[jennifer02]

Due to how the situation went down, I Kind of broke up with my boyfriend who is in his mid thirtys, this past friday feb 24, he came to my town for his graduation ( our university happens to be here in town), and he messaged me the Thursday before, saying that on Friday(day of the grad) ‘’he was coming early because he was closing the student apartment that he has here, so I replied back , asking him, ”what are we going to do then? and he replied ”I will see your early on Friday around 10:00 am”. So I replied ”OK you text me”. I even found it weird that he did not begin the message saying ”Hi I’m coming tomorrow, etc .

( What I understood in my mind was that he wanted sex in the apartment, before closing it, so I assumed that’s why he wanted to see me early as well. ( I will not deny that I was preparing myself mentally for a breakup just because I had all these assumptions,and also because a month and a half later after his grad hi was going back to his hometown in the US, were both foreigner students and met abroad.)

So finally it was Friday morning, his grad was scheduled to start 4:00 pm in the afternoon, and I assumed we were going to see each other after the grad (I guess not), since he told me that he just wanted to get it over with the grad, that he just wanted his diploma and that’s it.

So he text me, at 11:26 AM, saying ”I’m here”, then he called me inmmediately and says: I’m here in the town, I just arrived, are you ready?

Or you need more time and I said ”no am not ready I need time” and he replied ”OK in half an hour then (in his terms its like an hour, he is always late) I said OK and hung up inmmediately. after being so indecisive I made up my mind and decided to go out with him, Honestly I did not now what to expect, what we were going to do or anything.

The point is that 15 to 20 minutes after he called me and we had spoken, I texted him saying ”we should see each other better in the evening” (I, wanted to see what he was going to answer and if it was okl with him) and after that I never got a single response back from him.

Time was passing, and it was 1:30 PM already, I got angry so I took my clothes off and put my pajama back on. I got tired of waiting for a response ,a single word, something!!,Then I text him out of anger ”you know what forget it, don’t come, stop wasting my time, you are late”.

And got nothing back from him, I know it was his grad and he was not going to ruin it for him. But he should of acted differently. He just disappeared no message, no call. nothing just rude. I think he got mad that minutes after we had talked that day I texted him saying’’”we should see each other better in the evening”

So I don’t know what made him act this way that friday, if he acted that way for an ulterior motive?! Please give me your thoughts!

[Trippin2.0]

TBH, I'm not quite sure what you are asking...

I don't see an ulterior motive, if he was wanting sex, like you thought, that's not "ulterior" as you were wanting and expecting it too.

You texted him saying things like "nevermind, you're wasting my time, don't show up", now you're wondering why he never replied?

Seems like his silence and disappearance is him responding to your request(?)

If you don't want people to leave you alone, its best not to ask them to do so, they'll probably listen.

Maybe he did want to break up with you, or discuss a way forward, I have no clue, from what you've written you didn't give him the opportunity to do either...

Have you tried making contact after that? Explaining you were upset and didn't mean what you said? Or was that your last communication?

[jennifer02]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

TBH, I'm not quite sure what you are asking...

I don't see an ulterior motive, if he was wanting sex, like you thought, that's not "ulterior" as you were wanting and expecting it too.

You texted him saying things like "nevermind, you're wasting my time, don't show up", now you're wondering why he never replied?

Seems like his silence and disappearance is him responding to your request(?)

If you don't want people to leave you alone, its best not to ask them to do so, they'll probably listen.

Maybe he did want to break up with you, or discuss a way forward, I have no clue, from what you've written you didn't give him the opportunity to do either...

Have you tried making contact after that? Explaining you were upset and didn't mean what you said? Or was that your last communication?

@Trippin2.0, Actually that day was our last communication, he just dissapeared, from the phase of this earth, and I honestly found that very weird, it was not that big of a deal for him act in such way. we had 3 years together, he knew me, and he just acted like that.

Even if my theory was that he got mad at me for sending him the message where I said ''we should see eachother better in the evening''(which is what I truly believe triggered him) uhmmm seems a little weird to act like if it was a huge deal, that's why I am asking if perhaps there was another hidden motive. and not because of the message I sent him. Just my thoughts.

