[Depressed-Fiance]

Hi everyone,

Would an emotional abuser (my new fiancé) twist things and make the victim (me) feel like the verbal and psychological abuse is my fault?

Would she say things like "You don't deserve me"?

[LadyShadow]

Hmm. Tough to say. Usually when I hear things like "You don't deserve me" it sounds like the OTHER person might be insecure.

It's hard to say without much more information. Why do you feel this is psychological abuse?

[Depressed-Fiance]

Originally Posted by LadyShadow

Hmm. Tough to say. Usually when I hear things like "You don't deserve me" it sounds like the OTHER person might be insecure.

It's hard to say without much more information. Why do you feel this is psychological abuse?

I feel that this is psychological abuse because she is very controlling within her behaviour. Whenever we have an argument then she will make me feel like everything I say or do is wrong and that she is always right.

I feel like I can't do anything right by her and she treats me like a child sometimes.

[Hairball]

how long have u known each other? and if you already have red flags why not date a while longer?

[Depressed-Fiance]

Originally Posted by Hairball

how long have u known each other? and if you already have red flags why not date a while longer?

We have known each other for 2 & 1/2yrs and I live with her.

I'm not sure why if there are red flags why anyone should continue to date someone, surely that's a no-no?

[Bill3]

What do you love about her? Why did you ask her to marry you?

It sounds like you have doubts about your upcoming marriage.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

What things does she say to make you feel you do nothing right?

[Rose76]

How other people would categorize her behavior kind of doesn't matter. Other people don't have to live with her. If you are finding that you really hate the way she talks to you, then that's a perfectly good reason to decide you don't want to be there.

It's setting the bar really low to say "I expect my partner to not emotionally abuse me." Of course that should be an expectation. but don't you also expect to feel emotionally supported. Sounds like you don't think you're getting that.

During an argument, if she says everything is your fault, why does that become truth to you? Why is her opinion worth more than yours? If you need her approval before you can feel okay about you, then you have a deeper problem that was there before she came along.

Small children really can't feel good about themselves in the absence of approval from their caretakers. It is horribly abusive for a parent to denigrate a child who depends on that parent. The child is stuck there. As an adult, you are with someone because you choose to be. Sometimes, we find out a few years into a relationship that the person we are with is not caring in the way that we thought they were. That's when it's okay to say, "I made a mistake. This person does not offer what I need. I am going to have to leave." I don't think people change very much.

I think it's futile to expect that the person you're with should become who you want them to be. They probably can't.

Your fiancee was drawn to you probably because you meet a need she has. There are people in this world (lots of them) who are pretty much focused only on what they need.

If you want her to see you as a person of worth, you have to believe that yourself first. If you are depending on her to give you the ability to feel good about you, then you are placing yourself in the position of a child and regarding her as though she were parenting you.

[Depressed-Fiance]

Originally Posted by Bill3

What do you love about her? Why did you ask her to marry you?

It sounds like you have doubts about your upcoming marriage.

I love her because she is kind, generous, caring, loving and a good person (or so I thought.) I asked her to marry me for those reasons.

I have doubts about our upcoming marriage yes now that I feel she is slowly unravelling her true colours which have crept up in the last six months.

[Depressed-Fiance]

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

What things does she say to make you feel you do nothing right?

She says things to me such as "I'll just do it myself because you'll not do it properly" or "If you are going to do a job for me, then at least do it properly".

Here are some other things she won't let me do:

1. She won't let me cook for her two kids (from a previous relationship)
2. She won't let me do the laundry (when I offer to help her/do it whilst she is out)
3. I have to make her meals in a certain way, otherwise she won't be happy and then she would go and make it herself

[MickeyCheeky]

Well, it's your choice in the end... perhaps she's not "abusive", but if you're not convinced of your relationship then I think the best thing to do is leave her and move on..

[Depressed-Fiance]

Originally Posted by Rose76

Other people don't have to live with her. If you are finding that you really hate the way she talks to you, then that's a perfectly good reason to decide you don't want to be there.

You are absolutely correct there when you say nobody else has to live with her, so they wouldn't know/understand what it's like until you are in that position yourself.

Yes, she talks down to me and says a lot of put-downs etc. I never moan to her about things and feel like I have always got to be on 'my best behaviour' just incase it upsets her which is very draining.

