Toxic relationship, seeking help to get out

Hello everybody. I'm new here.

I am in a toxic relationship, I've known this for a while, but I'm just now really facing it. And I don't know how to get out of it, even though I want to and know is the healthy thing to do.

Please bare with me, I'm gonna vent a little bit...

I met him in the 2014 World Cup in Brazil, we live in different countries, having a long distance relationship with plans of living together. We fell in love really hard and intense. I was even with someone else at the time and I broke things off with that person (who was pretty wonderful) to be with this person, because of the intensity of my feelings and of it all. I regret so much to have broken things off with that other guy, but it's way too late now.

I'm an optimistic girl, a bit naive, was way more before I met my current partner. I used to be always smiling, very friendly and outgoing. I'm also very stubborn, a bit argumentative and hard on myself more than anyone. I always try to do what's right, that's important to me. I don't like conflict and believe there's always possible to understand each other, as I sad, an optimist.

I am now severely depressed. Don't go out anymore, don't do much at all anymore. I sit here, binge-watching tv shows just so I don't have to think. I cry a lot and have severe anxiety. I can't even fall asleep without sound in my ears and I haven't been able to concentrate enough to do my job, which is hard since I work online from home.

My current partner had a really rough childhood, him and his mother on their own, she was sick most of his life and died almost 10 years ago. He always had to take care of her and he has a lot of repressed anger because of all that. Also, I feel like he can't grasp basic human emotions, not really. I feel like he's numbed from his childhood. He's also incredibly smart, generous and creative, but of course, that's not the toxic part.

The toxic part is all that anger that he has inside. I happen to be around most of the time and I get the bitter end of it. He gets so incredibly angry over the most minute things, if things are not as he expected. He has lied, cheated on me, manipulated and is emotionally abusive. And I keep allowing it. He can sometimes fixate in the smallest word that I say and we spend hours on it, with him insulting me, belittling me, ridiculizing my feelings and just not letting go until he's satisfied. Last time I went to stay with him for 3 months and I ended up just staying 1 after he called me useless, said I wasn't as important as any of his ex-girlfriends and said he didn't love me anymore. So I left. It took everything out of me to leave. He never thought that I would do it, so he was kind of shocked when I left. I didn't even think that I would do it, and I still don't know how I got the strength to leave.

This all happened a month ago and my life has been paralyzed since. I'm literally avoiding living it. Sometimes I can't breathe and just tears roll down without even thinking. And there he comes back, saying all the wonderful things and all the beautiful promises of a great future and all the love that he has, and that he wants me back, that he truly loves me and all that he said in anger should just be viewed as that, things said during a heated moment. And of course my heart goes immediately to him. I feel like I love him so much, like I truly care and love him. And if I really love him, I should be able to take whatever crap he throws my way, because he had a rough life and because I didn't. I had a pretty stable and strong family life and childhood. So I think how is it that I'm not able to withstand whatever anger he has because he had it so rough? And countless of other rationalizations.

I physically left him, but emotionally I'm still there. I don't know what to do anymore. It's been 2,5 years and I have seriously tried, really, really, tried to make him happy, to make his life better, to support whatever problem, to be by his side, to not "abandon him" as he says everybody in his life does. But it's so hard. I'm destroyed. My family and friends really don't like him, because they've seen him yelling at me and they've seen how much more sad I am since we've been together. I tell him I love him, I tell him that I wanna see him again, and I mean it. I tell him I want him happy and I mean it. I feel like at any moment I'm gonna buy a ticket and go back to see him. I've already checked prices and airlines.

I never had a relationship like this one. All my other relationships were so "normal", not that they didn't have issues, but nothing like this. They were stable relationships and he's so unstable. I never thought I would be one of "those" women who stay in relationships like this one. But I am. And I don't know how to stop, I feel like I'm obsessed with it, checking all the time if he sent me a message, fixated on talking every day to him. And I do nothing else, except cry a lot.

Sorry about the long post.

Any comment, advice or perspective will be really appreciated, any at all. I just want to be the person I used to be, I completely lost myself. I want to not feel sadness and angst anymore.

Thanks for reading,

L

((hugs)) Welcome to PC. ((hugs))

You've done what most girls in toxic relationships don't do, which was to acknowledge his abusiveness and do something about it, to leave. You cannot fix him. You cannot change him. You go back to him, and you go back to the yelling and the anger and the hurt and if you leave the country, he may not let you come back. You acknowledge you are hurting, you acknowledge he is at fault and you are not to blame, and you acknowledge you want out, that's great! You must face the difficult decision to not go back. There's no easy way or right way to do this, but you must realize your physical and mental health and even your life are in jeopardy if you stay.

My suggestion is to quit cold turkey. Block his texts, block his calls, block his emails, block all communications with him and don't look back. No, he absolutely does not need an explanation or an apology. His actions are unforgivable, as hard as it is, and you do not need to justify your leaving, and you do not need to speak to him to find closure. With toxic friendships I've had, I wrote them heartfelt letters, that I felt hurt and needed closure, sealed them up, and stuck them in a box, never mailing it to them. They don't need closure or an explanation or an apology, I do, but they don't need a word from me to get that closure.

I hope you can find solace in your parents and friends and the will to leave him behind. Best of luck.

I agree that stopping cold turkey is the way to go. No more contact.

But you might need help and support in doing this. Could you tell friends, family that you are dropping him and ask them to help you over the rough times? Could you get a therapist, or share with the one you have if you have one, and get her/him to help with this project of ridding yourself of this abusive guy?

