteous, but I don't want to confront her, cause she says every time what I want to hear, and no action behind it. I cant stop check her w-app profile, and she knows how to get my attention at work and uses it to try and lock me in...thus far I have not given into this, and kept it professional, but I don't know what steps to take to get over this woman. I want to move on, but I cant change jobs I love my job it pays very well and I am very happy, but this is turning into an obsession and I am not that type of guy. I was very confident and funny and outgoing and now I am the opposite. please help!!!

[woe-be-gone]

I'm am so sorry you are going through this. It is a very difficult position to be and I can completely relate. You have already taken the first step to feeling better by acknowledging the situation. There isn't any quick solution but just allowing yourself the time to accept the situation, feel the giref and slowly begin to move on. You will be alright! Continue to take care of yourself. Occupy your time doing things you enjoy or pampering yourself. The confident, funny, outgoing person you truly are will be back before you know it!!

[LookingforCalm]

I agree with woe-be-gone.

You are doing a hell of a job keeping things professional, as I imagine dealing with this at work must be difficult. As someone in management, I know how much time is spent with co-workers

As someone who has been through the ringer, I think actions speak louder than words. Keep it clean at work, and try to talk to someone who is empathetic. DO you have an EAP?
Employee Assistance Program?

I'm about to use mine!

[milianoart]

Originally Posted by woe-be-gone

I'm am so sorry you are going through this. It is a very difficult position to be and I can completely relate. You have already taken the first step to feeling better by acknowledging the situation. There isn't any quick solution but just allowing yourself the time to accept the situation, feel the giref and slowly begin to move on. You will be alright! Continue to take care of yourself. Occupy your time doing things you enjoy or pampering yourself. The confident, funny, outgoing person you truly are will be back before you know it!!

Thank you for the kind words and yes, you are right, and I will do exactly as you say. I just hope I will move on, cause I know I can be amazing man and father and husband to the right girl. Blessings for your advice and time to answer me.

[milianoart]

Firstly to Woe-be Gone,

thank you for your kind words and advice, it is so much appreciated. I just want to find myself and give myself to the right girl and with all my heart. thank you so much.

LookingforCalm? no I don't have a EAP in our company...but I know that I am on the right track, and will have to accept there are people who will hurt and lie and cower when actions are required, I just have to keep reminding myself its not me, but her that has the problem. thank you so much!

[Sunflower123]

You sound like a really nice guy and you're doing the right thing. It will take time but you'll get there. Best wishes

[milianoart]

Thank you Jennifer, I try to be I truly do... today she is flirting with other guys and makes it so hard to move on, but I keep telling myself I am better off. its strange how she wants to keep hurting me, but she is the one who cowers and doesn't fight for what she wants and walked away. again thank you truly~

[Entity06]

Her situation seems complicated, with a child and that husband of hers. It's often hard to leave a marriage and there's backtracking because when there's a child it's almost like that marriage is still a bit of a safety net in a way, there's lots of second guessing.

So I wouldn't take it extremely personal, you've definitely done nothing wrong since you didn't go purposefully looking for love and wanted to wait to have a proper, fair relationship with her. This is all on her and honestly, although it's probably hard, she should just seek to have an honest conversation with you, to just tell you that she's not going to do anything, for whatever reason. It's not fair to just ignore it, a bit cowardly, and keeps you in limbo emotionally too.

As someone else said, you do sound like a great guy, I could only hope for someone decent and warm like that, so you deserve a good relationship with someone who doesn't do this sort of thing.

It's unfortunate you have to suffer through this, it's definitely a let down and it's hard to still love someone you can't be with, maybe more so when you thought there was a good chance you'd be together. Maybe if you do your best not to have any obvious reaction to her and the things she does, she might try talking in the end or at least stop what she's doing now. Or just straight up tell her what she's doing is not fair.

[lark265]

My first thought was that this person is just not being honorable with you....she KNOWS how you feel, yet is content to let you face the emotional pain every day.....I mean, it sounds like she is pretty sure what she wants right now, at least for the short term, but the kind thing to do would be to talk things over with you....because you are definitely involved........hang in

[milianoart]

Firstly Entity06...

I cant tell you how completely at peace your message and especially your words put my heart in. Thank you so much!

I spent 2 years, being there early hours taking her place while her son was very ill in hospital... I used to sneak in cooked food late at night cause she was hungry and well couldn't leave her son bedside, scared he would cry.