[Trippin2.0]

Logically I would think a "nevermind don't show up" message is worse than an "I'll see you later tonight instead" message.

If anything its the former message that caused him to disappear off the face of the earth....

Nobody here can say whether or not he had any kind of hidden motives, in all honesty i don't even know what you mean by that from your post...

Only he can tell you why he disappeared, so maybe you should try asking him.

[divine1966]

If last time you spoke was February then clearly it's over.

Are you sure it was actually a relationship? By the way you two spoke to each other didn't sound like couples speak, who known each other for that long!

I don't know what you meant by ulterior motives. It sounded that he came to town for graduation and to close his apartment and to see you. If you were together for years, wanting sex with you is quite normal. If you were not sure, or did not want it, you didn't tell him he that.

You communication with him sounded strange though. I was confused about putting pajamas back on in the middle of the day.

If you want to know why he stopped talking to you, ask him?

[BreakForTheLight]

https://forums.psychcentral.com/rela...ml#post5547803

[jennifer02]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Logically I would think a "nevermind don't show up" message is worse than an "I'll see you later tonight instead" message.

If anything its the former message that caused him to disappear off the face of the earth....

Nobody here can say whether or not he had any kind of hidden motives, in all honesty i don't even know what you mean by that from your post...

Only he can tell you why he disappeared, so maybe you should try asking him.

@Trippin2.0 First Let me tell you that I am sorry for asking this, because I know its over, it does not even make sense for me to ask this, but since I did not get proper closure, I want someone to give me there honest opinion and thoughts. Cause I believe like I said before, that I felt I COULD have perhaps handled this better. and maybe things would have been different?!

The ''nevermind don't come message'' was the last one I send it at almost 2:00pm in the afternoon, so that could not be it, in the sense that when we talked at 11:26 AM he said il pick you up in half an hour. and then 15-20 minutes after this call that's when I sended him the first message saying''We should see eachother better in the evening'' and let me tell you I was actually ready to go with him, I had my clothes on, but I decided to text him saying that beause I WANTED answer from him not for him to Dissapear.

Know my question is if I would have done things differently and I would have been ready when he called ,how different would it have been? would he still had dissapeared and act the same way eitherway or not? cause either way he was leaving back to the U.S.A, after the grad perhaps a month after, I'm not quite sure when, and I am also leaving back a little later than him but am leaving. So how different would all of this situation would have been if I would have done things differently?

[jennifer02]

Originally Posted by divine1966

If last time you spoke was February then clearly it's over.

Are you sure it was actually a relationship? By the way you two spoke to each other didn't sound like couples speak, who known each other for that long!

I don't know what you meant by ulterior motives. It sounded that he came to town for graduation and to close his apartment and to see you. If you were together for years, wanting sex with you is quite normal. If you were not sure, or did not want it, you didn't tell him he that.

You communication with him sounded strange though. I was confused about putting pajamas back on in the middle of the day.

If you want to know why he stopped talking to you, ask him?

Yeah our communication was extremely poor and bad, you are very right on that one, sadly but true, I felt awkward being and speaking with him, I have to be really honest but this relationship was very weird, in my entire life I have never seen something like this, not in my past relationship neither in friends relationships. so I dont know what this mans deal was really.

[RubyRae]

If he just disappeared weren't you concerned maybe something could have happened to him,like jail,car accident or something?

If he was your boyfriend and you were in a relationship,just disappearing doesn't sound normal,I would have been deeply concerned in your shoes.

[Trippin2.0]

Nobody can say if things would have turned out differently.

You mentioned he's known for running late, maybe he lost track of time before seeing your nevermind message.

I highly doubt it had anything to do with not being dressed on time, since he asked if u needed more time.

In the same breath I highly doubt it had anything to do with you wanting to meet in the evening, he could've just explained why that didn't suite him, or agree to reschedule.

But your nevermind message?

That was just plain rude. I wouldn't respond to a text like that either, neither would my bf.

I agree with divine, the whole interaction and your reaction as well (nevermind and then getting into your pajamas) is all weird.
Not just him. If you were seeing each other for three years, one would expect a higher level of communication, or in the very least be on the same page and not question motives and meanings months later. And like poster above mentioned, worry for his safety.... In your shoes I would've texted one if my bf's friends to make sure he was alive.