Originally Posted by Rose76

It's setting the bar really low to say "I expect my partner to not emotionally abuse me." Of course that should be an expectation. but don't you also expect to feel emotionally supported. Sounds like you don't think you're getting that.

Of course I should feel emotionally supported, which I did maybe for the first year and a half of our relationship. She doesn't show interest in my interests and won't support me as in attending say a sports game I play in because 'she doesn't want to sit I a field and be cold!!' She won't attend anything I am in because it doesn't suit her but always, always do I fully support her in her interests and affairs. It is very one sided.

Originally Posted by Rose76

During an argument, if she says everything is your fault, why does that become truth to you? Why is her opinion worth more than yours? If you need her approval before you can feel okay about you, then you have a deeper problem that was there before she came along.

Sometimes after an argument it seems true to me because I genuinely think she has brainwashed me and also 'gaslit' me into believing everything is my fault. In a way blaming me for everything and not taking responsibility for anything herself.

Her opinion seems to be worth more than mine because she is the domineering of the two of us and I am more of a 'follower' type of person.

Originally Posted by Rose76

I think it's futile to expect that the person you're with should become who you want them to be. They probably can't.

Exactly. I feel that she is trying to mould me into the person she wants me to be and not accepting me for who I actually am.

Originally Posted by Rose76

Your fiancee was drawn to you probably because you meet a need she has. There are people in this world (lots of them) who are pretty much focused only on what they need.

More fool me!!

Originally Posted by Rose76

If you want her to see you as a person of worth, you have to believe that yourself first. If you are depending on her to give you the ability to feel good about you, then you are placing yourself in the position of a child and regarding her as though she were parenting you.

So do you mean I should stand up for myself more?

[Depressed-Fiance]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

Well, it's your choice in the end... perhaps she's not "abusive", but if you're not convinced of your relationship then I think the best thing to do is leave her and move on..

I feel that she is abusive. Why do you think she may not be?

She has never been physically abusive with me nor have I with her but there is definitely a lot of verbal/emotional abuse coming from her, I'm convinced of that.

[Depressed-Fiance]

1. She has also said that I will never be able to have/hold down a relationship if we split up.

2. She's been rude and insulting to my family (calling my family thieves and liars) even when there is no basis for this.

3. She has drained me of all my life savings to hep her pay her bills etc.

[Bill3]

Now that she has shown herself to willing to consistently insult, shame, humiliate, use financially, and belittle you, what is your thinking about the possibility of calling off the wedding and leaving her?

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by Depressed-Fiance

1. She has also said that I will never be able to have/hold down a relationship if we split up.

2. She's been rude and insulting to my family (calling my family thieves and liars) even when there is no basis for this.

3. She has drained me of all my life savings to hep her pay her bills etc.

These are reasons to believe it is abuse. The statements you gave that she was making (on their own - without us knowing this information) may or may not have indicated abuse. Now that you have said this, yes, I definitely believe it is emotionally abusive.

The question is: Have you reached the point you are ready and willing to leave?

You definitely should leave, but I know from personal experience - it will only happen when you are ready for it to. We can tell you as emphatically and as long as we want to "leave now", but it will do no good unless you came to us thinking "if this is abuse, i am leaving". So - are you ready?

[Sunflower123]

I agree totally with Rose76. Have you been able to sit down and talk to your fiancé about these things that are bothering you? That's important. if she doesn't respond well or disrespects your feelings that is a red flag for the marriage.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Rose76,

I agree with everything you said - but when I read this part:

During an argument, if she says everything is your fault, why does that become truth to you? Why is her opinion worth more than yours? If you need her approval before you can feel okay about you, then you have a deeper problem that was there before she came along.

Small children really can't feel good about themselves in the absence of approval from their caretakers. It is horribly abusive for a parent to denigrate a child who depends on that parent. The child is stuck there. As an adult, you are with someone because you choose to be. Sometimes, we find out a few years into a relationship that the person we are with is not caring in the way that we thought they were. That's when it's okay to say, "I made a mistake. This person does not offer what I need. I am going to have to leave." I don't think people change very much.

it made me wonder, do you not believe an adult can truly be emotionally abused without in some way "allowing" the abuse to take place, or perhaps even giving the impression of "consenting" to it?

