[FieldofLillies]

Good morning all,

I'm going through a very tough time and until a physical therapist can be seen I would like some advice from this community.

My fiance who I've been with for 3+ years ended our relationship. He and I suffer from what we believe is depression. His episodes usually consist of crying, talking about dying and binging on unhealthy food. He's also type2 diabetic. His outlet however is writing.
My episodes consist of me crying, being emotionless and pushing him away. We both have not had constant therapy in the years we've been together. We've basically been self helping ourselves the "best" we can.
My episodes have drained him. I don't handle depression well. It isn't easy for me to be creative when depression hits.
I was also raped by my ex boyfriend which often times gives me triggers depending on the situation. Sometimes there are certain harmless things my fiance would do that would make me think of my attack.
There was even a time when I was so crippled by depression that I stopped working for 4 months. He had to take care of both of us. He said he was able to handle it but kept a lot of feelings from me to protect my feelings.
So my lashing out by telling him to stop caring about me, complacency about life, struggling financially, as well as him feeling like he put himself last has made him end our relationship.
I am devastated. My depression is spiraling out of control. My anxiety flares. I cry uncontrollably.
He also says that he doesn't think he is in love with me anymore which only does more damage. He said he is open to couple's therapy but now a days his communication is lacking. He now speaks to me like I'm one of his friends as though we weren't in love and living together and everything each other wanted, basically being together everyday we could for the past 3 years.
He wants to focus on his self care and wants me to focus on mine and being independent but all of this is making it so hard to focus. I stare at my engagement ring everyday, I check up on him, write him, send him therapy info, to which he's very short with me.
I say all of this to ask, how can I help my mental illness when my partner just left me? We're in limbo right now and even though he says he's open to us getting therapy to work on it, his lack of communication feels otherwise. I'm not sure how to not think about our failing relationship enough to only focus on my recovery.

[Trippin2.0]

Use the failing relationship as a motivation for recovery...

That's what I did anyway, except my bf was gone, which opened my eyes to how negatively I had impacted our relationship, and made me determined to improve myself.

As luck or God would have it, we met up a year later and got back together instantly and he was very proud of my progress...

I know its hard to reframe and refocus when you feel so terrible, but negative emotions can be really good fuel if we choose to apply them.

So sorry you're struggling

[Travelinglady]

Hello, fieldoflillies, and welcome to Psych Central! Are you in therapy? I am thinking the best thing you can do is try to focus on getting better and not think so much about the boyfriend. (Therapists can help with both of these.) Over time, as you get better, you will attract other boyfriends. It is possible, too, that your "former" boyfriend will hear about your success and return. But I think it best not to bank on that. All your efforts to get him back might even convince him you have additional problems, since trying too much is not mentally healthy. (By any chance, do you have borderline issues?)

I know losing a boyfriend is tough. I had one who talked marriage with me break up with me.

[Sunshine72]

I too know the feeling; It's been a year since the man I loved; my bff of 10 years asked me to move out; I now know it was because I always put myself first (a lot of guilt with this) I have been seeing therapist/psychiatrist and getting my meds in check and I am finally accepting that I need to fix myself before I can think of loving someone new. I still think about the what if's daily...Very hard. Good Luck. Will be here.

[Erebos]

Hey lillies, welcome to PC sorry to hear your in such a bad place.
A couple of questions, have you been to your dr, diagnosed and prescribed?
Have you caught out a T.
Suffering from depression myself, when my partner of the time had a breakdown I managed to keep it together but it took it's toll.
Altering the way I looked at him. I didn't feel like his lover anymore I re but like a carer, his parent almost.
I don't know if it ever went back to the way it was.

It's too much to care for another when your own MH needs aren't being met.
As hard as it is to hear, you need to take care of yourself, your ex has realised no-one can fix him but him.
Now you need to do the same.
I really hope your able to take those first steps,and rather than think "how can I do this now he is gone."
You need to think, "I must do this, because he has gone, "

He is not there for you to focus on anymore, you need tone brave a focus on yourself.
Good luck, and all the best.

[vikingr48]

I popped in to read your letter and thought not of depression immediately but PTSD. When you mix depression and anxiety and speak of spiraling to what would be the end -- a panic attack, that is the PTSD I know so well. And then when I read you were raped by an ex and you still are triggered (a very PTSD term) by your current SO's actions, that is characteristic PTSD. And it is especially high with women who have been raped. More so than men in combat.
Take this very seriously. Get to a good therapist. It is a merry go round finding one but be insistent on finding one who understands PTSD from a female perspective. I have fired therapists for getting their calendar wrong for my appointments.
Then get to a psychological or psychiatric nurse practitioner who is also familiar with PTSD. She (and I mean she) can prescibe the drugs you will need to help your depression. Usually Zoloft or Wellbutrin, and maybe Ativan for panic attacks. You will need something to help you sleep.
You bf is detaching himself. He probably feels he has to in order to carry on with bills and keep a job. Aim for the soul in him, not his love. Love is that magic word that makes you fell so wonderful but it is not an accurate word to describe a relationship that is a true bond. Be assertive when you argue. Use declarative sentences not questions or commands. Watch your anger. Look for the soul in him and follow it for a while. Know when to stay silent and when to talk.
For those times when you are spiraling down to depression or a panic attack, stop yourself. Learn to breath. You are in fear of what is coming. Your shoulders raise. Your blood goes to the extremities. You are readying for battle. Take in a breath through your mouth to a count of say 5. Hold for a second and let it out to a count of 5. Breath from your belly. Watch your navel go in and out as you count.
You are getting oxygen to your brain when the raised shoulders (called the Warrior Posture) is increasing carbon dioxide, causing confusion and unclear thinking. Empty your mind. There is nothing you need there anyway. Let it go.

After a while you will feel a sense of calm returning. This technique is known in studies to be better than taking 5 mg of xanax. Go for walks. Doesn't have to be a long time but go, get out of your current environment. Come back when you feel like it. Your best ideas come from an interphase or resting period where your right and left hemispheres of your brain can resolve issues that may go back years. Remember trauma victims live in the past. We are constantly recreating the trauma that remains unresolved and may never be. Live in the here and now. The future can come later. Look at your feet as a reminder that you must think of now, not then. Being raped is a big scar you must heal from first.
I hope this helps. It sounds like your BF is a good man and will come around if you touch his soul. Good luck to you.

[MickeyCheeky]

Losing the person you love is always tough You need to focus on yourself first, and improve yourself.. that's what matters the most right now.