Sorry to say, but sometimes we don't get closure, we have to make our own. Closure is a dream movies and books sell us, real life doesn't always work that way.

Maybe you should just accept that this is how it turned out and that you can't change it.
Let that be your closure.

[s4ndm4n2006]

wait I'm looking through all of the posts. you said to him "nevermind don't show up" and you're wondering why he didn't show up and assumed you were done with him? Am I missing something here?

I'm not sure if you can but if you can back up from all of the posts here, and objectively look at what he said to you.. figure out what it was that triggered you.

You also said in another place 'I dont' know what his deal was"

I dont' know from anything that you've said that he had a "deal" going on in the first place, everything he stated about meeting you was reasonable, no evidence of anything wrong at all on his part. pretty much all that you said about ulterior motives were based on assumptions that I didn't see in the text at all. He did not allude to doing anything wrong but you reacted to ... something... I'm not sure what.

The reaction to say "never mind dont' show up" seems to convey a level of irritation that doesn't coincide with anything that he said or did. Unless there is something more going on or that you know of, the fact is none of this is based on anything weird or questionable in your conversation with him.

Do you have an issue with trusting people or men specifically? Have you been deceived and cheated on in the past? Because this seems to me a level of distrust that isn't proportionate to anything that happened.

[jennifer02]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Nobody can say if things would have turned out differently.

You mentioned he's known for running late, maybe he lost track of time before seeing your nevermind message.

I highly doubt it had anything to do with not being dressed on time, since he asked if u needed more time.

In the same breath I highly doubt it had anything to do with you wanting to meet in the evening, he could've just explained why that didn't suite him, or agree to reschedule.

But your nevermind message?

That was just plain rude. I wouldn't respond to a text like that either, neither would my bf.

I agree with divine, the whole interaction and your reaction as well (nevermind and then getting into your pajamas) is all weird.
Not just him. If you were seeing each other for three years, one would expect a higher level of communication, or in the very least be on the same page and not question motives and meanings months later. And like poster above mentioned, worry for his safety.... In your shoes I would've texted one if my bf's friends to make sure he was alive.

Sorry to say, but sometimes we don't get closure, we have to make our own. Closure is a dream movies and books sell us, real life doesn't always work that way.

Maybe you should just accept that this is how it turned out and that you can't change it.
Let that be your closure.

Exactly, and yeah ofcourse it did not have anything to do with not being dressed, cause it was even his idea/ he suggested if I need more time and that he was coming in half an hour.

I truly believe he felt as if I decevied him and got very angry for what He believed was me changing plans, maybe deep down inside he wanted me to go to his graduation and Like you said since our communication was the worst, everything came out as hot mess disaster due to AGAIN lack of communication and me making assumptions.

I believe this was a lesson that I needed to learn and that's why it happened all the way it did, So in my next relationship I communicate way better. and never make the same mistakes.

[divine1966]

This is a very strange thread. I really don't understand what's this about. Very confusing who did or said what and It looks like you had identical thread a month ago. Describing same confusing thing.

[jennifer02]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

wait I'm looking through all of the posts. you said to him "nevermind don't show up" and you're wondering why he didn't show up and assumed you were done with him? Am I missing something here?

I'm not sure if you can but if you can back up from all of the posts here, and objectively look at what he said to you.. figure out what it was that triggered you.

You also said in another place 'I dont' know what his deal was"

I dont' know from anything that you've said that he had a "deal" going on in the first place, everything he stated about meeting you was reasonable, no evidence of anything wrong at all on his part. pretty much all that you said about ulterior motives were based on assumptions that I didn't see in the text at all. He did not allude to doing anything wrong but you reacted to ... something... I'm not sure what.

The reaction to say "never mind dont' show up" seems to convey a level of irritation that doesn't coincide with anything that he said or did. Unless there is something more going on or that you know of, the fact is none of this is based on anything weird or questionable in your conversation with him.

