[Maven]

Last night, when my boyfriend called me from his hotel room (he's away), during the conversation, he told me he was watching Hannah Montana, which he got into (along with The Suite Life of Zack and Cody) on his last trip, when there was nothing on. I tease him about it. Without thinking, I said, teasing, "Do you want me to get plastic surgery to look like Hannah Montana?" DUMB!!! If I'd been thinking, I'd have known what kind of answer I'd get. He said, "It would be an improvement." OUCH!!!

I don't know why I open myself up to such jokes. I do it a lot, allowing or making jokes at my own expense. I guess it's sort of a bonding thing. I know he's more likely to respond, rather than ignore me or tune me out (which he's told me he does, confirming what I could already see).

Even though it was stupid of me to ask that, it was really cruel of him to say that.

[nothemama8]

Maven, tell him as soon as he gets a face and body job (to look like your favorite actor ) then you will too
{{{{{{Maven}}}}}}} your heart is beautiful so you must be too
Angie

[Wants2Fly]

Hi Maven -- Why are you with someone who puts you down like this? My husband used to do this do me (lots of dumb pollock jokes), and one day his best friend called me, and took me out to a diner, told me he was in love with me and couldn't stand to see me letting myself be treated that.

Big wake-up call for me. Broke up the husband's and best friend's friendship. Did not go with the friend, however.

Clearly, you are thinking constructively about why you leave yourself open for exactly what you know what will happen. Best wishes figuring it out and taking appropriate action.

[seeker1950]

Maven, sweetie!
I don't like his response to you! It sounds as if you are blaming yourself for making an innocent joke to which he gave a hurtful reply. Don't do that! His reply was at fault!
Love
Patty

[AmatureBombTech]

He's a dumbass!

I agree!!!

I used to set myself up for comments like that. It broke my heart when he bit. If I'd react he'd suggest I was over sensitive. I'd respond with the point that he knows this about me so he shouldn't set me up. Just bit your tongue in the future if it's going to lead to hurting my feelings. He'd try for a while but like I said I'd set myself up and sometimes he'd not bit his tongue and inevitably I'd get hurt.

I did start to consider that I needed to work on the fragile state of my self-esteem. I didn't like that he had so much power over my own sense of pride and confidence.

In the end he agreed to bite his tongue more and I agreed to believe in myself more. We aren't together anymore and part of it was his controlling, nasty ways but mostly it was me getting stronger and having less tolerance for his put downs. Some were jokes but many were not and those were the deal breakers.

Love is a decision and being a loving person takes work. If we let people get away with unloving behaviour it will just escallate is my experience.

Don't let his words hurt you Maven. He is but one voice in a world that sings your praises more often than not. Listen to the praises and block out his nastys. Let him know how his words affect you but don't be dependant on him understanding or changing. Be dependant on your own self-love and acceptance.

Wishing you well..... why not do yourself up royally tonight and celebrate your beauty. Face yourself in the mirror and speak the affirmations until you own the beauty reflecting back at you. Put a dress on and turn up the music and dance in honour of your beauty.

You are beautiful inside and out. Believe it!!!

[Maven]

As I've stated before, Wants, I am here because I really have no choice. My OCD is so bad, I can't live just anywhere, so I can't accept most housing offered by services like HUD and mental health housing. Additionally, have you ever called these people for help? I couldn't remember the number for a mental housing place here, so I called my shrink office, and they had no idea what I was talking about. (Since we moved back into the county in which this housing organization is located, I figured I'd call them again, even though they were no help before. They said I couldn't see the place before moving in, which is a necessity for my OCD, and I can't live with anyone else, which they said I might have to.) These psychiatrists and organizations don't know about each other, so it makes it difficult to find help. But I need a place that is very clean and has lots of new stuff. Who's going to help me get that?

And no, I have no one to live with, which would only put me in the same situation I'm in now, anyway.

And I have no money to move. I have to give most of my money to my bf, but even so, my OCD costs are well over $1,000 a month (worse, since we moved to this house), and I can't afford it. I should be grateful to my bf for staying with me.

Sadly, more people put me down than "sing my praises," chocolatelover. When I say stuff to him, he sometimes says I can't take a joke. I know he thinks that a lot, even when he doesn't say it.