[Sunflower123]

As I've read more of what you've said I've seen more and more red flags. Do you love her? You don't deserve to be treated this way and you need to think long and hard about marrying into this situation. Is she open to couple's counseling? You kind of sound like you've already got one foot out the door which might not be a bad thing.

[Rose76]

She sounds like someone who is pretty fussy about things. When a fusspot hooks up with someone who may have a more relaxed idea of how to go about things, the fusspot is going to be chronically complaining. I'm a fusspot and my s/o is not. If I want something done exactly a certain way, then I had better do it myself. But I don't denigrate his every effort.

Neither you nor your fiancee can remake yourselves into who you are not. You're not obligated to become her obedient servant. It's okay for her to prefer to do certain things herself. It's not right for her to be insulting towards you on a regular basis.

Instead of thinking, "She makes me feel like I'm nothing." start saying "She makes me feel like she thinks I'm nothing." You can't really put on her how you feel about you. You can decide that for yourself. But you can legitimately conclude that maybe she has a low opinion of you. And you can tell her that: "You seem to not think much of me. I wonder why you want me to be here. And I wonder if maybe I should leave."

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by Rose76

She sounds like someone who is pretty fussy about things. When a fusspot hooks up with someone who may have a more relaxed idea of how to go about things, the fusspot is going to be chronically complaining. I'm a fusspot and my s/o is not. If I want something done exactly a certain way, then I had better do it myself. But I don't denigrate his every effort.

Neither you nor your fiancee can remake yourselves into who you are not. You're not obligated to become her obedient servant. It's okay for her to prefer to do certain things herself. It's not right for her to be insulting towards you on a regular basis.

Instead of thinking, "She makes me feel like I'm nothing." start saying "She makes me feel like she thinks I'm nothing." You can't really put on her how you feel about you. You can decide that for yourself. But you can legitimately conclude that maybe she has a low opinion of you. And you can tell her that: "You seem to not think much of me. I wonder why you want me to be here. And I wonder if maybe I should leave."

Excellent advice.

[Depressed-Fiance]

Originally Posted by Bill3

Now that she has shown herself to willing to consistently insult, shame, humiliate, use financially, and belittle you, what is your thinking about the possibility of calling off the wedding and leaving her?

The more she does these things to me (the red flag signs) then the more determined I am not to let the wedding go ahead.

I am quite sure I will finish with her as I can't and don't want a life of being controlled and manipulated by a woman who can't seem to accept me for the way I am. I know I deserve better.

[Depressed-Fiance]

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

These are reasons to believe it is abuse. The statements you gave that she was making (on their own - without us knowing this information) may or may not have indicated abuse. Now that you have said this, yes, I definitely believe it is emotionally abusive.

Yes there are of course two sides to every story. That said, I am the victim here in this and she is quite a strong charactered person who basically says what she thinks.

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

The question is: Have you reached the point you are ready and willing to leave?

Yes, I am ready for throwing the towel in.

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

You definitely should leave, but I know from personal experience - it will only happen when you are ready for it to. We can tell you as emphatically and as long as we want to "leave now", but it will do no good unless you came to us thinking "if this is abuse, i am leaving". So - are you ready?

Yes, for my own sanity I should leave.

[Depressed-Fiance]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I agree totally with Rose76. Have you been able to sit down and talk to your fiancé about these things that are bothering you? That's important. if she doesn't respond well or disrespects your feelings that is a red flag for the marriage.

I have tried to talk to her about the points I made that were bothering me, but she just shoots me down and gets all defensive whenever I bring up each point.

It feels a waste of time really as my words fall on deaf ears.

[Depressed-Fiance]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

As I've read more of what you've said I've seen more and more red flags. Do you love her? You don't deserve to be treated this way and you need to think long and hard about marrying into this situation. Is she open to couple's counseling? You kind of sound like you've already got one foot out the door which might not be a bad thing.

Yes I love her but she is really hard work and a difficult person to live with.

Everything has to be done her way, to her routine and when she says. It's very much like being under dictatorship.

I have suggested couples counselling to her before but she just says that she doesn't need to go because it's me who is the problem!!