Do you have an issue with trusting people or men specifically? Have you been deceived and cheated on in the past? Because this seems to me a level of distrust that isn't proportionate to anything that happened.

@s4ndm4n2006 The problem is that 15-20 minutes after he had initially called me saying that he had already arrived in town and if I was ready or if I needed more time'' to which I replied I'M not ready and I need more time, he replied ''Ok so in half an hour il pass by'' I said Ok and hanged up,, so 15- 20 minutes after this call I texted him saying ''we should see eachother better in the evening'' and after this message,, time just kept passing by, no reply, no call, nothing, it was already 2:00 Pm( his graduation was starting at 4:00PM) so I got mad (I already thought that with the time it was,, obviously he was not passing to pick me up at all. it was 2pm and his grad beginned at 4PM ), so I got mad and changed into my pajamas and that's when I sended him the last message saying: You know what forget about it, dont come, stop wasting my time, your late''.

And after that I never heard a word from him. I had a gut feeling days before that something was going to happend, you see he was graduating, he did not have to come back to this town at all, the plan was that I was going to go visit him to his city apartment, since he did not have to come here anymore. But also take in mind that a month and a half or before he was leaving back to the states to beging with his Medical residency!!.thats why I said ulterior motives!. Honestly I would have loved doing things differently that day, I should had been ready and just say to him to come pick me up,, to see if he really was going to act exactly the same way he did by dissapearing eitherway???

Maybe I did have trust issues with him, but I know myself too well, and I never experienced a relationship so weird like this one before. I had reasons.

[Trippin2.0]

How is that you stayed in such a "weird" relationship with such a "weird" man for three whole years?

I'm curious as to why you describe it as weird...

[divine1966]

I still don't understand.

How was he late? He said he'd be there in half an hour. In 15 minutes you texted him not to come and see you in the evening. That was really weird of you to text this all of a sudden but ok.

Then at 2pm you told him not to come at all. And then you said he was late? How? 2pm isn't even evening?

Also is it normal for you to wear pajamas at 2pm? Do you work? Go to school?

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

How is that you stayed in such a "weird" relationship with such a "weird" man for three whole years?

I'm curious as to why you describe it as weird...

The whole situation is beyond weird.

[divine1966]

Also your profile states that you are 29, yet in your posts in February and March you are 27 and 28. I see how you could get older in a month but not two years older. I
am also confused on his age. You said late 30s then mid 30s.

Also you said he is a foreign student or you are? Are you in the US? It says North Carolina but you are saying he will go to his hometown in the US? So are you not in the US?

[jennifer02]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Also your profile states that you are 29, yet in your posts in February and March you are 27 and 28. I see how you could get older in a month but not two years older. I
am also confused on his age. You said late 30s then mid 30s.

Also you said he is a foreign student or you are? Are you in the US? It says North Carolina but you are saying he will go to his hometown in the US? So are you not in the US?

Hi ,I am 28 and he is 37 years old, and I live in north carolina, but I am abroad studying and finishing in a month ,,,he is from Massachussets and also he studied here as well, were both foreing students.

[jennifer02]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I still don't understand.

How was he late? He said he'd be there in half an hour. In 15 minutes you texted him not to come and see you in the evening. That was really weird of you to text this all of a sudden but ok.

Then at 2pm you told him not to come at all. And then you said he was late? How? 2pm isn't even evening?

Also is it normal for you to wear pajamas at 2pm? Do you work? Go to school?

That day I was free, since it was the graduation day, the dont give classes on grad days. so thats why I said: I changed back into my pajamas.

[Steiner of Thule]

Sounded more like a 3 year friends with benefit fling thing than an actual bf/gf relationship.

[Trippin2.0]

That's the impression I got too.

[divine1966]

I agree with other posters.

It didn't sound like a relationship at all. It's not even that it was weird or he was weird, it just wasn't a relationship. That's why he probably didn't bother explaining anything.

I'd focus on the fact that in three years you didn't figure out that it wasn't a relationship. And whatever that was ( simply sex or just hanging out etc) clearly has been over for two months and it's no point to keep investigating why.

Perhaps I'd see a therapist eventually trying to understand my own perception of things (not why he this or that).

Good luck