Son asking to be released from enlistment obligation tomorrow

When my son was 18 and my daughter 20, they ran away from home after a serious fight with their dad. H insisted that I never help them. They were gone more than a year and a half and refused to see their dad. It was completely stressful to be in the middle of that situation.
After my attempt they came home but have not "launched." My son got into the Navy's nuclear program which includes great training opportunities. Tonight we found out that my son (now 22) is going to ask to be released from his enlistment obligation tomorrow. Things escalated again. H asked him to leave tonight. I asked to give him more time, just two weeks. I know it was a last minute decision (meeting is tomorrow) because he just filed his taxes and interviewed for a 2nd job which he says got (it is only Walmart) today. It was a completely ugly scene between H and my son. H is unhappy I did not back him up more. When my son heard up fighting after, he said he is leaving in the morning. There is never harmony/love between all four of us. My whole marriage has been like this. It is only easy to get along with H when it is just the two of us.

Tough situation to choose between the husband and the kids. I hope the four of you will find the balance that makes everyone happy

It is a tough one....sounds like your son might do better, in time, on his own since it seems that decisions lead to fights rather than discussions...he is old enough, let him know you love him and have faith that he will find his way.
It sounds like there might be some issues with H that you may or may not want to address between the two of you.

I think the dynamic between you, h, and the kids contributed to your attempt. And the stress continues...

How do you feel about your son's POV? What do you want to do about it? What are you able to do about it?

It's hard for me to relate because I am such a dominant mother in the family dynamic. My h doesn't passionately enforce anything concerning the kids. It's mostly my influence, and now that the boys are men, they are in charge of themselves.

If my son didn't want to go, I'd support it. But, your values may be different. (Especially with what may be looming on the horizon with our crazy world and wars)

Sending you strength today.

Oh gosh, I'm so sorry you are dealing with the fallout from all this.

Your son is an adult, he is making his own decisions - that is an essential part of growing up, and one that many of us parents struggle to cope with. It sounds like your H hasn't quite cut those strings and he is struggling to let go.

Hope while all this is going on you can find yourself a safe space away from the disharmony and conflict, take good care.

Thanks for all your replies. I have been working with my son to make this transition (leaving home), go more smoothly. Last time he left unplanned with only the clothes on his back!

The stress and argument between you and your husband is concerning, but so it your son's wish to cease his service. Do you know why? While it may be a simple case of just not wanting to do it any more I am thinking it may be more serious - especially for him to come home to a situation he knows is a difficult one. Ultimately though he is an adult. I'm not saying don't interfere; try to find a reason to be supportive.

As for the family dynamic, I am sorry about this situation. I have some appreciation for this. In my case it was the differing viewpoint about responsibility and discipline that was always a sore point (I had a rather stricter view).

Sorry you suffer the misery of different viewpoints; it can cause a lot of anxiety.

As for my son's enlistment, on Tuesday, my son and I were in a meeting with the recruiter's for more than an hour. He still has that option for now. His ship date is August--he had the opportunity to leave sooner, his father found out and pushed hard for him to go. He didn't. Then we learned (a message left on my phone that he was scheduling a meeting to ask for a release from his commitment. I sense that it was anger at his father pushing for him to leave ASAP sparked the whole thing. Originally, it was my son's idea (he did all the research) to enlist. The two of them just don't get along. I am hoping that by moving out of this house, he will be more clearheaded about his ultimate decision......

Why is your h pushing him to go? What are the reasons to go he is telling your son?

And what are your son's reasons for not wanting to?

Who do you agree with?

Lots of the same stuff recruiters say. He also got into a career field with big bonus' because the training lands you good jobs when your initial enlistment is up. Sometimes he reminds him of his screwups. He is very smart but a little ADD so high test scores, inconsistent grades. The sort of kids that would work all night on an essay then leave it at home the next morning and then be downgraded for lateness, not quality. He does not believe in ADD of course. ADD is an excuse! However, not having that diagnosis might have helped him get into the program--labels can hurt! I probably have it too but was never treated either. Of course we are both hoping that the structure that the military provides will help him.....

When my dad pushed me to do or decide things I usually didn't do them, or did them with much anger and frustration, even if it was my original plan and decision. So, I think you pinpointed (at least part of) the reason there. People like to feel free in their actions and decisions. I think it's better to let your son decide by himself with support and gentle guidance from you and his father if he is willing to listen. Feeling free is as important as feeling secure if not more important, at least for me. Good luck to your son

Slept 3 hours the last two nights and still resisting one of my meds because it makes me less "clearheaded". I have to keep in mind that H is not sleeping well either lately. My son keeps saying "everything will be alright." I believe him. He is plenty capable I think the problem is just that H doesn't feel that way in his heart and then he has me to contend with. I am just going to try to encourage H right now. I appreciate everyone's encouragement....

You are doing the right thing, helping your son transition. He has the opportunity to have other male adults to look to as role models/teachers etc. Considering the difficulty with his dad this may be very helpful for him to be able to see the assets he has & all the places he can go, things he can accomplish. Best to you! ((((and a hug))))