I already know the answer :( just need support!

Just want to make it clear, that my daughter wasn't present when he has hurt me! She hasn't even met him!!!

I'm glad that she hasn't met him, this means that her exposure to his behaviour is not direct - however indirectly his abuse of you will impact on your well-being and this will impact on her.

I want to be clear here - I am not accusing you of anything, you are the victim but your daughter will suffer if you continue to stay in this dangerous situation.

Yea i get that, because it affects my mood! And i understand fully what you are saying! It's not about me, it's about her. I know that, that's why i wouldn't introduce someone so soon to her!.

If he hurts you or worse, it affects her. Does he know where you live? Could he totally lose it and come there and hurt you both?

I'm not judging you either, just pointing out how a love interest could be being put before your kids' well-being.

Some people simply cannot handle alcohol and can actually be allergic to it and that can be causing his severe mood swings. This is not something "you" can fix. This man has to reach out for help, and learn he cannot drink ANY alcohol.

Don't make him your project/responsibility you will end up getting hurt and that would be terrible for your daughter. Not healthy for you at all.

I gather that you have not ended things with him yet. What has been stopping you, given that you know that you need to end things for yourself and for your daughter?

So even though he is drunk he is aware enough to talk himself out of the situation when faced with the cops.
And make it look like it's YOU with the problem.
You know,why?
Because he has had to do it before. This man is a habitual abuser. He chose you because he read you right.
And yes absolutely, abusers SEEK victims.
Why?
So they can continue to abuse.Because it's a pattern they understand, some grew up with it and genuinely don't know there is any other way of being.
Some just like the power over their victims,they get off on it. The reasons are as varied as re people who do it.
And the longer they have been at it the quicker they are a assessing victims.
Afterwards,
He will cry, and apologise and say he is sorry and he won't do it again. (Any of this ringing a bell.)
The truth is you don't know this man, you know a persona he put across the internet.
You don't see him everyday (thankfully) and he already knows your daughter is your weak spot.
He will use that to ensure you behave and don't report him.

Abusers are familiar that single parents are reluctant to involve the police because of a fear of child welfare getting involved.
You won't have that choice when he puts you in the ER.
You can't save this man, he didn't choose you to save him, he chose you so he didn't have to be saved.
If I am wrong, and I pray everyday that I am, TELL him don't ask, tell him there will be no more drinking around you.

He will either abide by the rule, and things might be ok.
He will tell you your making too big a deal of things.
Or he will lie, and agree not to drink but do it secretly, and by the time you realise it will be too late.

Please,please keep this man away from your child. And if you care for her at all, keep him away from yourself too.
Also your friends don't know what they're talking about.IMHO.I don't mean to sound rude, what I mean is I don't think they have the experience to make an assessment on the situation.

Please be careful.Take Care.

True, I'm not great with alcohol so i either don't drink or i know my limit and stop at that point!
Yea that rings so many familiar bells! That's the exact thing that has happened. I have been keeping my distance for a few days now. He lives over 5000 miles away so the chance of him coming here to get revenge is pretty slim. Now its all about time to heal and focussing on getting some therapy for my self esteem and being single for a very long time
Most importantly , being a good mother. It will take.time to heal but i have to go through this process.

Oh and thanks for every reply i got. I needed to hear some hard truths.
I need to get back to being the strong independent girl i was.
The fact that you all took time to reply and help shows that there is such good people in this world.

I am really impressed you managed to make the steps to break away, it shows you are still the strong independent person you thought you had lost.
A lot of
That's what makes survivors not victims.
Don't beat yourself up, we are human, we make mistakes, errors of judgement and how can you possibly know someone's true colors until they show you.
You weren't wrong for wanting to believe in him, he just didn't have or want the same beliefs.

I hope your right and that 5000 miles is enough to keep him away. Please remain a little cautious for a while, safe over sorry, and all that.

On a personal note I spent 6 years single after my abusive relationship ended, for me that amount of time has been necessary.
To start with I found it hard, but it became the best time, I loved doing what I wanted to do, just me and the kids.
I had my home how I wanted, and generally enjoyed being a little selfish for a while. I learnt a lot a out what I want and what I willnolonger compromise on.
It taught about self worth, that I was valuable to my kids and those around me, I didn't need a partner for that.

And when I did finally meet someone new,it was a total surprise because I wasn't looking.
Obviously not everyone needs that long, I think I am saying, take your time.

I wish you all the best, and great things for your future,you deserve it.
Keep in touch and let us know how your doing.

You are welcome - I can hear that strong independent girl (with a good heart) in your posts, she didn't go anywhere she just had a bad experience which confused you and you will rise above this.

Stay strong - you are worth so much more than the bad treatment you received.

You may not stay single for very long. There are plenty of nice men.

Therapy is a great choice to look at what drew you to an abusive man and learn to find a healthy one.

I feel so bad. My anxiety is through the roof

Hang in there Happyhappyme1987!

Hi Happyhappyme1987 ,
Sorry to hear the thing you had to go through. Men who hit their women either want to show their chauvinistic superiority or they either want this as deterrent to women not to leave them.

So you really need to think what will happen if you spent the rest of your life with this person.

I think you have an image of him in your mind about a person who you want him to be, but as you explained earlier he is sounding the complete opposite. So better think about it and take a decision.

Hi how are you feeling today Happyhappyme?

Happyhappyme, I just wanted to express my support to you. I haven't read the entire thread, but I read the beginning and end. That guy sounds like a total a-hole. Please stay safe and take care of yourself. Post here if it helps!!