[jjh78]

Hello, everyone!

I'm new to this forum, but I've read great posts and feel comfortable in writing about the issues of my life from the relationship side of things.

Last year I decided to divorce my wife of nearly 11 years. It wasn't easy to do, but it was the right thing to do. She wasn't abusive in the physical sense -- it was more verbal. There were issues with having to take care of her family financially while she wouldn't work for the last three years. I held on as long as I could to make it work for my stepdaughter.

The divorce wasn't a pretty one but seemed like it may be at first. On 21 February we decided to split on what felt like good terms. By that Saturday she had drained my bank account and changed the locks on the house. It was finalized by the beginning of November, but the toll it took was tough.

On top of that, I started dating a woman that I had known forever. We felt it would be good for both of us to rent a place together since it would be cheaper in the long run for both of us. I can feel some eyes rolling after reading this paragraph

What I didn't realize about my girlfriend is she has some psychological issues. Our second day at the new house she was crying about this being a bad idea. Most days I feel as though I walk on eggshells because I simply don't know what version of her I'll get when I walk through the door.

But the reason for her actions came clearer this past Monday when she was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. It was a relief to both of us that it can be treated, but it is a long road. I now know the anger she would direct my way wasn't really toward me but came out of the illness.

Tonight we had a terrible fight that I feel I escalated after trying to use one of the suggestions I read on one of the many sites over the past few days to defuse the situation. The amount of embarrassment I feel right now is killing me inside, but she is still mad at me. I fear that I pushed her too far after a day where she had her second intense session in the same week after the diagnosis.

I rarely burst out in anger over anything. And I did this to a woman I love. I felt like a monster. I did apologize almost immediately, but I probably should have waited to do so.

I bring all of this up because I want to know what I'm doing wrong in finding women that aren't altogether there emotionally.

I don't want to lose my girlfriend as she begins this journey to clarity, but am I holding her back? Should I be alone for a while before trying to piece my own life back together?

I apologize if this post sounds selfish but I could really use advise.

[Open Eyes]

How about you? Have you tried to engage in therapy for yourself? It sounds like you are hopping from being a codependent for one woman to now another. It would be beneficial for you if you saw a therapist for yourself so you can dig into how you may be unknowingly falling for the wrong kind of partner and work on "yourself" before jumping into another relationship where you take on the same role playing that ends up making you miserable. If you are in a new relationship with a woman who has the challenge of borderline personality disorder you will end up becoming a punching bag while she works out understanding the depth of her challenge. That is a lot to deal with and could prove to causing you to endure a lot of stressful toxic interactions where you "are" walking on eggshells.

Walking away from a challenge like this doesn't mean you are a bad person either.

[s4ndm4n2006]

I agree with Open Eyes in that you should get some therapy yourself in all honesty.

I will say that it's quite unfair to assume that anyone would become a punching bag because the partner they chose is BPD. It is not a given fact that this is the case every time nor is it fair to assume that a bpd person will be abusive, mean or any of these things. I am personally tired of the stigma of not only bpd but bipolar and other mental illnesses and disorders. We need to be careful about promoting this kind of stereotypical thinking. /end rant.

Here's what I see from the OP though. You state that "I want to know what I'm doing wrong in finding women that aren't altogether there emotionally" This seems to imply that you have everything together and that the females you choose are broken and unstable and does nothing to be introspective or self observant.

I do realize that you're asking the question because you realize something is not working here in your situation.

first thought I had was how quickly you moved on from what you call a difficult divorce situation and from an abusive wife and into a new relationship where you not only started dating but made a very significant commitment - getting a house together - very quickly too.

I mention this because it says more about you than it does about your gf that has been diagnosed with bpd. We can look at her diagnosis and could possibly understand why she so quickly jumped into a relationship with you but she's only one part of the equation. You made the same impulsive decision to commit. I do not say this to chastise anyone here, especially not you because frankly I have made enough questionable and/or impulsive decisions of my own but I say this from an outside perspective analyzing what and how you've said about the situation.

I am simply saying, your gf may have issues herself, that may be true but I see someone in you, someone that is desperate to make a new connection very quickly after a break up and that is typically not a sign of healthy relationship beginnings.

[jjh78]

Thank you for responding to me -- it's great to have fresh on my situation.

I actually began seeing a therapist in September last year. It's something I should have done from the once my divorce began, but stupid me thought I could get through it by just keeping my mind busy by burying my head in work. That was a mistake. But little by little I'm making headway for myself. It's also shown me I don't have my ***** together.

Moving in with my girlfriend I admit was incredibly impulsive, and I perhaps should have been on my own to find myself and give more time to find out more about her. But I can only handle the situation as it stands now.

I admit to having a fear of being alone, which likely played a part in moving so fast in my next relationship.

Something my therapist told me is I've got this desire to be a savior for people. Always trying to be everything for everyone, while neglecting what I need for myself.