I don't see beauty. I see fat, getting older, ugly, not being attractive enough for my dreams (acting). I recently saw a dentist, and found out I need over $8,000 worth of dental work, and that's not the cosmetic stuff I want done. I'm not surprised, mind you, but it's still depressing. My boyfriend was shocked, but I told him, I don't expect him to pay for that. Just the immediate treatment needed. My parents didn't teach me to or make me take care of my teeth. I do now, but there's so much damage, and my diet is so high in sugar, that things get worse. I now have periodontal disease, which I didn't have before.

My mom was upset to hear, too. But I think she solely blames me, and not herself, for the lack of parenting she and my dad sometimes did.

But thanks for cheering me up on what my boyfriend said. He can be really hurtful sometimes. If I say anything, I can't take a joke.

Notthemama, I especially found your suggestion funny!

maven

[spal]

I don't know that much about OCD but I do know that the stress of having someone put you down doesn't do a lot for your mental health.

I hope that you continue on the path of healing, both body and soul, and surround yourself with people who are loving and kind.

Your teeth are important. Forget about the cosmetic things. The most important thing is to be healthy and to work towards having a healthy body and mind. It's the only one you have. See if you can pay your dentist in installments and just get the work done.

I don't know if you have a therapist to help you with your self-image but group therapy sometimes helps as well.

I know that when I started to get better, there were people who wanted me to stay unhealthy because it meant that they had more control over me. It took a while before I felt strong enough to make healthy choices for myself. In the end, I left these people behind, despite their manipulation, threats and guilt-inducing comments. It's sometimes lonely to be alone but I'd rather have that than abuse and one day I hope real love will come a-calling!

Anyway, I am just rambling and it probably doesn't help you with your bf problem but don't let his comments keep you from caring about yourself and taking care of yourself. It makes me sad when you say that you should be grateful that he is there. That's just not true. He is there because he is getting something out of it, as well.

[eskielover]

When I first got married 32 years ago, my husband loved the putting down people & sarcastic jokes like the comedian of the times Don Rickels. I listened to my husbands crap for a few months & finally had enough.

I just told him that I detested that type of humor & I wasn't going to put up with it any more. I couldn't stand the comedian & didn't intend to live with anyone like that for the rest of my life. Everytime he came out with the scarcism, & pointed in out that he was being an obnoxious jerk....until he finally started listening. I didn't take the put down jokes or scarcastic comments personally.....but everytime he came out with putting down & sarcastic comments/jokes & told him to stop being an obnoxious jerk....& I mean everytime he did it....even if it was infront of other people. He decided that he was the one that was starting to look bad & at least that was one of the bad things he did change.

It's a matter of you being in control & not letting him be in control with what he says....also not taking it personally, but letting him know that his behavior is now acceptible socially.

Give it a try....you can't loose anything since it isn't ok the way it's going,
Debbie

[DavidStrong]

I think that chocolatelover brought up a good point and I think it might be worth exploring a little more. Obviously, if our significant other becomes upset by certain types of comments, then we should try to avoid them. But as chocolatelover said, it also is important that we also work on our own self-esteem and confidence. It seems to me that the line we walk in relationships is out of balance if we are so fragile that everything upsets us.

So how can be go about achieving balance between these two sides? I do feel that balance is important. After all, teasing and playing with your significant other can be fun. It would be a pretty boring without them. I believe the most important step is to actually talk to our partners about it. Expecting others to read our minds is never going to work out. Once you start talking about it, maybe you can try and set boundries that work for both of you.

I don't want to be too fast in jumping down your boyfriends throat. You did say that the conversation was in a "teasing" frame. Were it me, I would have been likely to interpret your comment as an invitation and as a signal that you were emotionally ready for some playful banter. In my eyes, if someone "sets me up" that must mean they want to play volleyball. Maybe that is why he said what he said. I would have been quite surprised if you reacted by being upset. I would have more expected a reply like, "Fine, but they'll need to make you look like Brad Pitt." To me, that would have followed the conversation's tone. Okay, i thought I would just share what I might be thinking were I him.

((((((((((((Maven))))))))))))) Owwieeeees!!! He was a real jerk for saying that to you. Did you let him know that it hurt you?

[Maven]

I have told him many times those kinds of comments hurt me. He's told me what hurts him, and I avoid those things. He doesn't avoid the things that hurt me.