All along I fell in love with him and then her, cause she is truly a wonderful mom. But yes, her and her husband have 8yr marriage, and I never intended to complicate her life, but instead be a solid friend, but through struggles and being there day after day...even the sons b-day dad would not even show, I would setup a party and gifts and again always in the background...never could say it was from me, although her mother new.

I will do as you said, and I will keep on being myself, and hope I meet the right girl. I love to be a dad and even more a husband , and I know my true soul mate is near. thank you all of you , this has helped me so much.

In closing my biggest challenge is I don't want to believe that those years spent together, meant nothing to her...and she could just close that chapter after her words she is completely and totally in love with me is still fresh in a letter months ago before she went quiet and just cowered back to her hubby...well I thk.

Entity, as the saying goes it takes a wonderful person to know one, thank you truly.

[milianoart]

Originally Posted by lark265

My first thought was that this person is just not being honorable with you....she KNOWS how you feel, yet is content to let you face the emotional pain every day.....I mean, it sounds like she is pretty sure what she wants right now, at least for the short term, but the kind thing to do would be to talk things over with you....because you are definitely involved........hang in

I think life has not yet taught her true values and integrity, and she is still immature as far as romance and love is concerned... and would rather run and cower and not have to stand up for what she truly wants...and rather leave me in limbo. But if I truly loved her , I have to accept that just because I loved her maybe she was not meant for me, but to help her heal and get past that hard time with her son. thank you again!

[Entity06]

Originally Posted by milianoart

Firstly Entity06...

I cant tell you how completely at peace your message and especially your words put my heart in. Thank you so much!

I spent 2 years, being there early hours taking her place while her son was very ill in hospital... I used to sneak in cooked food late at night cause she was hungry and well couldn't leave her son bedside, scared he would cry.

All along I fell in love with him and then her, cause she is truly a wonderful mom. But yes, her and her husband have 8yr marriage, and I never intended to complicate her life, but instead be a solid friend, but through struggles and being there day after day...even the sons b-day dad would not even show, I would setup a party and gifts and again always in the background...never could say it was from me, although her mother new.

I will do as you said, and I will keep on being myself, and hope I meet the right girl. I love to be a dad and even more a husband , and I know my true soul mate is near. thank you all of you , this has helped me so much.

In closing my biggest challenge is I don't want to believe that those years spent together, meant nothing to her...and she could just close that chapter after her words she is completely and totally in love with me is still fresh in a letter months ago before she went quiet and just cowered back to her hubby...well I thk.

Entity, as the saying goes it takes a wonderful person to know one, thank you truly.

Wow, I wasn't expecting my humble attempt at a well thought out reply to have that big an affect but I'm glad if it did! You don't have to thank me for it.

I gotta' say, if you're really like you sound, I'm sure I am not wrong in saying most people, men and women, would love to have a partner and friends like you! So you definitely deserve all the best and someone who is ready to reciprocate.

Now, I obviously don't know this woman and can only judge based on your side of the story(which, as honest as it may be, is still not providing direct access into her mind), but I would say it's unlikely she doesn't or didn't care for you. You clearly formed a strong bond and through sharing of tough moments, which tends to help emotional connections as it involves vulnerability, trust and support. It's unlikely she was lying so it's probably just that she's confused and scared and caught between two lives, with a child who will always be directly affected by all of the decisions she makes.

In the end you can only give it time and try to discourage her behavior, like I said in my first comment. The distance will help you too and it should help her make up her mind. She's in a situation where this behavior is sort of understandable but it could also be that she's emotionally not very trustworthy, in the sense that the way she feels isn't super steady.

I do hope you won't let a bad experience change your gentle, loving heart because the world could use more men who are not afraid to be that way. I'm sure you'll find someone great.

[milianoart]

Again thank you Entity06...

You message as always is spot on, and as to her mind, I truly think that she is immature and does not know what true love is cause she only knows the sad excuse of her husbands cold and unfeeling behaviour.

I think she loved the attention, and knows how to always get me back, but I must say she underestimates the power of love , and when you realise you had someone who loved you so much and beyond, and you threw it away it will be a sad day, cause by then she will only be a sweet memory but no more feelings from my side.

In closing, I choose to remember only the good in her, and despite her cold and selfish and lets admit it...cower behaviour ... I still love her and will for awhile, and even if she hurts me, I will never let her tarnish the memories I have with her son and her.

Thank you, I am so blessed to have found this wonderful website and esp. you and the rest of the kind members advice and re-assurance.

I will definitely let you know ...not if, but when I have met my dream girl :-)

Wonderful day to you and this heart of mine will stay kind and overflowing with love, cause someone out there is wondering what's taking me so long to get into her life