The only thing my therapist and I haven't truly discussed in-depth is why I fall for the wrong kind of partner for me. Although I see the good in my girlfriend. I know it's her journey to make internally, but I want to be there for her.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by jjh78

Thank you for responding to me -- it's great to have fresh on my situation.

I actually began seeing a therapist in September last year. It's something I should have done from the once my divorce began, but stupid me thought I could get through it by just keeping my mind busy by burying my head in work. That was a mistake. But little by little I'm making headway for myself. It's also shown me I don't have my ***** together.

Moving in with my girlfriend I admit was incredibly impulsive, and I perhaps should have been on my own to find myself and give more time to find out more about her. But I can only handle the situation as it stands now.

I admit to having a fear of being alone, which likely played a part in moving so fast in my next relationship.

Something my therapist told me is I've got this desire to be a savior for people. Always trying to be everything for everyone, while neglecting what I need for myself.

The only thing my therapist and I haven't truly discussed in-depth is why I fall for the wrong kind of partner for me. Although I see the good in my girlfriend. I know it's her journey to make internally, but I want to be there for her.

Funny thing is, you said your t and you have not talked about why you fall for the wrong women. but you've already answered your question unconsciously.

1. your therapist stated that you have a desire for being a savior to people - you're one then, that likes to be "needed" to help. This is part of your core belief system in that you feel valued if you can help someone which typically means you like to be the strong, stable one. So therefore 1st thing to realize is this is part of why you find women you have described as broken and challenged - they need help. Even if you dont' know it initially something in your recognizes this weakness in them and you are attracted to that.

2. second thing that is part of this, in my mind, anyway. You admitted to being fearful of being alone. How does this play into this? Well not only does it make you impulsive, I do think that it partially affects who you choose. Being afraid of being alone one would naturally desire to have someone dependent on them, they rarely leave, as they "need" the helpful person.

Just a couple of observations. I could be wrong and of course I am in no way a professional, just intellectual and analytical myself.

[jjh78]

You just blew my mind right now, s4ndm4n2006. Never thought of it that way.

What you said makes a lot of sense. And it's something I can bring up during my next session.

That does lead me into asking if this is a bad thing to have this savior mentality. Although I do readily admit it doesn't sound like a positive to want to find people - consciously and unconsciously - that give me that feeling of needing me.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by jjh78

You just blew my mind right now, s4ndm4n2006. Never thought of it that way.

What you said makes a lot of sense. And it's something I can bring up during my next session.

That does lead me into asking if this is a bad thing to have this savior mentality. Although I do readily admit it doesn't sound like a positive to want to find people - consciously and unconsciously - that give me that feeling of needing me.

I dont' think that wanting to help people is a bad thing. The problem with it is when it becomes a need of your own. when you "need" to feel like you're helping someone in order to feel good about yourself or even just fulfilled, then it's really what makes relationships become codependent.

Wanting to find someone that will need you, to an extent is natural too. but it also kind of alludes to the idea that it is something missing in ourselves when we need that in an unbalanced way, as in it is far too important of a thing for us when finding a mate. ideally we should really want to find someone that is our equal intellectually, and otherwise and someone that is independent but is with us by choice but, of course, this is one of those "in a perfect world" situations and doesn't happen often.

You've started with self-inspection here, and this is a good thing. definitely talk to your t about these things if you've found anything I've said to have merit.. I hope all of this helps..

[Open Eyes]

I did not mean to fall into stereotyping and I apologize if I offended anyone. I think it's important to read about it however so you understand what that challenge means and some individuals take a long time to work through it and understand it themselves especially when they are just recently diagnosed.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

I did not mean to fall into stereotyping and I apologize if I offended anyone. I think it's important to read about it however so you understand what that challenge means and some individuals take a long time to work through it and understand it themselves especially when they are just recently diagnosed.

I understand and dont' think that you meant to offend. It is true that different diagnoses have certain commonality and traits that are shared which is why they can diagnose people at all, but the trap lies in the fact that when we start labeling even when it's appropriate it's very easy to fail to see the individual in a situation.. It's kind of a catch 22 in that diagnoses are good for people to have when needed but it also may cause us to overlook people as more than their challenges sometimes, even when we are trying not to do so.

[Open Eyes]

I agree s4ndm4n2006. It definitely is important to see the individual even though they may be experiencing a diagnosed challenge. It's important to read about the challenge itself so that the individual who is in a relationship has a better idea how this challenge can affect a relationship and why these challenges come up. This is important, especially if this member wants to stay in the relationship and "help/support" this partner that is experiencing this challenge. I do think it's important to know if this woman partner is going to get therapy and work on her challenge.

[jjh78]

You didn't offend me at all, Open Eyes. I appreciate any and all points of view for anything I post.

I've done my utmost to read as much possible on her challenge and how to help in any way I can when she's stressed. I do need to ask her directly on how best to communicate with her when she is overwhelmed.

I also purchased a book titled "Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder" that had many positive reviews.