This idea that, if someone had a "rough life," you owe it to him to try and make up to him for that is, IMHO, really crazy . . . if you'll forgive me for saying so. Obviously, he thinks you owe it to him, and he will always think that . . . with you, or with whoever is in his life. Don't assume you have figured out what his anger is all about. It's a product of his experience, but it's also a product of how he chooses to view his experience - that life short-changed him and somebody must be punished for that. People have come from backgrounds just as hard as his - and even harder - and didn't conclude that their past was an excuse to be rotten to someone who gets close to them. But that's what he believes, and he will go to his grave believing that. You will not change him.

Another thing I believe is that you cannot "make" another person happy. Each of us "makes" our own happiness. Each of us is responsible for our own happiness. What I think you're failing to recognize is that some people treasure their own misery and will hug on to it. If they go to a therapist, it's only to make the case for how bad they got treated and for what good reasons they have for how miserable they are. And you believe that the problem isn't him; it's all that anger he has "inside him." No. It's him. That's who he is. It would be fun biting into a lemon, if it just didn't have all that sourness inside. But that's what a lemon is - sour. There is a window of opportunity, I believe, in the life of a child, where a bad attitude spawned by negative experience can be turned around by sufficient positive experience. But, by adulthood, the bad attitude has become hard-wired. That's who the person is. To an extent, that's who the person has chosen to be. Why some children in deplorable circumstances choose to not be crippled by it is a mystery I don't understand. But some do. He didn't.

Where is in written that you should allow poison to be spewed at you and you "should" be able to "withstand" it? Where did you get this cock-eyed theory? You think that's noble?

No doubt, this guy has some special charisma going on. I believe you on that. And, when he turns it on, it is the most exciting, compelling experience you've had with a man. I get that, as I had a tendency to gravitate toward charismatic men, myself. But you have to ask: is it worth it? Is it worth being chronically miserable for the sake of those occasional short intervals of heightened passion and intense gratification? Bear in mind that he's also a "passion junkie," too. Whenever you become familiar and dependable, he will grow bored with you and seek the excitement of someone new. That will be your future with him.

It sounds like it is really important for you to get out and do Something with others in a social setting/otherwise (activity meetups/creative/whatever)---to break the withdrawal this relationship triggered.
It might help to talk to someone. (if you don't already)
Emotions are difficult....and it is hard to remember they do not have to rule life.

I think what others have said here makes a lot of sense and Laneba if you don't listen to them listen to your own insights,you know that this relationship is abusive and that it is bad for you that it is toxic,in your own words.Ok the initial attraction was intense and he has promised to change and that things will be different,they won't,you might as well jump into a blazing fire and destroy yourself as you will be going back to his constant anger and picking on you,belittling you and controlling you.
I think you need to ask yourself before you go back to him,is he a narcissist?
Google the term,explore what it is you are actually dealing with and understand his promises will amount to nothing.

Narcissistic Relationships: What You NEED to Know!

I just wanted to doubly emphasize what Rose76 said.

You are aware that this is exactly what all abusers do. They mix in some sweet sounding, self-justifying lies with their abusive, hateful venom. Do not forget the "cycle of abuse" (Google that for a review). Abusers keep the relationship going with these lies. If they didn't offer these lies, the people they are abusing would have been gone long ago.

Amen to all of the above

to Psychcentral

Nothing more I can say that's hasn't already been said so I just popped on to say best of luck and welcome

Here's how you get out of an abusive relationship...

You run, wait no, you sprint and you don't look back.

If you look back you may get caught up in the toxic waste that's like quick sand...

Just keep moving forward.

Make a list of all the terrible things he's said and done.

Read it whenever you're in doubt.

Cut off all contact with him.

Seriously, stop subjecting yourself to this abuse, just make a run for it and don't look back, you deserve better.

Laneba - has anything here been at all helpful?

Lanebo, i am so sorry you are in this position. It is eerily similar to mine. I am aware of what's going on but having such a hard time leaving. I wish i had some great advice, but all i can say is you are not alone! And thank you to everyone who responded.

TY for this. I was recently in a toxic relationship, and I needed to hear this too. I made a list of all the negatives and refer it frequently. It really helps!!!

You are not alone. Freeing yourself from a toxic relationship is exceedingly difficult.

I have a very, very complicated relationship status that many wouldn't understand. The reality is that I know our relationship is toxic. It's not even that he is entirely toxic, or I am entirely toxic. But together we are toxic. Yet I feel horribly dependent on him, in large part because of my depression. I just cannot find a way to cut him off cold turkey.

So instead I try to push for growth. I also try to emotionally detach. He has a tendency to be stonewall me, which I have learned is incredibly painful. It makes me feel worthless. Perhaps in order to mitigate the pain of the "stonewall" he requested a "week off" from us. It still feels like stonewalling, but I'm going to muster up all the emotional courage I have inside of me (which honestly isn't very much), take my benzos when appropriate, and ride this out.

Perhaps on the other side I will realize I can break free and not look back. Perhaps I'm not as dependent as I thought.

Those who say to go no contact are probably right but in my experience it was been next to impossible due to my depression and overall mental deficiencies.

I empathize with you Lanebo. I know personally it is hard to leave a toxic relationship I doubt you can change his nature. IMHO its best to do what you need to do for your own well being. You need to trust your gut feelings . what ever they are, and do what is good for you. Its important you think with your head and not only your heart. You don't deserve this toxic relationship.

Welcome to PC, Lanebo.

Just a sidenote about the forum, after 5 posts your posts become unmoderated and immediately posted after pressing submit reply.

It's difficult letting go. One thing that quickly stood out to me is the fact that you both live in different countries. Are you afraid of what could happen if you ignore him?

Just cut him out of your life completely,he will only poison your soul and make you lose your own identity and make you think things are wrong with you,that is not good!

Hi dear lady

You need to cut ties with this man and get some help and support for yourself
He is a dangerous man and you cannot heal him